Dart's Log

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

17th day of the 12th month

Found myself a new journal, as it seems some malicious bastard opted to tear practically all the pages out of my old one.

Ran my drunkenly conceived (and perhaps executed) ‘Deathtrap’ last night.
The basic premise was that I would lead a bunch of unarmoured, unarmed men and women into the bowels of Doom, into a crated area which would serve as an arena that they could not escape from, yet the beasts of Doom could enter. The arenas would gradually grow as the stages continued, with the arena actually growing in size during the third and final stage.
During these stages, the guards would fight each other until they ran out of 'lives'.

Frustratingly as the third stage began, a guardsman who shall remain nameless lured a devourer upon us, unfortunately there are few exits from Doom and apparently the Advocate who had delivered us to the entrance opted to leave us to our deaths.
Luckily we escaped… just.
I hadn’t quite intended to become stuck in my own trap, although with the bollocking I received from the missus when I returned home, I almost wish I had still been holed up in the sodding dungeon.

Results

Stage one – Lucius Savoy (50 copper)
Stage two – Isabella Walsh (60 copper)
Stage three - Garren Vance…? Doom? (70 copper)

http://img139.imageshack.us/img139/218/deathtrapcollagefd8.jpg

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

8th day of the 1st month

A few days ago I held the second ever "Scorpions and Ladders" board game, the first one was run by Mister Tenne a while back and I decided to shamelessly rip his entire idea off.

Of course I feel my version improved upon his in every conceivable way.
There were even high-society spectators including Leto Atreides and his entourage.

http://img155.imageshack.us/img155/3052/scorpions01pg7.jpg

Obviously there were a few issues I hadn't accounted for, the main one being the at times uncontrollable blood-lust of my rented scorpions, who attempted to dismember Aldric on multiple occasions.
Justified I'm sure.

http://img247.imageshack.us/img247/7228/scorpions02ap3.jpg

The rest of the event went off without a hitch and had just about the right amount of prescribed chaos to round it all off.

Kathris led for much of the game only to fall onto the black square right at the end and was promptly sent back to the beginning, Walker spent the majority of his time trying to finish last, only for that title to ultimately be taken by Proinsias Lloyd.
Hedlyn had seemed in pole position to claim victory when Kathris had slipped up but somehow the annoying little tosser had been overtaken by Aaron James at the final hurdle, with Boo Radley combusting upon his arrival at the black square.


http://img226.imageshack.us/img226/1130/scorpions03os5.jpg

In the end, the results were as follows:

1st Aaron James (60 copper)
2nd Hedlyn Ap Rhyn
3rd Isabella Walsh (50 copper)

Last Proinsias Lloyd

After returning from a "Diplomatic mission" in Britain (read: binge drinking) I arrived in the Keep to find the men had just been involved in a battle.
I stuck around for a little while, holding many interesting conversations until I finally decided to teach the little darlings the basics of parades.
It would seem everyone has been slacking and our lovely young Footmen haven't a clue when it comes to one of the most traditional aspects of Militia orders.

http://img226.imageshack.us/img226/575/paradedrillingpb7.jpg

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

21st day of the 1st month

Decided to lead a few ladies to Malas the other day, not my usual destination for a "Hot Date" but since I had nothing better to do and they looked bored with discussing various recipes and what not, I took them there regardless.
I was quite surprised by their performances - They're actually substantially better than most of the blokes!

http://img172.imageshack.us/img172/9342/pyramid1so.jpg
Later on, after the patrol, I headed out into the Keep after completing that urgent report I've had lying on my desk for three months and witnessed complete and utter madness!

Everyone was going insane over some chest and a few gold coins, I quickly put an end to the mess though, pity I couldn't think of an excuse to keep Madsen locked up for longer than he was.
Oh well - I got to batter two of D'Gar's children, which is a great way to relieve tension.

http://img250.imageshack.us/img250/1672/madness3ue.jpg

Then! Today after witnessing the construction of some big, useless roadblock, I had the men fight for my amusement.

The original teams of two began as the following:

Kathris
Lucius
Team Pink

Swayne
Derwyn
Team Red

Lisa
Te'ani
Team Green

Sineal
Bofdar
Team Black

Madsen
Marilac
Team Blue

Fern
Walsh
Team Yellow

However, by the end of the night the teams had changed so much with temporary absences, that people were all over the place.

Regardless, I need to remember to issue the following copper bonuses:
(Add them yourselves!)

Ffion Derwyn 80 Copper
Sineal Walker 70 Copper
Isabella Walsh 50 Copper
Holly Swayne 50 Copper
Kathris Reachfar 50 Copper
Te'ani Lanoor 50 Copper
Lisa 50 Copper
Leo Madsen 50 Copper
Abigail Marilac 50 Copper
Bofdar 40 Copper
Lucius Savoy 40 Copper
Joseph Fern 30 Copper
Malaki Landor 30 Copper

Team Red eventually ran out the winners in a five man team fight, after staging a dramatic comeback against Team Black.

http://img187.imageshack.us/img187/3584/teamoftwotraining7sr.jpg

Back to work.

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

23rd day of the 1st month

After First Waywatcher Floria Tenne's kit inspection earlier today (note to self: deduct copper!), I decided to keep the men entertained with a variety of 'games'.

The teams were picked in the following manner:

Team Breast (??)

Te'ani Lanoor, Floria Tenne, Holly Swayne, Hiroko Tanaka and Lisa

Team Penis (??????)

Leo Madsen, Malaki Landor, Joseph Fern, Ffion Derwyn and Aldric

Team I don't know their name

Henry Lumbard, Sineal Walker, Isabella Walsh, Abigail Marilac, Alexander Fraser

The first game was simple - Team Last Lore Standing

The rules were basic; you asked an opposing team member a question, if they got it wrong, they were out.
Somehow the all-female team emerged victorious, with Footmen Holly Swayne and Lisa managing to hold out until the end.
A fluke I'm sure.

The next game was slightly more complex, as we played the "Who am I?" game.
This was basically just an excuse for everyone to dress up in fancy clothes and pretend to be someone famous or someone they aspired to be, while other dressed up idiots guessed their identity.
I was somewhat insulted by the two 'Captain Dart' impersonators, especially since one was a pompous Markie recruit and the other a Tokunian female.

Regardless - after a few technical hitches the game went fairly well, Madsen's team clawing a victory with 95 points to Lumbard's team's 70 and Te'ani's team's 55.

The final game was a basic Last Team Standing.
With everyone fighting in their costumes.
This went on for what seemed like hours, primarily because I couldn't be bothered to track the bastards down and tell them to stand still.
In the end, Lumbard's (who at this point had left) team managed a victory, leaving each group with a win and the points shared.

I'll have to remember to reward everyone who attended with 40 copper pieces.
(Again - Award yourselves!)

http://img411.imageshack.us/img411/3874/games7ps.jpg

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

1st day of the 2nd month

What a week!

Every woman on the face of Sosaria seems to be giving me grief at the moment but I won't discuss that, since I'm already grumpy enough as it is.

Ran a few games yesterday afternoon for the lads and lasses (mostly lasses) with the womenfolk again emerging victorious and leaving the masculinity of the Militia hanging by a thread.
It's not even as if we can put these victories down to them being hermaphrodites like Megumi, these women are all at least feminine in appearance, apart from Walsh or Hiroko. (Whatever Troll-kin is responsible for those monstrosities should be drowned!)

Anyway - I'm contemplating putting double-duty down for every man in the Militia until they start giving the girls a whooping.
Although I doubt that would help.
With our chief masculine specimens being 'lads' (and I use that term loosely) like Madsen or Hawk, we're ever so slightly doomed.

Anyway - visited Minoc to report on the Vesperian occupation.
Finished my report and have had it delivered to Lord D'Gar, no doubt we'll find ourselves involved in another campaign with the bloody Vesperians soon enough, either that or we'll forge an alliance out of necessity.
Both options don't exactly fill me with glee and anticipation.
However, a force of Militia fighters and Vesperian wytches would probably be enough for any enemy.

Anyway - I best make a note of the copper bonuses for yesterday.
Since I need to award all who attended the Afternoon Games with 20 copper, the winners (all female participants) with 10 extra and all who assisted in the fact-finding mission of Minoc with 20.
Lucky bastards getting all these coins and it being me who does the work!
(Add yourselves!)

http://img169.imageshack.us/img169/5781/afternoonim2.jpg

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

22nd day of the 2nd month

Been a while since I wrote in this blasted thing, mainly as it's been under a bunch of forms I've been ignoring for the past three weeks.

Had to lock down the Keep the other night, which somehow resulted in us getting attacked and the men holding hands and complimenting one another.
This has to stop!
Had a reasonable amount of guards on duty though, which was a plus. Even if they were all cuddling each other.

http://img116.imageshack.us/img116/1628/garrisonnightrc4.jpg

Then yesterday I took the melee troops to the Orc Caves for some experiments.
I wanted to test how much damage we could cause using bombs alone.

http://img252.imageshack.us/img252/8278/blowingshizzleupku9.jpg

..Went well!
The Besiegers were ordered to destroy a Dragon using only their bombs, apparently they attempted it immediately and I noticed all but Tanaka around later on. I sure hope we haven't seen the last of her, otherwise I'll have to find a new victim for my breast jokes.

I then took it upon myself to open an "Open Air Tavern" in Stonekeep. It proved something of a success. I even got to mix two cocktails and neither of them killed anyone... as far as I know.
Many important discussions took place, ranging from Trainee Jelk's apparent incestuous relationship with his Mother to half-Drow half-Dwarves.

http://img252.imageshack.us/img252/6029/openairtavernic0.jpg

I also realised that I need another son...
Better head home and get to work on that one.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

1st day of the 3rd month

"Manic" - That's the only adjective my confusion bomb frazzled mind can find to accurately describe last night's events.

I'd taken a few men up to the mountain range west of Stonekeep, the one that houses the dungeon of Shame.
We weren't going for Shame though - No, we were going to cross the actual mountain range passages and find out what those damn Orcs were up to.

My previous investigations there had yielded little more than a lot of bruising and I was interested to traverse their little settlement to a greater extent.

Again, our numbers would not prove enough.
We were pushed back by a surprisingly large contingent of gargoyles, numbering more than double our own.
It would seem that there are numerous different species up on that mountain and I am concerned as to their proximity to Yew.
Going to schedule further intelligence gathering reports on the area and plot the removal of said inhabitants.
Can't have Orcs maintaining three strongholds surrounding Yew.

http://img255.imageshack.us/img255/374/sanctuarypy7.jpg

Anyway - I ought to head home before I get accused of having an affair... again!

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

2nd day of the 3rd month

That was the worst experience of my life!
I went to Skara Brae to attend some wedding between two people I'd never met all in the name of goodwill between Yew and the city of Skara Brae.

It couldn't go too badly, could it? After all - It was a wedding, hardly some sort of treaty negotiation.

http://img101.imageshack.us/img101/4484/weddingev6.jpg

I didn't quite consider the fact that the entire ceremony would be in a local dialect though.
I have no idea of what any of them were saying and I'm only assuming the marriage went reasonably well because the people who I'm assuming were the bride and groom were happily cuddling one another later in the evening.

I suppose one consolation can be taken from this though - I managed to drag a bunch of other guardsmen and Tanya along for the torture.
They deserved it and all. Especially that Lisa Valentine! Telling people she's seeing me. I ask you! Talk about flattering yourself.
Silly little ogre-girl.


- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain’s log

30th day of the 4th month

Been a while since I wrote in this log.
Haven’t really had a moment free but what’s been notable over the past few months?
Not a lot.
A few tournaments, a few battles. The Deer has re-opened and the staff I cunningly hired to run the place seem to be doing alright.. so far.
I did kick off the return to a traditional Last Man Standing evening the other week, which Gotrek won, unsurprisingly.
Oh well.
I’ve had an artist finally sort out all the paintings of the event, ‘though I’m not too impressed with them, so I threw all but one away.

http://img337.imageshack.us/img337/1928/firstie9.jpghttp://aycu29.webshots.com/image/13508/2006207866521587489_rs.jpg

http://img337.imageshack.us/img337/452/warmupgames2za1.jpg



http://img337.imageshack.us/img337/2884/winnersr6.jpg

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

29th day of the 5th month

What a day!
After all the events of the previous night (of which I will not divulge here as I have a sneaking suspicion that a certain Footman is reading my log) I let my guard down and was rather frustratingly roped into accompanying a patrol to a harpy nest.
After gathering nigh on sixteen thousand crowns on my own and personally hammering out enough of a dent in the harpy population as shown by Fig 1.

(Fig 1)

http://img178.imageshack.us/img178/9012/lifecycleofharpypopulatry7.jpg
I then returned from this patrol and enjoyed the delightful tavern evening our fine hosts were holding.
Some fool had the crazy idea of holding a 'Drunken Jousting' contest, which some random fool named 'Navy Blue Drew' won after practically breaking Gotrek's neck. A fine way to win a competition.

http://img517.imageshack.us/img517/1678/loggyhi3.jpg

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

29th day of the 5th month

Making large structures out of pretty coloured crates has always amused me, perhaps that's why whenever the children decide to scatter their building blocks across the floor at home I'm never quite as cross as I should be.
Plus, how can I justify shouting at the little darlings when I'm there building my own version of the old citadel?

That said - Today I didn't build anything overly exciting, just an arena out of pretty blue boxes. Having constructed the arena I realised I should probably think of some plausible reason for having built it, otherwise the men would begin to question my competence and the less similarities between myself and Madsen the better.

While changing my youngest, the concept dawned upon me - 'The Streak'.
'The Streak' would be simple.
Random numbers would be drawn, the lowest two would enter first and battle it out until one fell. Another would immediately replaced the felled combatant and continuous combat and replacements would take place until time drew to a close.

For a while it seemed that Wrenthal Roberts' streak of four straight wins would never be broken, with no-one else able to break past three.

http://img262.imageshack.us/img262/7971/arollofthedicefo1.jpg

However, all that came crashing down when Footman Kane claimed an impressive six straight wins before he was dispatched by Verity Sands.
In order to beat that record, someone would have to score seven straight wins - an impossible task, no?
No - Verity Sands claimed an insurmountable streak of ten straight wins, beating everybody competing at least once.

Another few games would commence with Hiroko Tanaka winning a Royal Rumble style combat event and with Isabella Walsh oddly enough winning a 'Last Duo Standing' on her own.

Now I better go put that extra thirty copper in all the winner's pay packets, if I remember.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

1st day of the 6th month

That nagging old fart herbalist in the citadel hassled me about gathering some more ingredients for whatever he's brewing yesterday evening. So having nothing better to do I took everyone out on a herb gathering mission.

Our first stop was the rather unimaginatively named 'City of the Dead'. It seems even the creatures of death require herbal ingredients to cast their magics and we set about collecting a wide variety of herbs.

I usually tire easily of Undead and this was no exception - as quickly as we put them down they simply rose again and I was in no mood to continue this endless cycle of complete and utter mind-numbing boredom.

We would visit my old friends next - the Ophidians.
I have many happy memories of ill-conceived patrols to the Snake city and it also happened that many of them are corrupted by foul magic and therefore require the use of herbs, so it seemed a wise choice to venture into the heart of their settlement.
Our small force was immediately ambushed as we advanced past their border guards, however their sneak attacks were easily dispatched and we pushed on.
Eventually after discovering a much larger force to the south and the men groaning under the weight of the herbs they had gathered, I sounded the withdrawal and we headed to Papua.

A quick investigation into the rebuilding work in Haven concluded the evening as we departed to Stonekeep, where Kathris Reachfar and Druss Carey apparently had gathered the most herbs out of the entire patrol.
I should probably give them some sort of prize but I can't really be bothered. Druss' dementia will probably result in him forgetting that we ever went on patrol, or that he ever existed at all and Kathris bless her little heart... is a bit dim.

- Dart

http://img529.imageshack.us/img529/3664/ingredientsmb8.jpg

[Bladius Dart]

'Whacking Day'


http://img528.imageshack.us/img528/2460/llamasck9.jpg

http://img338.imageshack.us/img338/5641/elvesxf1.jpg

http://img338.imageshack.us/img338/7313/dragonmk3.jpg


Sineal Walker - Champion Elf Smasher
Sineal Walker - Champion Llama Whacker
Oldar - Champion Elf Smasher


- Dart

[OOC: 50 Copper awarded to Nathaniel Hawk for his help throughout the evening]

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

21st day of the 8th month

I was sat in the Deer last night with Tanya, when some silly bint started rubbing up against my leg. Normally I wouldn't mind but this lass was barely out of nappies, plus she seemed to be taking a great interest in my weaponry.
After I noticed her rather unsubtly remove a sodding quarterstaff strapped across my back, I demanded it back. She claimed it wasn't mine and passed it to her friend who promptly legged it out.

Long story short - I had the stupid kid who originally nicked the weapon, (now appropriately named 'Feef') chained up in some makeshift stocks outside.
The satisfaction of watching her pasted with rotten fruit and vegetables easily outweighed the loss of a weapon I haven't used for almost half a decade.

http://img517.imageshack.us/img517/2605/splatterph2.jpg

Oh and Sineal needs to go on a diet, we found him tucking into a five course meal only minutes before his decisive bout against Gotrek... which he lost.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

27th day of the 8th month

It's not often one can report a victory over the fiendish forces from Vesper, however today I can sit here smiling smugly like a Boba in a banana tree. I don't quite know why Vesper came to Stonekeep and I'm pretty sure they're wondering why the hell they bothered to show themselves now too.


http://img261.imageshack.us/img261/2249/vesperhx3.jpg

Hah!

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

28th day of the 8th month

Having returned from my daring rescue of Corporal Vance's patrol in Blood Dungeon. I decided it was probably in the men's best interests to have some combat training. Them being done over by a few pools of blood hardly inspired me with confidence in our troops.

However, since I'd planned earlier to take them on a patrol, I was slightly unprepared. Never fear though, Dart is never flustered. The easiest thing to do was set them all against each other until I could think of something to pass the time.
A halberd-only round with three teams saw me laugh manfully with glee at the satisfying "CLANK" of halberd hitting Madsen skull.
After that was concluded I divided the men and women into two teams of incredibly balanced forces.

The Defensive Block

Sergeant Madsen
Corporal Vance
Besieger Corporal Walker

The Roaming Horde

Guard Crossarms
Rookie Besieger Fraser
Rookie Guard Dart
Rookie Guard Helmut
Footman Aldridge
Footman Foxe
Footman Tripps
Footman Suller

Oddly enough The Defensive Block easily dispatched The Roaming Horde.
May have had something to do with the ridiculously unfair restrictions I placed upon the Horde. Oh well!

After my impromtu training I stupidly allowed the men to have a drink at my expense in the tavern. All drinks under 100 crowns. Although my tab has somehow risen about 200%.
Thankfully nobody used my tab to start paying for roast dinners, in fact I'm surprised anyone ordered a roast dinner at all with Ronnie cooking them.

http://img503.imageshack.us/img503/8015/anightofstuffmu6.jpg


Tanya has apparently decided to join the Marksmen which is an interesting turn of events - today was the first day she'd even fired a bow in her life.
Still, she decided to re-open the endless dart throwing rivalry we have. I allowed her to win this round though, I generously decided it was in the best interests of her confidence to finally obtain a victory over me.
I then of course vanquished Leo Madsen just to re-assert myself as Dart Master and promptly retired as Champion of the World.

It was then that someone had the idea of settling/capturing the bridgeless island bang smack in the middle of Vesper... and so an adventure began (http://www.guvadan.net/forum/showthread.php?p=9219#post9219).

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

29th day of the 8th month

So there I was minding my own business when I find myself flung into some strategy game devised by the cunning mind of Annwyn Brown.
She tells me to stand on a square of cloth and decide what city I want to be.
I'm tempted to say 'Yew' but y'know since I need to be impartial and stuff and at the end of the day we're loyal to the King, I figure I'll defend Britain from the rest of Britannia. My tactics won't be all-out hostility as I am going to mediate between the others - putting down unrest where I can.

That plan fails miserably as it soon becomes apparent that everyone wants a piece of each other and some fools even go so far as to besiege the capital city!
The sieges always end abruptly as the overpowering might of the British Royal Army crushes Moonglow, Skara Brae and even Yew.

Britain eventually beats its three smaller rivals into submission, never having incurred a loss. A sad day for Britannia indeed as it was never my wish to come into combat with my once loyal subjects.

http://img214.imageshack.us/img214/6931/britainownseverybodyom5.jpg


Later an hour or so before the Medal Ceremony I lead the men and women to Cove to partake in a 'Capture the Flag' style game.
I inform the men that should we in any way lose Alef Suller will be flogged.
I think the message is easily understood.
We approach Cove and there's some pikey savage there spouting off about 'Yewish Banken'. He attacks me, pounding away with his crude, savage axe at my plate armour. Unable to comprehend through his inferior savage intellect that he's not going to make much progress, especially when the men leap at him, halberds 'thwacking'.

We pick teams and Madsen thinks it's hilarious to pick me THIRD! THIRD I ask you!? Where does the little impotent bastard get off picking me third? Regardless. I of course pretty much single-handedly orchestrate a 3-0 victory for the Red Team.

http://img206.imageshack.us/img206/4339/capturetheballsbf3.jpg


Next up is the Medal Ceremony. Everyone takes practically a life-time to organise themselves. I'm quite impressed by the Waywatcher turnout and mortified by the Besieger and Ironarm turnout.
In fact the turnout overall was pretty abysmal, despite all our new recruits we barely managed to muster 17 rank and file guardsmen. Fools.

http://img206.imageshack.us/img206/1126/paradeqt6.jpg

The men have a short break but I quickly drag them back on duty for my excuse to go batter savages.

We're apparently going to search for Hiroko Tanaka but anyone who knows me would know that I neither care about a silly Easterner Besieger nor do I have any intention of actually wasting my time looking for her. Still - If she's anywhere she's probably in Tokuno being Tokunese.

We head to Tokuno and 'Homare-Jima' or whatever.
Along the road we meet a bunch of laughing idiots who far from being yellow are actually red. I'm so stunned by their laughter that I occasionaly lose focus and stand still like a lemon. However, I notice everyone else doing the same thing so I kindly ignore that one and drag the men along the path to the cave I seek to enter and find Tanaka.

The cave is filled to the brim with these cackling psychopaths but we carry on and despite it taking nearly three hours to make it through the cave, we finally discover what we've been looking for... nothing.
Yes - nothing. I dragged everyone through a cave of incredibly dangerous beasties for no apparent reason other than for the hell of it. So? Everyone else does it!

http://img369.imageshack.us/img369/4898/tokunotanakadh4.jpg


After all is said and down we return home to patch up our armour and replenish supplies.

I've stupidly scheduled an afternoon event for today. As if I don't have enough paperwork as it is!

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

30th day of the 8th month

Woke up this morning with some bizarre urge to wander around like a plank planting banners and recruitment pamphlets at every major location I could think of.

So I did -

http://img250.imageshack.us/img250/6978/recruitmentud4.jpg


There... wasn't that fascinating?

After that I prepared for my afternoon of games designed to keep our minions stimulated.
I began with a relay race, however the concept of a relay race and even a race itself seemed somewhat too complicated for the simple minds of the regular ranks so I moved onto a game of 'Captain says'. Despite abusing the game so that I could humiliate everyone involved, I grew tired of having the fools suck their big toenails and continued onto a game of Bulldog.

If Walker could knock down everybody within a minute and a half he would win a prize.
Somehow he beat everybody with about 4 seconds remaining and claimed his prize - a bottle of Dwarven Ale.

Now we would try our hands at Bagball. This was something of a whitewash, as certain individuals who shall remain unnamed (Tanya) didn't quite grasp the rules. Despite it being something of a tradition in my house.

Hell, even my youngest son knows the basic concepts of bagball and he can barely walk. I'm still quite convinced Tanya was lieing about the confusion over the rules to disguise the fact that she couldn't be bothered to chase a pig's bladder around a field. She did however manage to brutally maim Radek with a swift kick to the family jewels after he mocked her bagball ability.

Next up two teams fought over a greased Hobbit. I don't actually know what happened here. Aiden and Tanya could have won but Tanya was so intimidated by the possibility of offending Daelia by tieing her up that they ultimately lost to Walker and Annwyn.

Then I had both teams split into men and women. They were to build an object or structure that I could personally find a use for.
Needless to say I was very offended by their ideas. Either that or I needed a way to get out of the previously promised prize and so stormed off in dramatic fashion.

http://img257.imageshack.us/img257/4184/afternoonsf3.jpg


But all was not over as we all disappeared off to Doom later. Despite Tanya pleading with me not to go because it was 'scary' and 'dangerous'. Yeah we'll ignore the fact I fight Balrons and Dragons on a daily basis and worry my tits off about a few things that might try to eat my arm.
It didn't go so badly. I cunningly stashed Chips in the stable so as to avoid the inevitable horse loss. I even escaped with most of my gear and bodyparts intact!

http://img210.imageshack.us/img210/941/doomsg1.jpg


Hurrah!

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

31st day of the 8th month

Next time Tripps runs a market he needs to find some vendors who don't completely mug you off.
Between that deserter Amethyst and the bloody miserable dwarf I ended up forking out seven hundred crowns for a bunch of clothes for the kids and a dress and ringmail gloves for Tanya.
I lost thirty crowns at the gambling stall but won it back and quit. Pity someone else didn't manage such restraint.

After being given a "Not appley enough" pie when I asked for a "Not too appley" pie. I stopped visiting the vendors and went to watch the screaming and maiming in the corner.
That Sergeant Hoagie from Cove was busy cutting through all the Militiamen who challenged him. Madsen asked me to go in and sort him out.
After what felt like a bleeding eternity I managed to put him on his arse.
He fought pretty well considering he was hampered by the handicap known as "BeingACovianItis".

http://img114.imageshack.us/img114/2476/marketde5.jpg


Shortly after that Tanya and I exchanged presents. She gave me a bleeding sword. What am I going to do with a sword? Well.. I suppose I could stand around and look all dignified.
Later on we went home, I cooked (fantastically as usual) but was berated by a certain cookie-monster for leaving the table to kiss her mother. "No 'sert for you daddy!" Whatever the hell "'Sert" is. I'm sure I can go without it.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

1st day of the 9th month

So last night I found myself ordering a number of crates and other objects to be delivered to the Keep for use in an exercise I hadn't really put a great deal of thought into.

Two teams. Two forts.
The teams would compete to create the best forts possible. These forts would be judged on -

Practicality
Defensibility
Aesthetics

While both forts very different. Team Seamus' was aesthetically much more pleasing to the eye than Team Helmgard's. Not least because they were mostly all women.

However, Team Helmgard's fort would survive a rain shower, whereas Team Seamus' fort would probably look very pretty whilst drifting off downstream.

Both teams were tested on their meal cooking abilities. I believe this to be an essential part of any community.
The female team let themselves down here and decided to serve me fish stew.
FISH STEW.

Enough said. They lost by default.

Seamus completely embarrassed Helmgard though in a best two out of three fight to decide the entire game.
We didn't even need to go to a third fight but did regardless so Olaf could salvage some honour. Which he just about managed, avoiding defeat.

http://img115.imageshack.us/img115/5611/fortasticop3.jpg

Next up Rynn DiMarco. Ex-wife of that miserable old bastard Greven came by talking about a treasure hunt.
Nothing else was doing so we followed her despite her casual mention of a pirate curse.

Once we found the location of the chest, Helmgard was eaten by said chest and possessed. He then started calling for us to follow him underground. (No doubt so he could eat us too!)

We had enough problems of our own, with numerous demons, giant ogres, big dead fellows and rather large poisonous spiders trying to eat us.

After we stole all the loot from the first chest, we went home. Rynn was not best pleased. But I decided it was better to leave with 7000 crowns worth of loot than not leave at all!

http://img115.imageshack.us/img115/1707/treasuremo2.jpg


- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

2nd day of the 9th month

So after watching Aldridge's pie-eating contest and the subsequent diarrhoea fest. I decided to try out a game I'd been cunningly formulating in my mind over the past few minutes.

Basketbagball

Basketbagball would consist of four loftily perched baskets at the North, South, East and West points of a square court. Each basket would belong to a certain team.

North would belong to Team Blue (Team Royals - Isabella Walsh, Olaf Helmgard and Floria Tenne)
South would belong to Team Green (Team Green Extreme - Hoagie, Teagan and Rhoen)
East would belong to Team Red (Team Beard - John Aldridge, Alef Suller and Leo Madsen)
West would belong to Team Yellow (Team Goldfish - Radek, Aiden and Cordelia)

The aim of the game would be to bring the ball back and score in your designated basket. There would be three periods of an undisclosed (read: undecided) time limit. These three periods would also be susceptible to any number of stipulations I wished to enforce. Such as multiple basketbagballs or losing an item of clothing for every basket not scored by your team.

After having picked the teams we got straight to it.
The game was quite fast paced and physical, erupting into violence on a multitude of occasions. However, said violence was encouraged - Basketbagball is a contact sport after all.

Eventually, after a riot-like brawl in the third period I decided to re-assert my authority as Referee... and shot everyone on the court.

At the end of the game the scores were as follows:

Team Goldfish - 21
Team Royals - 18
Team Green Extreme - 16
Team Beard - 13

So a fine (if a somewhat controversial) victory for Team Goldfish - 40 copper to them.

http://img212.imageshack.us/img212/6821/basketbagballjp3.jpg



After that I went back to the Keep. Then home to cook and play 'building' with Ben.
Tanya arrived home shortly after telling me that Carolyn "Muff-muncher" Lawrence and Leo "I only like girls with big pointy ears" Madsen had been trying to convince her that I'd been cheating.

I wouldn't mind so much but the one time in my life I've been faithful to anyone and I have someone who only shows faithfulness to her apparently unproductive beauty regime and someone who lurks around in the dark corners of Trinsic getting all hot and flustered over guardian spawn orgies, trying to cause trouble.
I have a good mind to evict the little rug-hugger and assign Madsen to guard the Bone Demon chamber in Doom in nothing more than his pants.
Then again he'd probably consider that a reward.

Still, Tanya didn't believe them and I have no intention of breaking said trust.
I do have every intention of breaking Madsen's spine, however.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

3rd day of the 9th month

Gotrek won the Last Man Standing competition yet again. What a surprise eh?

Turns out Trainee Bate is actually a complete numpty despite what I was previously led to believe. Maybe now Helmgard and I had a 'talk' with him, he'll calm down.
Trainee Crippen on the other hand is beyond help. That kid needs to be put in a sack and dumped in the river.

http://img407.imageshack.us/img407/9171/sundaywj2.jpg


Anyway, this was just a quick entry as I promised two stories to 'Cookie-Monster' tonight. Two stories! Ugh. I wonder if I can get away with splitting one story in half and calling the second part 'a sequel'. Bets on a six year old sussing me out?

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

4th day of the 9th month

Lou came by my office today announcing that she was taking the children away with her on holiday. When I refused she said it didn't matter as Tanya had already agreed.
After exchanging unpleasantries I demanded she leave. Tanya swung by after and after bollocking her for giving psycho-woman permission to take our children away... it turned out they hadn't spoken at all.
I was rather 'annoyed' at this point and left to confront her, trudging over to her inn room, I knocked and entered, finding our daughter.
I demanded to know where the stupid cow was but she had apparently no clue and after going for a walk and chat with her, I headed back only to be told her mother been seen heading to the docks.

Louisa was there with the children and began telling me what a terrible mother she was and how they'd be better off without her. I for some bizarre reason tried to convince her of otherwise but she decided to hand over the children permanently and leave. I'm not sure how to feel about that. While I'm glad the potential for temptation has vanished, I still want her to see Francis and Annabel. Tanya thought it was a big bonus though, so I suppose I should as well.

Later on Tanya and I went to the "Fancy Dress and Drunken Jousting" evening at The Deer. Tanya dressed up as a Waywatcher and let's just say that she will be keeping said costume and we will be getting a great deal of use from it! I on the other hand went as a 'Duchy Captain' apparently. Or that's what the costume was supposed to represent according to Tanya. I don't know Trinsican uniforms too well. All I know is thanks to those tight leathers my testicles feel like they've been squeezed about five sizes smaller and not in a good sexual way either.

Olaf began telling stories again. Listen to that collective groan? The Invasion of Moonglow this week - because we haven't heard that a thousand times. This man really needs to experience something new, if only to have new stories.

Ronnie Sharp was on fine form, even competing in the Jousting. He competed against Tanya and whilst he lost, he did so admirably. His steed went a little wild on him once or twice but then I suppose that's what happens when you put a novice rider on a warhorse. I managed to deal with his gallops across the countryside by aiming a well-placed bolt at him. The resulting momentum from said bolt sent Ronnie spiralling to the floor and subsequently almost killing him. I didn't care though - all I had to do was dump him back on the horse enough times for him to lose the best two out of three.

Navy Blue Drew won the competition again and convinced me that one day I should enter it. I could win it easily and I'm used to falling off my horse on a regular basis. Then again I'm not usually sober enough to feel the after effects.

http://img374.imageshack.us/img374/5849/joustup8.jpg


After that Rhoen came by, saw us and tried to leave rather abruptly. We forced him to have a sit down and a drink and he grudgingly accepted. Tanya interrogated him on his love life. Seems he's still seeing Navaska's sister. Nice girl that one, very shy but nice. Rhoen's probably cheated on her over thirty times by now but still - nice girl. Seems he's seen Rose recently too, which makes him about the only person in the whole of the Dart entourage to have done that recently. He's convinced she's 'devious' as well. Shouldn't really say that about my own daughter. One day I'm going to tie that girl up. Always telling her to let me know where she's going and how long she's going for. I get answers like "Around" and "A little while".
At least her twin is somewhat easier to deal with. Both emotionally volatile though. Which bodes well for the other products of Louisa and I.

After all that I took Tanya home, made her dress back up in her costume and peeled that 'Watcher armour off her and that's where this leaves me right now, sat up in bed in the middle of the night scratching this account of today's events into an increasingly personal log.

Fantastic.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

5th day of the 9th month

So yesterday evening Cove were invited to attend a Guardsman Games Evening I was hosting in Stonekeep.
I wasn't quite expecting such a dramatically large turnout, not that I was complaining - it just made my planned games rather difficult to implement.

We began properly with my first team-based attempt at 'The Gauntlet'.
I say 'first' I also mean probably my 'last'.
Apparently the rules were too complex for the simplistic minds of the men and women attending and after allowing both teams to whitewash one another, I called it quits and moved on.

Now we would try a team-based version of 'Survivor' or 'The Streak'.
Team leaders would send in combatants to fight one another as soon as their own member fell. There should be no restbreaks, the key to defeating the tougher fighters in this environment was to never let up.
Unfortunately it seemed Hoagie Grayner was more than a match for most of the opposing team and it required the sacrifice of nearly half of the team to down him. By the time he was felled Salick's team had barely anyone left. Wilkes' team was victorious that time.

Next up we would change the rules a little, allowing both teams to send in up to three men at a time with various stipulations attached.
Mela Arkay and Grayner would lead the teams this time around, with Arkay's team emerging victorious in a hard-fought battle.
Still, I had planned to play 'Yewish Bulldog' and with so many competitors I felt it was the perfect opportunity.
Eventually Verity Sands won, rather surprisingly. Hardly the most athletic guardsman in the Militia now is she? Verity seems to have a habit of winning things though. I remember she managed that streak of 10 or 11 once upon a time.
Anyway - We would try 'Denial of Death'.
Sets of three would run with the rest of the assembled guardsmen and Covians chasing them like rabid dogs. Most of the men showed a bit of spirit and avoided doom for a brief while but inevitably they all fell. Eventually I got bored of watching the men chase Katrine Astendar around and shot her a few times. Which was vaguely satisfying based on the fact that she'd been whinging (as Kat always does) all evening.

A 'Last Man Standing' would conclude the evening's events, by then most people had sodded off so the Last Man would in theory be over rather quickly. Wrong.

Tanya, Cordelia, Verity, Elizabeth and Lance fought valiantly against the Covian hordes for as long as possible but with Tanya bravely ducking out to save her own skin and all but Verity being felled it seemed to suggest Cove would emerge the victors. Lance wasn't quite aware of the fact that he works for Yew now and started attacking Verity, then attacked a Barmaid. So I fired a bolt at his head from point-blank range... well two of them. Hopefully said bolts will deter him from future violence towards civilians.

http://img406.imageshack.us/img406/6528/gamesmk3.jpg


Despite Verity fighting three Covians she managed to weasel her way into the final two against none other than Sergeant Hoagie... and then won.
I think it was more down to a complete fluke than actual skill but I'd stopped caring. I called an end to proceedings only to be accosted by Trainee Cordelia Cade asking if she could give me her 'wool'. At first I thought she was being dirty but it soon dawned upon me that she actually wanted me to take her grubby sheep wool.

I'm pretty sure there was a memo about looking after any wool handed in but I couldn't remember for what purpose, so I dragged it off to the Workshop to try and fathom how to turn it into cloth and then bandages.
I hadn't done this since I was a Trainee and even then most of my bandage orders were completed by me running around for about half an hour and then returning with fifty from my own supply.

Tanya came by to mock my yarn spinning abilities, so I roped her into helping me and together we managed a substantial sum of bandages. Which wasn't quite what I'd envisaged doing in my spare time.

Bah!

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

6th day of the 9th month

Cove were apparently coming to Yew yesterday evening (now there's a bloody change) so as the guardsmen milled around I took it upon myself to promote Footman Cox to Rookie, since he'd completed his quest but a certain male Sergeant who shall remain nameless has been slacking.

Cove turned up shortly after and we all stood in a line up whilst Caden had a chin-wag with their commanding officer.
Seems they'd discovered a gorget belonging to Lord Rothermere.
I was asked to fill in details on Rothermere, details I had few of.
All I remember was shortly before the Guy D'Mirio nonsense, Rothermere was in Stonekeep looking rather frail and bedraggled whilst on an official visit during our medal ceremony. He needed help onto his horse when he was leaving, I obliged and escorted him over the barrel path where if I remember correctly he told me he could carry on from there. That was the last I saw of him and he apparently died a few weeks after.
They found the gorget in a Jukan horde or something. Why would the Juka have Rothermere's gorget?

Anyway - After that we all went up to the Citadel roof where the Militia and Cove were hitting one another. Everytime a Yewman wandered into the arena all the Covians set upon him. Even had it happen to myself. Managed to maim a few of them whilst it happened, mind.


http://img530.imageshack.us/img530/2782/covetz7.jpg

Today I've been busy devising a new game to play, however it's not exactly coming along in leaps and bounds.
I also spent about ten minutes debating with myself this morning before I left the house whether I should leave my bows behind and pick up a sword or two. You can bet the time I forget the bows I'll need them and I certainly can't carry a bunch of maces, swords, bows and ammunition. I'll be weighed down like Walker after lunch.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

7th day of the 9th month

Since I seem to find myself constantly roped into children's playground games by the kids, I decided to rip-off a couple of them to keep both the guardsmen and myself entertained.

Stolen from the popular 'Duck Duck Goose' we began playing the rather more violent 'Horse Horse Llama'. The game was quite successful, with everyone having a go and seemingly enjoying themselves to some degree. Basically the premise was the same as 'Duck Duck Goose' but instead involved battering the runner as opposed to beating them in a race.
Comedic moments included Timothy Young getting continually floored every time he was 'IT' and Alexander Fraser tripping over Tanya's spear a mere three foot from his target space, giving Tanya ample time to maim him and re-claim her spot.

We then tried 'Stuck in the Mud' which didn't quite go so well as certain nameless individuals failed to grasp the basic concepts of the game and still either ran around while frozen, or in the case of those who were 'IT' battered the ones who were frozen instead of leaving them be.
I did find an excuse to shoot Karne however, admittedly it was after he knocked down Aldridge somewhat illegitimately but both them in one bolt is a substantial victory in my book.

Soon after we played a game I can't remember the name of... something involving demons or devils - I forget.
Regardless, after taking almost an eternity to describe said game and make everyone understand the rules - we began.
Basically someone would say that they were thinking of a type of object, they would whisper the correct type to me and then everyone else would guess what it was.
E.G. - "I'm thinking of a type of pie" "Monkey pie!" "Apple pie!"
As soon as someone correctly guessed they would race whoever was 'IT' to the Workshop, round it and back.
Olaf some how expected everyone to guess Corb's famous pie - Dragon and Mushroom pie. Having seen the level of intellect we deal with on a daily basis in Stonekeep, this was a dramatic oversight.

Karne made some idiotic comment about Tanya's arse being fat, which will earn him 'death on sight' over the coming weeks. Provided he escapes each time. If he doesn't then naturally 'death on sight' will no longer be required.

Olaf decided to remind people of my escapades in my youth, mentioning the infamous pixie incident and the woman who wished to visit a 'dungeon'.
Unfortunately it later turned out that Tanya had heard everything he'd said, conveniently though I seemed to have told her about the pixie at least once before.

http://img294.imageshack.us/img294/4871/llamasandstrippersws2.jpg


After that we had the 'Gentlemen's Evening' hosted by Caden D'Gar. I found myself seated between Caden and Madsen. Talk about a frigging mood-killer. Tanya invited Rhoen to attend prior to the event, to keep an eye on me I expect. Instead I had to watch my oldest son make an idiot of himself in public. I know I was once rather a bit too fond of the ladies but I can't have been that incredibly obvious, could I?
That odd girl in the tavern, Mia or something apparently dedicated her dance to me because of my 'kindness' towards her. Me? Kind? I wasn't aware verbally tearing someone a new arsehole on a regular basis constituted 'kindness'.
Anyway - the whole evening was a little creepy. Now don't get me wrong I don't have any issue with watching good-looking women dance around naked for my enjoyment, what I do find weird was watching it with a bunch of over-sexed junior guardsmen with their hands down their pants.
Still - I managed a jibe about Madsen not enjoying it 'cause the girls were of the wrong race. He attempted to respond with violence but realised even that was a bad idea.
Poor little boy.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

8th day of the 9th month

So after Rusty got eaten the other week I brought Chips home. Chips is a good horse, not a very fast horse, not a very smart horse and not a very strong horse but a good horse. Although I'm wondering right at this moment why he's so 'good'... a certain child has been feeding him something that quite clearly (as shown by the mess outside my front door) doesn't agree with his stomach. This has happened a few times since I bought the stupid creature and I'm tiring of clearing up copious amounts of dung when I get home.

Anyway - I had decided in response to this dilemma that I would seek a horse that doesn't worry about such things as 'stomach upsets'. In fact if it had a stomach upset it would probably be because it'd eaten too many people. I wanted a 'Nightmare'.

Now I know you can find Nightmares in the Lost Lands, however I doubt I could just climb aboard one of them. For a start it might y'know bite me... or set me on fire. Then I'd have to cut its legs off and it would just get very unnecessarily messy very very quickly.
So I enlisted the aid of an 'Ostard Handler'. Now I'm not really too knowledgeable on Ostards or for that matter Nightmares but I figure y'know that a Giant Chicken is pretty much on the same scale of nastiness as a Nightmare.
Giant Chickens - Obviously lay giant eggs which in the hot climate they are native to will go rotten very quickly if left out in the sun and subsequently smell really bad.
Nightmares - Barbecue people and eat their charred remains.
See? Balanced.
Now being surrounded at this moment in time by a group of flatulent children, being burned alive seems almost preferable.
However, I now know otherwise.

After fighting our way through waves of Bobas and Ophidians we clambered into the depths of the Terathan Keep. I have many fond memories of climbing out of piles of spider legs missing half of my kit from the Terathan Keep. Most of said experiences were thanks in part to the complete lack of tactical prowess of Gareth Courteux. A man who thought it was in our best interests to drag us half way across the world to throw us headlong into a nest of venomous spiders. I never thought I would be sitting here mentally comparing Courteux's blatant insanity to my own odd desire to plunge everyone into immense danger. The similarities are often times worrying. At least my missions have a purpose though.
His seemed to be:

Deliver patrol to monster nest.
Leave on horse when situation looks grim.

One step ahead of me, I always feel sorry for the poor cretins and don't bring a horse.

We almost lost Astendar a few times, which wouldn't have been such an incredible tragedy bearing in mind she spent the entire patrol whining about visiting a beach or Magincia. Kinda gave up on her once but she somehow found her way back, unfortunately. She managed to jinx the entire patrol once or twice by saying that she thought we were relatively safe or that things were terrible, only for things to get extremely bad within a few moments.

Now, I don't know if some crazy fool's had the idea to list known records for feats of greatness or whatever but if they had then surely we would have had to have been one of the greatest. Or maybe the stupidest for we spent possibly longer than anyone ever spent in the Terathan Keep. Not because we were busy cleansing every spot of stone but mainly due to my slightly inadequate planning. I hadn't brought a reliable map.
Well.. I say a reliable map. I was going by memory and I suppose there's only so much you can rely on the memory encased in a head that's spent its life being hit with maces and chewed on by enormous carnivorous lizards.

However - we eventually found the Nightmare lair and the Ostard Handler now would display his complete lack of talent as he spent nigh on three decades whispering to a fire-breathing horse.
Now had I not been more concerned with not going home in a sodding urn, I would have given him a good kicking but the way I saw it - we were there because I wanted a horse and we weren't leaving until I had one who could cook me breakfast merely by coughing. So instead of assaulting the Handler, I instead preferred to keep myself alive.

Eventually after 'accidentally' killing the first two horses, the Handler managed to salvage one and we departed. Unfortunately every single creature in the Lost Lands seemed to have it in for our dear Handler, throwing magic and abuse at him in every conceivable way. Although, after what he pulled when we returned, I wish I had done the same.

Tanya seemed to go missing on the way back and while I kept an eye out for her, I couldn't see her so I relied on the fact that she has an uncanny ability to find her way out of trouble.

After we finally made it back to the moongate, having lost the majority of the patrol (Madsen included - fire-breathing horse and Madsen dead, Avatarmass come early!) the bloody Handler pegged it off with my horse. He kept saying how much he liked it and wanted it... and then promptly left with it when I told him to deliver it to the stables in Yew.

All that for nothing!

http://img293.imageshack.us/img293/9578/themaregn2.jpg


Got back to the Keep and we delivered the news of Madsen's death.
Lyson took it very badly. I never realised Madsen and Lyson were a couple. Although again it's in keeping with Madsen's bag. Non-humans. I think Lyson is strictly human though... supposedly. Not sure how anyone that small can be a human and not a child.
Managed to convince him that I'd stolen Madsen's sword as a trophy. We'll ignore the fact that said sword was the one bought for me at the market the other week. Lyson wanted to buy it. I wasn't sure that Tanya would be best pleased if I sold a midget her present.

http://img263.imageshack.us/img263/563/fiftybe3.jpg


Lyson should have been a grave-digger because he was extremely efficient at digging his own hole. First off he called Tanya a whore then after apologising to her he said he hadn't know she was my wife 'cause I always have "fifty girls going at the same time".
After Tanya stopped pointing her crossbow at my head. Lyson again made a foul-up and I chased him off around the countryside. I eventually got sick of his excessive use of his hefty shield and decided to belt him repeatedly with mine.
Mildly satisfying.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

9th day of the 9th month

So as I trudged into Stonekeep I noticed a distinct lack of movement and while it was technically my day off I decided to try and spark something resembling activity in the garrison.
I didn't really have any ideas. The countryside seemed safe, external threats have lessened and I was in no mood to drill the men and women on something mundane and uninteresting.
I was also partially drunk, after all it was my day off.

I gave everybody a list of options detailing things we could do. Most of them involved booze, pie and violence.

I decided we would all go in search of 'Battle Creatures'. Everybody went off to find one, I stumbled across a Pack Llama at the stables which I borrowed. Now. I know from my experiences with Llamas that they're incredibly dangerous animals. I decided since it was a 'Pack Llama' that it was half-tame. I'm not sure how one goes about taming a llama, being that they are crazed beasts who lust after death and destruction. However, I led my newly acquired 'Battle Llama' back to Stonekeep.

Ragnar Broketusk was Aldridge's pet, with Boba (Walker's) Pecker (Wilkes'), Spot (Tripps') and a dead harpy (Tenne's) making up the rest of the order.
Aldridge placed a ridiculously sized bet on Ragnar, which inevitably failed as Battle Llama and Boba ripped through the competition. However, when the two faced off there could be only one winner. Boba snapping Battle Llama's neck in two like a pathetic, insignificant tree twig.
Battle Llama had failed as all guardian spawn inevitably does and I enjoyed watching Boba brutalise him in such a humiliating fashion.

I can't remember much after that. All I know is it involved random outbursts and alcohol.

http://img209.imageshack.us/img209/6669/somecrapeventia4.jpg


Hmm..
Last Man Standing tonight... wonder who will win. Probably someone either excessively short or fat.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

10th day of the 9th month

So yesterday I found myself on my way to the Orc Cave. We were gathering ingots or something. I didn't really pay attention. All patrols to the Orc Cave inevitably end up fighting those gigantic brute things.
I did manage to find a potential replacement for Chips though, however it was dead.. and by dead I mean it seemed to have once been alive, only to have been brought back to life and killed again. I believe that Undead Zhedra or whatever used to ride one of those once upon a time. Not sure the kids would take too kindly to me bringing home an Undead horse though.
Tanya's cooking often smells bad enough without the stink of rotting flesh seeping through to the house.

It seemed that Tripps hadn't thought to bring a crafter with him so I went in search of that Jessica. She was mulling around inside the Tradepost, rooting through the storage containers as she usually is. Nosey cow.
I sent her off to the Orc Cave and went back to my paperwork.

http://img520.imageshack.us/img520/655/orccavehs0.jpg


Noticed we had a couple of men due their awards from the previous ceremony. So I dealt with them and then began 'preparing' for the Last Man Standing.
Mia the barmaid wanted to talk in private. Now this girl's a little odd so I thought it best not to speak to her away from everyone else. Apparently she knew I was about to leave the Tradepost before I even did. Which makes me think she's some sort of wytch.
Anyway - Since she thought the issue was 'embarrassing' I assumed it was either some sort of dopey come-on or a personal problem. Like a 'feminine itch'.

http://img403.imageshack.us/img403/7617/miahasafeminineitchyt5.jpg


Anyway - Walker beat Helmgard in the final two of the Last Man Standing. Which wasn't surprising. Walker almost lost though, he backed off from a toe to toe so I suppose Helmgard technically won the moral victory. Walker beat him pretty clean though, even if it was a little dishonourably.

Back to work.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

11th day of the 9th month

Seems the lovely new couple I hired to run the tavern in the wake of Carolyn's 'unfortunate' suspension have some sort of personal vendetta against tabs.
Tanya even sided with the old bat who I was arguing with, querying why I need a tab.
...I know. I sometimes wonder how about her too. She does have her 'blonde' moments, doesn't she? I'm not even going to bother explaining why I need a tab. With their extortionate prices, you need access to a treasury of some description and I can't afford to carry around buckets full of gold just to pay for a pitcher of water once in a while.

If they're going to refuse me my tab then I'm not paying off what I previously owed them. Although I have a horrible feeling that a certain someone has paid off my tab when I've not been looking. Meddling women.

http://img248.imageshack.us/img248/6845/lastnightjq3.jpg


The D'Gar guards were on the verge of killing the new Bar Manager after they offended his wife but it seems that Navy Blue Drew bloke who also seems to double as 'The Crimson Rabbit' or something dealt with him.
As he fled the tavern, he crashed into the poor bastard, knocking his head against the wall.
I suppose that's one way of getting rid of the new management.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

12th day of the 9th month

So there we were in 'Spider Wood' surrounded by nasties.
The men were here to construct bases in the woodland and learn how to fend off constant threats both from organised forces and roaming beasts.
I threw a few stipulations in too. Such as when you got knocked down by the opposing team, you joined them.
As well as restrictions on armour and special techniques. Those who chose one at the beginning were restricted from using the other.

For the most part it seemed to work. People cheated on rare occasions but they were dealt with swiftly. After a good while I got bored of watching Red chase Green and Red chase Tan and sent all of them into the 'Spider Cave' to pick a team (by splashing on colours from tubs hidden inside) and gathering gold for their chosen team.

Red Team won overall, which was surprising, since they'd had less members for much of the 'Cave Stage'.

http://img526.imageshack.us/img526/415/besiegeduu0.jpg


I'll have to remember to remember to give those who participated some sort of reward.
Nah

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

13th day of the 9th month

That foolish Crimson Raider or whatever was lurking around Stonekeep yesterday.
Scaring civilians and picking on junior ranks seems to be all he's capable of.
But after multiple chases around the woodland and an attempt at fighting the fool one on one only for him to flee every bloody second, a Trainee showed up and rather surprisingly managed to trip him up with his spear, which finally gave me the opportunity to line up a crunching blow to the head.
KAPOW!
He 'surrendered' like a coward. Well.. surrendered after I'd incapacitated him but in my mind that's good enough.

http://img517.imageshack.us/img517/1689/bladanddrewnn7.jpg


After that we bunged him in a cell, where he delivered cliché after awful cliché. Had the men drop him off in Trinsic later so he could wreak havoc on their guard force.
I suppose that's a little cruel on their innocents but then who in Trinsic is innocent?

http://img517.imageshack.us/img517/6609/crimsonbraiderac7.jpg


- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

14th day of the 9th month

So being the generous kind of guy that I am - I thought I'd organise a little picnic on a secluded island (Paradise) for our hardworking guardsmen and women.
They'd have to find it first. Which was part of the challenge. One team sort of followed the rules and the spirit of the game, whereas the other one resorted to crime and stole a boat from a Trinsic civilian to gain an advantage.
Not that I have an issue with wreaking havoc in Trinsic.

So after I'd sent the naughty team away until I would summon them back, the other team eventually arrived to enjoy the picnic. It seemed the island was tainted by vile wytchery though, as when you stood on particular parts of the island, you couldn't hear anyone else!
It was rather bizarre and disorientating, so I quickly decided I felt safer aboard a ship. Which is saying something as I'd usually never want to be anywhere near one of those floating coffins.

http://img444.imageshack.us/img444/8178/paradisegf0.jpg


Anyway - After a few naval battle games (consisting of numerous attempts at pushing Madsen overboard) we visited Trinsic to return the stolen ship. Wandered around for ages looking for 'Stewan Seagull' or whoever.
Never found him. Did find a drow.
She didn't eat us, which was fortunate but nor did she have any brilliant advice as to where we could find Seagull. Instead after giving up on that we found a bloody clothes stall and all the women (as well as Fraser) took it upon themselves to inspect the goods.
Tanya pleaded with me to buy her something pretty. I could have bought her anything and it wouldn't have mattered. She just wanted to embarrass me in front of the men and succeeded. Cow.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

15th day of the 9th month

So now I know never to listen to someone asking to go read a book.
There we were in the bowels of Terort Skitas, surrounded by things that were big enough to devour us whole when we notice a sodding tome on a pedestal.
Now usually I see those things and a big bleeding alarm sounds in my head and warns me to "STAY THE HELL AWAY!". Young asked to go back and read the book because it looked 'expensive'.

In future I intend fully to follow my gut feeling and stay away from the large book guarded jealously by lich lords, swirling cyclones of poison and overgrown nosebleed elementals. Nothing good could come from it and it didn't.
I think Tanya was the only one who escaped with all her gear intact and I of course was subjected to constant mocking all evening. What she forgets is that some of us actually stand and fight the bloody things instead of crawling into a corner every time something as big as a dog leaps out at us.

http://img262.imageshack.us/img262/6389/terortek9.jpg


Next time one of the kids asks me to read them a bedtime story, I will refuse and use the above as an example of why you should avoid reading without a heavily armed escort.

I say that but we're going back there tonight and I have every intention of bringing that book with us just to burn it in defiance and even though there's no mention of any interesting mounts on my list of 'What to expect in Terort Skitas', you never know!
Vengeance (and possibly funky horse) shall be mine!

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

16th day of the 9th month

Ahh.. victory.
Victory through obstacles greater than we ever imagined.
Three golden lich lords, fountains of golden blood, balrons, demons, fire-breathing dogs and swirling cyclones of venom.
When I said I wished to return to Terort Skitas, I didn't quite anticipate that despite our greater numbers we'd face even greater odds.

We pushed through the dungeon quite quickly but were held at the corridor that was to be our end last time we passed through. We discovered a golden lich lord blocking our path to the foul tome sitting triumphantly atop the pedestal. Now, I've learned in my experiences with the undead that they usually avoid negotiations and usually seem to prefer the idea of biting your shoulder off rather than having a nice chit-chat. With that in mind we attacked head-on. It was going as well as could be expected, considering we were being flanked by numerous undead allies. However, soon some of the men wavered and fled, leaving the few of us remaining to stand against the on-rushing hordes alone. It wasn't long before I was calling 'FALL BACK!'... to myself.

We fell back and regrouped, taking nigh on an eternity to recover what with the constant pressures from every conceivable direction. Still Tanya completed her revival duties to perfection. Helping everyone back up as soon as was physically possible.
Still it took a while to deal with the odd presence of some sort of knock-out gas, which had an unfortunate habit of being released every time we went up or down flights of stairs. The amount of times we departed down some stairs only to wake up a few moments later stretched out on the cold floor with some sort of unholy beast picking at your belongings like you were a living, breathing market stall. It wouldn't have bothered me so much if I'd had a chance to defend myself but it seemed whoever had designed the gas-traps had it in for us poor Militiamen.
Eventually we overcame such an obstacle and devised a cunning plan to destroy the Lich Lord. Luring it to the steps and flinging ourselves at it.
Apparently fearing the upper level, the golden bastard kept himself well away from the top of the stairs, so if we needed to fall-back we were able to do so. Eventually the codger fell despite assistance from balrons and other hell-fiends.
It was about this time that we debated whether to continue, whether the book was worthy of so much sacrifice. Despite what was likely a majority vote in favour of retreating, we pressed on...

Only to find another golden lich lord. We wasted little time in drawing the ejit back to the stairs to repeat our clever tactic. It worked too, very swiftly I might add. Still, we had again lost ground and we were no-where nearer the book than we previously had been. A new tactic would be required!

http://img211.imageshack.us/img211/3839/skitasmd1.jpg


We attacked quickly, showing no mercy to those who guarded the book, establishing ourselves in a formation around the pedestal whilst I ordered Footman Young to set the foul book ablaze. It worked.
However, cackling from the darkest corners of the room alerted us to the presence of yet another golden ejit.
We were hit hard, suddenly ambushed by any number of blood-fountains and poison mists. 'FALL BACK!' was in order. Only Helmgard and Tanya were on hand to hear me though, everyone else was buried underneath mounts of festering carcasses.
Still, after a quick re-group. We fell back to the upper levels. Finding a nice, quiet spot to pray to the Higher Being for passage out of this evil-infested pit of misery and home to celebrate victory.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

17th day of the 9th month

Absolutely knackered, I've just gotten in from making sure the Last Man Standing went ahead after a day ferrying children around to various places.
Nothing very exciting happened at the Last Man. Caden D'Gar won because everyone else seems to pride themselves on being idiots who wouldn't know a strategic plan if it came up and flanked them in the arse.

http://img229.imageshack.us/img229/6619/lastman16thbz8.jpg

Got home and not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
Practically passed out on the bed nearly crushing Tanya, only to be awoken by Annie crawling into bed at what must have been only a few minutes later. After that point I was too conscious of the rest of the clan following suit that I couldn't settle. So here I am, writing a stupid entry in this never-ending journal.

http://img229.imageshack.us/img229/6941/sleepinxd3.jpg

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

18th day of the 9th month

So... last night was interesting.
I managed to publicly upset Tanya, which then caused her to make a big scene. Storming out, then returning and buying stupidly prized drinks on my tab.
I'm not even sure if I have a tab, so I'm not quite up on who paid for her drinks.
Anyway - Apparently me making a subtle joke about Vesperian whores during a discussion about ladies of the night didn't go down particularly well.
Seems Tanya has a very long-term memory and remembers a certain incident with Louisa and a Vesperian wench. I mean... I'd forgotten all about it.
I'm glad she reminded me though, heh... oh yes... very glad.

http://img341.imageshack.us/img341/8338/taverngj7.jpg

Tonight Walsh is holding some of sort of 'Military Maneuvers' drill.
Guess I should really be there for that.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

19th day of the 9th month

So Walsh was unavoidably detained. Instead of attempting to run her drill in her absence I noticed the Citadel was as dirty as a horny Markie.
Now, being a champion of innovation I decided I'd have the men display their creativity and also their engineering skills by cleaning the Citadel's exterior walls.
After picking work-teams Madsen shot Wilkes (already crippled for some reason) in the leg. There seemed to be a bit of confusion as to how to tend to his wounds. So I dealt with him rather effectively.
Then we got on to working.
The cleaning methods were rather pathetic as all the teams seemed to neglect the task of actually cleaning the Citadel and preferred instead to tarnish each other's efforts.
Idiots.

Tearheart and Madsen ended up practically shagging on the grass, which was perhaps the most disturbing thing I've ever had the displeasure of witnessing.

http://img229.imageshack.us/img229/2770/washinbc5.jpg

Seems someone has it in for my horses, as Lily came by and began feeding Ferran cookies.
I took her home so as to minimise damage but I think that's the last we've seen of Ferran, poor nag.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

20th day of the 9th month

So last night after rescuing a patrol at the Humility Shrine who stumbled across a walking golden corpse I ran... well... something.
The fools couldn't grasp what kind of pie was my favourite. Well they could, it's apple, obviously. However, I didn't want them to get the answer quite so easily so I pretended it was the fictional 'Moon Pie'.
Yes, Meat, Onion, Oranges and Noodles.
Whatever 'Noodles' and 'Oranges' are.
As they didn't know how a good pie was made, I decided we would bake a pie and teach them the correct method of pie-making.

The pie was filled with numerous disgusting ingredients, including cheese, wine and broken glass. There was garlic as well as meat but that wasn't quite as bad as the prospect of Cordelia putting her Radek-tainted hands into the bowl.
Managed to upset Tanya after she was knocked down the stairs by an idiot Wiley, woke her up by uh... well.. saying something inappropriate.
So now I'm in the doghouse, as usual.
As everyone should know - mix is only... mixed when the... mix is under the mixer's nails. Derwyn wasn't the best mixer in existence but she eventually did the job.

http://img525.imageshack.us/img525/4218/piehe5.jpg

Had the men compete for who got to eat the pie first, by using the tried and tested dressing-up fighting... thing.

Anyway - Seems the women switched the pies with an Apple pie. I know. The nerve!

Put them all in a cell, that'll teach them.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

21st day of the 9th month

Need to remember to write to the Church requesting that they allow us greater powers to investigate hobbits and little people.
Now, I've never really thought too much about it but creatures from the Shire or Underhill were always sodding magical beasts.
It became pretty apparent during that bagball match yesterday that hobbits have some sort of unnatural bond with bagballs, it must be the unsightly hair on their feet that provides such an amazing ability to control a sodding pig's bladder at high speed.
We lost that match 6-3. Scored all three goals for our team and I was playing abysmally so you can imagine just how bad my team was.
I don't think the Covians had ever seen a bagball before, Tripps was... well Tripps and Madsen has the athletic ability of a constipated snail.

Annwyn decided to have Wilkes watch our goal as there were suspicions of cheating from the opposing team. Since he seems to have some sort of ongoing disagreement with Madsen I decided to kindly request that he cease in his goal-line judgement, especially after he made a number of rude remarks about our team.

http://img513.imageshack.us/img513/3460/bagballgx8.jpg


Annwyn had the nerve to offer me a prize for 'Taking part'. Talk about trying to humiliate me. Like I'd ever appreciate a prize for 'Taking part', that's like accepting the fact that we lost in good grace. Pitiful.
Obviously I rejected the stupid cup, I suppose I could have kept it and thrown it at someone later on in the evening but I think the shame of actually touching the bloody thing would have been too much.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

22nd day of the 9th month

Ended up on yet another patrol to that bloody Orc Cave, again in search of ore.
I must have been there innumerable times over the years. I remember a patrol there as barely a Footman and it still hasn't changed a bit. Orcs don't appear to be ones for development.
Anyway - the craftie present hadn't an idea how to smelt shadow iron ore, which was a stroke of genius on Walsh's part, hiring in an incompetent craftsman, so after battling our way to the gigantic brute orcs, I was forced to wend my way back through the caverns to fetch a craftsman.
Found Lambeth and sent her back there with an armed escort.

http://img250.imageshack.us/img250/5452/lily01la6.jpg

Went off to finish some paperwork, then visited the tavern only to find Tanya and Lily having a disagreement over something or other.
Apparently Tanya had brought Lily to the Keep for a special treat, or some such. (Note: Put foot down about said matter in future, garrison is no place for children.)

Lily as usual was exceptionally rude when she didn't get her own way and I told her to be good and stay exactly where she was (on the rug in The Deer) until Tanya and I returned. Waited outside for a few minutes whilst Young was inside, figured she'd probably just badger him or something until she got bored and came running out.
Instead we heard crying, so rushed in and found her in tears with Young trying to bribe her with cookies (a trick that's becoming more and more ineffectual as she grows up.) I attempted to deal with the situation calmly whilst Tanya cuddled Lily.

http://img519.imageshack.us/img519/2812/lily02vh4.jpg


Apparently he'd given her some coconut and she'd started choking. Idiot.
Lily of course knowing exactly what she was doing accused Young of hitting her. Anyway - took her home and I was told that I was her 'bestest friend'. First time I've heard that in a while, could've sworn it was Navaska but apparently he's an 'idiot' now as he refuses to marry Lily. Can't blame him. Bet he has his hands full with Floria being high maintenance, let alone Lily.
Still she seems to have a crush on Rhoen now, which is only slightly worrying being that he's her brother.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

23rd day of the 9th month

Next time someone dangles the opportunity to earn one million gold for a 'simple task' in front of you, run. Run far far away.
So there we were in Umbra being kind, well-rounded individuals trying to offer help to any civilians who required it. I figured since people in Umbra are quite tough and have to deal with pretty nasty things on a regular basis that they'd make really good soldiers.
So I had the men wander around Umbra chatting to the locals.
Seems the locals didn't take too kindly to the lads and lasses though, so I decided we'd go for a walk in the countryside, however before we could leave the city limits we stumbled across a 'wrinkly' who mistook us for students of something or other. If we went and got some bloke to sign a form for us, she'd pay back our million gold tuition fees or some such.

Sod our community profile drive. Not every day that someone offers me a million gold for a signature, so off we went to Luna, found the bloke we were searching for, only to be sent off to gather:

5 Pixie legs
1 Unicorn rib
2 Ki-Rin brains

It wasn't going to be easy. Pixies were notoriously crafty and attempted to ambush us multiple times and the bloody Unicorns were impossible to locate since they seemed to be more concerned with wandering aimlessly rather than presenting themselves for slaughter which would have been the proper etiquette in such a situation.

http://img503.imageshack.us/img503/3561/bedlam01eg5.jpg


After hacking our way through half of Ilshenar, we found ourselves faced with the imposing task of locating a herd of Ki-rin.
Now, I hadn't seen one of those things for a long while but I remembered the last time I had it had been in an underground cavern near the swamps.

http://img504.imageshack.us/img504/3588/bedlam02er0.jpg


Took us a flipping lifetime to find the place and then another lifetime to slaughter enough Ki-Rins to appropriate the right sized brains.
People were getting rather desperate at this stage, shoving one another aside in an effort to get to the brain first. It was like being around a bunch of zombies with the munchies. Rather unnerving, especially when Young started screeching "Brainsssss" at the top of his voice. Imbecile.
Finally we found enough and pegged it back to Luna, gore sloshing in our backpacks.
The bloke happily signed our forms in exchange for the 'booty' and we set off to Umbra.
Only to be told to head into 'Bedlam' to find yet another bloke.
Didn't go so well, in fact 'Cookie' got eaten by an undead horse and we were chased out by a bunch of hungry undead.
Sod that for a million gold.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

24th day of the 9th month

I'm thinking of taking up a career in theatre once this militia lark is done and dusted. Derwyn had us split into teams of three yesterday and told us to be 'creative' and perform something 'dramatic'.
The other team consisted of Tanya, Katrine and Verity. Tanya I know can be rather 'creative' in terms of the roleplays she asks me to act out at home. Katrine can be very creative in terms of what she whines about on a daily basis and Verity is Verity... I guess she was just there to make up the numbers.

My team on the other hand consisted of Walsh and Young. Yes... you can understand I was forced to overcome adversity from the very beginning.
Young confided in us that he had 'the creativity of a rock' and Walsh is hardly going to win any awards for her innovative storytelling abilities.
Conveniently I had more than enough creativity and acting ability to make up for these rather handicapped individuals.

The women's team's production was one of those typically yawn-worthy tales with 'an important message'. Because that's what I was most concerned with when I watched Verity stuff her tongue down my wife's throat whilst they pretended to be a married couple. No, I was more interested in how I was going to convince her to do it again.
Katrine was an elf. Not really too far from the truth. Moans and whinges enough to be guardian spawn.
Of course they made up for the complete lack of plot depth by killing off two characters (the elf and the wife) something we might also be accused of. However, the deaths of two of our major characters were an absolute necessity and the only logical conclusion to our intricate plot.

Walsh was "Daisy the Innocent Maiden", whilst Young was "Henry the Heroic".
I of course played the villain "Peter the Pilfering Pieman", since I'm much better at playing the dashing rogue than the knight with a log up his self-righteous arse.
Of course I emerged victorious (I wouldn't write the script any other way) slaying the foul hero and subsequently the fair maiden whilst making off with the pie.

http://img205.imageshack.us/img205/8550/playsoz1.jpg


Tanya seemed to take a liking to my villainous attire, despite her booing me at every possible opportunity.
She tried to seduce me in my office but I refused, the model of morality that I am.
Back on duty I noticed Wilkes limping about like a crippled beggar as per usual. I demanded he put his uniform back on. He moaned about the extent of his injuries. Idiot.
Like a broken foot would stop me.

http://img167.imageshack.us/img167/7905/creamybj9.jpg


Cox won the Last Man Standing despite almost losing to Floria on numerous occasions. He avoided a rather humiliating fate there, seems Floria's getting better, even if she moves with the grace of an obese cow.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

25th day of the 9th month
What a day!

Had some slapper trying to sell me a book of 'sexual positions'. Like I need a flipping textbook to assist me in the bedroom. What am I going to do if I suddenly have a massive memory lapse and forget how to 'do it' in a certain position? (As impossible as that would be) Flip open a manual for reference? Next they'll be trying to sell me a thesaurus for dirty talk. "Oh yes, you wh.. *leafs through leather bound tome* lady of the evening!"

Got guilt-tripped into accompanying Footmen Young and Brown as well as Sergeant Walsh to the bloody Orc Caves... again.
That's the last time I'm going there for at least another month.
Used my sword for the majority of our time within the caverns, surprisingly I haven't completely forgotten how to use it, even if it has been a good twenty years since I last used one actively.
Anyway - Young thought it would be funny to have us escape by running through the tunnels screaming like women.
Oddly enough Young and I escaped without issue whilst the actual women (I suppose we can just about consider Timothy male, despite evidence to the contrary) struggled to get out at all.

http://img513.imageshack.us/img513/167/orcsagainxf3.jpg


Tavern night was soon after and I dressed up in Peter the Pilfering Pieman attire, mainly because everyone else was dressing up like faeries.

Seems Tanya's been secretly keeping money behind the bar for me to stop my bitching about a tab.
I'm disgusted by this act of betrayal. Talk about undermining a man's principals. Of course this revelation led to her attempting to talk her way back into my good books by being sweet and playful.
Put me in a bad mood though, especially when she pushed my pie (plate and all) onto the floor.
Of course the evening degenerated into us making snide remarks about one another. The token Lou jab appeared and not being too overjoyed at having my private life announced in the tavern, I took a few cheap shots back.

http://img337.imageshack.us/img337/8194/tavernpissyrc6.jpg


We sort of made up and I made my escape upon "Munch" my most recent horse addition.
Tanya arrived home soon after in tears. Seems some phallus had been insulting her and calling her a slut or some such due to rather ancient and inaccurate Trinsic rumours. Interesting that he decided to do so after I'd left the building.
Next time I see him, he won't be seeing anything other than my fist nestled between his eye sockets and the brickwork travelling towards him at three hundred miles per hour as I launch him into the wall. Idiot.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

26th day of the 9th month

It's very difficult to write a witty and inspiring log when nothing particularly witty or inspiring has taken place recently.
Received a letter from Lou. Seems she'd like the children to go and stay with her for a week.
Didn't quite have the nerve to respond to it without consulting Tanya, so brought it home to her. Apparently the prospect of handing the twins over to her arch-nemesis doesn't exactly fill her with over-whelming glee. I can't blame her really. She loves her children but dear Louisa doesn't exactly inspire confidence when it comes to parenting. You only have to ask Floria to appreciate that.
That's probably harsh, Floria turned out alright. One out of five isn't a terrible ratio and when Francis isn't dumping dead fish onto Annie's bed because "they need somewhere to sleep", those two are something of a success story themselves. So I guess that'd be three out of five. Now if only Tanya hadn't practically raised Annie and Francis in Louisa's absence.

http://img76.imageshack.us/img76/5108/miceshy2.jpg


Anyway - Ran a training yesterday evening which consisted of many hideously coloured items of clothing, lots of running, lots of chasing and lots of screaming. Pretty much like my home-life in that respect. Forced Tripps to wear a dress because he was a 'loser' in 'First to Fall' despite not technically losing. Astendar would've enjoyed wearing the dress though, so it wouldn't have had the humiliating effect I was aiming for.
Cade ended up wearing a jester outfit. Probably would have been better suited to Wilkes but he wasn't there. Probably off sulking in a corner over being both injured and mentally inadequate.

The girls were the last ones left up in the "Brawl to end it all". I would have been able to enjoy it had there not been the whole issue of Floria being present. I realise I'm rather controversial but I do draw the line at incest, unlike some families in Yew.

Tanya wants to 'officially' get married, since in her eyes one rushed marriage isn't enough. I suppose I can't really put my foot down about this. She wants the children to come (since they weren't present the first time) and I assume if they're old enough to have them, their respective partners. It's times like this that I'm glad I have no siblings or parents.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

27th day of the 9th month

Now I remember why I avoid taking days off and staying at home.
Tanya seems to consider a day off as a 'Do work that needs doing to the house' day.
Since we apparently 'need more room' and are in the process of planning numerous new bedrooms (five are not enough it would seem) Tanya had me packing stuff away for the majority of yesterday. Tanya's using the whole "Rose and Rhoen stay so often" excuse, when really I know she's desperate to get pregnant... again.
Because there aren't enough children running around the house currently, are there?


http://img519.imageshack.us/img519/3702/cleaningex5.jpg


Did eventually manage to creep out and head to work, Madsen had apparently run some sort of training on peasant weaponry or some such. I wasn't really paying a lot of attention, had a little more on my mind with the package I discovered waiting outside my office door and how I'm going to mention it to Tanya.

http://img519.imageshack.us/img519/5773/louhy8.jpg

So looking forward to the ear-bashing I'm going to get as a result of that one. "Why is she sending things to your office?" "Why's she sending anything at all?"
I've avoided going near it all day. I wouldn't put it past Lou to pack the vases with explosives and lace the champagne with something nasty.
Maybe I'll let Madsen take a look.

Anyway - I better get to the Keep and run this training or whatever that I haven't planned or even put any thought into.
Fear my organisational powers!

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

28th day of the 9th month

Never. Let. Idiots. Ride. Horses.
I really should have considered the fact that the vast majority of guardsmen are complete imbeciles incapable of effectively commanding a horse. Now I'm no great horseman. By the time I find a horse I'm comfortable with he either gets eaten or Lily feeds him a bag of cookies but still... I was not exactly over the moon at the 'potential officers' I saw this evening.

My first time on a horse as a guardsman saw me crashing into a low-hanging branch at full-gallop. I was lucky the kinkily tight leathers of the Jaegar Guards just about saved me, anything heavier and I would have probably been crushed. However, this lot were hardly any better.
Ring spent most of his time unable to turn, whilst the others galloped into one another whilst belting each other with large objects.

http://img486.imageshack.us/img486/2646/horseswm2.jpg


I had them not only learn to control the horse at different speeds but fight, race and even played Bagpolo, a game that the Footmen won, albeit more closely than they should have if I'd been paying more attention when they were on the offensive.
Five - Four wasn't an entirely unreasonable scoreline. Tanya killed all the fun though by making 'subtle' reminders that I should be home dealing with the builders. Felt like I was a small child playing bagball in the street only to have my Mother screaming at me to come in for dinner.

Getting married tomorrow, well I suppose it's technically today! Agh!
Tanya dropped that bombshell on me a few minutes after I got home. Talk about short notice. I bet she's been planning it for weeks and only just told me just to see me squirm.
I haven't even begun looking for something to wear (although that's not really my greatest concern) and I'm not even entirely sure where the hell I'm supposed to be going for the ceremony.
Should really listen to her in future. Well - I'll have something to write about in my next entry. Any event with Floria and Rose in the same room always has 'volatile' written all over it.
Oh and I'm getting married... again.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

29th day of the 9th month

Didn't quite imagine I'd spend my wedding night on a blanket in the living room but that's what happens when you stumble into your house with your "new" bride and discover you don't have any furniture.

For all the fuss that went into preparing the wedding, I was pleasantly surprised by the minimal fuss that occurred after. Nobody argued, nobody killed one another. Rose was a little miffed at not having anyone to bring to the ceremony but she seemed to get over it. The little ones looked pretty cute as well in their matching outfits. Something to tease them about when they're obnoxious adolescents.
Rhoen and Summer took the children away for the evening and Tanya and I spent the rest of the time nestled up together in each other's arms. How romantic huh?

It was all going so well until we were only a few hundred yards away from our doorstep when she suddenly stops and informs me that she needs to tell me something.
I already had a fair idea of what it was though, it's happened so many times now that I can usually tell when a woman's going to drop the dreaded 'P' word.
Only this time I wasn't actually that shaken by the news, I'd had time to grow accustomed to the idea and I suppose one more screaming child can't hurt our already complete lack of harmony within the house.

http://img123.imageshack.us/img123/9715/weddingat5.jpg


Seems a certain stupid little idiot turned up my doorstep though. However I can't be bothered to talk about him. Prat. I'm in a remarkably good mood at the moment and I won't let it be spoiled by 'that'.

I suppose I should look at getting some time off for a proper Honeymoon.
Yeah... that's likely.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

30th day of the 9th month

Being the entrepreneur that I am. I'm always on the lookout for the next big thing that could see me enjoying a care-free retirement.
Since people have been venturing to overrun dungeons like they're pathed with gold, I last night single-handedly decided we'd utilise Katrine Astendar's uncanny cake-making abilities to carve out a niche market in "Dungeon Adventuring Food Supplies".
Knowing that adventurers need a source of energy to keep them hacking away at monsters, a sugary treat from 'Mrs Katrine's Exceptionally Good Cakes' was a sure-fire way to not only maintain a steady flow of energy but also a boost to any would-be hero's abilities.

Tanya is a wonderful cook and a fantastic baker of cakes, her abilities I am sure are far beyond those possessed by Katrine but being pregnant I thought it best to have Tanya avoid any hard labour and so set her to work managing sales targets.
Sineal Walker our 'Promotional Team leader' devised our brilliant promotional strategy, along with Aiden Margera.
Katrine, being 'Head of Production' got to work on creating our 'product-line'.

http://img218.imageshack.us/img218/3379/cakeswi0.jpg

Once our planning was complete we set off to Shame to launch our products onto the market. Tanya had predicted that we would sell 0 cakes.
We were determined to beat said target, or at least meet it.
Despite some of the market turning their noses up at our products and stating rather matter-of-factly that they had "No ty" whatever that meant (note to self: investigate possibility of 'ty' being local taintling currency), we conquered the market with a single, solitary sale. Not only breaking even in our first year but also crushing our sales targets.
With news of said successes, I decided that we would soon target the as of yet untapped market of 'Cookies for people at Banks'.

We shall begin our preparations immediately.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

1st day of the 10th month

Yes, it would seem combat prowess in the Militia has gone to the dogs. The entire Besieger division, a Veteran in Olaf Helmgard and a Lance Corporal in Aiden Margera are undone by two Footmen.
A bunch of games where the Footmen didn't quite hold their own against the rampaging ranks of Besiegers and Iron Arms didn't prepare me for the conclusion to the Last Man Standing.
Both Jacob Bannon and Timothy Young fought for almost three times the length of the rest of the Last Man Standing before Young lucked it, puncturing Jacob with a flukey bolt which sent him crashing to the ground.

http://img337.imageshack.us/img337/9113/lastmanagainhj6.jpg


I'm still in actual shock over what occurred, so much so that I don't really have anything more to say on the matter.

"Timothy Young wins a Last Man Standing."

That's not a sentence I ever thought I'd write.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

2nd day of the 10th month

I hate darts.

There - I said it.
I don't know much of my family history but whoever was responsible for my last name must have been a big darts fan and not a darts champion because I certainly haven't inherited any amazing abilities when it comes to throwing sharp objects at a stuffed mongbat.
I can shoot a bow. The trophies I have from all the Archery tournaments I've won can prove that but somehow the concept of throwing a dagger at that bloody thing is close to impossible.

http://img227.imageshack.us/img227/2733/tavernwoobn9.jpg

Ah well - lots of rumours floating around as regards Young's rather worrying choice of lovers. Most of them started by me.

The tavern was pretty quiet last night, so we left rather early, using the 'check on the babysitter' excuse to full-effect, only to find some lonely child outside. I gave him a muffin whilst Tanya went indoors to find Kat. Poor kid, being fed Kat's cooking. Probably prefer to starve.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

3rd day of the 10th month

So ended up on yet another D'Marco treasure hunt, again near Buc's Den.
She was dressed up like something out of a frigging fairy story.
Can't believe that woman once had the nerve to demand I gave her a foot-rub.
Yuck. My skin is practically crawling as I write this.

I gave everyone a chance not to go on the Treasure Hunt but a majority vote saw us head off in search of shiny stuff and maiming at the hands of dead blokes and fat giants. Things kept leaping up and biting at us whilst Rynn faffed about with the contents of the chest. Apparently some enchanted armour and a few gold coins is worth staying in one spot with hungry monsters who crave human blood and organs.

http://img178.imageshack.us/img178/6643/thuntum5.jpg


Some Trainee came by and tried it on with me, saying how amazingly courageous I was. Walker figured she'd be flying up those ranks, however any opportunity she had of quick advancement plummeted into the ground in a fiery blaze as she argued that llamas were 'innocent creatures'!
I know.

Think I managed to finally offend Rynn to the point that she left town permanently. Although I think she's done that before so I won't hold out too much hope.

Anyway - Vance has a training now and I have to think of something to do later on.
Toodle-pip!

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

4th day of the 10th month

So the Weekly training was mildly entertaining. Played the usual kind of games, running around hitting one another amongst knee-high mud.
Won everything, as usual, despite the fact I was covered from head to toe in mud by the end of the training.
I must be that amazing.

http://img502.imageshack.us/img502/6039/vancehg4.jpg


After that I had everyone help in constructing a playground in town for the local children. A nice community focused project that was not only constructive but beneficial to everyone!
There were numerous little activities, with a rope to climb, a bagball to kick around, a round-about... thing, a pond, a sandpit and a see-saw.
I thought it looked pretty fun, so you can only imagine how entertaining the children would find it.

http://img339.imageshack.us/img339/6196/playgroundlr4.jpg



Tanya brought Francis and Lily along to test out the playground. Bring along the two worst behaved children, fantastic idea. I somehow doubt Annie or Ben would have run around punching and kicking the assembled guards and smacked one another with the bagball.

Anyway - finally finished that paperwork and Walsh has some thing planned, better go outside.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

5th day of the 10th month

The only rabbit I've ever trusted was 'Aley the ale rabbit' and now I have even more reason to distrust them.
Walsh had heard there was some 'madness' up at one of the farms. Apparently some vermin had been chasing a farmer's wife around and trying to nibble her lettuces or something.
Saw some random bloke on the way up there encircled by a flock of sheep. Not quite sure I want to dwell any further on that, especially based upon what he said the sheep's activities consisted of.

http://img214.imageshack.us/img214/5898/vorpalsi2.jpg


After rooting around for the vermin for a while a bunch of icy-blue coloured rabbits leapt out of the ground. Seems shooting and bashing these things didn't really have much of an impact. The first two took a while to squash, since they kept leaping back and forth over trenches in the ground, typical rebel tactics. The third (and biggest) one was ridiculously resilient, in fact he even managed to escape, clawing his way into a burrow and eluding mashing.
Git.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

6th day of the 10th month

Ended up in Britain and teamed with some Trainee. 'Typical' I had thought.
'Doomed from the outset.'
Seems I was wrong. He and I managed to dispatch everyone else, including three Besiegers. I was very impressed, not often you find a Trainee who can hold his own in a fight.
Did a few other games. Including a Last Man Standing around the bank which ended when I guess people got bored of me fighting two on one and Walsh called an end to it.

http://img503.imageshack.us/img503/8549/lastnightagainrd4.jpg


D'Marco then turned up and started trying to insult me in her usual manner.
I reminded her of a few distinct flaws in her character and then promptly found myself being dragged off onto a ship in search of treasure.
I don't really know what happened there. All I know is I ended up in Yew again and woke up with a headache and the knowledge that I had a great deal of paperwork to sift through. Joy.

Seems I have less and less to talk about in my logs these days which is good because my desire to rant has diminished to the point that I'm sitting here trying to piss myself off so I have something to scribble away about.
What annoys me? Apple Pies with other things besides apple inside them!
Oh... I can't even be bothered.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

7th day of the 10th month

Ahhh, nothing beats a gloriously humble little fayre in an enemy city where nobody trusts a word you breathe and spends the entire evening disputing every possible fraction of your story.
Granted the story wasn't exactly full-proof, especially when Katrine called me 'Blad' and Cordelia called me 'Captain' in front of a bunch of Vesperians.
I think a career in intelligence gathering is somewhat out of reach for those two, then again no further out of reach for them than it would be for me being 'Bladderico' and my occupation as "The Captain of The Ship".

Bought Tanya an ostard after a great deal of begging. Bought her a blue one and apparently they 'like to swim'. I don't know about that, not an expert on overgrown chickens despite having bought myself a red one called 'Edd'. Quickly off-loaded him to Cordelia though, after he tried on multiple occasions to rip my hand off. Apparently it liked to 'build things' and supposedly out of excrement, although I never had the pleasure of witnessing that unique talent whilst he was devouring my limbs. I wish Cordelia well with it, little miserable bastard creature.

http://img515.imageshack.us/img515/952/fayreiz3.jpg


Overheard a conversation that Kathris had with a tarot-reader or some other such buggery. Apparently she has 'great magic' within her.
Will be sure to keep an eye on her in future.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

8th day of the 10th month

So this "Ultimate Duo Competition" lark began in earnest yesterday and already people are storming into the lead.
It seems certain individuals within the Militia are taking the contest very seriously. Walker and Fraser are quite obviously using every possible advantage in the book in an attempt to gain a lead over their rivals, even going so far as to pick a weaker team yesterday so that one could win easily when I assigned them both as leaders of two separate teams.
Sneaky bastards.

http://aycu02.webshots.com/image/29641/2003640921176401417_rs.jpg


Everyone else picked up a number of points, however I was rather stunned by the last three in the Last Man Standing. Trainee Vincent Hall, Footman Egrad Stormberg and Footman Annwyn Brown. Not really the sort of guardsmen you expect to be populating the final stages of a Last Man Standing.
Annwyn won, as Vincent teamed up with her to take down Egrad, then Annwyn dispatched the Trainee toe to toe with a bow. Not a bad day for her I suppose, especially since I discovered she was due a promotion straight after the Last Man Standing climaxed.
"Rookie Guard" and "Last Man Standing Champion" in one day, does it get any better?

...Yes

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

9th day of the 10th month

Typically a fancy dress evening at the tavern yielded some classic costumes.
The luminous yellow outfits, The Merry Man, The Monk and The Pirate.
Walker turned up as a Trainee. I'm surprised a Trainee uniform managed to fit him to be honest. I daresay he had to have one specially made. Trainees normally don't have the cash flow to afford Sineal's pie-diet.

Managed to get a 'Kaboom' (and water for Tanya) from Wilkes, which makes a change to paying for everyone else's drinks or having it on my tab.
I think I'll use points or my favour to gain booze in the future.
I used rather trivial tasks and stupid questions to give away points as well, had them name my children and rather worryingly a few of them knew the odd name. Even 'Rose'. Don't think I've ever mentioned Rose as my daughter in the Keep. Someone must be stalking me.

Walsh held a 'Paper Trail' to give away a few points. Typically as the only Guardsman not eligible to win points I won the competition. Tanya promised she would beat me beforehand, so I ensured I would defeat her by firing a few practice bolts at her as I legged it out of the Winery during the game.
Rather graciously, I allowed Walsh to award the second-placed team my points. I'm so very kind. Of course that kindness may have been let down by me hiding all the other teams' clues whenever I found them. I never left them too far away though. Only about half a mile.

http://aycu17.webshots.com/image/29616/2003261267902309971_rs.jpg


Had them all box at the end to give away more meaningless points, Fraser beat Olaf in the final two. Although I suppose to be fair, Fraser and Walker had been working on Olaf for a good while.
Maybe he isn't completely passed it.
I know. I couldn't keep a straight face whilst I wrote that.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

10th day of the 10th month

Walker has a very crude sense of humour. Forcing people to wear the hacked off faces of dead Orcs is a little unusual to say the least.
It's certainly the closest I ever want to get to an Orc. I can't seem to get the stink out of my skin. Now I think I know how Foxe must feel but then again hopefully it'll be gone in a few days, whereas she's stuck with it for life.

http://img406.imageshack.us/img406/9070/orcfacesgk3.jpg


As a 'Predator' I think I managed to take down one person, Annwyn. Not exactly something to be immensely proud of but being that I could barely move for my legs being knee-high in mud, I suppose it wasn't that bad.
However, as 'Prey' I managed to rather fortunately discover 4000 or so crowns in an Orc's backpack and then salvaged a further 7000 or thereabouts from other Orcs.
Despite my pathetic showing as a 'Predator' I won Walker's bizarre competition, amongst constant accusations of cheating, as always.

The Missus keeps trying to embarrass me in the Keep by kissing me. Obviously an attempt at undermining my professionalism, the nerve!

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

11th day of the 10th month

So yesterday I made use of a free timeslot to shamelessly give away stupid sums of points to anyone who won or even barely achieved anything at all.
I knew people in the Militia were competitive but it seems they've even exceeded my expectations. Walker's taking the competition a little too seriously, despite claiming he doesn't really care.
He's desperate to complete any task that might see him gain a few points, bless his little iron boots.

http://aycu19.webshots.com/image/30778/2003493524883032589_rs.jpg


Young and Hall somehow managed to scrounge a massive sum of points that saw them climb back up the standings by winning not only the 'Multi-Goal Ball' event but the 'East Bridge Race' and 'First to Fall', as well as having a sash in their possession at the end of 'Sash Grabbing' but the competition is still wide open. Alright it's basically between three teams and Stormberg but still, it'll be interesting to see the closing stages, especially with the little twists I have up my devious sleeves.

Lily gave me a few muffins earlier, apparently they were 'Mr Walker's' and I have to be 'his friend' now as Lily promised him. Clearly some sort of bribery attempt by Walker. He should know I am not so easily bought, especially not by muffins. Then again maybe said muffins are filled with golden coins.
*A smear of grease streaks across the page accompanied by a number of crumbs*

Nope. No golden coins.
Bastard.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

12th day of the 10th month

Nothing like rescuing a damsel in distress is there?
Especially when said damsel in distress requires you marching half way across the world, to a boiling desert to ask some sort of mongrel creature a question that could've been solved by searching.
Granted it made our job a lot quicker but I'm not really one of those people who is willing to believe someone claiming to be omnipotent, especially when said omnipotent one looks like a cross between a cow and a bloke.

http://aycu08.webshots.com/image/29087/2000930522893859063_rs.jpg


Bloody cow-man sent us to a cave full of ice. I've been there a good few times in my life but never to rescue someone. Was pretty chilly inside to be honest, luckily I had my 'Peter the Pilfering Pieman' cloak rolled up in my backpack, which meant I was about the only person who wasn't freezing their buttocks off.
Eventually we found the girl and headed home. Not sure who she was or why she was so important, I didn't really pay any attention to the briefing or debriefing but I understand we completed our objective which is a good end to a day in my book.

Came back to the Keep and found some little rude bastard recruit. Walker was very eager to test him, might have been the offer of points towards the Ultimate Competition or something that made him so desperate to question the little sod but I won't complain.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

13th day of the 10th month

I'm not too keen on people utilising Militia resources to further their personal aims, especially when it involves me trudging around following only the whingiest patrol leader in history - Katrine Astendar.
It would seem the 'Lost Lands' (and as well they should be bloody 'Lost') are littered with caves possessing the most unnervingly orifice-like entrances.
Every cave we passed through reminded me of the horrors of very demanding women in my youth. The similarities were endless, from the vicious fire-breathing beasts down to the oddly oceanic aroma.

Matters were not assisted by my desperate need to empty my bladder. I usually remember to go before a patrol but I wasn't quite prepared for the three decades we spent out in the field and needed to stop along the way.
Tanya tried to complete one of the Competition Tasks by offering to do 'anything' for payment.
Not quite sure why I'd pay for things I'm accustomed to getting for free, nor am I too overly keen on receiving services whilst on patrol, especially with that queer, Trahaearn practically gawping at my crotch any chance he gets.

http://aycu33.webshots.com/image/31032/2002086610877389212_rs.jpg


Somehow we found our way into a bunch of caves in search of Katrine's friends. These friends of hers seemed to have it in for us, as well as being both dead and pale green. They were pretty easily dealt with, however I was amazed by the fact that they left their journals in rather convenient locations for us to find. I was also puzzled by their ridiculous waste of paper.
They'd write a couple of pages in their diaries, throw the book away and begin a fresh journal the day after. Imagine if I did that? I dare say I'd have some sort of tree restraining order on me by now. Much like anything with a pulse does on Swayne, I imagine.

Turned out all Kat's friends were dead. Good riddance to the bastards. Next time maybe don't descend into an obviously evil-infested cave to dig up treasures. Oh wait, there won't be a 'next time' will there? Idiots.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

14th day of the 10th month

So the 'Ultimate Duo Competition' ends tonight at midnight and what a dramatic conclusion it shall be.
I suppose I'll be giving away stupid amounts of points at the Last Man Standing this evening, provided I can rouse myself from this chair after the battering I received at the hands of the residents of Karnaugh last night.
That said, Tanya's had me building walls and fences all fricking day for some bizarre reason, apparently I challenged the Militia to design defences against some fictional Vesperian crows. Gullible idiots. Tanya was bored though and conscripted me into service because apparently a Captain of the Militia has endless free time in which he can build pointless defensive structures.
I mean I may slightly exaggerate how much paperwork I actually do have to anyone who asks and most of my time is in fact spent trying to perfect my accuracy at throwing paper balls at the waste basket in the corner of my office but I find the notion that I sit up in my office all day flirting with any female visitors, getting drunk and doodling on people's reports rather offensive.
Hell, she even asked if I'd sit behind the wall all day and jump out to scare the fictional crows. I diplomatically declined.

Anyway - I hadn't intended to ramble. Last night we ventured into the 'Pass of Karnaugh' which turned out to be a tactical error on Rookie Besieger Tripps' part. We were doing alright until he decided to try and hold a stairwell and found ourselves overwhelmed by the residents of the gigantic stone citadel.
After picking myself up and crawling outside I realised I'd left half of my gear within the interior. A little too conveniently I noticed 'Munch' had followed me into the pass. Poor little bugger. I hauled him inside and we went in search of my stuff. We were so close as well but unfortunately a low-hanging piece of stonework 'shifted' me from his back and I fell onto the ground. I suppose I should be glad that I didn't receive any major injuries from said fall but I'm rather annoyed at the fact that some beast of the Undead decided to munch 'Munch'.

http://aycu39.webshots.com/image/30638/2004490861853838832_rs.jpg


After endless attempts of finding my gear and constantly losing more and more of it, I escaped from Karnaugh. I noticed the two Besiegers laying on the ground looking rather helpless. Since they'd pretty much abandoned me to the horrors of Karnaugh I (not without a moral conflict I should probably add) stepped over their fallen selves and ventured home.
It appears they escaped with their health intact, so I slept rather soundly last night, once I finally managed to get some peace and quiet after attending to my 'marital duties' and dealing with Annie after she had a nightmare and decided she'd sleep in our bed, alongside Ben who just came along for fun.
Francis wet the bed but I'm not allowed to tell anyone as it's 'man's business' or something. Although I'm not sure he'd want to tell any of his friends next time he pisses himself.
Lily bribed me into a round of story telling and eventually went to sleep, bribed by the prospect of coming to work with me, which I cunningly escaped this morning.

Ah - Look at that... I've rambled again and I don't even remember what about.
Last Man Standing tonight, I suppose I better actually plan something.
Nah.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

15th day of the 10th month

Well - that was exhausting.
The Pub Quiz seemed to be a bit of a hit, despite rumblings from certain Veterans over our clientele. I wasn't exactly over the moon at the sorts of people I was seeing at our tables but eh, there wasn't a seat spare in the house and there were a lot of seats. I consider that a success.

Anyway, I don't have the energy to describe what happened tonight, needless to say my coin purse feels substantially lighter and it wasn't even my purse that the gold came out of.

http://aycu24.webshots.com/image/32103/2001426645291039101_rs.jpg


Ordered a lovely 'Meat Feast' Pizza yesterday. Egrad promptly delivered it whilst I was chatting to some mysterious lass who randomly entered my office. I didn't even get to tuck in before Tanya hauled it downstairs and threw it on the floor. Apparently I wasn't allowed 'a snack' and that I should've known she was cooking. I was all ready to put my foot down and eat it anyway but the guilt forced me to put it in the bin. I feel so dirty right now, throwing away a gloriously succulent pizza.
Anyway, dinner wasn't terrible I suppose. Made up for the lack of pizza.. sort of.

Walker won the Last Man Standing later on, breaking the run of Footmen. I was quite disappointed really, I'd hoped someone unusual would win but it seems we're back to the usual suspects winning each week, joy of joys.

Had some strange 'Governor' from some far away place visiting though, which put everyone on edge. Supposedly a few others from there are visiting this week.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

16th day of the 10th month

So...
The Public Quiz was a success.
All the Militia Quiz teams performed... abysmally in comparison to the team apparently from Trinsic.
Walker's team didn't even hand their answer sheet in, bunch of idiots. However, I reckon Tanya read the answers before I held the Quiz, despite none of her team speaking Britannian, they managed to sneak second place.
I'm not really sure on the overall results. Laura the 'Temporary' Manageress of the Deer offered her marking services in exchange for appearing important. Although the old bag probably couldn't even read the answers. It seemed to me that she was merely putting random 'ticks' and 'crosses' next to each individual answer.
Either way, numerous brightly coloured individuals showed up from Britain. Although their choice of attire left me speechless at times, I suppose them turning up was a great indication of just how far and wide our advertisements had reached and hopefully a few recruits will trickle in over the coming days.

http://img141.imageshack.us/img141/1760/pubquizgp1.jpg


I was very impressed by the fact that despite ordering over forty stools to be made, we had to go in search of more to have enough seating for everyone. I don't expect us to get as many 'One-day Guardsmen' tonight as we did Quiz contestants but hopefully a respectable turnout is in the offing. That said I'm glad I can return to my usual 'work persona'. Being so sickeningly nice and polite last night left me feeling 'odd'. Hopefully I won't have to pretend to be so delightful for a good few more days.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

17th day of the 10th month

Now I remember why I hate Trainees.
Lazy little bastards.
I thought the current crop of Guardsmen were bad but compared to the volunteers we had on hand yesterday they're practically productive.

Had a few decent ones although I dare say a couple of those attending had previous experience in the military. A few of them knew a few too many orders and tactics to be complete novices.
Anyway, a lot of these little bastard volunteers showed up and they all looked adorable running around killing Orcs and gathering gold.
One of them even got very into the spirit of things when he torched an Orc hut. Bless his little heart.

http://aycu05.webshots.com/image/30524/2002403534956568949_rs.jpg

Just had Vance's Games Night, took hours for the fog to clear outside. Not sure how he'd have run it if it hadn't cleared. He had to postpone it as it was.
Ah well - just a short entry tonight as I'm exhausted.
Think I just gravely offended Tanya but eh, she deserved it. She was trying to be funny at my expense. Silly cow.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

18th day of the 10th month

Games eh? Seemed like some sort of weird sheep orientated fetish to me.
Vance had us running around leading sheep about and putting them in pens last night and I think I've realised I have a hidden talent for shepherding. Or not.
If I ever see another sheep again it'll be too soon. However, I was quite proud of my scare-wolf. Not only would it have obviously succeeded in scaring off any would-be sheep eaters but it would've cut them to pieces and mashed their skulls if they tried anything. Which I think should be the ultimate aim of any security measure.

http://aycu10.webshots.com/image/30849/2005487448373177911_rs.jpg


After that we had to build some sort of "scary thing" to frighten people away from the Crypts.
My team wasn't exactly inspiring in its creativity or productivity. So I disappeared off to find a few items to help build at least something.
I drew (quite well I thought) a portrait of what a nightmare might depict Foxe as looking when naked then surrounded it by the word 'Boo'.
Not really the most conventional method of scaring people away but it works for Foxe terrifying the opposite sex, so why not visitors to the Crypts?

Ah well...

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

19th day of the 10th month

So... Walker failed to rig the Grand Tournament to ensure that a Yewman won through. Instead the final round was decided between a Covian and a Vesperian.
Had it not been for the satisfaction of watching the two of them beat the living piss out of one another, I think I might have shed a tear.
Our anniversary celebration tournament won by a foreigner? Shameful.

http://aycu26.webshots.com/image/32025/2002187115065888407_rs.jpg


I'm actually stunned into silence by such a result.
Ah well - Walsh's Play is in a little while and I just found out I'm playing 'Meran Llew'. Time to put that acting genius of mine to great use.

Now all I need to do is find a script!

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

20th day of the 10th month

Just got in from the Fancy Dress party, which I found out I'd have to organise with about forty five minutes notice. Fun!
Just about managed it too.
Anyway - I should probably give my account of last night's play whilst I have a chance.

As I said I discovered I was playing Llew only just before the start and had a mad dash for a costume and a script. Although it seemed we were meant to ad-lib our parts anyway, which was just as well as there was no way I was going to say some of the nonsense Walsh's script had me saying.

Some bloke whose name I never managed to catch played Lumberton, with Tanya his 'manservant'. Derwyn was 'Farmer 1' as well as the Barmaid and Walker was 'Farmer 2'.
The play didn't go so badly, our stage directions left a lot to be desired and often resulted in desperate calls from backstage for actors to walk off but that's what happens when you hire amateurs I suppose.

http://aycu35.webshots.com/image/30234/2002579186546988757_rs.jpg


After the play there was the advertised 'Free Stage' which saw some of the worst jokes I've ever had the displeasure of witnessing.
The storytellings weren't much better but for some odd reason Walsh decided that an Elf was worthy of the top prize.
I think we're all agreed that Walsh has been corrupted by the Guardian. Willingly giving an Elf a prize. Now I could understand if said prize had all been a ruse and the prize was in fact a roasting but no...

Anyway, time to tear off this leather and go to bed.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

21st day of the 10th month

So it's all over but I'm so behind on paperwork that I haven't even managed to update this journal.
Last night was the Fancy Dress party and I was informed barely three quarters of an hour before it was to begin that Madsen couldn't attend.
So there I was scrambling around on the field putting up curtains and setting out tables.
An impossible task to be sure but by some bizarre fluke I managed it, well with the assistance of a few able-bodied men and women.

The costumes were a little odd I have to say, especially my own. Tanya picked out some blue leather outfit of some lowly thief. 'Creed' or something. I don't know who he was, clearly not someone famous enough to warrant me wearing his get-up but regardless I was forced to wear the ridiculously tight armour and watch as my genitalia was pressed and confined in ways I'd never wanted to dream of. Tanya dressed up as Creed's wife or something, whoever she was.

http://aycu05.webshots.com/image/29964/2002815584466439995_rs.jpg


Some girl came in a ninja outfit and tried to demonstrate her 'special moves'.
Said special moves rendered me almost crying in pain on the floor as she hoofed me in my leather-contained genitalia after stabbing me in the eye with her finger.
Apparently it was 'an accident'.
Bollocks to that.

Daelia won First Prize in the Costume Competition for looking remarkably like a hairy Amazon and Young bashed his way through a piñata box to a prize.

All in all, everyone was friendly. Even the Trinsicans which amazed me, I didn't think Trinsicans could manage 'friendliness' when communicating with us peasants.
Anyway - I'll catch up with this paperwork and discuss the Market and Ceremony tomorrow.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

22nd day of the 10th month

So - The Market!
I didn't buy anything, nothing at all, not a frigging bean.
Tanya on the other hand made up for my complete lack of spending by purchasing some ridiculously priced set of diamond jewellery.

Doesn't bother me I suppose. The money has to go somewhere and the children seem more entertained by beating each other up lately than demanding any toys and it's not like I have any excessively expensive habits.

The Corporals and Madsen managed to kill or at least seriously injure some trader. Apparently they stole one of his items for sale and then hit him over the head with it.
That's the future of Command. Better disband now methinks.

Had a bit of duelling in the arena, which involved Crossarms, Walker, Vance and some Britannian Guard beating each other repeatedly. Some Duchy Guardsman got involved too but almost died and so decided (wisely) to stay out of the way.
I had advertised a 'Market Day Championship' but there were so few willing combatants that I just resorted to setting all the fighters against one another for my own amusement, then gave them no reward at the end.
Cunning eh?

http://aycu38.webshots.com/image/30397/2004258181864069184_rs.jpg

The "Closing Ceremony" followed after all that nonsense, in which all the attending guardsmen received an 'Anniversary Ribbon'.
Bits of scrap cloth I found in Tanya's sewing box. Wasn't much of a ceremony more an excuse to get people in a line and look impressive. Which everyone cocked up by forgetting their orders.

Then a "Last Man Standing" concluded the ceremony with the Besiegers dominating and Fraser eventually winning over Tripps, how typical!

Apparently there's rumblings in Magincia, so I plan to investigate those as soon as I can find some decent men.
Better knock that idea on the head.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

24th day of the 10th month

It's been a couple of weeks since I found myself entrenched within the Pass of Karnaugh and I wasn't particularly looking forward to heading back but I noticed that the painting from Jessica that I always carry around had gone missing since our last excursion to that part of Ilshenar and I wanted it back.
We'll ignore the fact that I came home yesterday evening to find that Tanya had pilfered it a couple of weeks ago and had been getting it framed and that I hadn't lost it at all. So it might be that we lost one of our Trainees in pursuit of something that hadn't been lost to begin with but I'm sure everyone learned something from the experience and I'll be sure not to inform them of that slight oversight.

Young suggested that I just have Jess paint another one.
Fool.
If it was that easy I wouldn't be carrying around a painting by her hand as the only thing I have to remember her by.

Anyway - Seems those Barnes sisters are champions of women's rights. I of course attempted to quash those ideals of equality not because I don't like women or anything but all the lads are misogynistic bastards, I don't want to come across as a big ponce in front of them do I? Bladius Dart “Conquistador of Womankind” can't be seen to be on their side. Can be seen to be behind them of course but that's a different matter, as long as it's not by the Church or the wife. Not that I would or anything, me being the bastion of fidelity that I am.

http://aycu22.webshots.com/image/31821/2001534998952155468_rs.jpg



Must stop going off on tangents. I’m supposed to be writing my account of this patrol. Well it wasn’t much of a patrol, we made it upstairs in the Citadel inside the Pass of Karnaugh and then that’s when everything went down the pan.
I remember at one point Walker, Tripps, Wilkes and myself were fighting five liches, two dread spiders and lord knows what else on our own whilst everyone else crawled away. Somehow I escaped that first engagement and hauled the Besiegers back to their feet, dragged them back in to recover anything they were missing then held the entrance to the building.
Again we were attacked en-masse by everything inside but we held firm with my amazing strategic prowess the deciding factor.

Eventually got attacked by some golden swirling poison tornado… thing.
I lured it away from the others, dropping one of my handy flashbombs on the ground, only for the bloody thing to ignore the blast (evidently poison elementals don’t have eyes to be blinded or ears to be deafened.)
Eventually we re-grouped and took the bastard thing down, which wasn’t actually that difficult when it wasn’t flanked by numerous undead beasts.

Returned home after that, grudgingly. I still wanted the painting but decided I’d need more men to accomplish it and I dare say Jess wouldn’t have wanted me getting everyone killed for something she drew.
When we got home I decided to conduct a kit inspection.
Or at least that’s what I said, just to see the expressions on people’s faces.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

25th day of the 10th month

Well then, what can I say?
If ever there was a Champion of "Cloth Bolt" games - it is I.
Despite the teams being rather ridiculously unfair at times, I crushed the opposition with three straight victories. My unique blend of tactics, flair and incredible skill won the day against supposedly superior opposition.

Even though I ended up paired with Joseph "Ah Am Not Handicapped" Fern, the other teams never stood a chance. Hell, I could have won all three rounds on my own but I allowed my unworthy team mates their share of glory.
Tanya tried to claim in the third round that it was 'Rookie Waywatcher Dart's Team' who had conquered the opposition as opposed to 'Captain Dart's'. Knowing that it wasn't worth starting a domestic dispute in Stonekeep, I decided to allow Tanya to call our group 'Team Dart and friends', despite it being pretty much me who had done all the work whilst the other three ran around causing distractions.

http://aycu24.webshots.com/image/30023/2002939847752529259_rs.jpg


After all that nonsense I somehow ended up in the Bowyers shooting arrows at the archery buttes.
Tanya managed a score of 99 in a total of 10 shots which was close to my lofty target of 100 for her.
Unfortunately the highest I managed was 660 in 10 which was a bit of a bugger but never mind.

Anyway - I better go out and get on with taking the men to Magincia to investigate the disturbances there.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

26th day of the 10th month

So our investigations into the disturbances in Magincia turned up some interesting information.
I can't really remember for the life of me what said interesting information actually was but I'm sure I have it written down somewhere...

Aha - Yes!
Apparently all life on the island apart from some strange civilians has died out. Wildlife (not including plant life) has not been sighted for a few days and the locals are at a loss as to how this could be.
The moongate appears to be 'buggered'.
I think that term pretty accurately describes the issues we discovered with it.
After stepping through I found myself back in Trinsic and was forced to walk all the way back to the docks to get another long-winded ferry back to Magincia! The bloody effort that entailed was really not worth the prize of Young being trapped in a parallel universe after he followed me in.

Once I returned we had a nice delightful conversation with some snowmen who wore red cloaks and rode strange mounts. Then had the Besiegers bomb the gate into submission.
As explosives always seem to do the trick, we were a little confused by the apparently minimal effect they were having against the moongate. After the 45th barrage I had them stop throwing.
Instead I decided to use a flashbomb to cause a 'temporal rift'. I don't know what one of those is, or if it could even happen but that's what I was aiming to do and I'm not sure if we succeeded. Maybe I should research what one actually entails and see if we were successful.

The most obvious effect I could tell from the flashbomb was the deafness and blindness that accompanied the blast. I could no longer see the moongate, so during myliterally senseless blundering I decided that the portal was no more.

http://aycu28.webshots.com/image/32987/2002946090197024563_rs.jpg


After that we took the long trip back to Trinsic and then 'utilised' their archery buttes.
They have nice buttes in Trinsic, much nicer buttes than in Yew. However I think the Besiegers might have annihilated the Trinsic buttes (bad idea of mine to say they could use bombs in an archery contest), so perhaps we'll avoid using them again.
The idea of the contest wasn't particularly based on archery skill more how accurate people could be with their predictions of their scores. Much like the Captain of the Duchy Guard's contest was. I had intended to take them to said contest but apparently it was the night before, despite being advertised for yesterday evening. After being thoroughly confused I carried on.

Vance won the competition and his prize was one of his crossbow bolts returned to him. I'm sure he was very grateful for such a wonderful prize.

Anyway - I suppose I better keep an eye out for anymore Magincia happenings. I have a strange feeling about it all.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

27th day of the 10th month

So I have my first day off in forever tonight.
Rather sad that I'm dreading not having something to do and having to 'relax'.
Oh well - perhaps not having to run around like a madman and shout myself hoarse for a day will be exactly what I need.
Or more likely I'll be anxious to get back into the thick of it.

Last night I took a few of the lads and lasses to Trinsic for the 'Trinsic Fayre'.
Ended up stood watching some bizarre version of Bagball, named 'Kaldorian Bagball'. Oddly enough the losing team didn't switch sides when it started getting caned, so I'm not sure what was 'Kaldorian' about the sport, other than the mindless violence.

Wilkes and I somehow found ourselves on the field playing against two people who looked suspiciously like elves in a game of regular bagball.
Trinsican rules are a little odd since we won by being the first to score three 'points'. We were offered 100,000 crowns but I graciously refused the prize as it was 'just bagball'. Wilkes ran away with it instead though. So my grace in victory was apparently all for nothing.

http://aycu36.webshots.com/image/30395/2005578878308434805_rs.jpg


After all that nonsense, I dragged the guards to the Chaos Shrine to kill a Balron.
Pretty simple, no? Well it started out that way, with a few balrons downed easily enough. However the deaths of all his pals seemed to anger a golden balron, as he emerged from the lava and set about chasing us out of the shrine and through the moongate.
I rallied a few more men to the cause and we returned with flashbombs and cunning tactics.
A ridiculously long fight eventually resulted in the slaying of the golden balron, only for one of his lesser fiendish friends to leap from the rockface and attempt to devour our exhausted patrol. However, quick thinking and pinpoint strikes rendered the balron a bloody heap on the ground beside his golden comrade.

So - hammered Trinsic in bagball and took out a golden hell-creature.
Not bad for a night's work.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

28th day of the 10th month

I like the way everyone blames Francis' behaviour on me. Apparently I'm the reason that he butchers Annie's hair. I'm the reason he apparently has four girlfriends. I'm the reason he empties the contents of the Aquarium onto our bed.

I'm hardly soft on the little git. I spend my life telling him off, sending him to his room and disciplining him and then Tanya or Louisa undo all my work by Mummying him and patting him on the head with an "Aww it's alright, it's your Father's fault you're such a naughty little bastard!"
Well alright, it's not 'quite' like that but it's near enough.

Earlier on before the Aquarium incident, he'd been prattling on about wanting to become a guardsman when he's older. Then subtly mentioned having his supposed girlfriend 'Katie' over to stay the night.
He calls her his girlfriend but Annie rather unsubtly informed me that "Katie doesn't like him. She thinks he smells!"

Fair enough.
Turns out Annie had also mentioned that she wished she could be a boy so she could play bagball. So Francis dutifully went about cutting off chunks of her hair so she would look like one.
Now I remember why I spend so much time at work.

http://aycu14.webshots.com/image/32133/2000902920363177603_rs.jpg

So whilst Tanya was dropping the children round Floria's so she could babysit them during a planned evening to ourselves someone decides to turn up at my door. I'm told after informing her that the children aren't there that I should be quiet and let her speak.
So instead of speaking she tries to kiss me which surprisingly I pulled away from.
She then lays it on real thick and I start to feel really guilty for marrying Tanya and/or not realising I'd knocked Lou up twenty years ago.
Previously she said the fact that I always 'try to make everybody happy' means I never get what I want, that I'm spineless. That the only reason I'm with Tanya is because I didn't want to upset her.
She then apologised for saying those sorts of things and said she only said them because being with Tanya meant I wouldn't be with her.
I'm actually rolling my eyes as I write this and can't believe I let myself get suckered in every single time.

So we're stood there for what feels like forever, about an inch between us. Struggling not to submit to the almost overwhelming desire to do things a married man should not be wanting to do to a woman he's not married to.
She says I'm being strong, that she could take her clothes off then and there and I'd reject her.
I can now, without the handicap of temptation and lust say that I would reject her but last night had she done that I'm not sure my decision would have gone the same way.

http://aycu29.webshots.com/image/33188/2000925572617584241_rs.jpg


We end up hugging, the most I would allow myself. At least that way I didn't have to look at her, I could just close my eyes and think of Tanya.
Unfortunately Tanya then walks in, cake in hand from Floria's.
With remarkable calm Tanya asks Louisa if she'd like to stay and share the cake.
Lou makes her excuses and leaves and Tanya acts as if nothing happened. I'm still expecting some sort of remark but nothing arrives and I ask her why. She says that I'm allowed to 'hug friends' and that I don't have to worry because she trusts me. I'm glad somebody does.

Because I certainly don't.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

29th day of the 10th month

Young is a madman.
Floria's been known to build those gigantic recruitment banners in the past but I'm sure not even she is crazy enough to have a bunch of guardsmen build a banner that stretches the entire length of a road.

I repeat - Young is a madman.
I found it quite funny, well I do now... I certainly didn't find it particularly funny whilst I was building the damn thing but I find it funny now that we all put in so much back-breaking labour only for the clouds to erupt over New Haven a short while later and for half of the bloody banner to collapse to the ground in one big sopping wet mess.
Still, it caused a stir with the locals which was what we were going for.

http://img148.imageshack.us/img148/5881/recruitmenttp9.jpg

Lisa Valentine was back on duty for the first time in ages.
It was nice to see her oddly misshapen features again, I've missed the repellent smell she exudes.
No, I lie. Seeing her on duty again made my heart sink and my throat seize up from the stench.

Anyway - yesterday evening I decided instead of just running a bunch of games based around the Last Man Standing premise that I'd go for something completely different!
Yes - I devised an intricate game of clothes grabbing but instead of the usual "Grab as many as you can!" I implemented a cunning points system that saw certain colours worth more than others.
Of course this lead to mad-bashing and running and screaming and great entertainment for me whilst I watched as people maimed each other in pursuit of garishly coloured garments.
I can't really remember who won, nor did it particularly matter in the end.
I'm pretty sure Wilkes won the individual game but I can't for the life of me remember the winners of the team game. It's not like they won anything, I probably promised them some sort of fantastic prize but ultimately they weren't going to get a bean from me.

http://img105.imageshack.us/img105/1650/clothesls3.jpg

Wilkes found his way to the final two of the Last Man Standing also, beating his sinful lover.
I wasn't so sure about that being the climax of the Last Man Standing. Something just doesn't sit right with me about some idiot beating up his girlfriend to win a sacred tournament.
So I threw everyone back in for another round.
Walker and Wilkes were the final two this time with a close battle ending in Walker maiming Wilkes after I had them remove their armour.
Poor Wilkes, I felt so sorry for the fool that I allowed his earlier victory to stand.
I'm getting soft.

http://img512.imageshack.us/img512/1390/lmsvy7.jpg



Anyway, just got in from that Halloween malarky.
Definitely not celebrating that next year and I'm pretty sure Tanya's now terrified of wooden boxes.
More on that tomorrow, goodnight!

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

30th day of the 10th month

Never bring back things you find in the woods.
Especially when they're coffin shaped and it's around the ghoulish period.

I was asked to find festive decorations for the Tavern, so whilst wandering through the woods I stumbled across a coffin.
Now, instinct told me to leave it alone but after lifting it a little it seemed rather light, which was surprising for a coffin, however the lid was mysteriously nailed down tight.
Time was running short so I had a Trainee lug it up to the Tavern where it took centre stage inside.

We were all sat there in our stupid costumes (Tanya had made me go as a Mummy since I refused to go as a Warlock to compliment her Wytch) when a knocking came from inside the coffin. I got the blame of course because that's my kind of lame humour or something but the knocking continued, growing louder before being accompanied by groans, screams and banging.
If it was a practical joke it was pretty great but unfortunately it wasn't.
After what seemed like forever they managed to pry open the lid only to find a number of heads and hands lying side by side.

http://aycu22.webshots.com/image/31021/2005302189662495040_rs.jpg


Ring must've pissed the contents of the coffin as the hands kept jumping out to grab him, even when the lid was still on.

Eventually bombs solved the issue of screaming heads and writhing hands and we headed off to Trinsic where I had a conversation with a rabbit, apparently having drunk more than I thought I had.

Booze + Looking like a Marshmallow Bloke = Bizarre evening

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

31st day of the 10th month

So apparently 'The Yewish Sharpshooter Contest' is just a long-winded name for 'Mugging'.

Despite winning the range round with the highest score and winning the quick-draw round, I somehow finish third because apparently losing in a Last Man Standing where I have six people shooting me simultaneously means I'm an inferior archer to Annwyn and Young. Let's ignore the fact I won two of three rounds.

Now I knew the contest was quite obviously rigged prior to me competing in it but I didn't realise Derwyn suffered from mental inadequacies on such a scale as to ever give Young a reward for being good at anything.
I've vowed to boycott the tournament in any future forms. I wasted hours of my life only to get mugged off at the end result. Certainly not going through that again.

I suppose the one good thing to come from last night was to finally shut Tanya up about that stupid bet we made.
She finished last and while I'm not going to rub it in her face, I gave her every opportunity from swapping bows with her, to pleading her case to Derwyn after an erroneous call during our shootout in the quick-draw round.
I just need to think of some form of punishment for her losing the bet.

http://aycu16.webshots.com/image/30415/2000037769627567132_rs.jpg


Seems Magincia is under attack, that's what all the nonsense was about eh? Demons!
We tried to investigate the badlands facet last night but were pushed back during a street fight with some gigantic beast in the streets. This bloke was setting fire to the docks so I figured we'd make a getaway before we were left stranded. Ended up back in Trammel, attempting to carve our way through the streets of Magincia. Succeeded and all as we pretty much single-handedly took down some monstrously large, angry demon.
A bunch of taints and Duchy Guard stood around talking to the bloody thing and looking useless whilst we tackled the fiend, then proceeded to the moongate where... nothing at all happened.
Whoever orchestrated said invasion needs to seriously grasp that one demon just isn't going to cut it.

Idiotic demon commanders.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

1st day of the 11th month

Should've known someone would come up for a practical use for that stupid orange fruit eventually. Didn't think it'd involve healthy competition though, however it seems I'm just as good booting a pumpkin around a field as I am with a bagball, if not better.

Wearing random pieces of bone over my limbs and torso doesn't make for the smoothest pumpkinball technique ever but then again, everybody else was in the same boat, compounded by numerous handicaps (Karne's lacking mental capacity, Aldridge's 2000 year old bone structure etcetera etcetera.)

http://aycu13.webshots.com/image/31972/2006171083115717665_rs.jpg


Won the first match 8-1 over the dastardly Necromancers but then got screwed out of the final game despite winning the whole way through then being told that the next goal would win it, scoring the next two goals only for Cade to again to change the rules and make us go for a third, Karne picks up the ball before she even says 'Go' and is half-way down the pitch before we can get to him. So I bashed both him and Young in the face, then Fraser (who was perhaps on my team) for good measure.

When I got home, a bunch of children dressed up in horrific costumes awaited me for 'Trick or Treating'.
Joy.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

2nd day of the 11th month

Yesterday evening Walker had us all running around fetching him numerous things all under the pretense that it was for some competition.

Incase he wasn't fat enough already, Sineal asked us all to fetch him pies and brandy, as well as gems to add to his already substantial gem collection and Bobas for him to lose on ill-advised endeavours.
He even had us write reports on our quests to gather his items.
Apparently though Wilkes has been pimping Cade out to gain favour with Walker as he let them win, this bias was probably boosted by the fact Vance was part of the team as well. I dare say Walker didn't dare risk incurring the wrath of his pal who might refuse to put-out should his team lose.

http://aycu24.webshots.com/image/31503/2001166224128392459_rs.jpg


Anyway, our team didn't do so badly especially since Walsh just sodded the hell off immediately after we were sent out to gather the items.
Stole all the pies from the Tavern and will have Walsh invoiced for all the gems I bought for Walker. Payback for deserting the team I say.

Kinda mugged Cade of two of her Bobas too but she deserved to lose them. Should take better care of them if she doesn't want them being confiscated. I was merely doing my bit for Animal Rights.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

3rd day of the 11th month

So "New Yew the Second" failed barely a few moments into its founding.
The self-indulgent and self-serving fools that make up the Guardsmen Militia began to corrupt the beauty that is the vision of New Yew with their bickering over who held greater authority.
What few realised was that it mattered little who held authority if there was nothing to hold authority over. The bickering began before we had even finished marking out our borders, let alone begun building our first city.

What's sad is Walker probably cried himself to sleep over a second abandonment of New Yew. Still, the promise of a 'New Yew' led us to Magincia, battling through the streets to find a base-camp from where we could begin a supposed new life.
Maybe a few of the attending guardsmen bought into the idea a little too seriously, some of them need to have their heads examined, preferably with a rock or some other highly technological device.

http://aycu34.webshots.com/image/33313/2003681018220765129_rs.jpg

After much battling, scorching, burning and falling over we established ourselves in the centre of Magincia, ready to take on the World!
Fortunately for the World, we had other immediate concerns, such as the horde of demonic demons battering down our non-existent New Yewish doors.
It was a fierce confrontation, the might of the Guardsmen Militia facing off against the titanic entities known as 'Dark Fathers' (Shadowy Dads as I like to call them.) 'Berserker Demons' and hordes of Undead.

http://aycu07.webshots.com/image/31646/2003622810554984766_rs.jpg


In the end we won. Crushed the vile enemy and saved the city of Magincia.
Then we went home.
Apparently the idiots we left in control of Magincia (Taintlings and Duchy Guard) were unable to look after it and it's since fallen yet again to the beasts but eh... we did our part. Can't say fairer than that.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

4th day of the 11th month

I can't even be bothered.
I don't have the energy for some deeply analytical social commentary.
Hell, I can barely muster the desire to write these few select sentences.

Yesterday, I had the men bash each other a bit before the Waywatcher Corporal returned with a report of the monster we were tracking.
'The Harrower'.
I've killed a lot of foul bastards in my time but I've never killed one of those.
Until now.

http://aycu32.webshots.com/image/33431/2004939500455757709_rs.jpg

Then after we'd killed one, then gotten almost killed by a second, we came home.
Did a little paperwork then got attacked by Tanya.
I didn't want to hurt her, she's pregnant after all but there's only so many times you can get hit with practice bolts before you shoot back.

Ended up on Stormberg's Rookie patrol too, which consisted of me losing three years of my life to wandering around some random stone structure in search of an elusive golden lich lord.
A golden lich lord we found as soon as we left and went somewhere else.

Ejit. Walked in the door and was accosted by children moaning about one another. Tanya went off to cook, I played meditator. Almost went back to work. Didn't.
Regretted it.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

5th day of the 11th month

This sudden increase in female recruits is beginning to concern me. It's as if there's now a serious lack of male potentials out there. Now, I don't have an issue with young ladies wandering around in tight fitting uniforms but when they start to win Last Man Standings then there's something wrong.
Especially when Besiegers are fighting against them.

Last night Cordelia Cade won the weekly Last Man Standing, that much in itself isn't so disturbing until you consider that this is Cordelia.
I know - it's hard to believe.

http://aycu12.webshots.com/image/31371/2001665427652583140_rs.jpg


I'm pretty sure she only won because of Lanoor and her illegally teaming up in the corner of the room but the fact they got through to the final two is something that shouldn't be ignored.
I suppose the beauty of the Last Man Standing is that anyone can win it should they apply the right tactics. The unpredictability factor is what makes it such a winner but it shouldn't be so 'unpredictable' as to allow just anyone to win.
If the women are going to keep winning things like this and outdoing the men then things are going to get out of hand. Tanya already spends her life competing with me at everything, from archery competitions to darts. I occasionally let her win because I love her but sometimes you just have to put your foot down and trounce them.

Hopefully a man will win next week, or they'll cotton onto a pattern emerging. Then only the Higher Being will be able to save us.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

6th day of the 11th month

So Bingo was completely rigged last night but I managed to contain my absolute disgust with the blatant cheating, this was all after the Church had tried to get Tanya to flog Criofan (that child who's always hanging around the Keep.)
Tanya was never going to do it so I attempted to intervene and managed to convince the Churchman to do it himself. I'm not sure I did anybody any favours though, Tanya would have hated herself for doing it but it likely wouldn't have hurt half as much for the poor lad but she hates herself anyway now despite me having to give him one of the lashes alongside the Friar.
Bloody women. Whatever this "Sarah-Toning" lark is I don't know but it's having a disastrous effect on her emotions.

http://aycu35.webshots.com/image/34194/2002778772767650235_rs.jpg


Anyway, I can hear her crying from the bath still over a timely reminder this evening. I better go check on her.
Better make a mental note to kick the ever loving piss out of Egrad for even daring to bring it up with her.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

7th day of the 11th month

So apparently Stormberg's been really endearing himself to people.
Especially me. Good job on picking on my pregnant wife about something beyond her control, cretin.

Anyway, not going to waste my time talking about your bog-standard muscle-bound six foot something Besieger recruit who turns into an imbecile the moment the Besiegers acknowledge them. Especially when I'd rather release my anger on him in person rather than into this stupid log.

Tanya's pretty cut-up about this whole ordeal with Criofan though. She's banned the children from going to Stonekeep (about time!) and bursts into tears at random intervals. I'm not sure whether it's do with the child or because of the bun in the oven or a bit of both.
Either way - domestic life is 'fun' right now.

http://aycu16.webshots.com/image/32175/2002831024488490524_rs.jpg


Had so much paperwork yesterday that I barely set foot outside the office, when I did I stumbled across the joyous experience that is someone casually running a game that looks suspiciously like 'Scorpions and Ladders'. Even using the same rules. Funny since I believe Floria had part three to that ongoing saga scheduled for tomorrow.

Also had some random bloke wanting to get work in the Militia as a tinker or something. Convinced him that he'd need to pay some ridiculous sum of gold to gain a trade license, an apprenticeship and all the appropriate administration fees. Wonder if he ever bothered to pay up.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

8th day of the 11th month

It's amazing what difference swapping a Trainee can make to an outcome of a few battle trainings.
I'd spent so long on my daft team which consisted of a Trainee, a Besieger and a First Markie, getting pasted by the opposing team.
I wouldn't have thought we'd do so badly but Derwyn's battle strategy seemed to involve standing still and trying to repel fire from the three archers on the opposing team.
More often than not it degenerated into me facing the other team alone.
Eventually Walsh cottoned onto the teams being vaguely imbalanced and switched our Trainees around.

We never lost after that. Not sure it was down to the Trainee or the fact I was so riled by the losing streak that I was probably hitting people a little harder than is usually warranted in training.

http://aycu08.webshots.com/image/35087/2000838752913081288_rs.jpg


Whilst I was attempting to promote Trainee Dorian, Stormberg approached and asked what I wanted to see him about as I was apparently looking for him.


I hadn't been but since he had presented himself before me, I delicately suggested that he ought not to offend my wife in future and should he persist in harrassing her I made it clear there would be consequences.

I think we understood one another.


- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

9th day of the 11th month

My boots are still flipping soaked inside.
I have work to do in a few minutes and my feet feel like they're twins.

Seems the Militia's a little out of shape, everybody was running around last night during Walker's fitness training like they'd orbited Sineal five times.
Wilkes kept getting in my way during laps of the Keep, so much so that on one occasion he tripped over me and fell on the ground. Of course that might also have had something to do with the bolt that I fired through his leg.

http://aycu33.webshots.com/image/33872/2004241551153677618_rs.jpg


Ended up having a swim in the river in sash, kilt and boots. Tanya remembered to take hers off before she leapt in but I have enough trouble getting my stupid clown feet into my boots when they're dry, without doing it when they're sopping wet.

Anyway! Work.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

10th day of the 11th month

I'm not sure which I'm more concerned about, the fact that there's demons roaming around a Sosarian city, or that the Duchy Guard are there spreading their message of peace, love and submission to all.

We set out to Magincia with the aim of reaching the moongate. I wasn't stupid enough to think we could salvage the city, let's face it the war's hardly progressing well out there and with what few men I had at my disposal we weren't going to make much more than a dent in their numbers.
Once the men stopped leaping into towering infernos we started to get somewhere. However, the soldiers stationed at the docks weren't quite up on who was friend or foe, firing a cannon (presumably at the Shadowy Dad) lumbering after me through the streets. I thought if I could get it within range of the cannons I'd stand a chance of losing it. I wasn't quite expecting to almost have my own head taken off by ensuing barrage.
Idiots. Trained by Trinsic no doubt.

http://aycu19.webshots.com/image/32978/2005145635536379791_rs.jpg


Made our way to the moongate eventually, then left almost as quickly as we arrived. Didn't quite fancy our chances against the incoming enemies.
Then after a quick scour around the remainder of the town we found ourselves back at the Duchy's base complete with white flag as per usual.
Apparently they'd been mouthing off about Yew but shut up as soon as the rest of us arrived, opting to go patrol the safer streets.
Returned to the Docks only to have a bunch of lepers launch a volley of abuse at us 'The Rubbish Militia'. A quick reminder that it was them who were missing limbs, genitalia and all sorts set them straight and we returned home.

Think I need to replace my armour though, it looks like I didn't escape the cannon fire quite as much as I had thought. That coupled with a few thousand demons punching, kicking and flinging fireballs means my uniform looks like... well... a blacksmith's nightmare.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

11th day of the 11th month

Never seen one of those 'leviathan' beasties before and having been told that it would make Magincia look like a picnic I was eagerly anticipating a confrontation with the creature.

I was more than just disappointed. I was massively let down, I'd expected it to be the sort of sea-beast I could easily see crushing a frigate or destroying an entire coastal town in search of a snack.
What I wasn't expecting was something that made an Orc Brute look intimidating.

Walsh kept taking one man or woman off with her to lure the beast back to the docks, hoping to entice it back to our bows. Was an interesting tactic and one that wasn't all that successful, when you consider that Walsh (bless her heart) isn't exactly familiar with seamanship. Perhaps she should get some lessons from Swayne, she knows all about seamen.

http://aycu01.webshots.com/image/33480/2003509355895480200_rs.jpg


Some "Insult Tournament" is taking place tonight so I'll be watching that with great interest. I doubt anyone will really astound me with their wit and verbal prowess but you never know.

Oh and Tanya's finally agreed to be signed off duty until after the baby's born. About time in my view, now I'm semi-free to act as I like at work without fear of being scolded for 'nastiness' later on at home.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's Log

12th day of the 11th month

Yesterday Vance held an 'Insult Tournament'. I decided to enter as a gesture of goodwill.
Vance pitched me against Egrad, which was never going to go particularly well since Stormbore has the wit of a stone table. Next I found myself up against Ffion. I don't even remember any of her insults. I know she threw a couple at me but evidently they made such an impression upon me that I draw a blank when I try to recall them.

I met Sineal in the final. I had hoped for something of a challenge but it seemed my razor-tipped barbs cut him so deeply that he conceded our verbal duel when it was only just beginning.
After said victory, Tanya convinced me to be disgustingly polite and complimentary to everyone in the Tavern. Somehow I managed to get by without insulting anyone too heavily and even threw a few kind words to the mongbat and then ran the Last Man Standing.
Tanya had prior to the Last Man told me I had to continue to be 'nice'.
I tried... I really did. Tried to the point that everyone was sick of my niceness by the final round and Tanya told me to go back to being myself because it was 'weird'.

http://aycu05.webshots.com/image/32604/2002976676832779294_rs.jpg


I have to say, after all the trials I've faced in my life that was probably up there amongst the biggest of them.

Oh... and I promoted Vance to Sergeant. Nothing particularly newsworthy there.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

13th day of the 11th month

Never ceases to amaze me how a good fight can turn a mediocre/crap night into a decent one. Take last night for instance:

Granted, I wasn't exactly feeling too rosy after the brawl, having been hit with any number of objects in the head to the point that I felt rather similar to the other day when I charged down some cannon fire.

http://aycu01.webshots.com/image/35040/2004433275529859755_rs.jpg

I had tried to serve drinks at the bar in the absence of any tavern staff but I soon grew bored of my new position and after hearing the suggestion of a brawl.
I hit Madsen in the face with a stool.
Ahhh... the satisfaction that can come from such a simple act of violence. Of course as with most things, once was not enough and I found myself chasing Madsen around attempting to brain him.

Made my day to be sure.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

14th day of the 11th month

Walker fancies himself as some sort of battlefield commander it would seem, having the men form Testudo formations and all sorts. Would've been fine if there'd been enough to manage the proper formation. Instead sneaking around to the exposed flank was a little too easy, in fact releasing a volley of bolts and arrows into said exposed flank was only a little more complicated.
But it was nice to see the formation in use, even if there's little call for it these days.

http://aycu17.webshots.com/image/35696/2001520217120547284_rs.jpg

Having been sat slaving my way through paperwork, I wandered down to the Keep to see what all the commotion was about. Apparently a ton of guardsmen were in the Keep, beating the tar out of one another, with a few Covians thrown in for good measure.

Good to see so many people on duty, I'll have more of a selection of victims for verbal abuse.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

15th day of the 11th month

So after hearing a racket outside my office window, I trudged down the stairs to find out what the hell was going on.
Walked out to find a bunch of brightly coloured pansies running about trying to kill the Baron.
Whilst it may have been fun to watch I decided to join the action. It spilled out across Yew and ended up around the town centre, with these no-good imbeciles running off to hide the moment they found themselves on the back foot.
Put a bolt through one's skull though. He kept trying to flee but eventually I caught him on a straight, with nowhere for him to run it was pretty damn obvious what was going to happen.
Chased another one halfway across Yew, then returned to Stonekeep.
Not sure who these people were but apparently they took a couple of people prisoner, no-one important by the sounds of things, which was a relief to my paperwork hand.

http://aycu13.webshots.com/image/33292/2004661810930829705_rs.jpg


Ended up in the 'Lost Lands' (Why are they called that anyway? Not so much "Lost" as they are pushed to one side and deliberately ignored, "Disowned Lands" perhaps?) jumping down some sink hole to fight snot elementals or something. Not sure why we were there or why the prospect of battling towering sludge-monsters was so appealing to everyone but I tried to make the most of a bad situation, even found myself in a heart formation, which left me feeling a little too feminine.
Did get to fight my favourite demon though - 'a Moloch'. Those things make me laugh, how can you take something so hugely obese and blue seriously?

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

16th day of the 11th month

Ahhh.. Magincia.
How screwed can one city get?
I know Trinsic is up there amongst the best of them but Magincia has to be edging it. Demons may run around the "City of Honour" pretty damn freely but as far as I know they haven't had to call in the Britannian Army to deal with them just yet.

http://aycu25.webshots.com/image/35944/2003222086810768274_rs.jpg


Stormberg had us all ambling around the island like complete pillocks, getting set ablaze and randomly hit by big red blokes.
Pretty much the same as every other Magincian liberation attempt, however this time the Trinsicans had the nerve to abuse us on our way home.
Apparently operating a 'Healing Station' and giving bandages and supplies to taintlings is braver than actually fighting? Again apparently standing around in enchanted purple armour and not fighting is more valorous than leaping into action with only a lump of iron protecting you.

I'll never repeat this to Tanya but I just wish that one day one of those demons who runs around Trinsic would just... 'flip-out' and blow the place up.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

17th day of the 11th month

I knew Wilkes wanting to be on my team would result in a loss. Obviously Cade didn't want to appear biased, so put us in last place despite the most effort going into our fort.
Either that or Cade's thick.
Probably thick. 'No wai?' 'Yes wai!'

http://aycu19.webshots.com/image/34138/2003599700501569553_rs.jpg


Instead of looking at the fact that we had a gigantic fort, Cade merely glanced at our 'Awesome Deathzone' (complete with intruder defences) struck it off and went onto your typical "Hide under a mound of leather" ambush forts.
Those of course ranked higher than ours.

Planks. Some Jousting Tournament tonight, I don't think I'll take part in it but I'll watch. Always good to see some imbecile fall off and break something.
Fancy charging at people with a big stick from horseback, like hell that's going to end positively.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

18th day of the 11th month

According to reports on my desk there have been more raids by those bloody rebels but nothing to cease the daily activities in Yew. I think these rebels are fooling themselves into believing they're having more of an impact than they actually are. Then again what can you expect from people who can barely manage a sentence in Britannian? Stupid Celtic peasants.

Yesterday Margera ran a Jousting Tournament but seeing the same people ride at one another with a big pointy stick over and over and over and over gave me cause to spend more time chatting to Tanya and stare out into the town than pay any attention to what occurred. I don't even know who won, I assume Baron Edmund did but that's just a wild guess based upon him being more cheerful than most at the conclusion.
The only things I really noticed were Walker losing constantly and Wilkes falling off and talking to his horse. Bizarre.

http://aycu30.webshots.com/image/35589/2004813764019707835_rs.jpg


Plenty of trivial domestic issues awaited us when we arrived home but I can't be bothered to waste my time writing about those.
Just ran the Last Man Standing with the winner being the same as it always is but more on that tomorrow.
Now I'm going to go home and sleep. If I can but I dare say I'll end up reading stories or solving some sort of dispute involving water and hair-pulling.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

19th day of the 11th month

I need to think of something drastic for the Last Man Standing that'll result in Walker not winning for a change.
Something subtle enough to be unnoticed but damning enough to make it impossible for him to win. If we'd ever sold tickets to see Last Man Standings, Walker would have completely dried up business with his constant and seemingly never-ending domination of the competition. Sure, you get flukes like Cade, Young, Annwyn etcetera but the only person who ever really seems to challenge regularly is Vance and Walker seems to have his number.

http://aycu36.webshots.com/image/33315/2004603576629978203_rs.jpg


Last night I tried to hold the Last Man Standings in a variety of locations but Walker emerged victorious regardless.
Something must be done. I might see to it that his pre-fight pie is poisoned, nothing fatal just enough to make him need to sneak off to the woods for some strained relief.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

20th day of the 11th month

Bloody pregnant women.
Must be some easier way of getting through the next through months without feeling like I'm tiptoeing through some sort of eggshell minefield on thin ice.
Send Tanya away on 'holiday'? Might work but then I'd have to look after the children on my own, which'd likely end in the complete and utter destruction of Yew.

http://aycu39.webshots.com/image/35118/2001339170133424645_rs.jpg

It's odd, everything tells me not to antagonise the situation but I think I'll go ahead and go bring Bullseye the family dog home anyway.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

21st day of the 11th month

I should really stop 'following through' on ideas I have whilst relieving the call of nature.
Having a stupid fort/arena... thing constructed when I had no real idea as to what I would have occur inside said stupid fort/arena was probably one of my worse ideas. That said most of my ideas are 'bad', it's just the chaotic execution of them that occasionally makes them a success.
Take 'Bagsketball' for example, what the hell was I thinking there? I made up the rules two minutes before we began and only conceived the actual idea about forty minutes prior to running it... but it worked... to some extent.

http://aycu25.webshots.com/image/34624/2004547040818806557_rs.jpg


I can't even be bothered to explain the concepts of 'Battle Arena Arduin' to a journal, after all you're hardly going to ridicule me are you? Hell I could write complete jibberish here and receive no expressions of disbelief - Blah Blah Blah I am a big pink fairy who sails toadstools to the forgotten realm of Boba Island! See? Nothing.

I'll spend the evening watching this journal for any bizarre movements or condescending looks now.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

22nd day of the 11th month

The market yesterday evening was pleasant enough, Tanya went on a shopping spree as usual, buying all the children presents. Francis now has a bow tucked away for him to learn with, which'll be interesting since I came home last night to find him making all sorts of dastardly contraptions out of twigs and such, contraptions concerned primarily with the launching of sharp projectiles at his brother.

http://aycu20.webshots.com/image/35699/2002364931915163983_rs.jpg


Anyway - apparently it's my birthday today, not sure how that one snuck up on me but I'll attempt to push it back under the rug and convince Tanya not to make mention of it to anybody, it's enough that I'm having today off work.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

23rd day of the 11th month

So yesterday was unfortunately the day of the year I try to avoid acknowledging the most.
Floria took the children all day so my 'special day' pretty much consisted of much indulging of Tanya in the bedroom. She'll pretend it was my treat but we both know she just used the excuse to gorge herself at the 'Blad Buffet'.

http://aycu37.webshots.com/image/35516/2000042417294694610_rs.jpg


Francis presented me with a crude looking rock-launcher 'for work', Lily rather sheepishly handed me an empty cookie bag from the bakery because she'd spent so long at Floria's that she 'had' to eat the cookie!
Annie gave me a wonderfully decorated card which is now sat in my office and Ben told me a story he'd made up especially.
I feel so humbled by the generosity and sweetness of my adorable children that I'll avoid scolding them for being currently in the process of killing one another in the next room... for another minute or so.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

24th day of the 11th month

Just got in from something of a showdown with a bunch of Celtic invaders but I'll save my ranting for tomorrow when I've cooled down enough to be 'objective'.

Spent yesterday playing bagball with Francis. I'm not sure where he gets this 'win at all costs' mentality from but it's worrying.
I should probably let him score a few goals but I simply refuse to lose to a four year old, he needs to learn to take losing on the chin. He'll learn from his mistakes and one day when he's older he might score a fluke victory over me... if I let him. In the mean time he should try and learn the rules.

http://aycu07.webshots.com/image/35446/2001192621811973752_rs.jpg


He's getting better, though it was probably for the best that the others didn't come as well, or as soon as Francis started losing black eyes would have been soundly delivered to everyone in attendance. Terrible loser that he is, gets that from his Mother.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

25th day of the 11th month

Bloody eventful... event and Last Man Standing.
Not quite as eventful as yesterday mind.
Bleeding Celts, if ever there was a reason for ethnic cleansing this is it.

We'd been patrolling in search of them when the other patrol led by Corporal Tenne was attacked, once we received word we set off to investigate. Found nothing so returned to the Keep, where a bunch of Footmen were set upon by the cowardly bastards.

Chased one of them all the way to the centre of town where he ran around like an imbecile clearly trying to buy time until his pals could arrive. They did but soon enough they were on the back foot. 3 to 1 odds are apparently unfavourable for the Celts. Although I suppose it makes sense, these are people that think they look impressive after having visited a face-painting stall. Just because you're covered in blue paint and tattoos does not mean I'm going to wet myself, unlike some I still have control over bladder functions. Anyway 3 to 1 odds were unfavourable for the bunch of retards who had an accident while decorating.

http://aycu13.webshots.com/image/36692/2004784097213898265_rs.jpg


For some reason a bunch of Besiegers showed up to ruin the entertainment and tried to join in, sending the Celts scurrying off into whatever rat holes they crawled out of.

Anyway, my head aches from that stupid Rookie Brown hitting me with a plank of wood, so it's bed for me.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

26th day of the 11th month

People in the Militia are getting slower. I don't mean in terms of pace either, more the speed in which they comprehend or react to things. Last night Annwyn finally cracked under constant (and deliberate) offensive remarks and smacked me round the back of the head with her crossbow. Everyone seemed so stunned by the occurrence that they allowed her to escape.
Perfect. There's an arrest warrant out for her now, wonder how long it'll take before someone hauls her in.

http://aycu11.webshots.com/image/34250/2001229805174020646_rs.jpg


Anyway - Had everyone scaling stairs all evening battering the hell out of one another which was entertaining to watch, not so entertaining to have to run up and down flight after flight of stairs to keep an eye on things but what can you do?

Drakan randomly appeared on the roof of the Citadel, causing me to question my sanity but it seemed everyone else noticed him also so I can't be going completely nuts. Reassuring to some extent, not so reassuring to see the Besiegers team their way to the final few then battle it out. Of course Walker left the arena to allow his minions to battle it out whilst he maimed Young and Lumbard somehow managed to score a victory. A very low point in Militia history to be sure.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

27th day of the 11th month

It had been a while since the monthly nutcase stopped by and tried to discuss random topics with me.
It seems as Captain I'm a magnet for fricking weirdos.
I must have a sign above my head that says "Come and talk to me about random nonsense."
Not sure what 'inbalance' this loonie was chatting about last night but I was more distracted by the fact that he was wearing purple bloody boots.
Purple boots!
Who wears those in public? Let alone when you're trying to maintain the guise of an educated and intelligent man.
First of he'd made some dirty remark about entering my 'domain', then mentioned about 'coming inside'. Filthy old git. Never caught his name but he was clearly two bolts short of a quiver.

http://aycu37.webshots.com/image/34676/2000895229266313384_rs.jpg


He also offered to find a midwife for Tanya for when she goes into labour. I think we'll give that one a pass to be honest, strangely enough I don't really trust the reference of a bloke who waltzes around in purple thigh boots.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

28th day of the 11th month

I've reached a very low ebb in my life.
The most exciting thing I have to talk about from yesterday was the unfortunate observation of a chess convention.

http://aycu24.webshots.com/image/34503/2004746348538452988_rs.jpg

I don't even know what to say about it other than "ZzZzZzZzZz!"
I've never been a big fan of the game but watching it played en masse was parallel to having my brain ground into a million pieces by sitting through four thousand years worth of Trinsic story-telling evenings.

Even writing about it is causing my mind to implode.
I'll stop now.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

29th day of the 11th month

Bloody women and their errands.
Fraser had us undertake some team challenge nonsense in Ilshenar which pretty much consisted of us running around delivering things to women called bizarre things like "Lucretia" and "Lithia".

Ended up on Floria's team with Vance, Swinson and Dog-eater Park.
Our early lightning quick progress was replaced by abrupt and painful failure at the hands of golden beasties more interested in knocking us down every time we managed to climb to our feet than destroying the world or some such.

http://img123.imageshack.us/img123/5016/ilshenarteamthinggd2.jpg


After a few hours of being beaten to a pulp by golden juka and their golden dragoon and golden golem pals I shot Su-mi a few times to make myself feel better, then went home.
Don't know who won the competition, don't even care.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

30th day of the 11th month

Usually when I wake up in a ditch not knowing what the hell led to me being there it's a bad sign but when I'm waking up in a ditch not knowing what the hell led to me being there, alongside a dead horse I begin to worry.

After making some enquiries I was apparently on some sort of patrol to 'THE TOME OF DESPAIR!' (cue dramatic sighs and groans) and it all went horribly wrong as we all started falling down unconscious (well we were in a cave and trolls dwell in caves so by my warped logic we probably caught a whiff of Lisa Valentine and passed out.)
I'm not totally sure what happened after that but I somehow ended up back in Yew with a dead 'Bundle' at the feet of a lich outside my house, so pretty much like every other piss-up. Hopefully I managed not to impregnate anybody or Tanya will probably have me sleeping on the sofa for a night or two. (If only it were that easy!)

http://aycu12.webshots.com/image/34331/2003750583140256136_rs.jpg

Anyway, Bundle is now refusing to move, probably due to him being very much deceased. Unfortunately this means I must begin the epic search for another brown horse.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

1st day of the 12th month

Poor Wilkes, not only is he doomed to marry Cordelia but his stag night pretty much consisted of a sausage-fest coupled with a Swaggers bar wench barely old enough to be off the breast herself whipping out her pitchers.
Was rather tame to be honest but then these children are all a bunch of pansies anyway. Putting Wilkes in a pink dress was one of their 'outrageous' pranks.
A better prank would have been to leave a helpless Radek locked in a room with a hellhound in heat.

http://aycu31.webshots.com/image/34070/2004646545236394594_rs.jpg

Didn't drink much, thought it better I stay sober around a bunch of blokes who consider quiet 'walks' in the woods together an enjoyable jaunt.
Didn't get to tear some tit Vesperian a new rear-orifice though. I'm sure his queer lover will be delighted at that.

Ugh... now I have to go to the wedding.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

2nd day of the 12th month

So I had the delightful experience of watching Wilkes marry Cordelia.
Apparently when attending such cringe-worthy occasions I'm not allowed to rip it out of people, as it's not in the spirit of the occasion.
Groan. Despite said stupid restrictions I made an effort to squeeze in as many spirited remarks as I could, with success.

http://aycu21.webshots.com/image/35180/2002379932777485896_rs.jpg


Tanya's overdue and exploiting that fact by moaning ridiculously about it at every opportunity. Beginning to wish it'd hurry up and arrive myself before I go insane from the whinging.
Annie's also joining in with Tanya's mutterings by complaining her 'little sister' hasn't shown up yet.

If I wasn't being forced to spend every possible hour at home waiting for the bloody baby, I'd be burying myself in work to get away from it. How fricking typical!

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

3rd day of the 12th month

Whoever was responsible for the Waywatcher report stating that Magincia has calmed down is clearly insane.
It was manic in Magincia and our original goal of re-building or establishing a base of operations went out of the window as soon as we ventured into the jungle.
We were ambushed pretty expertly by the bloody demon conquerors and forced to watch as our packhorse was devoured resources and all.

The Last Man Standing that followed later was won by Young, beating Tripps in the final two, a reverse of the previous round in which Tripps had eventually defeated Young.
Young's a pretty unlikely winner and I think most will agree his victories have been reliant primarily upon luck rather than insurmountable skill.

http://aycu14.webshots.com/image/35893/2001033761598913108_rs.jpg


Tanya's convinced herself she's in labour so I'll be staying at home tonight to keep an eye on her. I don't think The Deer's the best place for a woman who's spending her time in considerable pain.
Anyway, see you on the other side I suppose.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

4th day of the 12th month

Thomas Edward Dart and Emily Marie Dart were born at a quarter past one o'clock yesterday afternoon.

Yes, two of them. I don't know how that's physically possible but when Tanya had popped out the first (Thomas) they mentioned that the second seemed ready to follow along shortly.
They didn't seem to realise that we had no knowledge of Emily being hidden away inside.

So now I've finally stolen a moment where everyone's asleep and I'm determined to make a note of yesterday's events so that I can look back on them when I'm old and bitter.

The day began with me suiting up and heading out to work only to be halted at the door by Tanya telling me that it was 'time'.
I wasn't sure whether to believe her and matters were made slightly worse by her conceding that she'd had no physical signs of her being ready to pop.
I stayed home anyway, far be it for me to disregard a woman's intuition.

http://img514.imageshack.us/img514/4884/senseitzu7.jpg

Surprisingly we ended up at the healer's after a brief while and to my horror we were informed that it seemed we were almost ready to start pushing.
I didn't know things could be that easy. I've had (obviously not given birth to) a few children now but I've never had the pleasure of such a delightfully brief labour.

I suppose once all the insanity has died down we'll have to seriously consider moving. As much as we both love our current abode I don't think there's much more work we can have done to make it suitable for six little ones and the occasional visit from Rhoen or Rose.

http://img90.imageshack.us/img90/9492/copeel4.jpg

Anyway I should make the most of this period of quiet and sleep.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

5th day of the 12th month

Bloody drama queen just like her Mother.
Desperate to hold one of the babies but as soon as I slightly move the cap she'd rather stupidly placed over Thomas' face she kicks off.

Things are going to be hard enough without Lily having a pissy every twenty fricking seconds.

http://aycu07.webshots.com/image/34526/2002766866285209225_rs.jpg


Shouldn't be angry at her anymore though, she came down later on to apologise and have a cuddle and worm her way back into my good books. If that's at all possible when she'll go off on one when I get home tonight.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

6th day of the 12th month

Nothing beats looking into the eyes of a broken man. Especially when that broken man is a sodding immigrant bastard celt who spends more time beating war-drums and plunging his head into a bucket of paint than learning how to speak clearly.
If this imbecile goes to trial then we should put him through elocution lessons first just so I don't have to sit through listening to someone going "Whoil oi oin't goilty".

http://aycu35.webshots.com/image/35914/2004441756795884270_rs.jpg


Corporal Tenne had heard rumours of them setting up in 'Free Yew' and asked me to lead the men off to deal with the threat whilst the Waywatchers scouted them out.
Was pretty simple and we found them pretty quickly.
I tried to have a nice conversation with them but it quickly degenerated into them throwing bombs over their barricade as they lacked the vocabulary to chat.

Bet they wished they'd waited to talk with us as their whupping was pretty damn swift. Lost a couple of men though after they were complete idiots, so gave them a breather before we pushed on.
Next time was far more successful. Crushed them completely and utterly, then captured their leader.

Anyway, I have to go help Lily with her costume for this damn market.
Tanya begged me to take her out so she can have some peace as the devil-child is driving her up the wall.
Can't wait.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

7th day of the 12th month

Knackered.
I've taken to sleeping in my office again just to get some rest and I feel guilty doing that too. Tanya keeps telling me to go get some sleep but the only place that I can't hear the new arrivals screaming every few minutes is down the road in the Keep.
Even now I can still hear it in my head.

http://aycu31.webshots.com/image/35110/2003187621168869849_rs.jpg


Yesterday Lily and I visited the festive market in the town centre.
Lily went around causing a ruckus as she usually does, buying something from near enough everybody and no doubt pissing off pretty much everybody unfortunate enough to speak to her.
So now Lilydeer has some candy, a nice blue skirt and a kitten. Yes, a kitten.
So now not only do we have two brand new vocal babies but a kitten and Bullseye.

I'm pretty sure Tanya wasn't very pleased about the kitten. I received 'The Look' and the notification that we would 'discuss this in the morning'.
Still waiting for that chat though.
Well... not waiting. Dreading.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

8th day of the 12th month

Sick of these stupid rebels.
I walked out of the office yesterday to find Stormberg getting attacked by five or six of them and set about kicking them in.
After hours of chasing them around the buildings getting stabbed by poisonous blades, they sod off.

http://aycu28.webshots.com/image/35947/2000311218647730556_rs.jpg


This is getting tedious to the point that I'm thinking of going down there and cracking their heads myself.
No more of this diplomatic crap, next time I see one of those tossers in Yew I'm putting a bolt through his jaw and a foot up his arse.
No questions, no cheery greetings just purely justifiable homicide.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

9th day of the 12th month

I'm so generous, even to the egotistic madmen who inhabit the badlands.
After a show of democracy we ended up battling murderlings in the land of extremely bad architecture and broken Britannian.

http://aycu13.webshots.com/image/37012/2000254364255393465_rs.jpg

Surprisingly the murderlings put up little in the way of a fight and we dispatched some bloke who worked pretty hard to annoy us but inevitably died due to severe hair loss.
Another fool challenged us to a duel to the death as we were about to leave with twenty five thousand crowns up for grabs if we won.

We accepted and within a few seconds we were checking him for signs of life. Miraculously he survived and I suggested he keep the gold and get himself a haircut. Stupid pink haired bastard. What is he? A Trinsican?

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

10th day of the 12th month

Ugh. It's days like yesterday that I wish I'd chosen a different career.
Something calm and ultimately uneventful like fishing.
Although then I realise I'd probably end up going in search of some mythical sea beast to provoke some entertainment.

Seems the 'Siegers have been up to no good causing all sorts of trouble so whilst trying to deal with them, I have a rebel assault on the Citadel to handle. Seems they were after a prisoner of ours, who we executed anyway so their random showing and getting whipped was all in vain.

http://aycu07.webshots.com/image/36166/2002245463261104494_rs.jpg


Vance beat Drakan in the final two of the Last Man Standing. I'm sure there's money in that. A rematch or something.

Anyway, yesterday's annoyed me too much to even comment further than saying that the Militia are a bunch of flaming idiots.
That'll do.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

11th day of the 12th month

13 goals in 2 games.
That's international form that is.
Now if only I wasn't slightly older than most bagball players these days and stuck playing against novices and amateurs.
Granted we played against a bloke who claimed to be an ex-professional and put eight past his team without conceding a bean but there's a difference to a has-been and a professional team.

So whilst I probably missed out on what could have been a glorious career as a bagball player, I'm sure I'll get by with this ridiculously un-cushy Captain post, nine children and a stupidly moody wife.

http://aycu22.webshots.com/image/34301/2005448373086676006_rs.jpg


Stopped by the graveyard to check on a Trainee I'd seen attempting to tidy up around there and found him unconscious (probably napping) in the dirt.
For some reason Louisa was there and informed me of the incapacitated Trainee. Whilst constantly reminding me to be careful of the lumbering bone-men, Lord forbid I let one of them near me without running around shrieking.
Anyway, had a nice chat with Lou which was overshadowed by the awkwardness always present in our conversations and the insinuations that I'm actually soft or something, then went back and had a wildly exaggerated argument with Tanya.
It's times like this that make me wonder why I ever chose Tanya over Lou, then I realise that my arguments with Lou were even more daft and that Louisa makes Tanya look completely unsusceptible to hormones.

Yawn.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

12th day of the 12th month

'The Hidden City' is clearly hidden for a reason. Other than being designed by someone with a double-barrelled name and ridiculously exaggerated cuffs it was filled with things I've never seen before and never want to see again, until I decide to lead a suicidal patrol there myself which might happen eventually should I grow bored enough.
There's an idea.

http://aycu26.webshots.com/image/38545/2004818635175614446_rs.jpg


Spent more time on my arse in that place than Swayne spends on her back.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

13th day of the 12th month

Vance is going mad or something having us trudging around trying to teach us all to hunt. I guess he's finally realised that having his eye sight halved means he's more vulnerable than most and wants to ensure that should something occur we'll all be on hand to help him out.

http://aycu01.webshots.com/image/37080/2006056390456448447_rs.jpg


Either that or he just likes seeing people wandering around eating burnt meat they find in the forest. Probably the latter, sadist that he is.

Stormberg's trial tonight, that'll be fun and from what I've been hearing it's going to be a pretty conclusive outcome.
Anyway, it keeps me away from the hell-hole that is home at the moment and maybe when I'm forced to deal with one of the beasts tonight I'll have only just gotten home so won't be in dreamland.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

14th day of the 12th month

I suppose whoever killed off Egrad did me a big favour. I wasn't forced to conduct a farce of a trial but was instead forced to conduct a stupidly inconclusive inquiry into the idiot's death.

Pointing random fingers at Waywatchers, Footmen and even Walker yielded little in the way of results. All I know is Egrad's dead and his killer is still out there. I'm curious as to the motive of whoever did it but I guess we'll just pin it on the rebels, makes it all a lot easier in the long run and it sounds like something they'd do, murdering an unarmed man in cold blood.

http://aycu34.webshots.com/image/37833/2001156009300388364_rs.jpg


Went home after the 'trial' in a 'not-so-great' mood and was promptly moaned at by Tanya. I give up with that woman, had a full-on pissy at me and I left, refusing to put up with her whinging.
Stayed at the Abbey for the night and am seriously considering staying there again tonight.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

15th day of the 12th month

Whoever 'Al Fresco' is he makes good food.
Pity Tanya neglected to eat any of it.

Had a 'pleasantish' evening at the field during Sands' meal where the topic ranged from the rebellion to the promiscuous butcher's wife.
Everyone noticed Tanya barely touching her food which set her off on a crying fit once we found our way home.
Well, that's what I'm assuming was the reason, or it might have had something to do with the fact our relationship has reached its lowest ebb.
All she had to do was apologise for her outburst and I would have stayed home, avoiding the inevitable meeting with Louisa at the Abbey.

Now I've promised Lou I'll 'think' about having an affair with her.
...Can't believe I just wrote that. It's not quite as dumbed down as I've just described it but it's not far off.

http://aycu06.webshots.com/image/37125/2002865856717134909_rs.jpg


Should have just stayed at home but strangely enough I'm actually considering the offer, Tanya and I just don't get along anymore, not at the moment anyway, not since the new arrivals.
I guess that's to be expected anyone would just tell me to be patient but I've never been patient, ever and I'm getting tired of the constant bickering.
Maybe I can find a reason to go home in the hope Tanya will apologise or something, or maybe the knowledge that as soon as I step through that door and get smacked in the gut by a wave of guilt is a little too intimidating.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

16th day of the 12th month

As if it wasn't enough that I got lumbered with wandering through Khaldun in search of Katrine's friends a while back, I found myself trapped inside again under the pretence of a 'Test of Faith' or some such.
Needless to say there was a lot of blood and a lot of wandering around admiring the gore present from numerous unfortunate adventurers and their meetings with destiny.

http://aycu06.webshots.com/image/34725/2005954206728536128_rs.jpg


Not much more I can say about that really. I did find a reason to go back home and was on the verge of fixing things with Tanya only to have her make some snide remark in regards to my past infidelity.
Cow.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

17th day of the 12th month

Had my fun making the attendees (victims) of the Last Man Standing do many embarrassing things, however it seemed they're gluttons for punishment and enjoyed the embarrassments so much so that Aldridge induced a seizure from having so much festive enjoyment.
Idiot.

Employed some daft background story to their battling, something about a three thousand year war between a Kingdom and an Empire. Can't rightly remember all the characters involved, all I really remember was Kratos was the Emperor with two sons, one a eunuch, one impotent and Dorian was a Mercenary who received his payment in sausage.
Much like Swayne actually...

Added a twist at the end of the Last Team Standing where the two remaining from one team were the final two in the Last Man Standing.
Kevin Longshot versus Alexander Fraser.
The Footman surprisingly defeated the First Besieger in armed but un-armoured combat and won the prize of weekly Last Man Standing champion. Hooray for him!

http://aycu33.webshots.com/image/37232/2005462733244635296_rs.jpg


Then received a guilt trip from Tanya. So went home and found myself faced with the delightful task of dealing with almost every single child I've ever produced. Fatherhood is so fulfilling, especially the part where you leave to go home to the Abbey after having put everyone back in bed.

I've been asked to head there this evening to put the Avatarmass tree up for the children which'll be fun. Cue the normal case of ridiculous enthusiasm for the first fifteen minutes then a sudden and abrupt boredom which results in them all vanishing and you being left neck-deep in stupid festive... crap.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

18th day of the 12th month

Normally I enjoy winning an argument, I enjoy making my conquered foe beg for forgiveness.
However, I suppose the knowledge that Tanya genuinely believes she was in the wrong in this situation and that I am to be trusted makes me feel a little guilty.
I think I might have redeemed myself though, I haven't spoken to Louisa since that night and I have no intention of doing so again.
On the other hand, I've had no intention of doing so again many times previously and I always do.

http://aycu24.webshots.com/image/36183/2003693245266986652_rs.jpg


Why must I constantly battle between affections for the two of them? I've married one of them now, there's no way back, it's about time I just acknowledged the fact that as much as I'd like it I don't think Tanya would buy into bigamy.
That's gotten me thinking/dreaming now. Why do I do this to myself?

http://aycu23.webshots.com/image/35702/2003671564434030792_rs.jpg


Found our way to The Deer later on and tried out their festive 'Melted Snowmen' which equated to cold water.
Completely destroyed Tanya in a game of arrows. Hadn't seen form like that since I was sat about a foot away and planting the darts into the board myself without them ever leaving my grasp.

Anyway, back to the paper work.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

19th day of the 12th month

So last night pretty much consisted of running around completing pointless errands like bombing Cedarwood, drawing in a riddle competition, then returning to Cedarwood to rescue a captured monk whom we couldn't free due to the unfortunate case of being outnumbered four to one.

http://aycu05.webshots.com/image/36164/2004011496953559499_rs.jpg


There were rumblings that Cove had shown their ugly faces (or not as the case may be) alongside the Vesperian and Rebel dogs, so we paid a visit to Cove after abandoning the monk to his fate.
Not much really happened, Walker almost ended up flattening some bint and Gotrek tried to start a war over some nonsense involving a dartboard and D'Gar's face.

Tanya's hired some builders to start knocking down the house, apparently the prospect of living in such a cramped dwelling is far too much for her and it's imperative that we start work on our new abode as soon as possible.
So that means money will be tight over the coming months, having to pay for alternative accommodation and building costs, so I'll end up having to work even more and subsequently spend less time at home leading to the further deterioriation of our marriage.

...I haven't actually highlighted that yet though in our conversations about the project. Probably should.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

20th day of the 12th month

Nothing beats seeing a rag-tag bunch of guardsmen wail away at each other with nothing but a few scraps of bargain bought armour and salvaged weaponry.
...Well actually a lot of things beat that but I'm trying to make my little 'Peasant Combat' extravaganza sound far more exciting than it actually was.

http://aycu17.webshots.com/image/37616/2000883813520847198_rs.jpg


I had the men and women dress up in a few pieces of armour and take some unorthodox weapons, bash each other in a few different games and then dismissed them. That's the basic unflattering summary but let's spruce it up a little shall we?

Peasants are often denounced as helpless fools incapable of defending themselves but this is clearly inaccurate due to their ability to turn what in the hands of a master warrior would merely be a walking stick to a weapon of great destructive power.
The lads and lasses of the Guardsmen Militia have it lucky these days, with numerous resources available we're able to supply them with decent gear, however some small town militias are not so fortunate.
Should we ever lose our weaponry we'll be hard pushed to fit our lads out with appropriate gear, so in my infinite wisdom I decided I would experiment to find out just how prepared the Militia's 'finest' (and I use that term very loosely, even looser than Swayne) are for combat.

Ugh... I can't even be bothered to say anything further.
Kevin Longshat is now the 'Peasant Combat Champion'. That's two victories in a week for him, how fantastic!

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

21st day of the 12th month

If Wilkes is going to insist on perving away at my kitchen window then I've at least given him the correct means to do so.
Floria had us all finding each other gifts. Everyone else went to town filling boxes full of tons of junk. I was somewhat more thoughtful and considerate of what Radek would 'really' want for Avatarmass.
"What does a dirty little voyeur want for Avatarmass?" I hear you ask Mister Log; A spyglass!

Of course I wouldn't be me if my delightful gift came free from my own personal touch, which in this instance was the use of an adhesive paste around the eye piece.
It'd been a toss-up between the paste and boot polish, one being slightly cruder than the other. Of course when it comes to pranks it's better to favour humour over malice but in this unique situation malice was the deciding factor.
The last I saw of Wilkes he was wandering around with a telescope attached to his eye socket.

http://aycu08.webshots.com/image/37567/2001028313064607357_rs.jpg


The Corporal had us devise 'festive' songs for one another. Ours was so good that I've even included it here so that it can never be forgotten.

Shortshaft the mini-willied bastard
Nailed to a festive tree
And if you ever saw Young
You'd know he stalks Te'ani

All of the other 'Watchers
Stalked around unseen all day
They never let poor Yoooooung
Join in their kinky leather fun

Then one foggy Avatarmass eve, Fraser came to say:
"I really have to come out... I really am so gay!"
Then all the 'Watchers loved him
As they shouted out with "Flee!"

Fraser the gay Besieger
You'll go up in flames to-daaayHaving read over it again I'm pretty sure it wasn't our best work.
I blame Wilkes.

The other team won because ours was abusive. Whereas the other song just described in detail the butchering of Celts but of course possessed a much more festive theme.

- Dart

[OOC - No offence intended, 'tis all in good festive spirit I assure you]

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

22nd day of the 12th month

A few months ago we visited some mines in pursuit of the elusive Hiroko Tanaka.
Yesterday we went for no particular reason other than that Wilkes decided he wanted to lead a patrol there.
I should have a formal banning order issued to prohibit people from venturing into those endless and mind-numbing caves of death and manic laughter.

http://aycu22.webshots.com/image/37381/2004864003503937243_rs.jpg

Anyway, I promised a Trainee I'd take her on a patrol.
I suppose I owe her that for all the drinks she used to bring up to my office when she worked in The Deer.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

23rd day of the 12th month

It's been a while since I visited the Crypts but I see nothing has changed. There's still the faintly obnoxious stench of death and the echoing cries of lisping undead.
It's good to know that no matter what the Crypts will always be the same, it's a steady constant in an otherwise crazy world.

http://aycu11.webshots.com/image/39410/2000925351332365652_rs.jpg

Ah well, I best return to desperately trying to find the perfect gift for Tanya.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

24th day of the 12th month

Red festive hats and muffins surely make for an entertaining evening.
I'll have to remember to allow the men to wear stupid headwear more often in future.
Either that or I'll have Daelia bake muffins and hand them out, it surely increases their efficiency ten-fold.

http://aycu32.webshots.com/image/39471/2005987056586747188_rs.jpg

Anyway, I've given Tanya part of her Avatarmass present. Although it was a very substantial gift in itself.
Best go make sure the children are all in bed asleep before I make my red-suited rounds.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

29th day of the 12th month

Back to the grind.
Just gotten home from spending the best part of three days in Moonglow alone with Tanya and the babies.

I'd ambled around on Avatarmass Eve stuffing stockings full of over-sized parcels. Ugh, that sounds so crude and laden with innuendo but it's meant in the most innocent sense.

The next morning we had Annie moaning that she wasn't allowed out in the freezing cold to play bagball. That girl's becoming more like Rose every damn day.
Had the customary awkward family dinner with us being forced to invite Louisa to accommodate Floria, Francis, Annie and to a much lesser extent Rose who would according to the multitude of remarks made over the course of dinner have preferred that she not be there at all.
That's putting it in the nicest possible way.

http://aycu25.webshots.com/image/36904/2005101020889779595_rs.jpg


After all that nonsense, with the children tucked away in their beds, Tanya and I snuck away upstairs for the unwrapping of yet another of her presents.

Floria, Navaska and the children had pitched in to pay for a brief trip away for Tanya and I, which after the incredible fuss of Avatarmass coupled with the troubles leading up to the festive period was very much appreciated.
It's a pity the babies weren't quite in on the plan.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

30th day of the 12th month

After the festive period it's only natural that the lads and lasses who make up the glorious organisation known as the Guardsmen Militia are slightly bereft of peak fitness.
With over-hanging bellies stuffed full of greasy poultry and sugary desserts you can tell from the expressions on their triple-chinned, flush-cheeked faces that the thought of strenuous exercise is enough to make them gag and wretch.

http://aycu23.webshots.com/image/40222/2004958340726250276_rs.jpg


As a man who finds the intoxicatingly sweet and artery-clogging salty festive foods just a little too repugnant to gorge oneself to the point of requiring extra extra extra extra large sized kilts, I had absolutely no sympathy for them whatsoever.

Maybe the three hundred and fifty three thousand, four hundred and eleven errands I gave them around Yew ought to shift a little bit of that excess baggage.

Planks.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

31st day of the 12th month

I think I've really started to scrape the barrel in terms of twists and turns to the Last Man Standing. I suppose that's bound to happen when you're stood in front of a line up without any pre-planning and find yourself making stuff up on the spot.

http://img90.imageshack.us/img90/1668/lms07du8.jpg

Maybe for future Last Man Standings I'll plan them a little in advance.
'Last Pie Standing' should for the benefits of my own sanity occur just the once.

http://img168.imageshack.us/img168/47/lms07asa2.jpg

Bet a lettuce on Walker to win the first two practice rounds but the plank failed miserably, only winning one.
Useless idiot. Cost me only three lettuce leaves though, I suppose that's a bonus but lost 'The Carrot' to Larynda's fat bastard horse.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

1st day of the 1st month

I managed to avoid hitting the bottle yesterday, despite spending much of the run-up to midnight dealing with a continuous cycle of winding and wailing.
We stopped by The Deer earlier on in the night for a reason that escapes me now.
With only Daelia serving the bar and Lucas drinking himself into a stupor, our stay was brief if not tinged with a bizarre insight into our resident Drow alcoholic's existence.

http://aycu18.webshots.com/image/40137/2003024244084243428_rs.jpg

Oh and I've made a New Year's resolution to be nice and polite to everyone.
I can't see that lasting beyond quarter of an hour at work at most.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

2nd day of the 1st month

Ahh the drama of family life never ceases to keep me on my toes.
Someone's wandered off with one of Tanya's family heirlooms and subsequently everyone's under suspicion!

http://aycu35.webshots.com/image/39994/2000027732448369057_rs.jpg

Lily and Rose are prime suspects because not only are they tall enough to reach where the clock was hung but they also have previously committed crimes of a similar nature. Oh and I'm sure Tanya can fashion a motive in there somewhere too.
If Francis was a couple of inches taller I dare say we'd throw him in there for good measure. Anyway, I best continue my investigations before all hell breaks loose.

As if I don't have enough to worry about.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

3rd day of the 1st month

So when I finally pack this guarding lark in, I think I'll avoid fishing as a retirement plan.
Must have been stood there a good couple of hours or so and didn't even cause enough of a stir for a fish to bloody well glance at my hook.

http://img503.imageshack.us/img503/5799/fishing01qi0.jpg

It would seem Benjamin's having a hard time of it at school.
Apparently because he's painfully shy he's 'stupid'. It's often a struggle to get even a couple of words out of him but he's not daft and I resent some trumped up tart calling him such.

http://img85.imageshack.us/img85/2921/fishing02ff1.jpg


Ben doesn't want me to go speak to her but I think it's best, when I get a free moment I'll go have a quick word with Mrs Gilingby.
Probably some old Celtic windbag trying to brainwash her students. Tart.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

4th day of the 1st month

My jaw aches like absolute sodding hell this morning and I'm not even quite sure why. Perhaps it was the snowball (read: block of ice) some taintling lobbed at my head yesterday when I took the men to some 'Winter Party' the King had laid on.
Or perhaps one of the numerous rebels who set upon us when we intercepted one of their dodgy convoys managed to land more on me than I'd anticipated.

http://aycu27.webshots.com/image/39986/2001811605780798344_rs.jpg

Work is almost complete on the house, which means I'll be having a busy weekend dragging things between rooms.
There's good news though, namely that I've had a big stone wall put up around the property so Wilkes won't be able to leer in and squeal with delight when I'm wandering around downstairs half-naked before breakfast.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

5th day of the 12th month

Another reason for me to regret my past promiscuity has revealed itself.
Apparently Mrs Gilingby is none other than a disgruntled ex-conquest. I'm not sure why she's so bitter, she received the satisfaction and fulfilment beyond her wildest dreams and I added another notch to the bedpost, a fair and appreciable deal.
That's it! That's why she's so bitter, she's had to live the years following our encounter with a husband who could never hope to compare. She's angry that I allowed her a sip from the 'Fountain of Fulfilment' (so to speak) and have unknowingly since forced her to settle for the equivalent of a mug of bath water.

I feel somewhat obliged to calm the rampant lust she obviously still possesses but I'm a married man now and I'm not sure Tanya would be too keen on my noble quest.

http://aycu34.webshots.com/image/38153/2005073921259669918_rs.jpg

She's agreed to try harder with Ben. Tanya and I have also spoken to him and have encouraged him to respond to people more. Time will tell I suppose.

Apparently Francis is even worse than I thought though, I'm not even sure it's entirely me to blame either, for once.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

6th day of the 1st month

I knew having so many daughters would come back to bite me in the arse.
I can't even put my foot down with Annie, one look at her wobbling bottom lip and she could be asking to move out and marry a geriatric for all it would matter, I'd still grudgingly give in.

I still can't believe she managed to talk me into playing 'dresses' with her.

http://aycu20.webshots.com/image/40579/2001905373508330956_rs.jpg

I've clearly lost control of her, I need to send her off to live with her Mother or something, the further away she is the less likely I am to turn into a fricking cross-dressing Wilkes wannabe.
I did draw the line at letting anybody else see me dressed up like a tart though, which caused her to cry. I now have to tell her a story every night for a week. Manipulative little cow.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

7th day of the 1st month

I really don't see the point in attempting to raid the Keep, then legging it without loot or having eliminated any guardsmen.
Whoever those plank bandits were yesterday one of them sure didn't want to stay in Yew.

He leapt out of the trees whilst the Footmen and Gotrek were dealing with the others, tried to hit me, missed six or seven times before I kicked him up the arse. This subsequently forced him to run across the Yewish forest in pursuit of sanctuary. I followed him for a while hoping he'd eventually give up running and let me grant him a quick death but apparently the idea of legging it for the best part of an eternity was preferable. Tit.

http://aycu29.webshots.com/image/38628/2000266040749398274_rs.jpg

Wilkes won the Last Man Standing and the complimentary halberd which was very much a low-point in the Militia's history.
Matters were made worse by Tanya demanding I tear the wall down because Francis keeps trying to climb it and hurting himself.
Anyone would think it'd be easier just to bollock him every time he defies us and climbs it but my parenting methods are clearly archaic and ineffectual.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

8th day of the 12th month

The King's Deer has a new barkeep and his name is 'Reebdoog'. Clearly this man's parents were incredibly proud of their ancestral barkeeping heritage.

It makes me wonder if Rhoen, Francis, Ben and Thomas should have been named in recognition of the Dart family's heritage. Although I'm not sure Samantha, Louisa or Tanya would have appreciated their sons being named 'Gnivoldoog Dart', 'Drowskrop-Eguh Dart', 'Efilruoy-Fothgin Dart' and 'Sussimyht-Deknob Dart'.

http://aycu28.webshots.com/image/39227/2004051796065091147_rs.jpg


Ah well, I best clamber through this mud in pursuit of something for the men to do.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

9th day of the 1st month

Well, Tanya's been promising a belated present for a while now but it finally arrived yesterday evening as she handed me the reigns to what appears to be an actual 'dark horse'. No doubt I'll manage to kill this one within a few moments of climbing on, so I'm reluctant to try it out.

http://aycu12.webshots.com/image/40811/2002853506647770332_rs.jpg


Tried to have the men do something constructive or entertaining but failed miserably. This was mainly caused by our inability to concentrate or in some cases stay conscious for more than a few moments at a time. Someone's been at the water supply I'm telling you. Oldar's probably been pissing in the tavern kegs again.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

10th day of the 1st month

Taxes. I remember when you had a fair chance of accosting at least half a dozen evasive little gits but apparently we're lucky if we inconvenience even one these days.

http://aycu04.webshots.com/image/38003/2000688298806176126_rs.jpg

Did spank a few rebels later on though which meant it wasn't a completely wasted day. Bagged six myself which makes me feel a lot better about our recent encounters with them. Of course our most recent 'failure' (if you can call getting attacked, taking a couple down then hastily withdrawing as a failure) was entirely my fault according to Madsen's subtle remarks, ignoring that we were outnumbered about three to one and him being the only plank who was beaten like the big mouthy numpty that he is.

Anyway, good day for the Militia. Bad day for caked-in-paint Celts. Especially as Cedarwood is now under 'lockdown'.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

11th day of the 1st month

Not sure what the hell Longshat had us playing yesterday evening but the team I graced with my presence of course emerged victorious. Primarily due to Fraser's inability to store any of our resources inside our pack horse's bags.

I'll assume he knew what he was doing. When he clearly did not.

http://aycu29.webshots.com/image/41228/2005184844519896840_rs.jpg

Wilkes ended up naked though which lowered the tone of the entire event.
I can't understand why that freakish little oddball can't keep his clothes on, it's bad enough he spends half his day fiddling away with his crossbow at my kitchen window but now he's taken to stripping off at Militia events?
Creep.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

12th day of the 1st month

Just got in from taking Lily to the Moonglow Zoo. What a depressingly anti-climatic attraction that was. I remember taking the children there about a year ago and they were in awe of the wondrous beasts hiding away in the trees. This time around Lily and I were more in awe of how bad the Zoo had become.
A bear had escaped, a crane was fluttering about in the hedges, a wooden horse was poking its arse out through the bars and the only bloody real animals behind bars were a pack of wolves. Hardly the most exciting beasties.

Some of the cage doors were hanging off which makes me wander where the hell the beasts have wandered off to. I have a plan though, a great, poorly thought out, doomed to failure plan.

http://aycu23.webshots.com/image/38422/2005339132642052934_rs.jpg

Got attacked by a llama on our way home and whilst I was beating the bastard down the blasted creature summoned one of its mongbat allies to assist in the struggle. A crunching jab put that little mongshat on his arse.
Gits.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

13th day of the 1st month

Having seen that the Moonglow Zoo was suffering from a condition known as "No-bloody-decent-animals" syndrome, I led the men there in the hope that we could pick a creature to hunt down and bring to the Zoo in the hope that such a kind donation would get them back on their feet.

Since there seemed to be disagreement over what beastie would be easiest to track down and capture, I decided we'd attempt to haul a 'Changeling' back to the Zoo.

http://aycu23.webshots.com/image/41702/2005704010855080441_rs.jpg


To cut a long story short, the blasted changelings kept mimicking the guardsmen on the noble patrol. I can't imagine actually choosing to be some of the individuals present. I find it hard to believe that even a magical beast could mould and shape mass to such a degree that they could mimic Walker's frame, or could willingly limit its own intelligence to the point that you could mistake it for Madsen.
Regardless, after a lot of nonsense trying to work out whether the thing in the net was the real Walker or the fake Walker, we went home. Without a changeling and having seemingly accomplished nothing.
Bloody typical.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

14th day of the 1st month

I'm somewhat at a loss to explain how Tanya made it into the last three of the Last Man Standing and better yet how she managed to lead Walker and Tripps on a merry chase around the roof before they finally beat her down.

http://aycu13.webshots.com/image/39652/2003745814157773203_rs.jpg

Anyway, Walker again walked away with the title whilst Tripps and Fraser had earlier won a round of 'Capture the Booze', making it something of a clean sweep for the Besiegers in all competitions.

Best obliterate Tanya in darts or something though before she starts getting too big for her boots and thinks coming third in a Last Man Standing is an accomplishment. Although I suppose it is for an ex-Trinsican.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

15th day of the 1st month

I am on the brink. I've endured what must be nearing a full day of jokes stolen from the pages of what can only be the worst children's joke book in existence.
If I hear the word 'Knock' mentioned again I'm going to be putting my fist through a wall.
In I come, a little worse for wear after a combination of a visit to The Deer and a raid from our sheep-shagging painting and decorator pals and Tanya's sat on the floor sharing the most abysmal jokes you've ever heard with Lily. I suppose I should be glad they were in such high spirits.

http://aycu23.webshots.com/image/39222/2001082237301054750_rs.jpg

Anyway, time for another eventful evening I hope.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

16th day of the 1st month

Walker led us all to Cedarwood yesterday evening, hoping to catch the rebels by surprise. It worked to some extent, despite us not catching as many of them as we would have liked.
Had a club versus mace fight with some retarded traitor but instead of him even trying to fight he opted to dive down the stairs in some ill-advised attempt at escape.
A quick beating ensured he wouldn't be crawling away on another little journey.

http://aycu22.webshots.com/image/40381/2003704279871357910_rs.jpg

Luckily for the Cedarwood locals, the Guardsmen Militia aren't fond of laying continued siege to a defeated foe and setting upon their enemies when they're isolated and defenceless, so we left them to continue touching one another up with paintbrushes and inviting mutton back to their bedrooms.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

17th day of the 1st month

How dramatic.
It would seem that the other night the Waywatchers embarked on some sort of mission where something occurred or was said that Te'ani objected to and it all came to a head last night in the middle of the Hedge Maze.
Te'ani fired a bolt into Floria's arm. Not quite the correct way to go about complaining to your superior and certainly not in front of numerous other guardsmen. Anyway, Madsen put enough bolts in her to ensure she won't be pulling that again.
However, Young took it upon himself to try and 'care' for her. Apparently leaving a traitor for dead is uncalled for, especially when you sympathise with the traitorous half-drow groaning from her wounds on the ground. It took way too long to convince him to shut the hell up, follow orders and forget her. I'll be keeping a close eye on him in the future. It's pretty damn clear where his priorities lie.

http://aycu22.webshots.com/image/41061/2005300977340671419_rs.jpg

Did meet a troll guarding a bridge and demanding a toll, which made my day. Unfortunately he seemed rather hostile and we were forced to turn his bones into 'spackle'. Whatever the hell 'spackle' is.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

18th day of the 1st month

The amount of time I seem to spend running around Cedarwood chasing headless chickens I'm beginning to wonder what else I could accomplish during the day.

http://aycu18.webshots.com/image/41937/2005546415225085594_rs.jpg


Hopefully once this stupid rebellion ends I can get back to that seemingly never-ending mountain of paperwork that seems to gradually converge upon me day by day like some sort of man-eating glacier.
That said, all this running about knackers me to the point that I have a valid excuse for not crawling out of bed every time one of the sprogs wails.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

19th day of the 1st month

That woman never ceases to amaze me. I'm absolutely pissing furious at this moment in time. So much so that I can't believe I'm actually bothering to write, let alone manage it without stabbing someone with this quill.

Some tit from the Capital just came by and demanded I had Annie and Francis over because I've 'stolen' them from Lou. Stolen? So I must have imagined her telling me only recently that the children are better off in the hands of Tanya and I and that she wants us to take care of them. I must also have imagined the fact that they've been in our care from shortly after they were born.

http://aycu33.webshots.com/image/39792/2001269929630938032_rs.jpg


It's very difficult to put into words my feelings as regards Louisa at the best of times but right now I think I'm bordering on hatred. I'll need to ask Floria where she's moved to so I can go there and kill her.
Anyway, the idiot went back to Britain and apparently I'll have to wait on the local Militia contacting me.
So basically I need to contact myself over the matter.
There. Done. Resolved. Another mystery solved by the Guardsmen Militia!
Cretins.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

20th day of the 1st month

Aiden is a complete plank. As if I don't have enough problems with Tanya trying to compete with me at everything, he's now given her reason to actually genuinely believe she's better than me at something. All he had to do was beat her in three lousy games of darts but he failed, miserably. The only man not even to register a flipping point and worst of all he fails to register them against Tanya who walks into next week with a big fat '9' in her points column.
Then she goes one better and wins the Mini-Tournament at the end and donates the prize money to Criofan's education fund. Not that I have a problem with him being educated, Lord knows he needs it. They certainly need to educate the hereditary disease that forces all sheep-shaggers to talk like frigging numpties out of him.

http://aycu37.webshots.com/image/41676/2002684159108298138_rs.jpg


I have a bad feeling that young Criofan is actually a spy for the rebels. Yesterday I had the men lined up after that ridiculous facade I described above and Criofan sprints off when I inform the line up that we're off to inspect Cedarwood. When we arrived - guess what? Nobody's there. The fires, torches and candles are still lit but nobody's there. The booze is still out in their poxy tavern but nobody's there and Criofan's not to be found.
Convenient?

Spoke to Louisa which resulted in much abuse and threats being exchanged and then climaxed with her shoving her tongue down my throat. I of course resisted as much as I could but I'm not going to discuss this further here as I have recently discovered that Francis has been stealing and reading my log. However, he has promised to utilise his newly constructed slingshot to render Mister Wilkes blind should that pervert dare to peek in through our windows again.
Good lad. Might give him a crossbow for his birthday. That'd stop Wilkes in his tracks.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

21st day of the 1st month

I feel mildly satisfied. Cedarwood's rebellion lies in tatters and we accomplished victory in the final battle without incurring a single loss. Not even Madsen or Wilkes. I'm not sure that's positive actually. Maybe I'm less than mildly satisfied.

http://aycu04.webshots.com/image/42483/2005877081840457562_rs.jpg


Won the Last Man Standing though, which I suppose was a plus. Although most of that was down to luck and superior armour. I certainly wasn't at my best. Can't hit anything for tits lately. I can't be slowing down as this is more of a sudden occurrence than gradual but maybe my concentration has been elsewhere lately. Hopefully everything will sort itself out and I won't have a dozen different things grappling for attention in my mind.

Anyway... booze awaits. Or in my case water.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

22nd day of the 1st month

I'm going to have to start drinking heavily again just to get me through the tavern nights.
If it wasn't bad enough that I have to sit within close proximity to Madsen and Wilkes, I have Tanya practically mothering me in public.
Larynda's been passing around disgusting, filthy lies about some bizarre relationship I apparently had with Megumi. All I can say to that is if it really did happen, then I must have been drunk and if it really did happen then the revelation that it occurred will be enough to make me hack off my todger and burn it.
Then again I reckon being anywhere near Megumi in an intimate role would be enough to cause a similar injury anyway.

http://aycu37.webshots.com/image/19916/2000965151537735962_rs.jpg


Tanya later lead an inspection patrol around Cedarwood to ensure that it was well and truly abandoned. It was as well, which was something of a relief. Now we just have to track down the remaining rebels and put them to the sword. No doubt there'll be more long-distance running before this one's done and dusted.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

23rd day of the 1st month

Stupid Covian bastards. They seem to think merely screaming at the top of their voices that they're our 'allies' after having stabbed us in the back on multiple occasions is enough to save them from the inevitable repercussions.

http://aycu14.webshots.com/image/41813/2005441738419630766_rs.jpg

Madsen fired upon the Covian line up without orders, which according to D'Gar may have pushed us towards an all-out war instead of what was supposedly merely bullying. Good. The sooner we can find an excuse to remove the smear of shite that is Cove from Sosaria the better.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

24th day of the 1st month

The letter from Britain arrived today. Took it home and had a read.
Basically the entire letter consisted of a summary of lies and twisted half-truths. I'll write back to them tomorrow informing them that the Yewish Militia will ensure the matter is dealt with.

http://aycu09.webshots.com/image/43008/2003595558309771299_rs.jpg

Oh I'll ensure the matter's dealt with alright. Tomorrow I'm going to head back round to confront Louisa about it and see if we can't resolve the situation peacefully. Whatever it takes.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

25th day of the 1st month

It was good to be out of the house without the kids dragging me around or feeling like I need to watch my mouth in case Tanya objects to some offensive remark I make.

Lana was serving the bar at the market, so I stopped by to grab a drink. I never did end up with a beverage but it was more entertaining watching her struggle to control her reactions to my constant innuendo. She certainly has it more in check than she used to. I remember many times when she thought I'd be 'thirsty' and brought water up to my office during a busy day. Those visits were enjoyable - I received a nice cool drink and watched while she struggled to resist her almost uncontrollable lust for me.
Good times.

Lou was at the Market, stupid cow. Buying uniforms for the children. I was quite annoyed, especially as we'd made an agreement earlier on whereby she would stay in Yew, thus allowing the children to remain here too. All I had to do was 'see her' occasionally. Apparently though she doesn't trust me to come good on my promises and has taken to making arrangements for the children to move to Britain. Her loss. I guess I'll just have to start playing dirty.

http://img84.imageshack.us/img84/3202/marketandloutj0.jpg

Took the lads in search of a Shadow Wyrm. Not much to say on that, other than I remember Shadow Wyrms being far more challenging than the ones we found this evening were.
Then again that might have had something to do with the taintling running about and practically punching the big see-through bastards to death.

http://img147.imageshack.us/img147/324/marketpatrolrr3.jpg

Anyway, back to the pretence of normality.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

26th day of the 1st month

Had the guardsmen construct an amalgamation of different siege-weapon concepts yesterday evening.
I'm pretty sure no-one had a clue what they were doing. Walker's 'technical wizardry' seemed to consist of him throwing cogs and springs onto the ground and hoping they'd do more than just hurt to hell when you fell on them. Although that compared with Derwyn's command of what ended up known as the 'Siege-Bungalow-Mech' was probably worthy of some sort of medal.

Both teams when in command of the 'Siege-Bungalow-Mech' were crushed completely and utterly, seemingly leaving us with the conclusion that a few alterations were required to turn our revolutionary machine from 'Glaring Failure' into 'All Conquering'.

http://aycu33.webshots.com/image/40632/2001893185592242295_rs.jpg

Spoken to Louisa, still not sure what's going on there but I think I've succeeded in ensuring the children stay in Yew. Ben might have seen a bit too much of said discussion though.

Tanya and I have made a deal. I have to be sickeningly nice to everybody this evening amongst a variety of other things. I'm not sure how much we'll get away with but it'll be interesting, heh, very interesting.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

27th day of the 1st month

Stupid game. Stupid agreements.
Stupid bloody children.

The Darts Championship is rigged, either that or the mongbat hates me.
I can spend three months lining up the perfect throw only for the centre ring to have 'mysteriously' moved when the dart hits. It's a bloody conspiracy.

Tanya forced me into an agreement earlier on whilst corrupting my innocence, whereby I would kiss her every time she used the word 'please'. Tried to keep to it as much as possible but there's only so many times I can do that in public without me becoming very aware of the perverts in the room leering in.

She made me speak to Criofan at The Deer. Probably lost his favourite sheep or something. Either way I bought him half an ale to cheer him up.

http://aycu31.webshots.com/image/43550/2000726810090457157_rs.jpg

Francis stayed with his mother last night but Annie insisted upon coming home, screaming for what Lou described as 'seven hours' until I arrived. That has to be an exaggeration but you never know with Annie.

Francis was being a little git when I picked him up and brought him home this morning, even going so far as to punch Tanya so I packed his things and gave him back to Lou, indefinitely since that's apparently what he wants.

I'm not sure where to go from here. Obviously I want him back home but if he'd prefer to live with his mother than with Tanya and I then maybe it's better he stays there. The only way he sees it improving is if I move back in with his mother. Like that'll happen. He doesn't quite grasp that him 'being really good' isn't enough. I guess 'marriage' doesn't mean a whole lot to him. In that respect he really is a 'chip off the ol' block'. Heh, even slating myself doesn't make this feel any better.

Joy.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

28th day of the 1st month

I'm only two days into the week of weird kinky submissive sex-games that Tanya seems to have lined up and I'm already unable to look at a rolling pin in the same way.
I stupidly agreed the other day that for the duration of this week I would obey Tanya completely in the bedroom and to some extent outside of it. I did this jokingly as part of our ongoing 'experimentation'. However, she seems to have taken her role a little too seriously. I don't really mind what she makes me do, it's all a bit of fun right? And if it makes her feel like we're exploring new things together then that's fantastic but I do oddly enough draw the line at her attempting to lodge kitchen utensils up my back side. Thankfully it seems all I have to endure is a little humiliation in order for me to avoid some sort of bakery-esque violation.

http://aycu05.webshots.com/image/43364/2006172376701256255_rs.jpg


Hopefully should one of the children steal and read this again then all of the above will go completely over their heads. I don't really feel like answering questions on why Mummy's been chasing Daddy around the house in tight leather garments. Not that I'm complaining about said leather garments. Not complaining at all.

Anyway, I need a drink. My throat's gone a little dry.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

29th day of the 1st month

I'm cursed.
I couldn't possibly lose 'another' game of darts could I? I wasn't quite relying on Walker and Wilkes completely blowing our combined chance at beating the women but I suppose I compounded my misery by losing to Tanya yet again. I swear that mongbat hates me and I hope he realises I hate him just as much.
Did beat that random woman though. Although I'm not sure 'woman' is the right term to use, she could 'piss higher' than us after all.

http://aycu37.webshots.com/image/40636/2002659212073765508_rs.jpg

Raced Tanya home to salvage my male pride and succeeded only to be challenged to another type of 'race', which we drew. Neither of us were complaining though and neither of us complained about the results of the other three 'races' either.

Francis has apparently had a few incidents of 'man's business' since he moved in with his Mother. So I dropped by this morning to check on him, of course no visit to Louisa's is complete without leaving feeling incredibly guilty.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

30th day of the 1st month

Had a break-in last night.
Not sure who the little bastard was but Lily alerted me to him and I chased him out into the woods.
I found him sat on a log with his loot, which I promptly had him return to my possession.
Definitely going to ensure we have the windows bolted shut in future.

http://aycu09.webshots.com/image/40728/2003460278922184178_rs.jpg


Since he won't be able to steal from our place anymore, I directed him to a much better target for burglary, not that I should be encouraging his crimes. That said, it ought to be funny to see the results.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

31st day of the 1st month

Tanya and I had some shooting practice at the buttes this afternoon in preparation for the contest tonight.
Of course Tanya became way too competitive and upon her inevitable defeat stormed out in a huff.
Moody cow.

http://aycu35.webshots.com/image/40954/2003127744955165782_rs.jpg

I was far from impressed with my shooting though; if I maintain that sort of form this evening then it won't even take one of Ffion's screwjobs to shaft me out of the title race.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

1st day of the 2nd month

I suppose Ffion should be commended for the Sharpshooter Contest not being a blatant mockery of a fair competition. At least the way she cunningly manoeuvred Elanor Brook to the title was subtle, right?

I can't really complain that I was screwed out of the competition as I managed that myself with a worrying absence of accuracy.
I suppose it's to be expected - a lot has been going on lately. I'm certainly not slowing down. I'll leave that for the Olafs and Davens of this world.

http://aycu07.webshots.com/image/44126/2006072981597645229_rs.jpg

It seems the rebels are sodding about again. Apparently they've been nabbing vulnerable guardsmen and pilfering their uniforms. Now I know Celts are distinctly lacking in mental capacity but surely they've grasped how to make their own clothes? No.

Francis came home yesterday moaning that living with his mother wasn't as much fun as he had previously expected. Hell, even I knew that and most of my living with her consisted of rolling around in bed.
Ben was also in a mood though as apparently he had seen Louisa attempting to give me the kiss of life despite me being in no obvious peril. I've convinced him that it was all a misunderstanding and that Daddy would never do such a silly and underhanded thing.
He told me I shouldn't tell Tanya as he didn't want to see her cry. Well, whatever he thinks best...

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

2nd day of the 2nd month

Tanya's always been terrified of dogs, for as long as I've known her anyway.
It's sometimes a little frustrating to have to take a sudden diversion on a busy street purely because someone has their faithful pet plodding along towards us but for the most part I find her little phobia rather endearing.

It seems she wishes to cure it though, so today she dragged me along on some vain attempt to force her to face her fears.
Of course this being Tanya meant that her stubbornness coupled with her apparent terror of all things canine resulted in her storming off in annoyance at her complete lack of progress.
When I arrived home she'd locked Bullseye in our bedroom after he apparently 'chased' her inside.

http://aycu38.webshots.com/image/41957/2001895350952375366_rs.jpg


I might bring Bullseye along to the Darts Competition this evening to completely ruin her chances of winning.
It's probably against some sort of marriage vow or whatever but desperate times call for desperate measures.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

3rd day of the 2nd month

I've spent the best part of the last few months desperate for a Bullseye.
When I've needed it most I've managed to either miss the target completely or remove a piece of the mongbat's miniscule genitalia.
However, yesterday evening when I actually could have won with twenty points I batter the hell out of that winged bastard with a dart between the eyes.
He deserved it but I surely didn't deserve to be taunted in such a manner.
Lost 6-3 to Daelia though and I'm sitting pretty in 6th in the overall league tables.
I've already accepted that Tanya will finish above me despite my vain attempts at distracting her yesterday evening with the aid of Bullseye the Sausage dog.

http://aycu32.webshots.com/image/43111/2000121321970769221_rs.jpg

Anyway - Te'ani has her hearing this evening and we have the monthly "Halberd Give-away" at the Last Man Standing.
I cannot wait.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

4th day of the 2nd month

So Te'ani's guilty of High Treason.
Could've told you that myself without the need for an endless stream of evidence.

http://img412.imageshack.us/img412/112/trial01yp1.jpg

Most of the evidence discussed was previously known to me so for the most part I spent my time listening to the barbs being flung from the audience.
Far more interesting than listening to the seemingly infinite list of Lanoor's conquests.

http://img185.imageshack.us/img185/6523/trial02yf3.jpg

Tripps defeated Lumbard in the Last Man Standing and won the monthly halberd which I have still yet to find. It's in the Tradepost somewhere. You'd have thought something that size would be fairly easy to find.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

5th day of the 2nd month

I'm not sure what Wilkes' cattle fetish is but I'm slightly disturbed by his attempts to include the militia in his weird farmyard games.

Seems the rebels tried to poison us last night, Fraser and Eagle-eye spent most of the evening running back and forth between the woods and their stools (not those types of stools) in the tavern. Sent Helmgard up to investigate where the poisoned ale came from as apparently some 'monks from the Abbey' (very original!) donated it to The Deer.

http://aycu19.webshots.com/image/42538/2001103042101318562_rs.jpg


Lanoor was killed yesterday, which means I'll have to find another female victim for verbal abuse. With Nadia, Hiroko, Walsh and Foxe gone, Megumi and Swayne barely on active duty and Lanoor dead, I'm distinctly lacking a potential target. I can't target married women so that's Cordelia, Katrine, Floria and Tanya (She does the cooking and I don't want to end up doing a Fraser! Oh yeah and I love her and wouldn't want her to be the butt of my jokes, in case this is discovered) out of the equation.
I suppose I'll have to choose between Annwyn, Kathris, Verity and Ffion.
Two bitter middle-aged Markies and two dopey Waywatchers. Joy.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

6th day of the 2nd month

The Waywatchers chased us around the Orc Caves yesterday pretending to be orcs themselves. We had to eliminate five brutes whilst defending ourselves from the terrifying threat of Floria, Annwyn and Lucius! Gasp!

http://aycu10.webshots.com/image/43769/2003908276352621211_rs.jpg


Tanya was moody as hell yesterday evening and she couldn't even blame it on being pregnant. I came home to find the house looking like it would do if I lived alone!
The kids were practically killing one another and Annie was begging to go see her mummy which is something I've never seen in my life, or in hers.

After saving the world, or more specifically the household, I dropped the twins round to Louisa, obediently engaged in the customary snog-session and headed home having promised I'd come by some time today which I haven't had the opportunity to do due to an 'oh so busy' schedule.

Yeah I'm avoiding going round there, mainly because I don't really want this to turn into an affair but neither do I want her to disappear off with my children.
I've been in this situation about a dozen times before but I'll keep it ticking over for now. This is an incredibly skewed method of keeping everybody happy and I've been colourfully informed of that fact many times previously but in the short term it works wonderfully. In the long term it's doomed to Tanya finding out or Louisa expecting me to take it seriously.

Next she'll be wanting access to 'the buffet'. I'm not sure what I'll do should she be banging upon the dining room door. An 'appetiser' might keep her at bay for a short while but then usually with Lou offering her an appetiser leads to her demanding the entire five course meal and Tanya wouldn't want me 'cooking' for anyone else, least of all her arch-nemesis.
'Cooking' for both of them at once might be a possibility but somehow I don't see either of them buying that idea, unfortunately.

Tanya apologised for being so moody when I came home which made me struggle to fall asleep under the crushing weight of guilt, this coupled with the babies waking up every twenty seconds means I'm utterly knackered today. At least I can escape them by going to work, Tanya doesn't have that luxury.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

7th day of the 2nd month

Ugh, that was a lucky escape.
She showed up picnic basket in hand, having brought me some 'lunch' or as she added 'dinner' now, making a subtle hint in regards to my absence from the office. I guess she thinks all I do is sod around with paperwork all day.

Whatever it is with women and being in my office I will never know but they seem to have some uncontrollable urge to turn it into a den of sin.
I just about managed to fob her off and avoid completely and utterly breaking my vows to Tanya for another day.
She seemed a little ticked off that I was turning her down but I made up some nonsense about not wanting us to always leap into bed and wanting to spend more quality time with her which I think she believed.
I've been conned into visiting her at some point, I'm not sure when I'll brave that.

http://img339.imageshack.us/img339/3293/lounm9.jpg


Came home to find Tanya and Ben cooking in the kitchen and Annie upstairs asleep. It would seem Annie's being bullied and refuses to tell Tanya about it, that coupled with Tan having to see Lou makes for a less than pleasant atmosphere as I enter the family home.
Nipped over to visit Annie's teacher and flirted with her seemingly aimlessly as I had nothing to gain as she willingly explained to me the entire situation with Annie.
I'm turning back into a complete slag again. If Lanoor was still alive we could trade notes!

I'll write about the Boxing Tournament tomorrow.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

8th day of the 2nd month

So Young utterly brutalised Margera in the final of the Boxing Tournament after shocking Tripps and slapping Eagle-eye around in the first round.
The Rebellion rudely interrupted the tournament before it even had a chance to begin when Annwyn stumbled up to the roof and announced that some deer poachers were south west of the Keep.
Of course we investigated, killed one and the others fled, so we returned to more important matters, such as watching the men beat the tar out of each other.

The Besiegers were in fine, honourable form as usual in the fifth place play-off where after Lumbard finished off Eagle-eye he joined in and helped Fraser gang-beat Floria.

http://aycu36.webshots.com/image/44075/2005948213862824232_rs.jpg

I have to say I think they all looked really fetching in their ring-wear and it certainly seemed to even the competition up, even if it made things drag out a little longer that I'd hoped, straining my announcing and commentary to unnatural limits. There are only so many superlatives you can use for the most mundane of fights before you start to consider murdering the two combatants.

Anyway, I think I hear someone at the door.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

9th day of the 2nd month

Ahh.. guilt.

http://aycu24.webshots.com/image/41863/2002247565339916816_rs.jpg

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

10th day of the 2nd month

I know they say children grow up faster these days but I still think four and a half is too young to be considering having babies. As long as she maintains the belief that she can grow infants from seeds in a plant pot I think I'll avoid giving her a talking to.

http://img88.imageshack.us/img88/7489/tummynt8.jpg

I have the great pleasure of hosting the Champions Tournament tonight. I should really make sure all the equipment I ordered has arrived. Don't want to be running around like a numpty five minutes prior to the event with nothing to equip everybody in.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

11th day of the 2nd month

Can't rely on anybody these days, least of all the supposed favourites to win a Champions Tournament.
If we'd had to sell tickets to the final of yesterday evening's tournament I'm not sure how well Kain Raslo versus Buck Baines would have sold.
It'd be different for sure but not something that'll set Sosaria alight.

Either way Baines surprisingly beat Raslo two-nil only to have House D'Gar demand a different champion, with Lord D'Gar stepping in, giving Baines a kicking and taking the title for himself.

You can't make this stuff up! Next we'll be throwing a few metal chairs in and having fireworks go off when the combatants enter the arena.

http://img230.imageshack.us/img230/7344/championstournamentjv8.jpg

Tanya seemingly had suspicions regarding Lou and in a sudden unexpected burst of uncontrollable 'honesty' I told her that Lou had conned me into having an affair with her and it was all her fault the mean, nasty child-stealer.

Tanya visited her later and apparently told her to keep her hands off her husband, then left.
Now things are all hunky-dory again, which is cause for celebration in my book.
Of course this state of hunky-doryness will likely last only a few more hours until something even more ridiculously dramatic occurs. Such as discovering I'm pregnant or growing a third penis out of my left nostril.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

12th day of the 2nd month

I'm not one for public bathing and I'm even less willing to go for a soak in the middle of Stonekeep after yesterday evening.
Whatever the hell caused the water we were soaking our feet in to turn every unsavoury colour you can think of I don't want to speculate too much upon, however there were things swimming about in there that I'd prefer not to share my bathing time with.

http://aycu10.webshots.com/image/42849/2004994666116871990_rs.jpg

Wilkes is going to baby-sit the children soon we've agreed. If Wilkes survives the encounter he may well end up being a successful parent.
Of course the chances of him surviving are very much dependent upon the whims of Lily, Francis, Annie and Ben.
I wouldn't want to place my life in the hands of those four. I'll happily place Radek's in them though.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

13th day of the 2nd month

I think the lads need a little training in public relations, especially the older ones. Helmgard seems to think that the way to break news of a fellow's death to his widow is by hanging her before she has a chance to complain about our handling of the situation.

We found Percy the Farmer face down in the dirt whilst scouring the bowels of Despise. He might even have been breathing prior to Longshot dropping a pile of rocks on him, which Kevin claimed to be an earth elemental.
Poor bastard.

http://aycu05.webshots.com/image/42124/2000454941439200696_rs.jpg

D'Gar had us running about pretending to be members of two savage tribes.
I was lumbered with being Shaman of the Raven Tribe, a role that would see me try to enlighten and instruct High Chief Aiden. While great and wise, a Shaman is not a miracle worker.
However, we did construct a totem in honour of our glorious raven spirit, befitting his supposed great fertility.

Despite Raven Tribe's peaceful nature (read: distinct lack of decent tribal warriors) we triumphed over Llama Tribe, this was not through martial prowess though, more our cunning use of wit and ingenuity.

I now have a much greater challenge to undertake.
I must find a way to provide a perfect Valentine's Day for Tanya, whilst sneaking out to ensure Louisa is also satisfied without ending up naked and in serious breach of my marriage vows.
Then again, I haven't seen Lou since Tanya spoke to her, so I'm not sure where the hell I'm stood. Maybe I'll just pay a quick visit there tomorrow in the morning whilst 'working' to ensure that everything's swell. Or I could listen to common sense and avoid her like the plague.

Why do I bother? We all know that I'll end up there regardless.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

14th day of the 2nd month

You'd think by now that nothing could really surprise me. I've heard of many seemingly preposterous occurrences but no more so than the Celtic rebellion actively recruiting at Trinsic West Gate.
Apparently Irvyn has once again displayed his distinct lack of testicular fortitude and has signed Trinsic over to yet another foreign occupational force.
From Trinsic the rebels are attempting to recruit more men to their ever so noble cause; gutting and mutilating as many teenage Trainees as they can without having to face someone with any combat experience.
I can't understand what possible reason Trinsic have for allying themselves with yet another anti-loyalist organisation and whilst I'm aware that many Trinsicans have a penchant for odd sexual encounters, mutton penetration is surely stooping too low even for them.

http://aycu12.webshots.com/image/44691/2003583187855317650_rs.jpg


I did have the opportunity to smash my shield over a rebel's cranium though, which is always satisfying after a long day.
Anyway - today is Valentine's day and I need to sneak out for a spot of 'work'.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

15th day of the 2nd month

I need to find a better place to hide this bloody thing; I have a bad feeling that I've been rumbled.
Visited Lou this morning to check how things were. She told me what she said to Tanya, which pretty much consisted of her saying how she was still in love with me and didn't see that changing and how she'd tried numerous times to seduce me but I'd rejected her as I'm madly in love with Tanya.

I was incredibly surprised at that. The Louisa of old would have told her everything and lumped in a few strategically placed barbs to render the situation completely hopeless but I guess she's finally realising that even if that did happen I'd always end up back with Tanya, this is the only possible way she can ever have me in any capacity.

She even offered to have the children so that Tanya and I could be alone. I'll be visiting her later on as I promised her that today would be our 'special day'. I really shouldn't open my big mouth so often.

As I said before I have a horrible feeling that Tanya's been reading this log, she left a little note on top of it which I found upon my return home yesterday morning. If she has been reading it I can't quite understand why she's reacting the way she is but she's definitely checking up on me, why find the excuse to drop a second clue off at work if I'm already going to be there? She said she did that purely so as to avoid me having to head home to begin with so I'd arrive at the final destination more swiftly but I'm not so sure.
She then laid the guilt trip on really thick, apologising for not always trusting me and how she knows deep down that I'd never do anything again.
It's almost like she wants to see me squirm!

http://aycu35.webshots.com/image/44034/2001238996362971981_rs.jpg


Rose has taken to running around dressed up in a Waywatcher uniform pretending to be Floria again. I know it's probably too much to ask but I sometimes wish that my daughters would just stop masquerading as one another and get along. Heh and they wonder why I won't readily admit to them being mine. Ahh... the joys of twins.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

16th day of the 2nd month

I'm either growing insane with paranoia or Tanya's been reading my log and is aware of every movement.
Yesterday I came home to find my clothes dumped on the ground outside and the locks changed. It all seemed quite innocent once Tanya had explained what had occurred and how it was apparently nothing to do with me being an adulterous man-whore but I'm still dreading every minute I spend at home.

http://aycu19.webshots.com/image/43858/2005772267864959628_rs.jpg

Spent much of yesterday with Lou and again cunningly avoided a sexual encounter. Granted I ended up spending much of the meeting dressed in less than I had arrived in but the longer I can delay the inevitable the better.
I have no idea what I'm going to do when she finally puts her foot down. Run? Feign death?
I'll tell her I've recently started to suffer from impotence! Yeah!
Wait... no... she'll attempt to cure it herself.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

17th day of the 2nd month

What a bloody day.
Dragged the men to Trinsic in pursuit of the 'Painted Caves' which we only found thanks to a helpful trader directing me to the entrance. Found out that the rebellion have indeed been spotted sodding around in Trinsic garnering support.
Irvyn is also a wytch would you believe it? Yes, actually I would. Nothing surprises me anymore, least of all that Irvyn Middlethorne is something of a deamon summoner extraordinaire.

http://aycu35.webshots.com/image/42834/2001451142903877369_rs.jpg

The final of the Yewish Darts Championships was held with me languishing at the bottom with a pathetic 12 points prior to us beginning. However, I staged something of a shockingly epic comeback scoring five straight wins to find myself tied with Tanya at the climax on 27 points apiece.
This is when it all went rotten, with Tanya desperate to call it a draw.
Apparently every time she won she was greeted with silence and didn't want to have to endure the humiliation of me beating her in front of everyone for the second time that evening. At first I thought she was joking but it quickly became apparent that she was gravely serious.

I hadn't come all this way to draw. It was all or nothing but Tanya was adamant she wanted to tie.
So there am I stood in front of that cursed mongbat, his pointy little teeth grinning up at me in that little malicious bastard grin of his.
Tanya's sat there close to tears looking like this Darts Championship is a matter of life and death.
I know she's found it hard moving here from Trinsic, especially with the anti-Trinsican sentiment that anyone with half a brain can detect but I'm pretty sure that losing yesterday evening wouldn't have been as crushing as she believed.
That said I thought by launching the knife at the wall and consequently losing I was doing her a favour, a demonstration of my affection so to speak.
Evidently not.

http://aycu26.webshots.com/image/45505/2003982783437570003_rs.jpg

We came home, argued and Tanya went off to spew her guts out. I grabbed her and demanded to know why the hell she was doing that nonsense again and was greeted with the statement that "Maybe it's the only thing I can think of to do that will stop you going off with other women."
So she knows.
What happened after that I won't divulge here as I suspect certain little brats will likely be reading this again but I don't know what the hell's going on now.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

18th day of the 2nd month

So after a woeful Last Man Standing turnout, Derwyn attained this week's title, more through fluke and human error rather than overwhelming skill in my opinion but there you go.

The situation with Tanya hasn't deteriorated but I'm still bewildered as to what the situation actually entails.
She clearly knows about what has occurred but instead of angrily handing me an ultimatum she seems to have pushed it under the rug entirely and the relationship appears better than it has in a while.
Does she not care? Is she more concerned with salvaging our relationship through proving her worth to me over Louisa?
Either way despite our relationship apparently being 'wonderful' I dread each and every day.

http://img137.imageshack.us/img137/2764/lmsffionob5.jpg

Anyway - we've made arrangements prior to us heading to the tavern this evening, so I better get ready.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

19th day of the 2nd month

I thought she'd started to improve but as of late her progress has halted and even disintegrated.
Yesterday at the tavern was the final straw for the both of us I suppose. With Madsen making remarks as to Tanya's weight or lack of, I thought I'd be helpful and stupidly ordered a pie hoping she might eat a little, of course she didn't and even took offence to me offering her a carrot.

http://aycu22.webshots.com/image/43381/2003653248930399085_rs.jpg


She was fine whilst she was pregnant but as soon as they were out and about Tanya's diet gradually lessened.

I guess that's my fault, I hardly support her self-confidence when I'm running around behind her back with Lou. It's not as if this is the first time I've on some level betrayed her. She was hardly confident in herself and her appearance when I first met her but I've certainly not helped since.
She wants us to leave Yew and start again somewhere else but I'm not sure that's possible for a multitude of reasons. She thinks I want to stay for Louisa, surprisingly to even myself it's not the reason. I guess I feel I've put too much effort into establishing a life and career here to just up and leave when I don't see the location as the issue, more my infidelity.
Maybe it's time I stopped pretending to be some sort of teenage playboy and fixed things before they spiral out of control.
While Lou's in my life I'll always be a lapse in self-control away from making a huge mistake but then I'm not sure I can just walk away. In fact I know I can't which makes the entire situation hopelessly depressing and me incredibly weak. Then again, I've known that forever.

One thing is for sure though - I'm not moving, even though being a few hundred miles away from Louisa would make it a lot easier to forget about her and work on being that loyal, faithful husband I vowed I'd be.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

20th day of the 2nd month

It's odd.
Despite clearly knowing about Louisa, Tanya's not gone so far as to really mention it. In fact after I told her all about how Louisa was going to take the children away, she went to pick them up, then dropped them all off at Lou's anyway.
Then she came home and was desperate to go back to how things were, even going so far as to drag me off to the bedroom in the aftermath of our sit-down talk.

http://aycu33.webshots.com/image/43912/2002529526070821158_rs.jpg

It's strange to think that I actually wish she'd come out with it all, screaming and shouting at me but she hasn't. It bothers her I think but you wouldn't know it to look at her or judge by her behaviour.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

21st day of the 2nd month

Apparently Vesper are running some sort of slave labour outfit in Minoc, although yesterday when Wilkes lead us there in pursuit of the slavers and the liberation of their slaves we found none of the latter and only a disorganised rabble of Vesperian troops.
After we'd crushed them on their 'own turf' of what is now apparently 'West Vesper' we ventured home.
On the way back to the house I was lectured by a certain young lady on my treatment of her mother. I was in no mood for being moaned at by someone who wouldn't even have existed had I not 'treated' her mother very well, so I told the stupid little girl to go away.
I don't think I'm too popular with her right now but Lou said she'd talk to her and explain the situation. Great, more lecturing.

http://img156.imageshack.us/img156/8769/battletwatsfa5.jpg

As usual I'm the bloody villain but for now I'm too bleeding pissed off with interfering little cows to put my thoughts down in a constructive manner.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

22nd day of the 2nd month

As if we even needed to hold a contest to decide the superior sex. The male victory was decisive with the women only gaining points through Tanya's ridiculous bias.
I worry for the future of Yewish children with the female team washing their crockery in the crapper, yes, no joke. They had actually placed their plates into the poop-hole we provided in their bathroom.

http://aycu18.webshots.com/image/42897/2001951568797357508_rs.jpg

Tanya made some remark after reading my adultery centred question as part of the General Knowledge quiz, she queried whether I was "looking for more excuses". She said she was joking when I pulled her up on it at home, she clearly wasn't but I'm not going to probe deeper in case it causes some sort of argument.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

23rd day of the 2nd month

I'm surrounded by idiots.
Idiots who allow themselves to be captured and idiots who do nothing when the other idiots are captured.
I am clearly the only competent person left in existence.

http://aycu03.webshots.com/image/43442/2004457662086995777_rs.jpg


I will never forgive Floria or Tanya for placing me in the position I found myself yesterday evening.
I may have eventually submitted to Tanya's desperate sobbing and cuddled her but I am still absolutely bloody livid.

Idiots.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

24th day of the 2nd month

I don't have a clue what all the fuss was about last night, or why D'Gar had suddenly ordered the men to guard whatever was in this mysterious chest, either way there was a whole load of weird nonsense going on, including pizza, sausage and gold trails that lead through the forest. I'm assuming these were left by those desperate to get inside the Citadel but they never went for me, which was lucky really as I wasn't carrying a key nor would I have been best pleased over a greedy little thief trying to accost me.

http://aycu16.webshots.com/image/46095/2004571691664521140_rs.jpg

According to Ben, Tanya had been crying yesterday although she thought none of them had caught her doing so.
I don't know really - I'm still annoyed that Tanya was captured to begin with but it wasn't her fault, nor was it the fault of any of the other Waywatchers really. I suppose I'm looking for people to blame when in reality the fault lies with me for being in a position that makes those around me targets.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

25th day of the 2nd month

So again Walker wins a Last Man Standing, despite it being on the unfamiliar ground of New Haven.
Walker really needs to cease in his ridiculous domination of the competition, whilst I prefer him to win it than certain other annoying imbeciles it's surely not conducive to the maintenance of the illusion that anybody can win.
Of course not just anyone can win, you usually require a good covering of armour, a few friends and a lot of luck but anyone not dumb enough to have figured that out isn't likely to win anyway.
I'm not sure what my point is there, I suppose the fatigue is taking its toll.

http://aycu04.webshots.com/image/44843/2004220707308054951_rs.jpg


Apparently some children have been threatening to kill Annie in her sleep. She refuses to go to bed now and we found her camped outside Lily's bedroom last night.
I think I'll find out who these children are and make them orphans, or at least threaten those consequences unless this bullying ends immediately.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

26th day of the 2nd month

So Tanya wants another.
I had thought the joke we shared about nine being an odd number to end it was just that: a joke.
Evidently not.
I'm fine with having another but it might be nice to actually catch a full night's sleep prior to being brutally sleep-deprived for another eighteen months, as Tanya gets up every two minutes to take a piss then gives birth and the crude cycle of being woken up by one screeching infant who triggers the shrieks of his or her twin begins again.
Dear Lord that just made me think - what if we had yet another set of twins?
No, no deity could be that cruel.

http://aycu20.webshots.com/image/46219/2005508514748665102_rs.jpg

Apparently 'The Relic' was stolen yesterday evening. No doubt heads will roll until it is recovered.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

27th day of the 2nd month

Ooh my head.

I believe yesterday (although I could be wrong, my recollection is blurred) evening I tested the investigative and lying abilities of the Militia through 'roleplay'. Apart from Olaf's investigating which consisted of trying to burn anyone who so much as dressed badly I think it went vaguely well.
I had planned to do a number of similar games but ultimately everyone made the first one drag out so long that it more than filled the hour I had intended for that genre of game.

http://aycu14.webshots.com/image/45853/2006165165455179278_rs.jpg


Either way - they accused the wrong person of the crime, opting for Edward (Floria) instead of the actual culprit Cady O'Reilly (Amie) although I shouldn't really be surprised, this lot have an unfortunate habit of accusing and executing the wrong person, especially Helmgard.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

28th day of the 2nd month

It was probably a bad idea to write in this whilst hammered. It's amazing that I managed to spell anything correctly.

Rhoen dropped by yesterday and Tanya thought it would be a good idea if he and I took the opportunity to do some 'male bonding'.
I don't know what that entails but usually the only way I can stand being around a member of the same sex is by being rat-arsed.

http://aycu17.webshots.com/image/44016/2000595413756640719_rs.jpg

It was a little awkward to start off with but once the booze started flowing we both relaxed and found common ground in bagball and women.
Then again we both already knew that about each other. Rhoen suggested going whoring later in the evening and whilst that was very much a tempting offer I decided I had enough problems without adding to them.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

29th day of the 2nd month

What a little git.
Tanya was cooking with the children this afternoon and Francis seemingly escaped the kitchen undetected (either that or Tanya's conspiring with the children against me) then hurled a muffin at me whilst I was minding my own business and reading reports.

http://aycu01.webshots.com/image/44080/2004749953224012550_rs.jpg


It just goes to show I can never let my guard down I suppose, especially when I'm off-duty and at home.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

1st day of the 3rd month

Granted I was a little harsh on Tanya, I wasn't in a particularly good mood when I came home after being mouthed off at by both Louisa and then little Miss Interfering Cow herself.

Tanya thought it was time she confronted me over my supposed 'affair' and started threatening that she'd leave and take the children with her. Ordinarily that'd be enough to sit up and take notice but I'd damn well had enough of women taking advantage of my leniency.

http://aycu09.webshots.com/image/47048/2000068686115907500_rs.jpg


I'm still not sure where we stand but Tanya's learned her place. I guess if I ever have to get my way I merely have to lay down the law. Never thought Tanya would be that much of a pushover, Lou for sure but Tanya? Intriguing.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

2nd day of the 3rd month

See this is why normally whenever someone suggests venturing to the 'Pass of Karnargh' I laugh in their stupid little idiot faces.
Of course now I'm the stupid little idiot because I actually decided clearly during a moment of insanity that we'd go there.
Now I feel like I've been beaten to a pulp by every undead beast this side of the grave I can see that it was not my finest moment of tactical thinking.

http://aycu09.webshots.com/image/44248/2003097636016353253_rs.jpg


Tanya was being odd on the way home from the massacre after meeting Siuan, jealous or something probably. Of what I won't ask, I'll just ignore it and hope it goes away. I have bigger issues to deal with such as maybe explaining to my daughter that when I said I regretted conceiving her I was in fact possessed by some sort of demon.
That's the only possible way I can see myself getting out of this one.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

3rd day of the 3rd month

There's nothing quite like a Last Man Standing to reassure you that the world hasn't actually gone to pot, as long as everybody teams up against the greatest threats and someone completely undeserving or completely dominating wins out and captures the title I'm satisfied.

http://aycu36.webshots.com/image/45035/2003526520932922106_rs.jpg

Everything's beginning to settle down on a personal level.
No that's a complete and utter lie but sometimes ignorance or self-delusion is bliss.
I suppose in that respect I can sympathise with Tanya.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

4th day of the 3rd month

If I were to say that I feel a little 'rough' today I don't think that adjective would cut it. I've taken beatings from Balrons which consisted of being continually dropped on my head for the best part of an hour and have felt in a better state of health than I do today.

Yesterday we went to The Deer as ever and were forced to endure Raslo and Helmgard's nostalgic reminiscing but I'm pretty sure that's not what caused my ill-health. Reebdoog's probably been taking after barkeepers of old and started relieving himself in more ways than one in my drinks after I take the piss out of him.
I don't really want to dwell too much more on that.

http://aycu25.webshots.com/image/47304/2003266556695267223_rs.jpg

Tanya feels threatened, again.
I explained to her that there was absolutely nothing to even remotely worry about and she seemed momentarily satisfied with that but you can tell she trusts me about as much as I trust myself.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

5th day of the 3rd month

Never bring your work home with you. I mean that in the most literal sense.
Especially when you have children who delight in sabotaging everything and anything within their reach.

Finding Francis snipping away at the cloth you're keeping at home for what you have planned this evening is not exactly what I was hoping to see when I walked in this afternoon. It never ceases to amaze me just how easily that child manages to find mischief. I know I was pretty poorly behaved as a child but Francis just takes the piss.

http://aycu26.webshots.com/image/44985/2001087744436159706_rs.jpg

I'm supposed to be running something this evening but what? For the most part I have no clue and it'll be down to improvisation to save the day. Who am I kidding? Everything I do is on impulse. Doing something constructive at once is better than figuring out the best thing to do hours later. At least that's what I keep telling myself.
I have cloth and a bag of clothes the children use for dressing up.
Aha!

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

6th day of the 3rd month

If I'm ever forced to watch a Militia stage-production again it'll be too bloody soon.
Granted, I actually willingly subjected myself to this unusual form of torture yesterday evening, completely unsuspectingly. Being a fantastic but incredibly inexperienced actor myself I stupidly thought that a similar level of ability could be found within each and every guard if it were just given an opportunity to blossom.

I was wrong.

http://aycu16.webshots.com/image/47335/2005623690821930874_rs.jpg


I had promised a referral to the Britannian School of Theatre for the winners but I think the only thing I'll be writing is a desperate warning to the doormen at said Academy with a description of the five culprits (D'Gar, Floria, Alexander, Kain and Holly) and instructions to refuse them entry at all costs.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

7th day of the 3rd month

I suppose my discomfort yesterday evening was on some levels lessened by the opportunity to stare down Louisa's cavernous cleavage, however were I to make myself more morally uncomfortable I could easily have access to said cleavage and other assets at any time.

http://aycu37.webshots.com/image/47796/2005380444855582197_rs.jpg

It's nothing huge though is it? I was only sat in the tavern we met in twenty odd years ago, which sparked an on and off twenty year love affair which has resulted in four illegitimate children and my current wife feeling constantly inferior in comparison.
It's not like I slept with her or anything. Just stared at her boobs, had her shove her tongue down my throat and her hand into my underpants.
But nothing I need to feel really guilty about when I cuddle up with Tan this evening.
I'm still the 'embodiment of marital fidelity'. It's not like I slept with her or anything.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

8th day of the 3rd month

So there's a distinct absence of athletes in Yew. We have Wilkes getting beaten by Daelia in a blooming log toss and Verity getting too drunk on the first hurdle of downing a bottle of ale to complete the remainder of the course in anything resembling a respectable time.

Team Pie crushed Team Clueless and Team Bun yesterday evening, with Walker's power and Daelia's cunning footwork being more than a match for the other utterly abysmal teams.

http://aycu33.webshots.com/image/45352/2004930963469436550_rs.jpg

At first it looked like I was going to have to compete on Verity's team. A horrifying situation made even worse by Tanya forcing me to hold Verity's hand during a race. However, I found a way out when Wilkes stupidly showed his face and unfortunately found himself on Team Bun with Sands.
Poor Wilkes, I'm pretty sure he could have gained more points on his own.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

9th day of the 3rd month

I suppose I deserve for her to be this annoyed at me but I think we're part way to patching it up.

http://aycu05.webshots.com/image/45164/2001144299079199144_rs.jpg

It was all going so well after an eventful day, with Tanya and I 'making up' whilst in bed, only for someone to knock on the door.
For some reason Louisa's room at the Abbey had been double-booked and she had no-where to stay. I suggested letting her sleep in the Tradepost but Tanya would have none of it because apparently that's 'our place'. So instead Lou stayed in Annie's room and I was subjected to Tanya making as much noise as is physically possible during our attempts to conceive yet another child.
I don't know really - I suppose it's too much to ask for the two of them to co-exist amicably, the catty remarks flung by Tanya in Lou's direction this morning were probably deserved but I couldn't help but smile when Louisa finally threw one back and left Tanya muttering. I shouldn't be enjoying it but oddly enough I can't help it at times.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

10th day of the 3rd month

I really don't want to go to The Deer this evening, in fact were it possible for me to pull a sickie to avoid it I would but Tanya's not stupid enough to fall for that.
Tanya told me to invite Louisa along to the tavern this evening as she doesn't know many people and it would do her good to get out.
This is clearly just an attempt to either humiliate Louisa or make me squirm.
Of course Lou being Lou can't abide being outdone especially by 'her' and has risen to Tanya's bait.

http://aycu01.webshots.com/image/44920/2002796544129814645_rs.jpg

It'll all end in tears. I'll bet Lily on a very negative outcome arising from tonight's proceedings.
I'm not sure what lesson I'll learn from this other than to keep it in my pants but I can be sure it'll be a very painful one.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

11th day of the 3rd month

Well, that went pretty much as expected. Although Tanya seemed to really not expect Lou to rise to the challenge and all of that could have been avoided. I could go on about how pathetic they're both being but that would be transferring the blame from where it belongs - squarely upon my shoulders.
Here I am married to a woman who has done absolutely nothing to warrant me frolicking around behind her back. Here I am stringing along another who for some bizarre reason, after twenty odd years still loves me to the point that she puts up with me endlessly breaking promises, treating her like dirt and breaking her heart just because I'm too much of a coward to finally decide one way or another.

http://aycu14.webshots.com/image/46213/2005018410073350916_rs.jpg

This isn't the first time I've been torn between two women and have endlessly invented numerous excuses as to why I'm seeing them both or carrying on the way I am, even going so far as to believe said excuses myself but there is no excuse in this situation, not a plausible one anyway.

I'm married to Tanya and I love her dearly and I'll never give that up but then on the other hand Louisa was my first love who I cannot willing give up either.
It's not fair to either of them, for their dedication and their loyalty I've rewarded them with endless cases of heartbreak and adultery, broken promises and untruths and I suppose what really casts me in the role of the despicable villain is that I'm too much of a coward to ever their torture myself.
Tanya's taken to not mentioning the entire situation and Louisa's happy to continue this supposed 'affair' as it is, from a purely selfish perspective I have absolutely no reason to stop being such a tit.
The only way this will ever end is if one of them makes the decision to finish it one way or another. I never want to have to look back and know it was my doing.
Then again, in that respect it will always have been my doing from day one and I know it.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

12th day of the 3rd month

I'm still in shock from the result of the relay race this evening.
How the hell did a team consisting of myself, Kain Raslo and Floria beat two Besiegers and Wilkes?
Now I know none of the other three are particularly quick anywhere outside of the bedroom but surely they should be able to beat a team cursed with a lumbering oaf of an old man in Raslo and a sloth-like Waywatcher who's too busy worrying about getting muddy to break out of anything more than a canter.

Of course they made up for this unexpected victory by losing the next two individual events only to be dug out by my awe-inspiring greatness as we salvaged a deserved draw.

http://aycu02.webshots.com/image/46481/2000823818655676890_rs.jpg

The rest of the evening is vaguely sketchy but I remember a great deal of shooting, bashing, maiming and chasing. So nothing remotely out of the ordinary for me, either at work or at home.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

13th day of the 3rd month

I can't remember the last time I visited the Swaggers and ended up knee-deep in women's underwear.
And unfortunately that didn't really occur yesterday either, despite having to rifle through three separate bedrooms in search of the missing 'Relic'.

http://aycu28.webshots.com/image/49107/2005705854683564407_rs.jpg

Tanya's been mummying me a little at home again, no scratch that. Not 'mummying' more spoiling me and making sure my every whim is catered for. It's a little odd to say the least and she still hasn't brought up the nonsense from Monday again.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

14th day of the 3rd month

So it would seem Tanya's dragging me away on some sort of prolonged torture with the children.

http://aycu39.webshots.com/image/46718/2004172750577039185_rs.jpg

I should be more enthusiastic I know but I really do despise taking time off work and going away for the length of time she's talking about (a week!) is pretty intimidating.
Plus there's the whole issue of being able to afford it. I know we save as much as we can but knowing my life's penchant for the unexpected, I always like to have a little tucked away for that unplanned pregnancy or house repair and I'm not too keen on blowing that on a week away which will inevitably lead to another money-consuming child.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

15th day of the 3rd month

I'm supposed to be taking a patrol out in a couple of minutes but I have no idea where to.
I fancy beating the hell out of something ridiculously big but not overly tough, so the feeling of accomplishment is still fairly substantial without walking away feeling like I've been sat on by Verity.

http://aycu36.webshots.com/image/45515/2004382327246977838_rs.jpg


Anyway, Tanya's been nagging me for the date I've decided we can go away on. I've looked at the calendar and randomly chosen Tuesday. I'm not sure why but I had nothing planned for Tuesday so why not?
Hopefully we'll be back before the end of the week, I'm not sure I can cope without any sort of break from them for more than a few days.
That sounds really terrible doesn't it? I'm going to have to go home now and read them all lots of stories and feel so guilty that I get roped into numerous other stories as well.
Oh wait - I'm not going home at all am I? I'm leading this patrol.
Great. I'm sure the guilt will wear off amongst the knocks to the head.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

16th day of the 3rd month

I have to say that's the first time I've walked (read: run) away from an encounter with a golden Lich Lord and not had to pick myself up from the ground half a dozen times.
After raiding and annihilating the cyclopean camp we moved to crush the growing undead threat in the area, unfortunately after we'd handed out a few beatings to deadites the boss man rode on into town and sent us scurrying back to the moongate. We'd almost made it too but Tripps finally succumbed to the power of the golden toss-pot in the canyon only fifty yards or so from the sanctuary of the blue portal.

http://aycu02.webshots.com/image/45841/2003223562342118168_rs.jpg

I almost wish the bastard had gotten me, I'm sure an eternity of torture as an undead thrall would have been preferable to the domestic mayhem I was forced to endure at home.
Francis wants Louisa to come away on holiday with all of us and you can well imagine how Tanya reacted to such a notion.
Of course it's all my fault no matter what I say or do.
I've clearly been putting ideas in the boy's head because I just 'love' torturing myself don't I?

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

17th day of the 3rd month

So we're going away tomorrow, although the chosen destination still eludes me.
Tanya's kept it very quiet and I've given up trying to persuade her to tell me.
Yesterday I ran the Last Man Standing and was thoroughly unimpressed with the attitude of certain individuals in our beloved Militia. From Besiegers who're too cowardly to face down a couple of archers, to Marksmen who think it's acceptable to stand there and fling barely veiled abuse at my wife whilst I'm watching.

http://aycu17.webshots.com/image/47656/2002954408164855786_rs.jpg

I'm actually quite glad we're going away tomorrow, at least it'll give me a much needed break from the idiots polluting Yew these days, even if said break is causing me even more grief on a personal level.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

18th day of the 3rd month

Having to resort to playing 'I Spy' is not quite how I'd seen our evening at The Deer being spent.
I suppose all those days playing that damn game with Lily and Annie has paid off, picking the most obscure and ambiguous object really does work.

http://aycu37.webshots.com/image/48236/2004824859448685162_rs.jpg


Anyway - as I write this we've just left Yew aboard a ship destined for Skara Brae. Apparently Tanya wants us to have our own memories there so when I think of Skara I don't just think of Lou and bollocks speaking foreigners. Seemingly Ben being born there isn't memory enough and I now have to survive a good few days surrounded by malodorous cheese-eaters.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

23rd day of the 3rd month

Well apart from Francis wanting to come home and see his mummy earlier than planned, I think the few days away was actually a good idea and quite successful.
We started out in Skara Brae, which the children enjoyed having wide open spaces to frolic about in. Which is odd as we're not short of those in Yew.
I suppose the fresh air and opportunity to run around after having been cooped up aboard a ship for ages was reason enough.

After a day in Skara we moved on to Moonglow and spent the remainder of our relaxing break there.
Everyone seemed to have fun, including Tanya and whilst Francis may have begged us to come home early so he could see his mother (which we did) everyone's still in high spirits after a few days away, including Tanya.
I'm very surprised by how well things went, which only means things are destined to turn sour.

http://aycu02.webshots.com/image/48561/2005881066043109889_rs.jpg


Checked the lads for lice yesterday evening which ended with Kain going bald, as well as Tripps and Criofan muttering away about irritated scalps.
All because Tripps and Raslo stupidly put twice the number of crushed black pearls into the mixing bowl that they were supposed to. It apparently makes all the difference!

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

24th day of the 3rd month

Tripps has won two Last Man Standings in a row now. I don't know why that's worthy of a mention here but it's about the only note-worthy thing to have occurred yesterday, at least to me.

http://aycu28.webshots.com/image/47587/2002944709894463912_rs.jpg

That's what I'm reduced to. I'm writing about two consecutive wins. Two.

Oh I did write a short poem today to ease my boredom but I've lost it now so I can't even include it.
What an exciting life I lead at the moment!

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

25th day of the 3rd month

So here we are sitting in the aftermath of another evening of low-brow entertainment and conversation. It seems no matter what we discuss we always find ourselves sloshing about in the gutter.

http://aycu13.webshots.com/image/49212/2005348227920064035_rs.jpg


Came home to find Louisa sat at the table, flanked by Lily who was scribbling on paper. Not quite the sight I was expecting. It seems Floria had run off to the healers (something to do with severe stomach pains) and Lou had been drafted in to watch over the sprogs.
This didn't exactly go down well with Tanya.
Dropping Francis back to his mother today, which reminds me I better check if the little git is ready to go.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

26th day of the 3rd month

Came home from dropping Francis off yesterday to be told that Lily had run off shortly after I'd left.
Apparently Tanya had seen her walking southwards, so I hurried down to the Keep and looked around.
Eventually Raslo appeared with Lily over his shoulder. I don't really understand what happened as I didn't quite take the time to listen to Lily's story and instead opted to shout at her for giving her mummy and I a fright.
She said she'd gone out looking for me because Mummy was crying and she wanted me to see so I'd stop making her cry.

http://aycu39.webshots.com/image/47278/2000469619579138873_rs.jpg

I'm well aware I didn't exactly handle the entire situation well. I must be losing my touch, or maybe the stress of trying to maintain this... well whatever it is has taken its toll. Either way, for Lily to be noticing things aren't quite right (and Lily has to be one of the most self-absorbed children ever) then they really must be severe.

Can't believe Lily apologised for me melting Raslo's hair though.
I set her straight about that one.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

28th day of the 3rd month

I took the plunge, literally.

http://aycu04.webshots.com/image/50403/2005476579760958562_rs.jpg

I'm such a stupid idiot, why did I go to that bloody inn room? I may have been somewhat under the weather for the last couple of days but I can't put this down to any illness other than madness.

Anyway, I need to get my head straight as Tanya and I are supposed to be putting together the finishing touches for this event tomorrow, I wonder if she'll notice how blatantly distracted I am.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

30th day of the 3rd month

So I'm currently hiding in the office from Tanya's relatives.
Her cousins Miranda and Genevieve burst onto the scene only a couple of hours ago, wedding invite in hand for Genevieve's impending wedding.
That wasn't so bad, however Tanya's managed to get us roped into who knows how many 'family gatherings', with them already having invited themselves over for the evening.

Anyway - yesterday Tanya made everyone play a giant form of 'Battleships' which consisted of two teams trying to sink or save battleships (crates.)

http://aycu20.webshots.com/image/50899/2005458162635923742_rs.jpg


Of course, the game ended in a draw as Tanya hadn't thought through how a team would score a decisive victory. I'll put this down to her always inventing ways and rules in the children’s games that see everyone walk away a winner and ultimately lead to less tantrums and sulks.
That sort of attitude doesn't quite translate into this environment but I'll let her off.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

31st day of the 3rd month

Orcs aren't the brightest creatures but I think the one yesterday that we apprehended whilst it tried to kidnap Lady D'Gar and burn down the tavern was plumbing new depths.
He tried to set fire to the cell he was in.
I don't know why and quite frankly I'm not sure he even knew why, the idiot.

http://aycu20.webshots.com/image/48539/2004008192653107170_rs.jpg


Longshot won the Last Man Standing to put an even sourer note on a bad day. He won three muffins and a plate too. Should've had the foresight to poison the bastard muffins.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

1st day of the 4th month

So Francis comes bounding into our bedroom this morning shouting "My bedroom window is broken!" Now I'll admit he got me. I'd just woken up and forgotten what the date was and I was had.
Got him back though by informing him that Annie had been telling all his friends about his so called 'man's business'.
That stopped him laughing. Little sod.
He started crying of course so I had to tell him it wasn't true but for the few moments where his laughing abruptly ended and his smile faded it was worth it.

Yesterday we had the tavern evening outside on the road, which wasn't actually that bad for once. Slipped in a few insults and had a reasonably potable 'Kaboom' so it was vaguely enjoyable for me at least.

http://aycu27.webshots.com/image/48426/2000900937265667320_rs.jpg


Tanya embarrassed herself at the end of the evening but that in itself is nothing spectacularly new, bless her.

I'm trying to find a plausible excuse to avoid going to this wedding but to no avail. I for the life of me can find no reason as to why I would want to spend an entire day watching two people I don't know getting married, other than to get Tanya off my back about it.
I suppose that's motivation in itself. Not very good motivation but it's all I've got.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

2nd day of the 4th month

It's one crisis after a-bleeding-nother these days.
First Magincia now Moonglow. Granted I was never particularly fond of either city but it seems a little extreme for them to be destroyed.
Those bloody demons have made an appearance again which seems to suggest this buggery has something to do with the Magincia hoo-hah.

http://aycu01.webshots.com/image/50920/2004489665090638752_rs.jpg


Anyway, I've been informed that The King's Deer is nearing completion after its latest refurbishment and they've even opened the doors.
I don't think much of the artwork to be honest but I think they've captured Daelia's likeness very well.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

7th day of the 4th month

I've broken free!
From being stuck inside tending to sickened children to being dragged to a wedding that never occurred I've not exactly had much time to myself lately, whether that be to work or simply just to exist in an environment that doesn't involve being vomited upon.

Anyway, yesterday evening I once again subjected myself to the sub-standard culinary delights of the Guardsmen Militia.
I don't know why I do this to myself, I'm always seemingly one bite away from death which could be attributed to sheer disgust at the ingredients people use, or the fact that people can't quite time-manage effectively and you end up looking at piece of bright pink meat nestled atop a heap of rock-hard noodles.

http://aycu11.webshots.com/image/51530/2002669846652094004_rs.jpg

Fraser won the amazing halberd after contesting a Besieger final three. Good for him.
Anyway, I need to start planning the next string of devious board games.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

8th day of April

Tanya was given some herbal remedy recently to encourage her appetite, however we've both noticed a number of unexpected side-effects such as causing her to repeat at length entire portions of her speech from days previously.

http://img338.imageshack.us/img338/5746/astupidtaverneveningro2.jpg


After yet another outburst in The Deer we've decided to pursue other avenues, ones that don't lead to uncontrolled shouts of "HIT! MISS! ANNWYN!"
I'm a very tolerant person but I'm not sure I could have stood much more of her waking up in the middle of the night and shouting "BOOM!" at the top of her voice.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

9th day of the 4th month

So the meeting was fairly productive.
I've ordered a fresh batch of newly designed Top Trumps decks to be printed, including my witty little character descriptions emblazoned upon them.
Sineal has requested his own card but I'm not sure we could capture his true likeness, after all there isn't an 'Obesity' factor.

http://img301.imageshack.us/img301/8813/commandmeetingeu8.jpg

Ended up going fishing with Francis, Annie and Lou yesterday morning before work. I hadn't exactly planned on it but Louisa guilt-tripped me into joining them.
It was quite 'pleasant' really and it was nice to spend time with the twins where I wasn't forced to divide my attention between them and four others.

Anyway - I have to go try on my costume for tonight's board game.
Can't believe I've been roped into wearing this, surely I'm intimidating enough without the need for a big, scaly, newt costume.

- Dart

P.S. There's no way in hell I'm wearing this.

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

10th day of the 4th month

Right, that's the last board game I'm running... until I decide upon some workable rules for 'Zombies!!'

Fraser won eventually after gathering five pieces of meat for the hungry dragon who spent most of his time chasing Kyra around the board and munching on Radek's leg.
I decided to use Benjamin's dragon toy in the end as the idea of dragging around a small stuffed lizard bothered me less than dressing up in some overly constrictive dragon outfit.

http://img355.imageshack.us/img355/2378/dragonsaahcf9.jpg

Wilkes was a little over-enthusiastic and matters were made worse when I allowed him to move the dragon.
Numpty.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

11th day of the 4th month

Well, that's certainly the last time I drag the men around in an attempt to protect a bunch of taintlings.
Everybody present (bar us) was seemingly a sandwich short of a picnic and seemed to think it was normal to require such a massive escort for one bloke and a couple of golden swords.
The opposing force spent much of their time proving themselves tactically inept and blowing their opportunities, whilst our supposed allies ran around screeching broken Britannian and exploding at random intervals.

http://img177.imageshack.us/img177/3159/feluccafz6.jpg


I gave the line to Tripps once we made it back to Yew and he set about having us work on formations and teamwork, which worked quite well until I got lumbered with Fraser, whose idea of teamwork seems to consist of neglecting to aid you and then when you really need help blasting you over the head with a mace, thrice.
We then ended up in the tavern, Tanya joked (I hope) about Louisa taking over The King's Deer as we seem to lack effective management in that neck of the woods, luckily Tripps and Wilkes wandered in and saved me from another evening of not-so-subtle remarks.

Of course, I hadn't escaped torture as someone stupidly mentioned The Pole Arms. Tanya blew her top at this point, describing the place as if it were where the Guardian himself hangs out.
I tried to change the subject by talking about babies which is hardly my most favoured topic in the world but she was having none of it and denounced Tripps and Wilkes as disgraceful.
It calmed down eventually, especially when the Trainee entered the building and we began teasing her, to which Tanya just shook her head and smiled.

It goes without saying that it's rag week in the Dart household and I suppose I can only be glad that the girls haven't quite reached that stage, otherwise I would be well and truly fuddled.
Synchronised blobbing is not something I think I could cope with.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

12th day of the 4th month

So the decks are issued, the games are being played and the legends are being forged.
I seem to have ended up with the worst deck ever, I have every bloody mediocre to bad card in existence.

http://img503.imageshack.us/img503/1334/trumpytoodooeu3.jpg

Sineal was the first person to beat three different opponents and I've now had his 'Sineal Walker' card drawn up as a prize. It won't be going to him obviously, so I think I'll give it away at tomorrow's Last Man Standing.

The five new basic cards and two Empowerment cards are ready for release too, so all that remains is to hand them out.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

13th day of the 4th month

I'm exhausted. Despite finishing reasonably early yesterday because I was knackered, Lily decided that me being home before her bedtime was because I wanted to play.
Before I know it we're well past my bedtime, let alone hers and Tanya's zonked out downstairs, then of course the babies wake up and refuse to go back down until the ungodly hours of the morning, an hour and a half after Lily and Annie bound in and leap onto our bed.
Tanya and I managed to send them away and told them to play quietly upstairs so we managed about an hour more before the babies again grow bored of sleeping and decide to make their presence felt.

http://www.grd-europa.co.uk/Log%20Images/13.04.08.JPG


So as you can imagine I'm feeling incredibly fresh and ready to go.
I did manage to win all three games of Top Trumps yesterday though, which I suppose was helped by Tanya deliberately losing our match so as not to damage my ego, ironically enough about the only person in the world (bar the children... I suppose) who I don't mind losing to.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

14th day of the 4th month

So Lily wants her little friend Nathan to stay over.
It's not up for discussion at all in my view, there's no way Lily's having a boy staying over, especially when said boy is often heard talking with Francis about breasts and every other decent part of the female anatomy.

http://img519.imageshack.us/img519/8757/insultscardsandstandingva5.jpg


Had them all insulting one another yesterday to ensure they were all vocally exercised in preparation for the Last Man Standing, I put two speciality cards up for grabs, which resulted in Wilkes winning the 'Sineal Walker' card and oddly enough Sineal ended up winning the 'Radek Wilkes' card, they both swapped, which was bound to happen anyway.
I might add a little Empowerment card such as 'Drawn curtains' that when put into play against the Radek Wilkes card decreases all his statistics by 30.
I'm not sure how that would work but I think it would be a fantastic way to completely nullify his card.
Perhaps a 'Narrow doorway' card for Sineal.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

15th day of the 4th month

It's been a busy day gathering all those resources for the Garrison.
Barely had time to reflect upon yesterday, which was equally busy in some respects.
Spent a lot of time at The Deer and then ended up at home being ordered to 'babyfy' Tanya.

http://www.grd-europa.co.uk/Log%20Images/15.04.08.JPG

...So I did.

Tanya's convinced me to let Lily have Nathan stay over.
I'm really not happy about it and knowing I'll be proved right about him is oddly enough no consolation.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

16th day of the 4th month

So Moonglow was a little dead.
Or at least it was whilst the majority of us were awake.
Of course as soon as people started to retire to their bedrolls, activity picked up and we were suddenly fighting off the luminous hordes with sticks.

Ended up commandeering the bunkhouses outside of Moonglow for Militia use, which meant Tanya and I had to share some stupidly small bed. It's alright for her, being tiny and all but every time I moved I was either on the verge of falling out or close to breaking the damn thing.

http://www.grd-europa.co.uk/Log%20Images/16.04.08.JPG

Got harrassed by some odd red-head out by Arduin Field yesterday, she then followed me to Stonekeep and asked for her bustier back.
I bet she thought that was hilarious. Funnily enough she didn't find the prospect of me burning her for being an elf so comical, it got rid of her anyway and she was obviously guilty of something as the threat of burning her for being an elf despite her not actually being an elf caused her to run away rather quickly. Stupid non-elves.

Anyway, I have a long list of things we'll be doing tonight in Moonglow in the event of it being just as quiet.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

18th day of the 4th month

So Moonglow was pretty damn quiet apart from the hordes of rampant hellspawn.
Did a fair bit of recruitment whilst we were there so we'll see over the next few days whether said presence has paid dividends or whether our inspiring conquest of numerous beefy monsters did nothing more than leave a big ol' dent in the invading forces.

http://www.grd-europa.co.uk/Log%20Images/18.04.08.JPG

Held a few gambling events yesterday, which admittedly drew a rather disappointing turnout.
Perhaps a different time would be better suited in future.
Four-way bagball is pretty damn hectic, so hectic that Tanya managed to score 10 goals and finish second.
Never saw that coming.

http://www.grd-europa.co.uk/Log%20Images/18.04.08b.JPG


I've kept myself rather busy this week so as to avoid having to spend too much time in the company of a certain female. Although either way I can't really win - even when I am working it's assumed I'm up to no good.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

20th day of the 4th month

Well, I definitely know better than to rely on the brainwaves of others in future.
Since we'd had a fairly sub-standard turnout I decided to save my fantastic idea for another time and instead opted to let the people in the line up have an influence on the evening's events.
I asked Tripps straight out what the first thing to come to mind was and he said 'Wispy'. I was quite taken aback by this but I drove on, querying the others and we were soon blessed with four keywords.
'Wisps', 'Rift', 'Earthquake' and 'Cleaning'.
Obviously the only natural course of action was to go in search of Wisps who had died after being caught in an Earthquake, take them to the Rift and clean it... obviously.

http://www.grd-europa.co.uk/Log%20Images/20.04.08.JPG

We stumbled across some Vesperians whilst in Moonglow who didn't take too kindly to our attempts to vandalise their 'Battle Cats'.
Apparently only we would stoop so low as to laying Militia banners around them and debating painting their flanks with such things as "Yew for the Win!" and "My other Cat's a Pony".

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

21st day of the 4th month

So I'm starting to think I should start going to a different healer.
I've been feeling a little unwell lately, nothing major, probably just spending three quarters of the day working and the remaining quarter not sleeping is beginning to taking its toll but Tanya persuaded me to head there 'as a precaution' and they gave me a few remedies to supposedly see to whatever ails me.
The only problem is that I'm starting to feel even worse, I'm feeling rather drowsy and last night during the Last Man and the Ceremony it was at its worst. Must have blacked out or something at one point and D'Gar decided to try and humiliate me. I'm not too fussed really, if he has a little pent up tension to release due to domestic issues then I won't take it personally.

Anyway, I spoke to the healers about it this morning and they said I must be drinking heavily and/or smoking shade.
I'm starting to think shade would be preferable to blacking out at random intervals but of course I'm not indulging in either of the above so I'm starting to doubt their expert opinion.

http://www.grd-europa.co.uk/Log%20Images/21.04.08.JPG

Anyway, the ceremony had a decent turnout and Radek Wilkes filled Walsh's open Sergeant spot. Now Wilkes is a bit of a tit at times but he can't be any worse than half the other appointments we've had over the years - Tiberius Kane? Kros Vandor? Leo Madsen?
I mean by that logic, all Wilkes needs to do is actually do his job and he'll have already surpassed those three.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

22nd day of the 4th month

Found myself at something Kevin Longshot was running yesterday which was interesting to say the least.
He had a variety of activities for us to complete, including Last Man Standings, Gauntlets and endless laps of a crated square.
Beat Tripps surprisingly easily in the Last Man Standing and I even volunteered an excuse for him and said he'd obviously slipped.

Then ended up going through the gauntlet without being able to bandage myself, beat Fraser and Wilkes only to find myself worse for wear when it came to Cordelia. Didn't really want to batter her so I went down a little too easily.

I was also handed two weapons to carry for this evening's Felucca caravan by some bloke in a hood. Can't for the life of me see why anyone would find these weapons so special but they're under Militia protection now and there's no way in hell a bunch of bloody brigands are going to take them.
We'll sacrifice a hundred taintlings before that happens, regardless of their actual value.

http://www.grd-europa.co.uk/Log%20Images/22.04.08.JPG

Ended up lugging around tables in the King's Deer because we felt we were too far from Daelia to include her in the conversation. Of course once we'd lugged the tables over, the Hobbit didn't even join in the conversation and our carrying of heavy oak tables was all in vain.

Lily's 'friend' is staying over tonight, which means I will be keeping my crossbow loaded and should I hear a floorboard creak upstairs, I will be bounding up those stairs with a 12 year old boy's death in mind.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log


23rd day of the 4th month

So when not being maimed by gargantuan sea beasts we were taking a spell-battering from an army of murdering taintlings yesterday evening.
We managed to find our way to Trinsic without coming under any real threat and I even shot down some magic imbecile out in the woods.
Of course the other numpties who were part of the caravan couldn't find their way along a bloody road without being seriously injured by a bunch of luminous highwaymen.

Stupidly we went to their aid and ended up worse off than them as we valiantly sacrificed ourselves for a bunch of badly dressed civilians.
Idiots.

http://www.grd-europa.co.uk/Log%20Images/24.04.08b.JPG


That bloody child stayed over last night and to his credit he stayed downstairs and did shoo Lily away when she came down in the middle of the night and asked him to play. Not sure what they were up to before Tanya and I got home from inspecting the rooms upstairs in The Deer but it better have bloody well been innocent.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

24th day of the 4th month

So the meeting was pretty quiet with only four of us there and our topics focused primarily upon recruitment and laughing at Vesper.
Altogether exactly the same agenda for the past ten years.

I then had everybody running around in search of buried treasure, arr!
I'd buried the chest on the north western peninsula by the Abbey but it took over an hour for anyone to find it despite my penetratingly insightful clues.
Tanya found the chest first (which I suppose shows just how badly everyone else was doing) but she pretended she hadn't so as to avoid being called a cheat.
Eventually Wilkes returned with the chest and shared his prize with Cordelia.

http://www.grd-europa.co.uk/Log%20Images/24.04.08.JPG

We then came home to hear giggling from Lily's room.
I stormed up the stairs in Waywatcher mode to discover what was going on. There was only Lily in there but she confessed he had been at the window talking to her.
After her telling me about how he gets cold and scared out in the dark every night, I stupidly felt bad for him, went outside and carried him in and let him sleep downstairs.
Consciences are terrible, terrible things and what's worse is this bloody conscience is going to make me build the little sod a treehouse out of guilt.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

25th day of the 4th month

Bloody hell, I'm exhausted.
Emily's been feverish all evening and has required constant attention, this coupled with living in the dark to try and coax her into sleeping has left me feeling like I'm going to slip into a coma - so much for Tanya and I spending quality time with one another this evening.

http://www.grd-europa.co.uk/Log%20Images/25.04.08.JPG


Yesterday was the Sharpshooter contest which as usual was home to some extremely suspicious scoring on the part of Ffion.
I don't think it's really her intention to so heavily favour certain Marksmen, just that being ginger and of Celtic origin, she can't sodding well add up.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

28th day of the 4th month

Well, Emily's been really rather ill over the last few days, burning up and refusing to eat.
She's improved a little but we're still a little strained at home, which isn't helped by Francis bringing home ale from his 'friends'.
Floria's been pretty shocked by Emily's health scare and seems to be going off the idea of having her own... a bit late to be having second thoughts I think.

Anyway, yesterday we were attacked by an army of half-men/half-bears allied with thugs and pirates. (Oddly enough this is not as rare as it would seem.)

For some reason in their tiny animal entrail stained heads they thought it would be a 'fantastic' idea to assault the Citadel. A Citadel protected by the cleverly engineered 'entrapment' tactic.
To summarise: They were spanked.

http://www.grd-europa.co.uk/Log%20Images/28.04.08.JPG


They came back a little while later whilst we were hanging around The King's Deer and were spanked a second time. Oddly enough they didn't return again, I suppose even a Vesperian realises when it's time to head home and return to staring at the walls and drooling, or whatever the most intelligent Vesperians do in their spare time.
Oh yes, play dress-up with the local wildlife.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

29th day of the 4th month

So Walker 'invented' some odd new game which involves making pictures using chess pieces on a chessboard and everyone else having to guess them.
I'm pretty damn good at the game though, so obviously it's a good game, which makes me wonder if Walker really conceived the idea of it.
Seeing as Tanya was actually the first of us to make a picture on the chessboard she could claim she had a part in the creation of 'Pictionary' but I doubt she'll do that, so if Walker starts selling it, we'll miss out on our share of the profits.

http://www.grd-europa.co.uk/Log%20Images/30.04.08.JPG


Anyway, today I've spent the vast majority of time clearing and fixing up after I rather stupidly allowed Bullseye into the house.
I can't really be blamed though, who would expect a frigging Sausage Dog to make so much mess?
Tomorrow though I need to find something for the men to do. I guess I'll consult my imaginary 'Big Book of Things to Do'... or blag it.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

1st day of the 5th month

Well, yesterday could have gone worse I suppose. We could have trod on some sort of trigger that sparked a fuse leading to a horde of explosives piled up at the centre of Sosaria.
That's the only possible way I could see it being worse.

We ran around and killed stuff in half an hour yesterday and were doing pretty well until we attempted to kill two thousand liches in 7 minutes.
We failed obviously, which was bound to happen being that it had been Spangles' idea and it is well-documented that anything coming out of Timothy's mouth is bound to be either borderline retarded or part of Elliot Hoskins. Although 'borderline retarded' encompasses Hoskins as well too I expect. Whatever happened to Hoskins anyway?

Wilkes had his bit of crumpet in the Keep yesterday evening whilst Cordelia was away visiting her mother.
Tanya was greatly angered by Wilkes' disgusting behaviour and embarked upon one of her rants which usually causes all of us right-minded people to roll our eyes and wish we were married to someone else.
This carried on at home too where Tanya continued her crusade and turned it on me as I am the cause of all marital infidelity, apparently.

http://www.grd-europa.co.uk/Log%20Images/01.05.08.JPG

Anyway, somehow this seemingly endless rant resulted in me having to march off down to the Abbey to inform Louisa (who I have barely seen recently) that it is over.

That didn't go particularly well but then it never does, I dare say the fact that she was crying for some reason before I even arrived did nothing to help the situation.
Still, Tanya seems a lot happier now and even ate a cookie in the middle of the night with Annie, so I suppose destroying Lou was worth it. Hoorah!

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

2nd day of the 5th month

So, yesterday morning I was forced to deliver the twins to Lou. She wasn't best pleased to see me but I explained the situation and while she went off at me, I think we resolved things amicably.
However, then I needed to find a way to explain the bite marks on my shoulders and nail scratches running down my back and arse.

I wander home and Tanya's there and I tell her I need to get some feathers for some bolts, (which was indeed true as I was quite short of them at the time) and that we might as well take her out and see if she can learn to shoot that bow of hers.
'Unfortunately' whilst we were bashing harpies, I was set upon by a group of them who clawed and chomped at me, leaving me with a number of bite marks and scratches all over my body. Woe is me.

http://www.grd-europa.co.uk/Log%20Images/02.05.08.JPG


Alas, I will strive to work through the pain. The knowledge that everything for the moment is back to being hunky dory will be of great assistance.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

4th day of the 5th month

So, her family have gotten the better of yet again. Her mother went through it at an early age and now Louisa's got it into her head that what the healers said makes her some 'dried up old woman' as she so delicately expressed it.
She's now taken to covering herself up completely and turned up yesterday evening dressed in a long, floaty skirt, long baggy shirt and a tunic buttoned up to the neck.
Needless to say this is not the sort of Lou I am accustomed to and as much as it pains me to say it (as it makes me sound rather shallow) I could almost feel my perennial attraction to her fading. It hasn't obviously but any further sightings of her dressed like my mother could be just the impetus I need to be wholly faithful to Tanya.

http://www.grd-europa.co.uk/Log%20Images/04.05.08.JPG


Floria had us all running around hitting one another in some gigantic crated maze yesterday evening, which was entertaining enough until I found myself facing down Walsh and Fraser on my own. Not such an impossible task you may think and you'd be correct but facing them two on one when they repeatedly flaunt the rules and cheat wildly does not a brilliant situation make.

Anyway, we have Naval Exercises this evening, which of course involves a great deal of sailing, the idea of which does not exactly inspire me to leap into the air in glee.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

5th day of the 5th month

Well that was somewhat unexpected.
I had a feeling something bad was on the horizon but usually I consider that sickening gut feeling in my stomach before I board a ship to be the anticipation of some of the worst seamanship the world has ever seen, it turns out that my gut instinct was pointing towards the impending marooning of the entire naval exercise team.
It is times like these that I wish my gut instinct triggered some sort of unmistakable warning such as a giant flashing sign directly in front of me emblazoned with the words "DON'T BE F***ING STUPID!"
I'm pretty sure the majority of these situations could be avoided if I were to be granted such a warning.

http://www.grd-europa.co.uk/Log%20Images/05.05.08.JPG


Tanya spent much of last night and some of this morning fretting about the children and who they'll end up with if we're stuck here forever. Apparently the children are far worse off in Yew than we are on a cramped island with a bunch of fricking loons who are currently in the process of trading apes as a currency.
Anyway, this isn't the first time I've been stuck on an island with a group of guardsmen so I'm quietly confident we'll be safe and sound at home soon enough, provided Walker ceases his rapid slide into dementia.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

6th day of the 5th month

So we found our way home despite the best efforts of half of the Militia to keep us stranded.
Even with the raft being barely sea-worthy, Wilkes and Raslo sailed the confiscated Vesperian raft the whole ten miles to Papua instead of the two miles to the mainland. Idiots.

Eventually they returned with another vessel to pick us up and again instead of taking us to Papua they sailed us the whole bloody way home to Yew.
This is why the Corsairs inevitably failed:
Idiots + Floating Coffins = Pointless and extremely dangerous voyages

http://www.grd-europa.co.uk/Log%20Images/06.05.08.JPG


The Deer was open when we arrived home and Tanya and I had a quick bite to eat before rushing home to spend some quality time together.
We even shared a pie after she gorged herself upon my buffet.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

7th day of the 5th month

So at the funeral yesterday I saw some rather attractive woman (from behind at least!) holding Annie and Francis by the hand. I didn't want to make a huge scene so I didn't query who the hell she was and why she had stolen my children.
Turned out that it was Louisa with her hair down, apparently the idea of dressing frumpily has gone out of the window (thank the Lord) as she feels more comfortable dressing in her usual manner.

Eventually I ended up at hers and was quizzed on my future with Tanya, so I told her what she wanted to hear and went to work.

http://www.grd-europa.co.uk/Log%20Images/07.05.08.JPG


Had everyone enact the story of 'Minderella', which of course ended in violence as is customary in the Guardsmen Militia and then we created our own fairytale, the story of Princess Mogman Wilberforce, 'horse riding' tart extraordinaire.

So Tanya and I came home to find Floria moping about and eventually managed to determine that she was angry with Lou for stealing her limelight by getting pregnant.
I was a little stunned to say the least.

Anyway - I'm going to head over there in a moment to pick up the twins and I might just slip it into conversation.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

10th day of the 5th month

Well, I've had a little time to think now about what she told me and I've come to the conclusion after a few days pondering my course of action that I will take the most plausible route possible and do absolutely bleeding nothing.

I just won't say a word to Tanya or anybody else and if she should find out I'll just feign ignorance of the matter entirely.

http://www.grd-europa.co.uk/Log%20Images/10.05.08.JPG

She's been making a huge effort to eat since I 'ended' it and we're not arguing in the street anymore, nor anywhere for that matter, so I see no reason to go and do a stupid thing like telling her that Louisa's pregnant.
That'd just be silly, after all Tanya's bound to want another child soon and then she'll be all pregnant and hormonal, so subsequently telling her that the bane of her existence is also pregnant with my child would be similar to slowly and brutally removing my own testicles with a tablespoon coated in itching powder.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

11th day of the 5th month

I'm a little rusty when it comes to bagball it would seem, whereas when I've been practicing I can easily put a good six past a reasonable defence, yesterday I seemed to spend my time crossing the ball for Sineal to knock it home.
Regardless, we won and with an actual competitive league looming I might start to train for the occasion. I may not be quite as quick as I used to be but I still have a keen eye for goal.

http://www.grd-europa.co.uk/Log%20Images/11.05.08.JPG


Ended up having people put challenges to be completed in five minutes in a bag yesterday and then drew them out.
Almost got away with handing Sineal a task to eat a meat pie but seeing as he's on a diet, I don't want to do anything that might see him break from his regimen.
Tanya ended up writing a task that saw Verity streak around Britain bank. Of course Verity conducted herself with the appropriate class and there was minimal bouncing or jiggling, unfortunately.

- Dart