Dart's Log

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

12th day of the 5th month

Well, next week I plan on making a bulk order on crummy armour for everyone to wear at the next Last Man Standing to see just how much difference a load of plate makes to the outcome of the competition. I expect it won't make a huge difference ultimately though.

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Tanya and I have spent hours working our way through questions to ask at this Couples and Pairs Quiz, however I have been forced to cross out all the ones querying cup size, favourite position and considerations of multiple women scenarios.
It would seem she wants this competition to be as tasteful as possible, in that respect I might as well not bother turning up as I seem to lower the tone no matter where I go.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

15th day of the 5th month

What a busy few days, Annie's been a bit under the weather recently so I've had to stay at home a bit as she keeps asking for 'Daddy' and just yesterday Floria gave birth a little prematurely to a baby boy who they've since named 'Laken'.
A little 'different' but who the hell am I to comment on people's names?

The other day Tanya and I hosted a Couples and Pairs Quiz which saw a load of couples (including a 'progressive' one) answer a variety of questions on one another and then progress to a general knowledge round.
Cordelia and Radek won the whole thing with about 4 points to spare over their nearest rivals Sineal and Annwyn but Tanya was convinced we knew everything about one another and made me do the test later on.

I got one fricking question wrong and was forced to spend the entire bloody night learning every intricate detail about one another... all over again.

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This evening I have a very cruel and unusual task prepared for the unsuspecting fools who enter the Keep at 8 o'clock.
Oh who am I kidding? It will involve booze, lots of sitting around and an exchange of ideas, it's like a tavern night but productive, I hope.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

17th day of the 5th month

I seem to be spending much of my time lately running back and forth between Floria's, with her spending half her time around ours asking Tanya about what to do in certain baby situations. Tanya's just over the moon to be able to talk to anyone about babies who doesn't just sigh heavily in response like myself.
I suggested that Floria perhaps ask her mother instead but she wasn't too keen on that idea for some reason.
On that note Lou's been hassling me about what I want to do in regards to our own 'baby situation' and I've been fobbing her off with excuses. Sooner or later I'm going to have to do something about it but for the moment with things so nice and serene with Tanya I'm reluctant to drop a conflagration bomb on the whole thing.

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The other day I ended up in the tavern playing 'Pictionary' again with Tanya, Sineal, Raslo and Fraser.
I surprised even myself with some amazingly creative designs such as a dice and cup, a bottle and two cookies, a three-legged stool with a cookie on top and a mouse and mouse hole.
If there were to be professional Pictionary players ('Pictionators'?) I'm sure I would be amongst the elite.

After demonstrating my awesome Pictionary skills, we ended up in 'West Vesper' and gave them the beating of a lifetime, apart from the whole being stuck in a smoke-filled bank for a good few minutes.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

18th day of the 5th month

Well apparently an invisible and very peaceful enemy has been invading Cove and Jhelom according to Wilkes.
I'm sure there have been things occurring in those delightful cities but we could find no evidence to prove that, or prove that Wilkes isn't completely insane.

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Ended up at the Chaos Shrine slaughtering balrons out of sheer desperation for a tangible enemy and not something concocted by Wilkes' deteriorating mind.Earlier on Tanya was raving about her full night of sleep, which was all well and good, however that sleep came at my expense as I decided to make as little noise as possible last night when I was dragged out to attend to the 'monsters hiding under the bed'. So of course she has no idea that they actually did wake up and me being the amazing bloke that I am allowed her to continue sleeping peacefully.
I am clearly the greatest husband of all time.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

19th day of the 5th month

So despite promising Francis I'd bring him to the Last Man Standing yesterday, I conveniently forgot and left him at his mother's.
I can't for the life of me see what allowing him to come will accomplish but he's desperate to and both Lou and Tanya have ridiculed me for making promises I have no intention of keeping, althoughI would've thought they'd be used to that by now.

Anyway, as well as having to remember to pick up the armour I ordered for next week, I now have to remember to bring my second-born son to an orgy of violence.

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Fraser won yesterday evening though, beating Sineal in the final two which was rather surprising as Fraser seems to be something of a perennial runner-up or only ever beats Tripps, which isn't really that difficult after my 10 second demolition of him the other week.
I'm sure Sineal just had a minor stroke or something, probably caused from pie withdrawal.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

20th day of the 5th month

So the friendly match was pretty uneventful, didn't even really have to break a sweat despite bagging a hatful of goals (how many goals can you fit inside a hat?)

We trounced them 7-0 in the actual match then put four past them without reply in the 'warm-down' game, so I think we're good to go for the league whenever it starts, although we might have to start defending a little as we seem to enjoy our attacking possession so much that we end up with our entire team within five yards of their goal line. I lost count of the amount of times I had to sprint back and body check an opposing player after they cleared the ball.

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Anyway, Tanya's roped me into taking her out on a brief patrol in a little while and then we're staying in for the evening with the children, which will be 'fun'.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

21st day of the 5th month

So being dragged around the caverns of Despise was incredibly romantic.
I've never seen so many scaly beasts. There's a mother-in-law joke in there somewhere but not having ever had a mother-in-law it wouldn't really be proper of me to use it.

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Apparently Lou came over yesterday evening to talk to me but Tanya saw no reason for her to need to speak to me and sent her away. I suppose I better find out what she wants... tomorrow.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

24th day of the 5th month

So despite handing the murdering taints of Felucca their arses on a plate, we were soon hurrying through Minoc to engage the Vesperian occupational force.
I ended up having to 'parlay' with their Captain, as difficult as it is to hold an intelligent conversation with someone whose mental faculties are dwarfed by the bear headdress he insists on donning, I think we established that we're not going to be friends. They made some remark about the King running away and I decided he'd had too many chances to withdraw and both Militias fought.
Of course we crushed them, only losing Walsh in the ensuing melee but D'Gar sent my unit off to patrol the route to Vesper which was so incredibly eventful that we took to disposing of some of Vesper's pikeys.
Eventually we circled back to be met with Cordelia Wilkes informing us of the Vesperians a little north of our location, with the remainder of our force seeking refuge behind the nearby buildings.

I don't quite know what possessed me but upon seeing them and reading upon their lips the same words that seem to accompany every explosive ball of fire, I charged straight into and through their formation, in a penetrative act the likes of Swayne could only dream of receiving.
The satisfying 'thunk' that accompanied the flattening of a helpless Vesperian mage with my shield momentarily outweighed the sudden realisation that those blasts detonating around us had sent me spiralling into the air.

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I can't for the life of me see how I ended up wedged between a ridge and some brambles nor how I managed to slip in and out of consciousness without noticing the sodding needle-like plant life scratching away at my face but upon finally waking up the early morning silence seemed too peaceful to defile with my heavy, clanking footsteps.
That and feeling too stiff and battered to move more than a few feet means I am still sat here beneath a tree canopy with much to consider and seemingly all the time in the world to consider it.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

26th day of the 5th month

Tanya brought Francis along to the Last Man Standing yesterday evening which was all well and good except I heard him shout from the Citadel roof during Annwyn and Cordelia's one on one catfight something about "boobies".
I hate to think what that might've involved.
I have to say their little bout could have done with some liberal mud-usage but Sineal would've had a heart attack at the mere suggestion of it. Although, nothing could beat his reaction to the Besiegers having to wear the same armour as everyone else in the Last Man.

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Anyway, that little foreign bloke won it, beating the fresh out of labour Floria, although I'm not sure he was actually able to comprehend the fact he'd won. After all it's not everyday that a yellowskin experiences victory, so the concept of which is probably rather alien to him.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

27th day of the 5th month

So I've decided I want my next child to be called 'Foley'.
Tanya's not exactly over the moon at the idea but it's either that or 'Axel' or 'Salvatore' and to be honest I think Foley's the best option out of the bunch.
Then again we're not even actively trying for another child at the moment despite us both agreeing the other week that we wouldn't be against having yet another.

I suppose I should pay attention to she who is actually pregnant.

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Cordelia was raving about the name 'Redd' for their next child which conjures up images of some toothless old git, personally but whatever they want to name their child is fine by me. It's not as if a name will be the only chink in his armour, he is a Wilkes after all.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

28th day of the 5th month

Well, it's official: I am in possession of the greatest cock, ever.
Pecker Grande plucked and then promptly stuffed any foolish creatures who dared to oppose him.
I was quite impressed seeing as I picked him up pretty damn cheaply.

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As he's proved his greatness, I can hardly have him served up for Sunday lunch, can I?
So now we're currently keeping Pecker Grande, Bullseye, Licker the cat, Danny the ostard, Puddles the horse and Pie.
The house is fast becoming Moonglow Zoo, all the inmates are at each other's throats, there's howling and wailing at any time of the night and we're flanked by perverted voyeurs with their telescopes and notebooks.

Actually things aren't really that bad at home at the moment, Wilkes has sodded off to Britain with Cordelia which means we can open the curtains for a change. Lou's not putting any pressure on me to make a decision as regards our 'situation' so apart from me maybe being a little tense, my relationship with Tanya is almost perfect and the children are for once not brutally maiming one another at every opportunity.
Now if only we could stop Licker trying to eat Bullseye we'd be en route to Utopia.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

29th day of the 5th month

Sometimes I wish I could let my competitive determination lay low, then perhaps I wouldn't find myself running around the Lost Lands in the middle of the night hunting down an elusive Silver Serpent.
Yes, that's how bad it became. We'd originally set a target of half an hour to take down our list of five poison beasties but it soon took us an hour to deal with four and then a further forty-five minutes for me to find a Silver Serpent.

Actually, we would've been done ages before if Tanya had agreed to pretend that we'd killed the Silver Serpent instead of refusing to lie and instead suggesting we simply 'give up'.
That woman's honesty really drives me up the wall.

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At least he's good and dead now. The poor bastard paid for the rest of his squirmy race being too frightened to show their fork-tongued faces.
I actually started to feel sorry for him, before realising I had a good few hours of walking until I would make it home.
So my sympathy turned into a boot to the head.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

30th day of the 5th month

Well, that's two gigantic slug-things down in the space of two days.
Since the one the other day caused us so much grief, I opted to drag everyone back there to deal with another in much more clinical fashion.
I ended up running around a lot trying to make a huge, manky serpent creature that had visions of me on a bed of lettuce bleed profusely. Needless to say it took us a while but nothing like as long as the day before.

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Tanya's been very self-conscious after Carolyn's remarks on Monday, so she's been dressing like a frumpy housewife all week.
I might go see Lou this evening.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

1st day of the 6th month

I shouldn't be experiencing relief but I am.
Louisa and I agreed we'd tell Tanya about our 'little mishap'. Or rather Louisa would tell her and I'd feign ignorance. If only I'd simply told her myself, Tanya wouldn't have shoved Louisa out of the door before Lou had even said a word and we wouldn't be staring down the conclusion that it wasn't meant to be.
Louisa is crushed and to some extent so am I, yet I can't help being grateful that Tanya didn't find out about it.

It seems those Vesperians love our Yewish ingots enough to ambush a caravan on the way to the Britannia Guard garrison.
Their ambush failed miserably of course but we didn't quite count on them following us back to the garrison and catching us whilst inside.

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I must've crawled out of there at some point during the ensuing chaos after landing in a heap of broken tables and chairs but seemingly passed out on my journey back to civilisation.

Someone seemingly found me though as I woke up with some busty blonde mopping my brow. She'd read this entire log in the approximate five hours that I'd been out cold and was now desperate for a starring role and hell I'd have given her one... and a starring role if I wasn't married and already having enough woman trouble to last a lifetime.
She actually turned out to be quite sweet and I was tempted to stay and give her some attention if only to make her feel better about herself but I figured letting her kiss me for a couple of seconds before I 'pulled away in surprise' was enough.
Anyway, she offered me the opportunity to come back and see her sometime which I'll struggle to avoid taking her up on.

Stopped by Lou's on the way home and it turns out the healers couldn't say for sure either way but had sent her home to let nature take its course.
She doesn't want to be on her own though so I get the impression I'm going to be spending a lot of time with her over the next few days and I think I owe it to her.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

2nd day of the 6th month

So after the Last Man Standing which Tripps won, I ended up at Lou's trying to comfort her until she went to sleep.
Apparently one complete accident is not enough and she's now started to plan another complete accident.
I was completely mortified by the revelation that she actually wants to actively plan for another, so of course my response was something similar to "Sure."
Way to make your feelings felt on the matter, Blad.

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I could really do with some sleep, so I might give the tavern a miss this evening and catch up on some much needed rest. Not that I'll get a chance with the sprogs running wild at home. I could go to Louisa's but while she'd happily put me to bed, I wouldn't get a wink of sleep.

I suppose I could sleep under the table in here.
No, I've not plummeted to those depths of desperation yet.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

4th day of the 6th month

Well, I'm certainly never getting anything to eat from The King's Deer again. My head felt like I'd been kicked in by a bagball obsessed Unicorn prior to ordering and I swear before I'd even swallowed a mouthful of that stew I felt a fart dribble down the back of my leg but I'll blame their cuisine instead.

I'd intended on going home and spending the rest of the night hunched over the hole in the ground but it proceeded to become far far worse as I found myself heading up the archer unit in Minoc despite feeling like I needed to just let rip in somebody's doorway.
This all coupled with what I can only describe as the worst hangover imaginable suddenly bombarding me the moment I set foot through the Minoc moongate lead to a very interesting if impossibly confusing evening.

I managed to take down three or so targets despite moving more sluggishly than Walsh's thought processes, so I was pretty happy with my performance until I found myself practically crawling along at a snail's pace with three Covians (one complete with luminous green bow) chasing me. I was so out of it at that point, having blown any remaining sense of reality with my last bowel movement that I couldn't even be bothered to attempt to flee. Of course my self-awareness told me I was still standing despite evidence to the contrary.

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I suppose I should be glad I didn't feel the effects of that gang beating until this morning when I awoke to the crunching of Francis' elbow against my jaw. He'd have landed another one too if a conveniently placed 'reactionary strike' hadn't sent him tumbling off our bed.
Tanya was on hand to fuss over me though as I sat up and quickly slumped back down into the mattress with a groan.
Apparently I need to take it easy and I'm inclined to agree, I've been on the end of more injuries and illnesses in these last few months than at any other point in my life.

I'll blame it on stress.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

8th day of the 6th month

It's rare that I can't find time to write down my thoughts and my perceptions of recent events but I've been so busy rushing back and forth between Lou's, paperwork and home to even have a chance to be alone, let alone have time to record said busyness.
The other day I had the duties for the evening all planned out when we received word of a caravan in Felucca that urgently required our assistance, so out of the window went our duties and in came hours of trudging through the Badlands whilst being blasted on all sides by spells and explosions.

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Then we found ourselves in Minoc exchanging blows with Vesperians and Covians alongside Britannia Guards. Both skirmishes ended in victory for the Loyalists and for the first time in a good few weeks I didn't wake up in a ditch and (perhaps unfortunately) was not 'nursed back to health' by some busty blonde with an appetite for the Blad Buffet.

Life at home has been a little odd and I'm sure Tanya suspects that all is not as it seems what with my limited time at home recently.
However, I haven't gone overboard, I'm not showering her with gifts as one might do in my current situation, so hopefully her suspicions have not been aroused too severely.
Yet whenever we get a free moment I play up my uncontrollable lust for her, so as to avoid her contemplating the possibility of me getting it elsewhere, which would add fuel to the fire of suspicion.
It's not like I am getting it elsewhere anyway but the chances are if I were to be 'too tired' during this period of time she would automatically assume that someone else had knackered me out, or I was no longer attracted to her.
Unfortunately I have hit something of a wall of exhaustion and I think it's actually the innocent combination of work and Tanya that have led me to it.
This is really way too much effort, sometimes I wonder if the price I pay for my infidelity is truly worth it.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

11th day of the 6th month

The world is full of frigging wimps - you can't verbally dissect someone these days without being on the receiving end of a bunch of disapproving glances, it pisses me off.
You end up feeling like you farted in the Trinsic Rose, everyone just sits there glaring at you, wishing they could be half as witty/flatulent as you are.

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Anyway, came back from the tavern the other night and Lou was sat on our doorstep, wanting to speak to me. Tanya wasn't exactly over the moon at that idea but we had a quick chat which culminated in me worrying if Tanya had seen anything, she seemingly hadn't but I was so on edge that I probably seemed even more guilty than I actually was, which -if anyone reads this- was not at all.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

13th day of the 6th month

So on Wednesday night, despite being in possession of more claw marks than I usually am after a night with Lou, Tanya breezed past what occurred at bagball, probably not wanting to consider why I looked like I'd been mauled by a pair of fire-breathing domestic puddy-tats, which of course I had been. Instead she focused on the all important issue of wanting to try for another baby.

As if sensing that her daddy required bailing out, Lily rushed downstairs and leapt into our bed, where she proceeded to moan about her angst-filled personal life.

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So with Lou hassling me about telling Tanya and Tanya wanting another baby of our own, I somehow get the impression that everything is about three feet away from going dramatically tits up.
It seems only a few days ago that I was saying how brilliantly peaceful life was becoming. I clearly spoke too soon, as ever.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

14th day of the 6th month

Well, we should definitely start serving wild mushrooms in the tavern. That ought to spice things up a little. It certainly brightened up what would have been a typical adventure to the fiery heights of Mount Sho.
With Wilkes and Walker both seemingly feeling the effects of too much wild toadstool consumption, we found ourselves dealing with a giggling Sergeant and Besieger Corporal, one of whom spent most of his time eating ants off the ground and the other one sparking a philosophical discussion on life and our physical existence.
Then again, I have to say that's not a whole lot different to what usually occurs on a tavern evening, so perhaps introducing shrooms will cause unprecedented levels of chaos, piss-poor cuisine and metaphysical debates.

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We made it to Mount Sho and found a bloke buried under the ground and were half way to digging him out when Walker ran out screaming about an avalanche. Now not thinking Walker would have quite crossed the border into insanity so quickly, we believed him and followed him out, leaving the half-buried chap exposed to all the fiery dangers of the volcano.
Of course by the time we realised Walker was full of tosh we'd abandoned the poor civilian to his death.

I hope Walker can live with that on his conscience, not that he'll remember.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

15th day of the 6th month

What would my life be like without the stress of women I'm 'committed' to? What would I do with my spare time if it was indeed spare and not dominated by children wanting to be told bedtime stories?
That extra freedom was a blessing in hindsight but then I remember having it, having the freedom to wake up wherever I wanted and with whoever I wanted and feeling empty. I can't have it both ways and I shouldn't expect to but for the past however many years I've tried to and I suppose I'll always continue to do so, it's just my nature never to be satisfied with what I have.

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Lou has demanded I tell Tanya the truth tonight. I tried to talk her round, tried to weasel my way out of it and shift the blame onto her but she knows me too well and it looks like after tonight's Last Man Standing I'm going to have the unenviable task of telling my wife that another woman is having my child.
Might as well cut my balls off now.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

16th day of the 6th month

Well, Tanya quite rightly threw the book at me.
There's not much to say really other than "this changes everything" and "it's not going to go away overnight".
That's probably as much as I could've hoped for, also we're not having anymore children apparently which is fine but I get the impression she's currently more concerned with punishing me than actually attempting to move our relationship past this... well I'd say 'bump in the road' but it's more like a flipping rock formation.

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Anyway Tripps won the Last Man Standing, to end a fascinating duel with Walker, I then went home to face the music and ended up facing it all night and the vast majority of this morning before again ending up at Lou's with specific instructions to invite her to dinner so the three of us can discuss how we're to resolve this situation.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

23rd day of the 6th month

So I finally have a moment to reflect on the past week and believe me in some respects I wish I didn't have to. Much of the week saw Lou and Tanya trading catty remarks and scheming against one another. Whilst the children are busy hurling from some illness they've caught off their pikey friends, Tan and Louisa are practically at each other's throats and the only reason we've so far avoided bloodshed is the single reason they're arguing at all.
I've seen more peaceful war zones than the events that have transpired within these four walls and I was glad to get away last night to the capital for a seminar on 'The Merits of Non-Physical Discipline'. I almost nodded off part way through but it was a nice change to be almost bored to death as opposed to having to crawl through child vomit to interject myself into a potential brawl.

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The Last Man Standing was a very average affair. I had two teams fire at one another from behind some cover and had great plans for my spur of the moment idea. Unfortunately Atheratii had a nosebleed and had to leave, this of course imbalanced the teams to the point that there was little sense in continuing after the first two rounds.
Walker won the tournament as is seemingly always the case, by beating Wilkes. Although, they were both unarmoured, which gave ol' leather-skin Sineal something of a huge advantage.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

25th day of the 6th month

It seems the days are growing more and more uneventful, if that were possible.
Yesterday, the highlight of my day was watching half of the Militia beat the piss out of one another all in the name of 'entertainment'.
Of course there's only so many millennia you can watch Walker face off against someone in equally heavy armour before you start to doubt the merits of said form of entertainment.

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I came home after that enthralling spectacle to find Tanya knitting a blanket for the baby.
Perhaps she's accepted it, either way the evening ended calmly and cordially with us both curled up in bed chatting into the early hours of the morning.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

26th day of the 6th month

Well, it would seem we're not having a cannon to aid us against Vesper and Cove, after the men failed to attain any of the required deposit.
Apparently some of them visited the depths of Doom but returned with empty pockets, useless tosspots.

The meeting was largely uneventful, although we did resolve a number of issues and so we can consider it something of a success.

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I took a detour to Lou's after the meeting and I'll be heading back there today, apparently she'll refuse to accept Tanya's blanket as she wants nothing from her. When I returned home, I was confronted with Lily's friends running through the woods. I don't even want to consider whether there was any truth to the story the girl told me, so I took her home to her half-naked mother and departed.
Tanya's also got it into her head that she doesn't want me to be at the birth and the only way I can go is if she's allowed to be there too. I somehow doubt Lou will be receptive to that proposal.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

27th day of the 6th month

Well, I think that'll be the last time we assist that bloody caravan. Not only were we completely undermanned as a Militia force but we were accompanied by a handful of mercenaries. This tiny escort compared to the seemingly endless hordes of brigands led to an abrupt end for organisation and tactics. Clear thinking and precise maneuvers were quickly replaced by panic amongst the mercenaries and we narrowly avoided being trampled to death. Of course being on foot we were often left to fend for ourselves, alone, outnumbered and lacking in substantial firepower.
We brought down two of the tossers, which compared with recent caravan escorts may seem quite pathetic but under the circumstances I think we can be pleased with what little success we returned with.

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I was struck by the comedy stylings of the caravan organiser who thought it would be hilarious to demand we 'CALM DOWN' and remain stationary whilst the brigands blasted us with spell barrages once we'd reached Minoc.
Unfortunately the explosions had rendered me with selective hearing and I was unable to belay the order to attack the encircling cross-dressers.

Anyway - We made it home in one piece, which in my book (and this is my book) makes the evening a triumph.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

28th day of the 6th month

So Longshot graciously educated us on bow care yesterday evening, although most of my time I'll readily admit was spent carving obscenities into my desk. I suppose I was catching up on opportunities missed by not having been schooled, a decent education and the potential for risk-free and better paying professions aside.
Anyway, Tanya as usual exhibited her obsessive attention to detail, taking nigh on treble the amount of time everyone else required to achieve any meager task we were set.
I'm lucky that I love her and that I find said obsessive compulsions to be endearing and cute otherwise I'd be bordering upon insanity when it comes to watching her and assisting her with the housework, not that I do any of that of course, it being a woman's job and me being a real man and all.
Although I do cut a pretty funky rug when I have that broom in my hands... to hand to her obviously, not to do any real cleaning with.

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I bought a treasure map from the odd Skara Braen traveling salesman who reminded me of a continental Holly Swayne, traversing the globe in search of business.
I was feeling romantic, or at least wanted to appear romantic and brought it home with the intention that Tanya and I at our next opportunity could go in search of buried treasure. After casually mocking me, she seemed intrigued by the idea and then suggested we go in search of treasure in the bedroom. I was to bring my spade, to which I agreed as long as she brought her chest and jewels.
After dealing with Lily's impending adolescent drama, I returned to Tan and set about locating where 'X Marks the Spot' in search of many bountiful rewards.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

30th day of the 6th month

I've never really been much of a fan of wine and now after having watched how certain individuals go about the process of vinification I doubt I'll be jumping ship from ale or Kaboom any time soon.
For some reason we ended up in Tokuno attempting to find a cobbler, apparently Britannian shoes are for whatever reason not good enough for Longshot and his disturbing tastes. Of course I made use of the opportunity to expand my horizons and communicate with the cross-dressing locals, however they were seemingly less than enthused by my attempts.

In an attempt to stem my boredom I invented a new game prior to the Last Man Standing, however with some participants clearly being incapable of comprehending the basic concept or rules both sides only scored a single run each, with Fraser's team only managing that due to his blatant disregard for the laws of the game. However, I couldn't be bothered and despite Tanya's team probably being more deserving of the win, I declared it a draw and moved on.
Wilkes somehow despite carrying an injured foot ended up in the final two, alongside Cordelia and promptly manhandled her to claim the title. Apparently his desire to emerge victorious supercedes their marriage and he'll do everything in his power to win, this even includes brutally maiming the mother of his child. I suppose I should be encouraging this level of competitive spirit for the Last Man Standing but I'm not sure if I was faced with the same situation that I would beat the tar out of Tanya, in fact I'm certain I wouldn't.

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Having both arrived home Tanya for some bizarre reason apologised for being a useless fighter. Somehow despite me reassuring her that I was actually glad she was pretty crap and that I love her the way she is we ended up in the middle of a heated argument, it's amazing how quickly a situation can turn from being so amiable to what it became. Of course it rapidly deteriorated and I soon stormed out, only to return around an hour later. We talked and she demanded to know the truth about everything, figuring even if the game was not up that it was probably the best opportunity to come clean, I told her everything in brutal honest detail. She seemed a little crushed after that but soon rallied and took the offensive.
Believe it or not I would find myself at the healers asking them if they could recommend anything for a 'desperate friend' that would lower or nullify the ol' libido. I brought home seven bottles of what I can only describe as sludge, however Tanya refused to let me drink them and disposed of them before I could feign dismay.
Of course I'm rather glad that she threw them out, I'm not sure what I'd be like if I wasn't constantly driven by the whims of my penis but I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be for the best, I'd have to start thinking objectively about things and Lord knows that would be a bloody nightmarish situation.

Things are a little tense still and I spent last night sat on the doorstep staring out into the stars, somehow we have to get through tonight's tavern evening without all hell breaking loose.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

1st day of the 7th month

Well, I hadn't quite anticipated the evening turning out quite like it did.
Apparently a plague is currently spreading throughout Yew, infecting the minds and bodies of the residents. Stonekeep is the last remaining sanctuary in Yew and even then we apparently have two afflicted already in the form of Longshot and Verity. Longshot I can see being infected but I'm pretty sure the only thing Verity suffers from is an uncontrollable urge to whip off my pants and she wouldn't be the only one of the Yewish population to have suffered from that at one time or another.
Oddly enough the symptoms seem to involve anything that could be attributed to a minor illness such as a cold but I have to say Longshot and Sands were acting extremely oddly yesterday evening, so perhaps they really are infected.

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The Church have designated the rest of Yew outside our Sanctuary as something of a 'Zone of Exclusion', with anybody attempting to enter from there liable to be dealt with in the extreme, whilst those attempting to escape from our safe haven are clearly insane and should be imprisoned as sufferers of the illness.

Luckily our house falls within the acceptable boundaries so we could actually return to the children, although should our 'Zone of Sanctuary' shrink any further I hate to think what'll happen.
Things were still tense when we arrived home but we cuddled and actually spent the night in the same bed, however the atmosphere still remained and I expect it will be for a while. Perhaps I'll get up and make Tanya a warm drink in bed since we're all fasting to prove we deserve the Higher Being's mercy, so breakfast is out of the window.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain’s log

2nd day of the 7th month

So if things weren’t bad enough with a plague gripping Yew and Lily seemingly rebelling against every and all authority just to piss me off I wandered out of the front door last night only to find myself being watched by some creepy looking bloke who was crouched under the shade of a tree.
He was covered from head to toe in bloodied sores and he reminded me more of a zombie or something out of a frigging crypt than what I’m accustomed to finding on my doorstep.
Apparently communication wasn’t his forte as his response to my queries was to leap for my throat. Luckily I reacted in time to send him crashing to the floor.

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He returned to Stonekeep later, collapsed on the floor and spent the next few minutes thrashing about, clawing and scratching at the ground and at Walker’s war axe.
Eventually Walker dragged him off to the woods and crushed him under a tree trunk, however we decided burning him was preferential to letting him get to his feet again, this after all was a creature that had sat back up after Sineal had practically split him in half with his axe.

Having seen the amount of damage the resilient bastard could take and still keep on kicking, I’m concerned that he might not be the only one of his kind wandering the forest. The Church said he was one of the infected in the late stages of the illness, if that’s what happens to all the diseased then I don’t think we have much of a chance.
To be blunt I think the Higher Being has taken a massive divine dump on us from heaven.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

3rd day of the 7th month

Well, yesterday was pretty disastrous for family harmony with Ben discovering the shocking truth and storming off in a silent rage. So now all the children bar Emily and Thomas are aware of the situation and consequently giving me hell in their own little way.

The day was also made substantially worse by the sudden invasion of dozens of afflicted.
I stupidly made the mistake of inquiring as to the well being of one lass who wandered through Stonekeep, only to have her jump at me. Whilst we were busy dealing with her, a sizeable percentage of the population of Yew piled into Stonekeep and set about biting and gnawing at us.
Luckily we fended them off and I dragged the men out to ensure Yew wasn't crawling with their kind, oddly enough the town seemed completely infection free and we were informed at the Abbey that the illness had come to an abrupt end thanks to the gracious Higher Being curing our rotten water supply.

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I'm not really sure what to think about that but I've learned not to dwell too much on these matters and simply focus on the logistical reality of the situation, which is something of a nightmare when you consider the amount of people seemingly in need of aid and the manpower we currently have at our disposal.

Anyway, I have to take the twins up to the Abbey to see Lou in a minute. Needless to say I'm dreading that almost as much as I'm dreading the paperwork caused by our little disease debacle.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

4th day of the 7th month

Well, I'm off out to recruit in a couple of minutes, despite spending yesterday doing much the same thing.
I remember back in the day I used to spend hours chatting to random civilians in the hope that they'd show even the slightest bit of interest in donning the famous gold and grey. I used to enjoy it for the social interaction as well as the feeling of achievement when they turned up later wanting to join but I can't say I feel the same rush when I'm trundling around banks dumping banners and pamphlets down whilst exchanging expletives with taintlings.

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Not much happened yesterday, other than dragging Verity, Longshot, Walker and Tripps around in some vain attempt at recruiting. We met some Drow with an identity crisis and a nudist fetish, she kept offering to show us her pink bunnies, whilst denying her racial heritage, bless her. Pity she was a Drow really, she seemed to be capable of forming basic sentences and comprehending Britannian, which I suppose for one of her natural disadvantages is quite an achievement.

I ended it with Lou as well and as usual our parting was nothing remotely close to amicable, in fact I soon found myself being threatened with not being able to see the baby. She soon backtracked on that but I don't think Tanya helped the already volatile situation by dragging Francis and Annie home from her and refusing to let them stay there for the remainder of the week. Louisa showed her displeasure with this turn of events by punching Tanya in the mouth, which led to Tan informing me when she arrived home that 'as soon as she drops she's getting a smack in the face!'

Brilliant.
Abso-fricking-lutely brilliant.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

5th day of the 7th month

Yesterday was another day of recruitment only broken up by the random attack of some hooded assailant riding a transparent steed.
There we were gracing West Britain Bank with our guardsmenly presence when some tit leaps out and attempts to jam a poison-tipped dagger through my chest.
That sort of thing happens all the time, so I wasn't overly surprised or bothered, I do walk through life with a big ol' target on my back and I'll invite anyone to try. However when the tosser returned and tried to kill Tanya I took the issue a little more personally... and killed him.

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Despite using enchanted gear, I finished him up pretty easily, knocking him cleanly from his imaginary horse only then to proceed with liberally dispatching bolts into his buttocks. Longshot assisted, being an expert at lodging narrow objects into strange men's rumps.

Anyway, Floria's asked me to persuade her mother not to buy up a plot of land up for sale nearby the Arduin Meadow. Apparently the idea of living so close to Lou is frankly terrifying for the poor girl. Of course Louisa won't listen to a word I say but apparently my daughter has a misplaced confidence in my diplomatic abilities.
Tanya wasn't best pleased at the thought of Lou moving so close either and decided that the whole endeavour was orchestrated purely to piss her off.

So in about ten minutes I need to go round to hers and plead with her not to subject us all to such unnecessary trauma.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

6th day of the 7th month

If I was a taint, what luminous colour would I be?
Seemingly after the recent recruitment attempts which have either resulted in us receiving bucket loads of attention or being generally ignored, you need to be able to communicate effectively with the wider population.

I can't seem to hold a conversation these days with a taint without them asking me explicit details about my sex life. What business is it of theirs if I 'roleplay'? And I am certainly not a 'noob' in that department either.

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Anyway, as Floria requested I spoke to Lou about her moving nearby and apparently Louisa has no intention of doing so anyway. I don't really know what to say about what happened whilst I was there, which suffice to say was nothing of that sort but more of the emotional kind.
Maybe it really is over with Lou, I certainly can't see it ever changing.
She's been waiting for me since I was eighteen; perhaps it's time she tried to move on.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

7th day of the 7th month

Well, Tanya roped me into coming to the tavern yesterday after the Last Man Standing.
Of course, as usual I fired off a few jokes in the direction of whoever was present, namely Annwyn and as usual being female and being on the receiving end of some of my crude remarks she assumes I am being serious and that my accusation that she's stalking me will lead to her being landed in trouble.

This makes me pause and consider - are people around here really too thick to differentiate between jokes and genuine hatred or has my humour really become drier than a hairy goblet around a naked Oldar?
I can't for the life of me see it as being the latter, as I hardly deliver the remarks with the appropriate venom, or devilish stares that would lead most people to believe that yes I am being brutally honest and yes I would cut you into meaty chunks if I could get away with it because I hate you with the utmost intensity.
Usually everything I say is said with the biggest genuine mischievous smile on my face because I am joking and my tearing you a new arsehole is more than likely a sign of affection or welcoming but it would seem most interpret said genuine mischievous smile as a malicious grin born out of the contemplation of me causing them heartache and strife.

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My conclusion: People around here are way too sensitive and really are thick as Longshat.

Although, Annwyn's comeback that involved provoking me into thinking about my dead ex-wife and daughter was a moment of pure genius and I would congratulate her if I wasn't so bummed out about being brought crashing back down to Sosaria.
Then again she can't be blamed, as is usual for this time of year they've been playing a lot on my mind - scratch that, they play on my mind every single day and I suppose they always will.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

8th day of the 7th month

Well I don't think I'll be opening my own casino any time soon. When it comes to gambling, Lady Luck seems to prefer scowling to smiling upon me.

My time as dealer wasn't much helped either by me having a moment of insanity as I inadvertently revealed my genius 'Three Crate' (well, fourth crate I suppose) trick.

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Also after Tanya went home, I was left in the The Deer with Sineal, where we witnessed the horror of all horrors - a giant spider mating with a tree. Yes, that's right, for some reason this large arachnid felt the need to attempt to breed with the tree around the back of the tavern. I'll have to remember to have said tree cut down and burnt and then to have everyone who's been within Stonekeep since that hideous event wash their hands, just incase.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

9th day of the 7th month

Well yesterday has to have been one of the most eventful days in my life for a long time.
It started off in the Cat's Lair in Britain, playing a stupid drinking game, which consisted of taking a swig whenever you had done something asked in a question. Such as when Wilkes asked if anyone had ever cheated on a partner and me being apparently the only honest person present took a swig.
Then again - who else would there be?
I think Walker's had the luxury of being with two women in his entire life and probably considers eating an Apple Pie to be adultery. Fraser spends most of his time leering at my testicles during tavern brawls.
Tripps practically denies having ever even been in a room with a woman let alone having done anything.
Wilkes is too busy being whipped by Cordelia to slip anybody else a bit of his mini-telescope.
Tanya is Tanya and subsequently the embodiment of all moral virtue, apart from when it comes to reading her daughter's diary or denying her husband's mistress access to her children.
Annwyn is too dim to probably even realise if she's cheated.
Kyra apparently doesn't consider being spit-roasted by Young and Longshot to be anything of the sort "It's not cheating if they're both in me/the same room!" and it's not for me to speculate on Lady Imrae's exploits.

So there we are in the Cat's Lair when every Covian and Vesperian who ever existed wanders in and starts shouting drunken abuse at our table.
Some imbecile tried to sit on Tanya's lap and ended up in a heap on the floor for his troubles. I later cracked him around the head with a stool-leg, put my fist through his jaw and tossed him into a taint's random portal, this of course was after Sineal laid down a couple of his own beatings on the pervert and Fraser clobbered him to near-death with a broken table leg.
Anyway, I'm not sure what sparked the mass-brawl but regardless of who caused it the Guardsmen Militia ended it, standing tall at the end after dropping bear-wearing bastard Escaflowne through a conveniently placed recruitment table.
I managed to get stabbed through the arm with a bolt and kicked in the grapefruits by some Celtic arsehole before I recovered the use of my lower body and beat him down in an alley way. Oldar followed this up by diving onto him in a ridiculously dramatic move I'd never thought I'd see in a real fight. It was about this time whilst I was ensuring that I hadn't been rendered infertile that I noticed Fraser staring at me fondling my balls, he seemed genuinely intrigued by the concept of my manhood.
Needless to say Fraser now gives me the frigging creeps.

Despite being overwhelmingly outnumbered at one point I don't think a single one of us ended up in any serious danger of being beaten up. It seems for all their fancy hats and their 'closeness' with nature the Nob-end Alliance simply can't match us when it comes to a good ol' fashioned fistfight.

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Anyway, we ended up in Stonekeep with Annwyn and I trading jibes as best you can with someone who can't quite comprehend your vast array of insults and whose most powerful weapon seems to consist of calling you 'mean' and slapping you every time you make an innuendo in reference to her mother.
Apparently Floria and Tanya often sit around discussing their sex lives in detail whilst they're alone together, so much so that I am now aware my son-in-law apparently does not possess 'really small genitalia' like you would think for someone who spends most of his day in tight leathers, I am now scarred with the mental image of Navaska running around in crotchless leggings.

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So, in order to look for new recruits I had organised a recruitment drive in the Great Lakes, however, I must have fallen asleep or passed out from the immense pain in my lower extremities or gained a concussion from the spittoon that Hoagie smashed into my skull in the brawl, as I woke up in the Tradepost after having the weirdest dream in recent memory.
In my dream we were wandering around attempting to recruit in the Great Lakes, only it wasn't anything like I imagined and it actually seemed to just be New Haven and Britain instead of the fantastic new world that I'd previously anticipated. In the dream I was cursed with a really queer-looking spikey haircut that Rhoen used to have before he started to grow his out and for some bizarre reason spent my time carrying around a sword.
I don't know who the hell half of the people with me were but there was some weird looking blonde bloke, a bald guy who sounded like Gotrek, another who sounded exactly like Tripps and one who spent most of her time fussing about her new red Waywatcher uniform, so I'm assuming that was Floria. There were others but they all either looked or sounded similar to the rest and left me feeling like I was being followed around by an army of copies.
There were even taints in my dream too, shouting more abuse at us than the real ones do. However, you could quite clearly tell it was a dream as we actually seemed to gain some attention for once. We even discovered a hole in the ground near the Britain moongate that took a shortcut to the Capital - even the taintling figments of my imagination are lazy bastards.
Anyway - if that's what the Great Lakes look like then I'm not sure I want to go there again any time soon as quite frankly they left me clamoring for the taintlings of home.

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When I arrived home I found Tanya reading what turned out to be Lily's diary. Within she had described in quite graphic detail a shocking encounter she'd dreamt up involving 'Nathan', of course neither of us realised that what she had described was merely a dream and upon finding Nathan asleep on the floor in Lily's room I promptly threw him out of the front door.
For the most part I think everything has been sorted out now but the prospect of Lily turning thirteen in a couple of weeks almost has me running scared.
Over the years I've faced off against balrons, dragons and enormous armies but I'd gladly fight them all again if I could avoid having to deal with a teenage daughter.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

10th day of the 7th month

So it would seem I really am married to the most flexible woman in Yew. After using Tanya's 'Yoga' notes to instruct some of the Militia on the merits of the aforementioned masochistic exercise routine I have discovered that the guardsmen we've been recruiting all these years just aren't very supple.
In fact I don't think I've ever heard so much muttering and whinging from a group of supposedly legitimate tough guys, the same 'tough guys' who just the other day beat the piss out of a bunch of drunken Covians and Vesperians considered a little stretching of a few muscles to be worthy of a whine or three.

Apparently, according to Tanya I should have had them all stretch first and limber up but I figured being guardsmen and having just been on a patrol that they'd be warmed up for the most part and a stretching routine was unnecessary.
The groanings indicated otherwise.

I sympathise with Sineal at the moment as Annwyn seems to be on some sort of prolonged rag-week, perhaps he should take a few weeks off. Now, when the fish market comes to town at home, I usually just spend a lot of time at work or Lou's and when Lou starts pitching the 'Catch of the day', I just avoid her for a fortnight to tide me over. Should there ever be a case where they embark upon synchronised blobbing, I'm not sure what I'll do, not that I'm seeing Lou anyway.

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So, when I came home I found a tightly clad Tanya performing a number of Yoga poses with ridiculous ease, which provoked a multitude of obscene thoughts to cross my mind. I intended to pursue them too until Benjamin wandered down the stairs, 'History of Warfare' book in hand.
He then proceeded to suggest a number of potential strategies of how we could secure our position in Minoc and then push into the rebel heartland.
Sometimes that boy worries me, whereas Francis is off trying to get into the pants of anything with a skirt, Ben spends his time swotting up and showing more intellectual and strategic prowess than the vast majority of the Militia. I know he's only eight but I would breathe a huge sigh of relief if he were to come home and tell me he had a girlfriend instead of reeling off the entirety of the 'A' volume of his Encyclopedia. Then again, he's bright, very bright and as they say - 'if you've got it, flaunt it'.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

11th day of the 7th month

It's days like yesterday that make me question people and society in general.
You get a group of relatively normal people apart from those who seemingly spend a permanent holiday on the Red River and try to introduce them to a friendly team-bonding session and all they do is mutter and whine, with someone who shall remain nameless demanding to be dismissed because she isn't 'Fecking saying that'.

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Anyway, Tanya's organised a dinner party for Sunday which will see everybody in the entire family who cannot co-exist for more than thirteen seconds crammed into a room, doused with copious amounts of booze and expected to hold pleasant conversation.
Apparently Louisa and Navaska's mother will be excluded from the guest list so as not to offend Rose and Summer respectively.

I've asked semi-jokingly to also be excluded so as to avoid having to watch what is simply a disaster waiting to happen. Tanya refused.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

12th day of the 7th month

I'd never thought too much about being a ratman before, it's just not one of those things I really aspired to try out. I've never laid in bed at night and thought "I really wish I had a tail protruding from my arse!" I just haven't and after yesterday's unfortunate experience I don't think I ever will.

We found ourselves eventually after a long journey in the jungles adjacent to the Shrine of Valour, killing everything and anything in some misguided attempt to goad the 'Champion' out of his lair. This 'Champion' (if you can call him that) turned out to be some bloke with a set of pipes and a bizarre fetish for vermin.
He put up a hell of a fight though but our combined might eventually put him down, despite being morphed into ratmen on multiple occasions.

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Tonight I think we'll take some stuff down to Britain and set up an open-air tavern for the civilians there and hopefully talk a couple into signing up.
I also need to remember to convince Tanya to let Louisa come to this family gathering, or face her wrath. Ultimately I suppose I need to decide who scares me more. Louisa's more likely to fly off the handle and do something stupid but Tanya's grudges seem to last an eternity.
That doesn't help me at all, since I would like to survive today but also survive a little way down the road too.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

13th day of the 7th month

If being a detective constitutes the amount of running we were cruelly exposed to last night then I'm glad that being in the Guardsmen Militia these days requires very little in the way of investigation. Of course we get the odd "Someone stole mah pig!" complaint but nothing on the level of uncovering the culprits behind a mass-murder of Royal Council Members.
Despite our best efforts to assist Inspector Jasper, the disadvantage of not being able to travel across the world with the ease of clicking our fingers eventually took its toll after we'd traversed the distance from Yew to Britain to Moonglow to Trinsic to Britain to Nu'jelm to Britain.
Whilst I don't have much confidence in the taintlings and their detective abilities, I don't have much confidence in our own after travelling those sorts of distances, so I had a little refreshment stand built outside the Castle and offered free drinks to any hard-working investigators. Many took advantage of our generosity and sat down for a pint or two but apparently our 'celebration' (because that's clearly what the occasion was) angered a Trinsican because apparently they never do anything remotely inappropriate, such as holding markets with enemies of the King and invaders of Minoc.

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Tanya changed her tune entirely upon inviting Louisa to the family meal and actually wants her there. I hate to think what she's got planned if she's so receptive to the idea. Anyway, I need to go out and drop off the invitation in a moment.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

14th day of the 7th month

So yesterday afternoon it was reported there was substantial build-up on the Covian border. We'd already organised a small patrol up to the border to ensure everything was the way it should be but after the revelation that they were hanging around too, I decided to call in a few extra troops from the Britannia Guards and Skara Brae to bolster our ranks of eleven guardsmen.
It was lucky too as the Covians and Vesperians showed up en masse and whilst I'm confident we would have dispatched them easily enough without any assistance, the added power of our allies turned what would have been something of a close victory into a decisive one. Twice they came and twice we beat the living piss out of them.

The Skara Braens need to learn who their allies and who their enemies are as Fraser and Walker found themselves being attacked on multiple occasions as they apparently look like Covians, whilst I was almost burned alive by an over zealous Skara Braen wytch, I'm not sure what the motivation was behind attempting to torch me, perhaps I knocked up his épouse.
Of course, Walker didn't take too kindly to the confusion and our allies left complaining about 'Yewish generosity' but hopefully things will calm down a little and we won't be forced to raze Skara to the ground any time soon.
I'm not sure Lou would appreciate me advocating such a strategy anyway.

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The meal yesterday consisted of Tanya rather conveniently burning dinner so that she was forced to make an entirely new meal which 'unfortunately' contained cheese, an ingredient that Louisa's been unable to stomach at all lately.
Every single course somehow involved something to do with cow's milk and subsequently Lou sat there for the duration of the meal without eating a bite, other than the starter of salad.
Louisa was very apologetic to Tanya and cited her lack of eating as a side-effect of being still stuffed from the salad and what she'd eaten earlier in the day. Of course the false pleasantries went out of the window as soon as everyone else had left.
I was apparently supposed to involve myself in the ensuing argument on Tanya's side but I rather conveniently discovered the vast amount of dishes that required washing up and set about clearing up 'so that Tanya wouldn't have to worry about them later on.'

Lou used my lack of backing to her advantage and dragged the children off but not before informing Tanya and the children that she was going into the kitchen to say goodbye to their father.
This of course landed me in hot water, despite not doing anything wrong other than cowering from the womanly dispute.

Francis came home in the middle of the night after I'd arrived home from the battle though and told me he'd run away after Louisa had slapped him. Tanya was outraged she'd lay a finger on him but after Francis told me what he'd said to provoke such a reaction I can understand why it occurred. I'm sure him telling her things like "Dad's with Tanya because everyone prefers Tanya to you!" was well appreciated, alongside even more hurtful remarks in reference to her parenting abilities.

It's quite obvious that Annie and Francis feel that they're caught in the middle and know that anything they do inevitably ends up hurting certain parties, however neither of them want to choose one over the other.
Either way Francis decided he wanted to go home so as not to make her worry when she woke up, I can sympathise with that but I don't want him to feel guilty for speaking his mind, even if it does hurt her feelings.
Plus - nobody pulls any punches when it comes to discussing my gaping flaws, do they?

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

15th day of the 7th month

So yesterday evening Skara turned up to the tavern to enjoy our 'hospitality' and our world famous grape juice, oddly enough they turned out to be fairly pleasant to talk to which was quite surprising to me when you consider my experiences with Skara Brae in the past. Tanya spent much of the evening bemoaning their accents and language, which struck me as a little odd since she used to love the place, I can only assume that the only reason she's so anti-Skaran now is due to a certain woman having been born there, despite her not actually having any Skara Braen blood in her.

Anyway, the new barmaid actually worked a shift for what must have been the first time in her entire life and took practically an age to serve the Skarans, mixing up their order and then charging them for her mistake. I'm beginning to think based on her appearance and general attitude that she might be more suited to a line of work where she seems most comfortable - on her back.

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Sineal sent Tanya off in a mood when he brought up the topic of baby names and she effectively stormed out of the tavern after causing a huge scene. When I arrived home a couple of minutes later she acted as if nothing at all had happened and I was crazy for assuming she'd be upset. She arranged with Annwyn that the twins would try out her tree house today, which'll be fun since Louisa's still in possession of them and I'm not sure she'll be exactly ecstatic at me turning up to steal them from her after I promised her a week with them.
Maybe Tanya will forget, she hasn't mentioned it to me so far so I can only hope.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

16th day of the 7th month

Well, I've never been charged an extortionate sum to have my arse whupped before. Actually, that's a lie - getting married to and impregnating Tanya saw my disposable income slashed and my arse being kicked on a variety of issues. So I suppose paying the entry fee to 'The Prism of Light' only rates as the 2nd worst deal in my personal history.

http://www.grd-europa.co.uk/Log%20Images/18.07.08.JPG


I found a Skara Braen phrase book at the Abbey today, I'm sure I can do something with that. Maybe take Skara's political world by storm with my witty Skaran repartee, or perhaps educate the Besiegers on how to negotiate a peaceful settlement with a knife-wielding surrender Boba next time we buddy up to face off against Cove and Vesper.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

17th day of the 7th month

So having sampled the Skara Braen language and watched as a couple of unfortunate guardsmen sampled Skara Braen cuisine, I can safely say that I won't be moving there any time soon like Louisa seemingly suggests at every opportunity.
Firstly, I long ago made an unspoken agreement with gastropods - they don't touch me and I don't touch them, this agreement has never caused me any problems as I don't really have a whole lot to do with our slimey little friends so I see no reason to break it just so I can savour the delights of a butter-fried snail.

http://www.grd-europa.co.uk/Log%20Images/18.07.08b.JPG


Eventually, I led Tommy, Tim and Fraser into Tokuno in pursuit of some three-headed wolves as they'd apparently stolen our cheese. I'm not sure about using a blatant lie to excuse culling half a species but they're not exactly the friendliest chaps in existence and so they probably had it coming.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

18th day of the 7th month

Yesterday I learned a number of things:


Lucius is a suicidal maniac who throws any chance we have of winning Walker's Earth Elemental Head game just so that he can stand toe to toe with three others and get himself beaten into submission.
Job cannot differentiate between pink and blue and seems to believe that he was on the 'Pink team' for yesterday's Bridge Training.
Rulers of far-away lands seemingly show a substantial lack of architectural originality when it comes to building their cities and a similar level of creativity when they decide what to name them. There is only one 'Yew' or 'Britain' and they're right here, in Sosaria and no one will take you seriously if you keep stealing ideas from other Kingdoms.
Tanya really thinks the worst of Louisa to the point of blindness, even if Lou buys all the children ridiculously expensive presents in an effort to take their minds off recent events it's clear that this is some foul plot to buy her way into their affections.

http://www.grd-europa.co.uk/Log%20Images/18.07.08c.JPG


I'm going to take this evening off as I'm quite frankly exhausted after a busy few days but no doubt I'll end up in the Keep anyway, after being driven out of house and home by my loving family.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

20th day of the 7th month

The Lost Lands were clearly designed by guerillas, or at least someone with a need to plan ambush after devastating ambush. Whilst we were never in any real danger, the Ophidians seem to possess an uncanny ability to leap out at you just when you least expect it, much like the Magistrate I suppose. No I am not comparing the Church to slimey reptilian monstrosities... well, maybe I am.

http://www.grd-europa.co.uk/Log%20Images/20.07.08.JPG


I had planned something stupendously exciting for this evening but Tanya informed me that she'll be taking the line at 8 o'clock as she wants to start nominations for some sort of Militia Awards Ceremony.
'Great'. Let's see how many nominations there are for 'Mother of the Year' or 'Most cheerful Rookie', an award where everyone with a Rookie rank will be nominated and there'll be no winner because everyone's equally bubbly!

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

21st day of the 7th month

Yesterday we had one of the best-combined turnouts I've seen in a good long while.
Turning up for duty were: Sineal, Tripps, Floria, Fraser, Gotrek, Tommy, Lumbard, Longshot, Verity, Annwyn, Lyson, D'Artigo, Smit, Kyra and of course Tanya.
Now we just need Wilkes, Cordelia, Atheratii, Aiden, Job, Lucius, Lex, Holly, Young, Oldar and my bloody son to turn up for duty once in a while and maybe find a replacement babysitter for Navaska.
Add those twelve to the aforementioned fifteen and we'll have the Covians and Vesperians well in hand.

http://www.grd-europa.co.uk/Log%20Images/21.07.08.JPG


Anyway, as I mentioned yesterday Tanya's got it into her head that we're going to have a Militia Awards Ceremony which now looks set to involve a huge amount of political correctness in order to boost morale instead of killing it. So 'Fattest person in the Militia' is out of the window and 'Cuddliest' is in. Now Walker's been nominated but everyone will forget that he's nominated due to his waist measurements and instead assume he's a kind, sensitive soul when really he eats babies on Tuesdays and values Boba life over Human.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

22nd day of the 7th month

It's good to see nothing changes when it comes to the type of recruits we attract, from your average teenager breaking out on his own, to your old veteran looking to start afresh, or a broken man escaping his past.
Of course then you end up with a female recruit who blows the above categories out of the water.

http://www.grd-europa.co.uk/Log%20Images/23.07.08.JPG


It would seem Tanya's feeling very insecure lately, taking my opinions on blondes in the tavern to mean that I obviously prefer them (despite having married only brunettes.)
It seems no matter what I say I can't win lately, I could've told her I only liked brunettes and she would have for the purposes of being pissed off at me decided that today her hair colour was some obscure shade of chestnut and not brown at all.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

23rd day of the 7th month

So I suppose we need to start looking for new Command members after both Walker and Tripps failed to win the Olympic tournament, granted Shunji won it which I suppose is a technical victory for Yew but it sure as hell doesn't feel like it.
I had hoped the threat of losing their jobs was motivation enough for Tripps and Walker to win but it would seem that a little pikey yellowskin had too much for them, especially when they let him carry their respective fights. I'm pretty sure just breaking his wrist to the point that he dropped his weapon, followed by promptly ramming his face into the cage bars would have been more than enough to seal victory.

http://www.grd-europa.co.uk/Log%20Images/23.07.08b.JPG


Ah well, there's an archery tournament and darts tournament this evening, which leaves me considering the fact that I probably have no chance of winning the archery tournament and my darts record speaks for itself, so maybe I should just watch?

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

24th day of the 7th month

I'm not perfect. I've never claimed or even attempted to be but amongst my many flaws I've never threatened a woman, at least not an unarmed, defenceless woman who weighs around half my body weight.
I've never thought highly of Covians, never regarded them with the slightest respect but a certain recruit of theirs (a dwarf) has plunged my perception of them into even greater gloom.
All evening he flung woefully inoffensive jibes at the assembled guardsmen and all evening he made disgusting remarks in the direction of Tanya. Those are expected, especially for someone so uncultured and moronic as he. However, I do draw the line at him concocting an excuse or even deeming threatening my wife with a mace an acceptable response to a supposed insult one of our 'lower ranks' made to his barmaid friend.

I was outraged as it was, having returned to find Tanya being threatened by a mace-wielding midget imbecile but to have him squirm out of the situation by refusing to settle matters like men or half-men as the case may be in relation to him and to duck behind the ceasefire, well this I was a little angered to say the least.
I gave him the option to take our dispute out of Vesperian territory but he refused, even the Vesperian Captain suggested a Duel of Honour but of course he was 'not wanting to fight'. I'm sure if I'd been 5'5", barely 7 stone in weight and blessed with breasts then he'd have happily agreed.

Unfortunately though, I just cannot allow this matter to rest and I won't be satisfied until I have the satisfaction of having rearranged the architecture of Cove, using his retarded dwarven face.
He may think by dragging Escaflowne off for a 'private talk' which got him off the hook that it's over but he has never been more wrong in his entire worthless life.

http://www.grd-europa.co.uk/Log%20Images/24.07.08.JPG


After cooling off a little, I was asked to deal with handing a Trainee her badge. Then I was dragged off to The Polearms by Tanya as she wanted to see the 'wretched whorehouse' for herself.
Of course, she as usual made a scene until we were actually upstairs watching the young lady undressing before us.
I wasn't particularly moved or excited by her cavorting around naked, after all once you've seen a few thousand naked women you've seen them all, right?
Plus whilst I may have watched dozens of similar 'shows' back as a kid in the Merries, I found myself sat there feeling like a pervert. This I suppose wasn't helped by Tanya glaring at me every time I took my eyes off the lantern in the corner of the room.
However, once we'd arrived home and were laid in bed, myself almost drifting off, Tanya queried whether it was wrong that she'd found the entire experience rather 'erotic'.
Despite what the Church might claim, in my mind there is absolutely nothing wrong with my wife finding a naked woman arousing.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

25th day of the 7th month

It would seem that one disadvantage of adding a bunch of newcomers to an already efficient fighting force is that it sets you back considerably. Whereas the others already know exactly what to do, the Trainees need to be taught from scratch.

I'm glad though as drills have become slack, people forget the basics and this gives us an excuse to go over them without crushing morale by informing everyone that they can't even remember stupidly easy things even though they actually can't.

http://www.grd-europa.co.uk/Log%20Images/25.07.08b.JPG


Anyway, yesterday evening a lot of people turned up for duty with us peaking at 17 guardsmen working all at once. Hell, we even went on a recruitment patrol again to 'Atlantic' with 16 of us in the dead of night, so all in all things are on the way up. Soon we can scrap plans for a gradual push into Vesper and Cove and cut straight to the shock and awe drive into the rebel heartland.
Or am I being too optimistic?

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

26th day of the 7th month

Years of conditioning from fighting countless enemies and beasts have seemingly prepared me for a career in the arena when I retire.
The mighty Olympic dragon proved no match for Walker and I and even the terrifying 'Kronos the Destroyer' fell pretty handily with a little assistance from Tripps.

Then again, I'm more likely to die horribly doing that than policing the world and leading the best damn fighting force the world has ever seen.

http://www.grd-europa.co.uk/Log%20Images/27.07.08.JPG


Tomorrow is Lily's birthday but I'll be working, so I have to somehow find a way to fit in a full day of work, taking her out shopping, preparing horses for the horse race, then working again in the evening and they say mothers have to juggle everything.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

27th day of the 7th month

So - I've been trying to find the best possible team for the Olympic team battle next week and it's proving rather difficult when you consider that Walker won't be there.
So I'm currently mulling over a team consisting of myself, Wilkes and a third who might be one of either Fraser, Longshot, Margera or Tripps.

http://img401.imageshack.us/img401/4968/fightsga5.jpg

We tested out the new Arduin Stadium but it still needs a little work. I'm going to start planning for a huge opening evening with a whole range of entertainment to kick things off.
Of course after that I'll be too busy to host anything regularly there so I'll need to find a management team who can be responsible for regular entertainment at the Stadium, which will be an even bigger job than doing it all myself!

http://img301.imageshack.us/img301/741/bagballoh4.jpg


We also took a clean-sweep of the medals in the horse race, putting us miles out in front of Britain who at last glance were our nearest rivals.
Things are definitely on the way up, we're slaughtering everyone else at the Olympics and we've now had five new Trainees in the last week. Of course I won't be happy until we have more Trainees than anyone else but this is progress to say the least.

http://img301.imageshack.us/img301/8716/horsesfv1.jpg


Lily apparently had the worst birthday ever after Ben uncharacteristically threw her cake across the room, hitting Thomas as he did so. Tanya was forced to take Thomas to the healers and so Lily lost her cake and couldn't go out to Britain and Francis and Annie managed to break her present during an argument.
Nathan didn't show up to see her so she was even more pissed off when I arrived home and didn't want to go out at all. I took her shopping anyway but she showed no interest despite her weeks of excitement leading up to it. I bought her a new cake but she didn't seem exactly overjoyed at that either.
I think I could have bought her anything and she'd still have been crushed thanks to that poxy boy not having turned up. When I see him I'll break his damn neck.

http://img301.imageshack.us/img301/5858/annwynbq3.jpg


Annwyn looked after Annie and Francis today and showed them around her tree house. I hate to think what they'd been telling her as I know how Annie is with secrets.
So if Annwyn mysteriously disappears in the near future it's because a certain eight year old girl has a big mouth.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

28th day of the 7th month

I'm glad for the privileges of rank, namely those that allow me not to be bossed around by a power-mad Trainee for more than a brief drill and patrol. I'm pretty sure none of us were expecting the treatment we were to endure under the leadership of Hope Demure, we figured her for a soft touch and we were proved wrong.

http://www.grd-europa.co.uk/Log%20Images/29.07.08.JPG


We managed silver and bronze at the Gauntlet yesterday too, with Drept and Fraser only bettered by some unpronounceable Skara Braen wielding a poison blade. Of course Wilkes didn't exactly help the situation as 'Second Guard' by taking a nap as this Zxenjib fellow bolted past Walker and into Wilkes' stretch.

Anyway - there's jousting tomorrow, which I'll participate in for a laugh and nothing else, having the same level of talent for these sorts of contests as I do for darts and gambling.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

29th day of the 7th month

So according to that old bastard barman from the Swaggers, there'll be an attempt made upon my life this evening at the Olympics.
I suppose this should bother me but truth be told 'attempts' are made upon my life on such a frequency as to make a mere 'possibility' of one about as intimidating as being shouted at by Cordelia.

I dare say this is just an attempt to scare me away from competing in the Olympics, I should be flattered I suppose as I quite clearly have Vesper and Cove running scared.
Needless to say even in the unlikely event that I would have reconsidered turning up tonight, being threatened only forces me to dare them to try.

http://www.grd-europa.co.uk/Log%20Images/29.07.08b.JPG


I haven't mentioned the situation to Tanya as quite frankly I wasn't presented with an opportunity but it's probably best this way. I might speak to Lou though, if only to ensure that if something does occur that nothing has been left unsaid.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

30th day of the 7th month

Well, yesterday had to be one of the most disappointing days of my life.
I can't really blame anyone for our victory, apart from rather paltry funding for our uniforms and weaponry, other than that we were simply undone by a better team I suppose.
No. We were better, of that I am sure. There's not a lot that you can do when you have an opponent almost floored and both of you miss nearly five times in a row, by the time you do hit she's recovered and sprinted off. We lost because there was something awfully fishy about our opponents and I'm not referring to the stench Esmeralda produced every time she parted her legs to enter into combat stance.

http://www.grd-europa.co.uk/Log%20Images/31.07.08.JPG

A silver medal - about as cherished or appreciated as a kick in the face.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

31st day of the 7th month

Well, it would seem Kiran is up to something. I'm not sure of what and I'm not too willing to find out, at least not yet. I'll wait until it's on my terms. The supposed assassination attempt was nothing more than pathetic, however Tanya heard the supposed 'yellowskins' at the docks talking earlier in plain Britannian. One even went so far as to inform the others that Kiran had sent for him. So what does that mean? Well it means exactly what I thought - don't trust anything that comes out of that hideous fool's mouth, least of all his supposed warnings. I don't remember him providing anything of use when he was on our payroll and I certainly don't expect him to be lending me a hand when he's not.

http://www.grd-europa.co.uk/Log%20Images/31.07.08b.JPG

Oh well - we scored a bronze medal in the boat race, all thanks to Tripps' rather abysmal captaincy, we were clear through with silver, when Tripps took us a few miles out to sea, by the time we recovered our course the Skara Braens had nipped ahead.

Tossers.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

1st day of the 8th month

I'm so glad Tanya and Louisa are blessed with their wonderful, feminine bodies. Waking up with either of them has always reminded me of just how lucky I have been in my life to be involved with women who aren't trying to rival my physique.
I can't imagine wanting to trade Louisa's heavenly curves or Tanya's toned, yet soft figure for someone I'd be terrified of letting go on top.
What possesses a woman to turn the most naturally beautiful thing in the world into the abomination that we all witnessed yesterday evening?

http://www.grd-europa.co.uk/Log%20Images/01.08.08.JPG


She can have her gold medal, she's earned it through ruining her body with whatever supplements it took to get her to the point where she stopped resembling a woman and started resembling something out of an orc cave.
So when she's wrinkled and old and her oiled up six-pack contrasts with her locks of grey hair, she can sit by her fireplace, alone and reminiscing about her one defining moment, clutching onto her gold medal. Of course if she continues juicing on whatever it is she's been using, then the chances are she won't be seeing old age.

- Dart

[Radek Wilkes]

250 Copper awarded.

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

2nd day of the 8th month

Well, I ended up at the birth. I also ended up staying the entire night. I came home this morning and spent around under a minute in the same room as Tanya and spoke probably less than twenty words before I headed off to work.

http://www.grd-europa.co.uk/Log%20Images/04.08.08b.JPG


The closing ceremony also took place yesterday evening and now I have to carry a huge Olympic sword with me after Yew effectively won the games.
As if I don't already have enough large weaponry hanging about.
Kiran seemed desperate to arrange some sort of meeting with me but I brushed him off, suggesting he contact my secretary. So good luck with that.
I'll make my move when I have a moment to think straight.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

3rd day of the 8th month

Somehow I managed to put everything to one side for a while yesterday and cause untold grief and psychological scarring to the men and women on duty.
I had them attend confession, only in public.

http://www.grd-europa.co.uk/Log%20Images/04.08.08.JPG


There was nothing particularly interesting revealed unfortunately, other than that Kros has a stalker and that Kros is a stalker.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

4th day of the 8th month

Yesterday was rather eventful with a huge loyalist force gathering in Stonekeep and then marching onto the border to see off a bunch of broken Vesperians and Covians.
They certainly don't want to be fighting us and I'm not sure they even know why they are anymore - nobody can take such a string of whippings and keep returning for more and have full mental capacity at their disposal. If you want proof look no further than Wilkes.

http://www.grd-europa.co.uk/Log%20Images/04.08.08c.JPG


I rather stupidly had the opportunity to kill off the Covian Sergeant once and for all and then let him live. The Besiegers were set to dump him into the river in full plate armour when I had an unexpected attack of conscience and told them to give him a bit of a kicking and leave him for dead. He'll be back again, they always are and no doubt he'll run a fresh out of nappies Trainee through in our next confrontation and make the whole merciful endeavour described above completely misguided. Stupid Swayne, who'd have thought she'd have morals?

http://www.grd-europa.co.uk/Log%20Images/04.08.08d.JPG

We went out in search of a wife for Kros later but failed miserably. Nobody wants to marry Kros and I'm sure if we could have found any women in Trinsic they'd have corroborated my claim.

- Dart

[The Task Team]

210 Copper awarded to Bladius Dart for your event running and logs.

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

5th day of the 8th month

It was a little surprising yesterday evening after sitting around the tavern with Tanya, heading off on a patrol, then paying a flying visit to Lou I arrived home to find Tanya gorging herself on a slice cake.
Now this is a little odd to begin with obviously but to then find out that she had eaten the entire thing herself was rather shocking. I didn't know whether to be happy that she'd taken to actually eating, or concerned that she was so bothered by something that she'd begun comfort eating.

http://www.grd-europa.co.uk/Log%20Images/07.08.08.JPG


I was glad we were still up even in the dead of night though, as Lily came bounding down the stairs and asked if she could stay in our room. Now, Lily obviously used to use every excuse she could fathom to sleep in our bed as a child but a teenager climbing into your bed isn't something you really expect. Apparently the lad up in her room, of whom I was unaware propositioned her and she reacted as calmly as possible by thumping him in the face.
I found evidence of his nose-thumpage on the ground in a pool of blood but with the windows wide open.

I hope it frigging hurt, as it might prepare him for when I find and beat the little prick to death.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

6th day of the 8th month

So Tanya issued those bloody Militia Awards and apparently I was at fault for not remembering to pick up the prizes I was never told to collect. My psychic abilities are obviously woefully inadequate.
Anyway - for some reason I was voted 'funniest', which admittedly isn't the worst title to win but now it puts me under immense pressure to be funny, when really the vast majority of my comedic genius results from the split-second production of sharp one-liners.

http://www.grd-europa.co.uk/Log%20Images/07.07.08b.JPG

We ended up in that bloody changeling cave again but made it out without being dealt any permanent damage. I've never been a huge fan of gargoyles, despite everything I've ever had the displeasure of facing off against, the gargoyles and their bizarre mutterings disconcert me. I won't say that they give me 'the willies' but they certainly aren't my favourite things to get stuck in with. It's something about the fact that they're not too much taller than me, have similar features to Walsh and can just flap their wings and loop over you in the middle of a fight. Then add in about thirty more of them and I start feeling a little uncomfortable.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

7th day of the 8th month

Well, I need to work a little more on my new bagball position. Whereas I used to spend most of my time piling through defenders in pursuit of goal, then legging it back to make goal line clearances, my role has changed a little. I've never had a vast amount of pace anyway, I can run for a good long while but never like lightning but I've definitely started to slow things down a bit but intentionally, I figure the less I base my entire tactic on speed, the longer I'll remain effective.
So I've started to play little more intelligently, I've always had an eye for a pass and the strength to hold off aggressive opposition so I put that to good use yesterday, taking on both opposition players only to thread the ball through to Radek for him to finish on numerous occasions.
I'll miss powering through a defence to smash the ball home but this is probably for the best.
My goal record is still for the most part untouchable and maybe with some more accurate finishers up front my little through balls will pay dividends.

http://www.grd-europa.co.uk/Log%20Images/07.07.08c.JPG


Anyway, I need to have a look for a certain arsehole who thought it'd be funny to give Lily a black eye but maybe I'll start pushing Francis into playing more regularly. Rhoen's busy ladding about town, Benjamin seemingly hates the sport and the other two are simply too young.
I can only hope to pass my skills and knowledge onto Francis in the hope that one of us might make some money out of our natural gifts.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

8th day of the 8th month

Francis is never leaving the house on his own again. I knew we'd been too lenient letting him play outside but yesterday he went too far and disappeared off without telling us where he was going.
Under the 'watchful' gaze of Smit and Nottinbury a wytch managed to abduct him, transport him to Louisa and then abandoned him.

During this time we were running around searching, with me visiting jilted lovers at the suggestion of Tommy. I failed to uncover much in the way of clues to assist in the search which wasn't a surprise when you consider that the longest conversation I managed was 'Hey, have y-' before the door was slammed in my face.
I'm not sure Tanya would appreciate me attempting to 'repair relations', whether it was under the pretence of assisting in future investigations or not.

http://img113.imageshack.us/img113/959/francisgoeswalkiesfy2.jpg


Either way, Francis is home and Tanya managed to feign fury long enough for him to understand he'd done wrong before she collapsed into a fit of tears.
So now I'm going to have my work cut out searching for a redhead wytch who according to Francis had 'nice tits', well it should at least make the hunt vaguely rewarding.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

9th day of the 8th month

Yesterday evening I arrived in Stonekeep to find all personnel on high alert for reasons unknown to me. It eventually emerged that a recruit had gotten lost somewhere in Yew and the Militia were desperately trying to find her.
Now we've had a good few recruits lately but if the entire garrison is going to erupt into panic the moment a single one goes walkabouts then we might as well cancel recruitment right now because those Trainees are going to go missing and they're going to die, it's a fact of life.

http://img373.imageshack.us/img373/9521/redrecruituq8.jpg

I eventually found her hanging around near the Lich Forest, although she was dressed entirely in red clothing. Francis' kidnapper had been wearing a similar get-up I'm told but Tommy saw both and seemingly drew no similarities between them, so either Nottinbury's helmet is doing more than just 'obscuring' his vision, or the lass from yesterday evening was not the same wytch with 'nice tits'. Which is good because otherwise my son has very bad taste in women. Then again I suppose falling for a wytch isn't exactly indicative of a brilliant judge of character and femininity.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

10th day of the 8th month

Well, taking Annie to a market bursting at the seams with canines is ill advised at the best of times but taking her to a market bursting at the seams with canines owned by Marksmen desperate to piss me off by trying to recruit my daughter was an immensely foolish idea.
I should have known it would happen but I'd hoped maybe that she'd be so overwhelmed by the huge daytime market that she'd not notice all the animals. Of course there were only two stalls so she couldn't help but notice everything on four legs.

http://img32.picoodle.com/img/img32/3/8/11/f_Saturdaym_a7665f8.jpg


Having dropped Annie off, I found myself staring down seven junior ranks in the Keep.
When Ian Sutherns is your most experienced guard in the line up you know you've got your work cut out but they weren't completely incompetent and there might actually be some potential in them.

Oh and I had some 'Damien Gaston' telling me all about one of Kiran's devious smuggling schemes, as if it was news to me that Kiran's a low-life criminal. I'd be more shocked if someone told me that Nadia had been a nine-digit tart.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

11th day of the 8th month

That was rather satisfying.
Despite our gracious allies of the Britannia Guard neglecting to turn up and our Skara Braen friends sending a lone wytch to assist us we struck a blow to the rebel threat.
Despite being outnumbered we held off wave after wave of Vesperians and Covians before counter-charging them into dust.
It wasn't a perfect performance by any stretch of the imagination but we survived an early scare to rally and drive them from our border.

http://img28.picoodle.com/img/img28/3/8/12/f_YESAWESOMEVm_ddcd594.jpg


However, whilst we may have snatched victory from the jaws of defeat, we cannot be expected to fend off two separate armies and their mercenaries alone for long.
Either the Britannians and Skara Braens lend a hand next time or they can stuff their alliance up their cosmopolitan arse holes and see how long they survive against the Covian and Vesperian onslaught alone.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

12th day of the 8th month

Well, despite doing a number of things I shouldn't have today, things with Tanya are seemingly pleasant again after all the nonsense with Louisa. Lily's roped me into taking her out 'undergarment shopping', which is fine because I imagine she'll be so mortified by me actually going with her that she won't actually buy anything anyway and if she does then I guess I'll just have to ensure that it's the least attractive thing in the shop.

http://img28.picoodle.com/img/img28/3/8/12/f_Quietnightim_9ecb24c.jpg

Tanya's been fussing about planning for Annie and Francis' birthday but I can't see what the huge excitement is about. We've come to a semi-serious agreement that I'll give Francis some arrows for that bow I bought him and maybe for his next birthday I'll teach him how to shoot it.

- Dart

[The Task Team]

285 Copper awarded

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

13th day of the 8th month

I've stared at this page and the torn pages beside me for hours now. I should write. I must write but my thoughts make no more lexical sense than ink blots and smudges.
The day had been going so well, the entertainment of moulding fresh clay into soldiers never gets old. It becomes a project, an undertaking, one that is ultimately most rewarding when you see them strap on their iron plate in years to come.

http://www.grd-europa.co.uk/Log%20Images/13.08.08.JPG


Seeing that lad curled up with his toy soldier brought things home: I am in some way responsible for yesterday, much like I was responsible for Jessica.
I could have stopped it all. If I'd just moved out as soon as I'd heard the reports of 'screaming', I might have had the chance. I'd have been outnumbered but I'd have done something. I'd have done more than sift through the twelve broken bodies and shattered dreams that we discovered later on, after I'd waited for a large enough force to effectively patrol Yew. After I'd done the damn thing by the damn book.
They don't prepare you for this sort of thing. Sure, they warn you that you'll see horrific sights but you never quite imagine what a 'horrific sight' constitutes until you wander into a room resembling more of an abattoir than a farmhouse. Seeing that child curled up in its mother's arms caused something to stir. No, not stir. Something reached down inside and tore thoughts and feelings from their safe little places and brought them screaming into the fore. Thoughts and feelings I battled to control and subdue every single day.
Everything about that place and that baby reminded me of her. Her little tightly squeezed hands and the sheer expression of horror. I had to cover the baby's face, not just out of respect but out of sheer desperation to avoid seeing Jess again.

After respectfully removing their remains and torching the Mill, we buried them, draped their grave in a Militia flag and saluted to the passing breeze. They weren't soldiers though, so why did we give them what equated to a military burial? Guilt?

http://www.grd-europa.co.uk/Log%20Images/13.08.08b.JPG


I've always had issues with my anger. I've always struggled to control it but I've never lost it so spectacularly as I did yesterday.
I don't know whether to be ashamed or at least relieved that I haven't punched a hole through a wall or worse: a poor, unsuspecting Trainee.
Losing it in front of the rest of the patrol was not my finest hour. I was angry, we all were but I was the only person beating Hoagie Grayner to death. I shouted reminders of 'restraint' before we marched on Cove, yet I was the only one lacking. So yes, I am ashamed.
Ashamed of my conduct, ashamed that I could have stopped it all and ashamed that despite losing it already that evening, I still threw a visiting Kiran down the stairs and then pummeled him. No, actually out of everything I'm not ashamed of causing him some measure of pain.
I don't care if there's no proof, he had something to do with it and he will pay.
He will pay in blood.

At least I managed to maintain some semblance of control during my interview with the Poste. Some. Not a lot.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

14th day of the 8th month

So Kiran denies his involvement in the entire matter but I don't believe he's as innocent as he claims. However, despite Kiran's claims that Militia incompetence and poor reactions caused the atrocity, it would seem that his men weren't as efficient at delivering information as he'd thought.

http://img244.imageshack.us/img244/4681/investigation150808oe5.jpg


Anyway, two Trinsicans showed up looking to assist in the investigation and offered to track down and arrest this 'Mischief' character that Kiran has pinpointed as our chief suspect.
Tripps will continue his investigations, so hopefully something will turn up soon so that we can make a move and bring someone to justice. Meanwhile we're supposed to be offering Kiran 'protection'.
What horrible luck it would be if that Militia incompetence were to play up again.

Anyway, I came home to find Louisa sprawled out downstairs, with Foley in his cot.
Apparently she'd gotten scared after hearing about the Mill incident and Tanya had taken her in, so last night was interesting.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

15th day of the 8th month

Well, teaching junior ranks how to fight is a frustratingly repetitive process.
You'd think it would be fun to beat the piss out of three annoying little individuals over and over again but apparently not.

http://img183.imageshack.us/img183/3547/traineesgetwhuppedjq0.jpg


Anyway, maybe they're beginning to learn from the endless beatings that it's wiser to block the hits or avoid them altogether.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

16th day of the 8th month

It's been a while since I plumbed the depths of Terort Skitas but yesterday we ventured there to deliver a ransom note for the book we stole so very long ago.
Hopefully by now the roaming hordes will have noticed that we nabbed their tome of evil and will want it back.

http://img244.imageshack.us/img244/4800/wow3billbi1.jpg


Of course they'll have to pay us 3,000,000,000 gold to have it returned to them and even then we'd have to find the ashes of the rather crispy pages but with 3,000,000,000 gold I'm sure we could do pretty much whatever we wanted.

Anyway, Lou's still here but surprisingly things haven't actually been all that bad. Nobody's been maimed yet, which is a turn up for the books.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

17th day of the 8th month

It's times like this that I wish I wasn't aware of all the things that occur in Yew.
With the Mill Massacre already keeping everybody on edge, we stumbled across evidence of undead and wytches, as well as the scene of a brutal murder. I had the Besiegers seal off the building but later sent some Trainees out to clean up.
Hopefully everybody will keep quiet about what we saw so that the general population aren't struck with terror all over again.

http://img507.imageshack.us/img507/4536/poorchildrenvn1.jpg


A child had gone missing according to accounts too but apparently she was found and taken up to the Abbey.
We had a look about before her safety was confirmed and all the evidence we could find pointed towards a rather violent fate. I looked the girl up in the registry at the Abbey.
'Betty Walton' lived with her father 'Adam Walton' just west of the town centre, he reported her disappearance and then was cut down by a Bone Warrior, in broad daylight in front of the second patrol into Yew.
According to the records Sandy Walton died four years ago in an accident at the Mill, so now the poor girl's an orphan.

We caught the wytch and 'shattered' the undead. It was thought that the wytch was the same one who had kidnapped Francis. However, Francis claimed he'd never seen her before. I'm not entirely sure I believe him and I get the impression a pretty woman with a nice pair of knockers could get him to say anything.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

18th day of the 8th month

Well, so much for keeping the newest murder under wraps. I paid a quick visit to Louisa yesterday evening after Tanya had fallen asleep and she told me she wasn't exactly comfortable living in Yew at the moment with the Mill and the most recent murders having taken place.
So for Louisa to have found out then it's pretty much guaranteed to be widespread news. Maybe I should start having the Militia sign non-disclosure agreements.

http://img145.imageshack.us/img145/3595/24md0.jpg


Anyway, all those recruitment efforts have paid off it would seem as yesterday evening we struck the Covian and Vesperian forces with twenty six Militia personnel, this combined with our four Skara Braen allies and our zero Britannia Guards led to a massive victory.
They never stood a chance and everything went according to plan, apart from me colliding with a tree, only to be caught in the blasts of numerous bombs and spells as well as being 'peppered' by a couple of volleys of arrows.
We secured our position and advanced to take control of the Crossroads Keep which promises to be a fantastic staging location for our inevitable push into Cove and Vesper.

Of course the Covians and Vesperians lingered in the woods for a while but they soon learned not to trifle with us, as we took back to Stonekeep the cap of Baron Von Richter and captured one of their Sergeants and one of their Scouts.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

19th day of the 8th month

I've savoured many different types of pie; pie from all four corners of the world but I've never quite understood the obsession with pastries. Having seen the types of pie a pastry connoisseur like Sineal Walker enjoys, I am quite satisfied that I am missing nothing at all.

http://img134.imageshack.us/img134/7897/pietastersa3.jpg


My run-ins with Trinsican pie and Skara Braen pie have been far more enjoyable than it would seem Sineal's have been. Whilst my Skara experience may have involved a fair bit of juicy thigh, none of it was green. Perhaps Mister Walker needs to expand his menu.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

20th day of the 8th month

I remember when I used to take clubbing fights seriously. Hell, there were once times where I trained for them religiously, however now the prospect of chasing some half-dressed man around an arena whilst trying to beat him with a big stick is something I prefer to leave to the confused and conflicted.

http://img136.imageshack.us/img136/6060/yesclubbingvictoryxt6.jpg


Walker didn't take too kindly to my attempts to spice the competition up, wading in during my epic battle with Nottinbury only to club me from behind, all the while ranting and raving about the 'madness' that is archery.
This coming from a man who worships apes, lives on a diet of pie and brandy, then complains about deprivation of the masses when we have to start ingot rationing after forging him a new set of extra extra extra extra large armour. The last one hasn't yet taken place to my knowledge but it's only a matter of time and pastry.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

21st day of the 8th month

I really shouldn't take part in quizzes. I learned long ago that it was in my best interest to avoid any knowledge contests not run by professional quizmasters.
You always end up with some plank posing a ridiculously obscure question that requires a stupidly specific answer. Of course even if you find the stupidly specific answer, they have it written down incorrectly because they are as previously mentioned a 'plank'.

http://img153.imageshack.us/img153/3711/wowthatsanaccuratequizpp7.jpg


Some girl from Trinsic has apparently taken pity on Yew and brought us loads of flour to tide us over during the flour shortage. I've had it put into secure storage as for now the rationing should be fine, however if the situation becomes dire then at least we have a few extra sacks to distribute. Of course, should anyone gain knowledge that we're withholding flour they'll be pissed off, regardless of our intentions.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

22nd day of the 8th month

Well, I must have done something unforgivable as Tanya has been in a mood with me since yesterday morning.
I don't know what it is that I could be so terribly guilty of. Maybe she's been reading over the Waywatcher reports I had in my office. According to these reports Kiran blames a Captain, Nottinbury and the Church for the deaths of the people of Abbeywood including his lover and daughter.
Well, the Captain can't have been me as I know for sure that I visited Abbeywood only once in an official capacity and never handled any further Abbeywood operations. I'm also pretty sure I would remember burning down an entire borough of Yew but when does hard evidence matter when it comes to slandering someone's reputation? Of course Kiran would say the same for my accusations, the difference is he's an evil bastard.

Either way if Tanya has been reading those reports and believes I had anything to do with anything mentioned above then she can go stuff herself. She should know me better than that. Why would I of all people happily subject someone to losing their wife and child?

http://img223.imageshack.us/img223/1585/artattackwy7.jpg


Longshot had a few of us painting up on the Citadel roof last night. I've never been one for art, however my main struggle wasn't actually painting but instead knowing what to paint. Longshot told us we were to paint how we felt. I only realised that nobody else had adhered to these instructions after I had spent what felt like three hours painting two separate landscapes depicting my conflicting thoughts.

Idiots.

- Dart

[The Task Team]

320 Copper awarded.

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

23rd day of the 8th month

Well, I never thought I'd resort to armed robbery to fund Yew's infrastructure.
My disguise wasn't exactly a masterstroke but it held long enough for me to make it back to the Abbey. I paused at Louisa's to get changed, although I think she didn't quite expect my fleeting visit to be as 'fleeting' as it was.
Unfortunately I spent the rest of the evening attempting to remove any specks of lipstick from my face.

http://img374.imageshack.us/img374/8568/freezingnipplescs4.jpg


Tripps is quoting me extortionate sums for fixing up both healers and rebuilding the Mill. I've given him a budget of forty to get all three finished but I don't see it happening. We simply don't have enough funding. I'm going to have to start looking at alternative sources of finance and soon. They've started work on 'Deep Forest Healing' though, so that's a positive twist. Hopefully Tripps won't injure too many more of ours attempting to get the place finished.

Tanya's reason for being moody lately is that she has been harbouring jealousy. Apparently a few random women have flirted with me right in front of her and I'd made suggestive remarks in return. I'm pretty sure my suggestive remarks weren't 'suggestive' at all but were rather interpreted as such because Tanya thinks everything that flies out of my mouth is innuendo or worse.
Her concerns were quite sweet really, I feel quite guilty now in retrospect.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

24th day of the 8th month

I don't know whether to be horrified by Annie's decision to read a poem about me out at the talent contest yesterday evening, or proud that she was brave enough to stand up in front of a room full of people voluntarily.

http://img353.imageshack.us/img353/3194/wooannieiscuteob8.jpg


I was just a little angered by the half-dressed Swaggers tart who decided to criticise my daughter's effort. I doubt she could have done much better when you consider the most intelligent thing to ever come out of her mouth is probably Baron Heath's phallus.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

25th day of the 8th month

Well, despite not being able to afford to pay the wages of half of the Militia, we managed with the few men I had at my disposal.
Hopefully we'll be able to force them from the area around the Crossroads Keep. Any further advances and we'll be right inside Covian territory. No doubt the fighting will grow fiercer but I'm confident we'll handle anything they throw at us.
Hopefully some day soon the Baron will bring at least a few men to assist us, after all without our intervention Vesper and Cove would be sitting pretty on the outskirts of Britain right about now.
What can you do though?

http://img83.imageshack.us/img83/3407/anothervictoryinbwqw6.jpg


The children seem to be a little hungrier than usual, whilst we have extra rations due to the sheer volume of children I don't think it's having much of an impact or making much of a dent in their hunger.
Something's got to give eventually.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

29th day of the 8th month

What a week!
On Monday evening I spent my time going back and forth between my office and the tavern, speaking to Walker, Raslo and Longshot.
Then Tanya went off with Annwyn to obtain baked goods from Trinsic and distribute them to houses around Yew. What a lovely gesture. Now if only she'd left some at ours.

http://img526c.imageshack.us/img526/9991/officeworkmg2.jpg


On Tuesday we walked right into a trap set by that wytch again, however one of the Templars came to the rescue by judging that her appearance was of utmost importance to her. Apparently a threat to permanently scar her was more terrifying than the repeated beatings dealt out by the Besiegers.

http://img204c.imageshack.us/img204/9551/whatanightow3.jpg


Then when we arrived home, a Templar announced that House D'Gar had been removed from power. I don't really know what's going on there. I don't know ultimately care all that much either, there are far more important things taking place at the moment than disputes between the Church and House D'Gar. Of course I'll inevitably find myself caught between the two but whilst neutrality remains an option I'll grasp it for as long as I possibly can. With the impending famine, blight, budgetary restraints, war and Louisa deciding that it's too dangerous for her to stay in Yew with Foley and disappearing off to Britain I have a few other things on my mind.

http://img184.imageshack.us/img184/5732/padanum7.jpg


On Wednesday, a 'Padan Fain' stumbled into Stonekeep with an offer to buy Minoc from a client of his.
Apparently this Mister Fain is a wanted man, so I had him hauled into a cell where I proceeded to unleash the ultimate in interrogation techniques - the Heavy Crossbow.
Whilst he decided to threaten the butchering of my son, he also revealed a few names that will have hopefully proved useful to Tripps and the Waywatchers in their investigation of the Mill incident. Apparently Tripps later had his arm hacked off. Hopefully it was the same arm that I'd fired a bolt through from about three feet away.
It would seem Kiran was responsible for the whole thing after all and the slimy bastard dared to accuse me of making baseless accusations. I wish the 'fall' he'd taken down the stairs inside the Tradepost had proved fatal.

http://img153.imageshack.us/img153/3886/confidencenb0.jpg


Yesterday we received word as I previously mentioned that Louisa had decided to take Foley to Britain and she seriously suggested that we send the others too as it's simply not safe in Yew anymore. It's left a bit of a dent in my pride but she's right. I'd rather my children were as far from here as physically possible at the moment but I also don't believe they're safer than they ever will be with me. So short of taking some rather inappropriately timed leave and heading off to Britain I can't see an alternative.
Tanya wasn't exactly over the moon that Louisa had addressed the letter to just myself but in what must have been something of an unprecedented occurrence she agreed with Louisa's sentiments.
I wonder if Lou's move will be permanent. Maybe it's for the best if it is. It's not like I've seen much of either of them since the murders at the Mill.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

1st day of the 9th month

Well, it's been a busy few days.
I'm writing this from our allocated quarters in Britain; the Warrior's Guild.
Whilst everyone else is probably frolicking around in their bedrooms and luxurious accommodation we're sleeping rough on bedrolls in a draughty Keep.

For the most part my days have been filled with monotonous work with brief moments of excitement. However, yesterday we crushed rebel opposition, captured the Crossroad Keep, held a huge medal ceremony and I was handed a set of notes on the rebellion's War Council meeting.
Apparently they planned to forward me a trapped crate, to seriously injure me and put me out of action. I suppose I should be happy I'm considered such a threat to their existence that they're constantly planning assassination attempts.
I guess I won't be opening any crates in the near future.

http://img170.imageshack.us/img170/8987/lotsofthingscm7.jpg


Floria and Navaska have rented a house for the week (Maybe I should just stop paying Floria, she clearly doesn't need the money!) in Britain and the children are either staying there or with Louisa, who rather conveniently is also here as I mentioned the other day.
It would seem that no matter where I go the potential for domestic disaster follows.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

2nd day of the 9th month

Well, I don't think my speech went down too well with my fellow mooters.
Whilst everyone else used the opportunity spout messages of peace and love, I was a little more 'direct' I suppose, much to the chagrin of Duke Irvyn.

The ball was fairly quiet, with most complaining that the sight of the hideous floor caused extreme nausea rather than any great provocation to dance the night away.
Heath approached me with the offer of handing Kiran over in exchange for ensuring he never returns to Vesper. That shouldn't be overly difficult.

http://img149.imageshack.us/img149/7775/firstnightsx1.jpg


Later that night Tanya was curled up beside me on our bedrolls, when she mentioned how awkwardly aroused she was.
Not wanting her to go without, I took great care to see to her every need under the blankets... and downstairs between the bookcases... and under the table.
Hopefully everybody else on the same floor suffers from chronic deafness, either that or I can hope they simply ignored Tanya's moaning, groaning, screaming and use of expletives. Although, she did 'try' and keep quiet. However, it was all a purely innocent endeavour in pursuit of another addition to our family.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

5th day of the 9th month

One of these days I'll have a really uneventful week, a week where I don't sit around a table for hours on end negotiating, don't arrest a mass murderer who then escapes under the watch of twenty guardsmen and don't decapitate a second mass murderer after he claims to be the sole perpetrator of the Mill atrocity.

http://img241.imageshack.us/img241/5730/talksfv7.jpg

Tanya's been close to breaking point all week and with the added pressure of not being allowed to see any of the children incase she's followed I imagine she's felt a little helpless.
We attended a market on the Wednesday and all was going so well until she was confronted with child murderers wandering around freely.
Later on we arrested Kiran and had him 'secured' on the roof of the compound. Of course I hadn't quite counted on nobody responding during the apparent rescue attempt, meaning only four guardsmen were on hand instead of a figure five times that.
Kiran has gone into hiding it would seem but for the moment I think most are content with knowing Padan Fain is dead. Of course they won't be satisfied with that for long and I can imagine it'll only be a short while before we're again searching for Kiran.

http://img387.imageshack.us/img387/686/117sofarcy5.jpg

I was always skeptical of Fain's sanity but even I was a little shocked by his behaviour yesterday evening, whilst we continued the torture for hours he spent the vast majority of the time changing his plea and story. Apparently not only did he murder everyone at the Mill alone but he had no part in the matter at all and his butchering of the little boy he sent to me in a box with the name 'Francis' carved into his flesh was an act of mercy.

http://img518.imageshack.us/img518/3418/decapyq4.jpg


It's been years since I used a hatchet and even longer since I used one to decapitate a foe but out of all the kills I mustered during my youth with an axe none were so satisfying as watching Fain's head fly into the air amidst a fountain of gore.
However, despite having removed the immediate threat I don't feel at peace with the matter at all, in fact if anything it's only strengthened my resolve and desire to hunt down each and every one of them.
So it's not over. It's not over by far.

- Dart

[The Task Team]

280 Copper awarded.

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

8th day of the 9th month

Well, against all odds we have a peace. A temporary one no doubt but still a peace.
I'm pretty happy with the way the negotiations went, granted Cove and Vesper didn't agree to surrender entirely but then we didn't offer them the opportunity either.
No doubt this won't last and we'll be back at each other's throats in no time but for now we have a moment to consolidate our position and resolve domestic issues.

http://img206.imageshack.us/img206/1516/saturdayjh9.jpg

We're back in Yew now, work is under way and The Order has been formed. I have a number of matters I want them to resolve over the coming weeks but I'll give them a day or so to settle into their new jobs.
Tripps and Amarante were married yesterday during a delightful ceremony. I'm sure the ceremony would have been ten times as delightful had the wedding not been forced.

http://img206.imageshack.us/img206/1065/sundaysepes7.jpg


I'm now making arrangements to have the children returned. I'm not sure how long that will take but if time is what is required to ensure that they remain safe then the organisation will have to take time and Tanya will simply have to gaze upon their empty beds for a few more nights.
I hate to see the look in her eyes every evening but I prefer the look of distant longing to the inconsolable stare of loss. I would know; I caught my own gaze in the mirror enough times after Jessica. I still do now.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

21st day of the 9th month

I've never enjoyed planning family outings. The logistics involved are parallel to planning troop movements, something I've never been overly fond of.
Everyone always forgets something and there's always one little tosser dragging their feet at the most inopportune time.
However, planning family outings amidst mass hysteria with only a few hours notice is not something I ever want to repeat again.

It all began with Louisa appearing at our door, Foley in her arms and fretting about having been followed. Lou's usually semi-unflappable but she was rather uncharacteristically nervous thanks to this. Tanya needed little provocation to panic, deciding then and there that we had to take the children and hide them all over again. However, this time she wanted to accompany them as she could think of nothing worse than being apart from them for the second time in only a few weeks.
You can imagine how things went from there; if Tanya was going then Louisa was also going as she wasn't about to have her children travel a few hundred miles without her.
Somewhere during this discussion it was realised that neither of them stood much of a chance of defending them in the event of one of Kiran's associates discovering them, so I was drafted in as protection. As confident as I am in my abilities I'm under the impression that I'd be a little over-stretched to look after everyone on my own. I managed to rope Rhoen into the equation and he was pretty damn enthusiastic about the adventure until he stepped off the boat onto the Jhelomian dock and spied what all men have come to fear - the armpit hair of a Jhelomian bachelorette. Rhoen was subsequently thoroughly depressed for the remainder of our stay. However, Benjamin seemingly has no such standards as he returned to the inn room on our second day with a girl on his arm. I'm glad he's not queer but surely a butch Jhelomian is only a step or two up the ladder from raving man lover?

Francis spent most of his time at the pits, watching beefy mercenaries clatter the shat out of one another. He seemed to enjoy the spectacle and seemed more enthused about becoming a guard than ever before, I'm not sure Tanya or Lou shared his enthusiasm but ultimately it's not their opinion that counts.

The atmosphere could be described as 'awkward' at best, with Tanya visibly jealous of Louisa and now more desperate for a baby than I've ever seen her before. However, I'm not sure a pregnant woman is exactly what I need in the current climate, so I've requested that we wait until everything has calmed down. Still, Tan brought with her the outfit she'd intended to wear to the Masquerade party and made no secret of her intentions to wear it whilst we were both alone, unfortunately we weren't alone when she mentioned it, taking great effort to rub the entire theoretical scenario in Louisa's face. It's as if she seizes every single opportunity to challenge or provoke her. Then she'll complain when Louisa's calculated revenge comes into fruition. All I can do is steer well clear of the entire situation for as long as I physically can. So that equates to what, twenty minutes?

Annie has discovered her calling, having spent her time feeding animals at the farms. She apparently now wants to be a farmer. Hopefully this is just another one of those phases, such as the period she went through where she proudly announced that one day she was going to be a pony.

http://img176.imageshack.us/img176/2001/madnesspapersdt3.jpg


Anyway, I'm home and for the most part I can breathe a sigh of relief.
I am currently staring down what can only be described as a 'glacier' of paperwork and I can't wait to get started.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

22nd day of the 9th month

It would seem that the term 'positive' holds varying definitions with both genders.
To women making a positive remark about someone involves complimenting an individual on one of their better attributes, or bare-facedly granting them unfounded confidence by lying.
Whereas according to these books piled beside me men would have you believe complimenting someone involves picking a blatant flaw and highlighting that blatant flaw in a positive manner.

http://img372.imageshack.us/img372/9020/backmu7.jpg


I don't really know where I'm going with this, I'm just in one of those rambling moods which can be attributed to it being the early hours of the morning and me being the only person awake.
I need to find myself a hobby, something to focus the seemingly endless sleepless nights upon. My hobbies used to involve copious amounts of booze and boobies but now with both seemingly off the menu indefinitely I need to find something more constructive.
I could try painting. I'm not sure what I'd try to paint but it's worth a shot.

http://img354.imageshack.us/img354/3194/boredlittlestickmanqz0.jpg


I prefer doodling but I'm clearly devoid of any talent in that area.
Even my stickman looks bored to tears.

- Dart

[The Task Team]

130 Copper awarded

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

1st day of the 10th month

Well, it's been an eventful few days. In between spending hours in planning sessions, handling my regular paperwork and turning up for 'proper duties' Tanya and I have been 'planning' an extension to our family. I say 'planning' but I don't think there could be anything less methodical or organised than the way we're going about it. Actually, I'm sure there are plenty of things but I think I'd prefer to imagine the chaotic scene with Tanya rather than anything involving a shambolic Trinsican formation.
On Sunday I tried again to build morale and friendships within the Militia. I can't believe I'm having to put myself in a position where I'm actively encouraging grown men to play nice. However, my objective in the long run is to minimise in-fighting and focus aggressions and tensions outwards.

http://img101.imageshack.us/img101/5859/hoorahps8.jpg


Annie is growing increasingly jealous of Emily as she's now my 'baby'. She's going through a phase where she'll refuse to leave the house if it involves Emily staying home because that'll mean her arch-nemesis will spend more time with Daddy.
It was cute to begin with but it's now ever so slightly getting on my tits.
There was a dessert table in the tavern on Monday night but nobody seemed very interest in the ingredients on offer. It's easy to forget that despite all being a bunch of knicker-wearing nancy boys for the vast majority of them it's pie or nothing and not even the right kind of pie.

http://img440.imageshack.us/img440/7152/tavernandfightingwoocw6.jpg


Yesterday my shift was over before it had even begun. I'd spent most of my evening knuckling down with paperwork and by the time I'd finally gotten around to milling around the Keep I only had time to fling a few cheery remarks in the direction of Stocks.

http://img440.imageshack.us/img440/916/fuckinghelleloiseismoodfx2.jpg


Anyway, I need to go and research how I milk a dairy cow. Quite literally.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

5th day of the 10th month

It's lucky I suppose that I grew up around my mother breastfeeding Robert and the twins. I was exposed to the fact that milk is procured in a rather 'odd' manner from birth. However, despite having seen all my children fed in the same way and despite having occasionally enjoyed a mug of warm milk I don't think I'll ever be approaching the 'white stuff' with the same enthusiasm again.
After gazing down at the pail of milk we'd obtained from the teats of Daisy I can safely say that I'll be sticking to water and booze for the foreseeable future.

http://img90.imageshack.us/img90/7595/milkisforpervertsxu3.jpg


I still need to find something to donate for Tanya's charity auction. This is easier said than done when you consider that the vast majority of memorabilia I once had I have lost after numerous house moves and angry ex-lovers throwing things out of my windows.
I don't really know what I could donate as nothing I seem to own has any real significance.

http://img78.imageshack.us/img78/7126/ifeelsickrg6.jpg


I've also come to the conclusion that every single bleeding dungeon on the face of Sosaria can be divided into a few specific categories. I haven't quite worked out what these categories are yet but you just have to look at the cave walls, oddly familiar stalagmites and conveniently arranged crates and chests to know that whoever dug these tunnels out must have repeated the pattern a further four thousand times for the hell of it.

http://img219.imageshack.us/img219/360/garglingux8.jpg


Don't even get me started on the stone tombs.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

13th day of the 10th month

Women are wonderful creatures. However, this constant burden of being wondrous and amazing obviously has a dramatic impact upon their ability to guide a patrol from A to B. I won't criticise as balancing wonder with directional sense is an acquired skill, it takes time to master and quite clearly with so much cleaning, cooking and nursing of children to cram into a single day it's very difficult to find the time to learn your way around. Perhaps we should begin to issue maps but it's not like any of them would be able to read the bloody things.

http://img89.imageshack.us/img89/8653/121008wh6.jpg

Madsen is apparently on the lookout for a female companion. I was tempted to suggest he take up permanent residence in Naeloth but I decided to help him. Maybe if he settles down with a woman he'll become less of an obnoxious prick. I don't hold out much hope for him but then I don't imagine his parents did either and if his own mother couldn't love him then nobody can expect the rest of civilisation to be able to stand him. However, I considered this something of a challenge and I was bored.
Anyway, I consulted my little black book and discovered that Madsen doesn't have much in the way of standards, which I suppose explains a number of things. It would seem that if the 'woman' is female and has blonde, brown, black or red hair he'll be happy enough to marry her. Unfortunately those criteria failed to narrow down the search at all, so I began suggesting potential matches.
It would seem Leo wasn't particularly enthralled by the idea of marrying Nadia and limiting the search to no total head cases took Holly out of the equation.
Consulting the book right now I'm struggling to find many women who aren't nearing insanity or at least an unhealthy level of possession.

http://img217.imageshack.us/img217/7840/131008hh3.jpg

I suggested Tracy. She was a nice girl. Other than the apparent desperation to be a mother she had very few flaws and certainly not aesthetically. Alright, she dressed rather liberally but I've never had much of an issue with that type of girl after all if I was blessed with a pair of baps and society didn't shun me for being a he-she freak then I'd probably show them off a fair bit too, or just never leave the house.

- Dart

[Floria Tenne]

185 Copper awarded.

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

18th day of the 10th month

Well it's been an eventful week with us raising a fair amount at Tanya's charity auction towards the bedraggled farming families of Yew, people spent their time bidding ridiculous amounts for the most worthless items all in the name of a good cause. The evening ended very positively with us raising over 1.5 million gold crowns, liberating the bust of Sanct Damien from the honeyfied paws of Escaflowne and trouncing the Vesperians not once but twice.
A good showing of guardsmen was only marred by the fact that so many of them were stingy as hell when it came to donations. Wilkes of course was bidding 50,000 on everything and anything. Yes Wilkes, money may buy you a worthless replica cap but it won't buy you the paternity of your children.
Tanya ended up getting a little beaten and bruised by some Vesperian who assumed she was in possession of the bust, everyone was too busy trying to claim his head to actually protect her. Thankfully she's alright now though.
Tried to ransom a Vesperian wytch back to Escaflowne but apparently he lacked the necessary finance to complete the deal, how the hell am I supposed to ransom back troops if the enemy can't pay up? It negates the whole concept and is quite frankly rather annoying.

http://img221.imageshack.us/img221/4269/141008dh9.jpg


Then the next day I found myself dragging the lads and lasses around in pursuit of recruits, we were of course informed that we were part of a 'lame guild'. I can't imagine there's much call for a union of cripples, then again isn't that effectively what 'The Order' is? Or is that a 'Gathering of Geriatrics'?
Later we ended up fighting our way through the Shrine of Honesty and its giant population in a pursuit that only further compounded my hatred of patrols.

http://img221.imageshack.us/img221/3159/151008cb9.jpg


Walker had us trying our hands at agricultural improvements the other day too. I came up with numerous ideas involving suspending objects above the ground before settling on rain collectors that funnelled water down pipes to be sprinkled over fields at the behest of farmers in a dry season. I was quite impressed by my innovative engineering and Walker apparently was too, however he was also seemingly impressed by the opposing team's crop-burning device, so I'm not quite sure he fully understood the amazingness that was our rain-collector-storage-sprinkler system.

http://img221.imageshack.us/img221/4733/161008jj7.jpg


Then yesterday we conducted a search of guardsman owned residences. It would seem that the vast majority of the Militia live like kings, from their exotic villas to their forty storey apartments. We ended up traipsing around our humble home, whilst Lily slept upstairs. Smit waltzed into her room at once stage and began rooting around through her things, at least he didn't start leering at her, I suppose the goat we found in his house keeps him busy enough.
Apparently everyone woke her up as she arrived in the Keep shortly after we returned, shouting and screaming about there being burglars or ghosts. She eventually calmed down when I brought her home but the whole ordeal has made her terrified of being left alone.

http://img221.imageshack.us/img221/8296/171008md7.jpg


Tanya and I woke up this morning to find Lily nestled between us in bed, which is just a tad odd when you consider that she's 13. It might've been cute a few years ago but now it's just a little bit weird.
An alternative she suggested was that Nathan can stay over with her when Tan and I are both at work, it's almost like she thinks I was born yesterday and as naive as her mother.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

21st day of the 10th month

It's been a busy few days.
In which I've advertised the position of 'Stonekeep Treasurer', interviewed applicants and offered the job.
Tanya's not particularly overjoyed at my choice of applicants but Louisa was surprisingly the best qualified for the job. Plus there's not too many I'd trust with Militia funds.
I think her main issue is that I'll only be separated by a few feet of wall and a door from a woman who has made me stray on more than just the one occasion. Of course I've promised Tanya nothing will happen and it won't. I'm a changed man and being this close to Lou will just prove to be the ultimate test of my new found fidelity.

http://img03.picoodle.com/img/img03/3/10/21/f_211008m_72b97b5.jpg


I'm so utterly buggered.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

24th day of the 10th month

Thomas has been feverish for the last few days which has led to Tanya being at her maternal best.
To be honest I think he's managed an admirable job of faking the entire scenario; I caught him leaping around yesterday morning only for him to dive under his blankets at the first sound of Tanya ascending the stairs.
I didn't want to ruin his little scheme and he did seem to be brightening up quite a bit yesterday evening so hopefully he was actually suffering at some point and not just playing Tan like a fool.
That came out slightly wrong. Of course I would have preferred if he wasn't suffering at all I just... never mind.

http://img222.imageshack.us/img222/9656/241008pp4.jpg

Bingo this evening. My previous experience with this ludicrous past-time involved a great deal of abuse being flung at Walsh and suspicions of the entire game being rigged. Good times.

- Dart

[Radek Wilkes]

170 Copper awarded

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

27th day of the 10th month

Why can people just never get along? I spend my life mediating between one party and another or in the case of last night shouting at them both and being utterly disgusted by their behaviour.

http://img219.imageshack.us/img219/3582/261008al2.jpg


I punched more than one wall last night, which is a great display of control if ever there was one. I should be grateful nobody else was around to see it or that I didn't leave any permanent marks.
They can kiss goodbye to their bonuses though, unworthy bastards.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

29th day of the 10th month

Well, I knew working just a room apart from Louisa would be awkward but I didn't realise she'd attempt to amplify said awkwardness by turning up at The Deer on Monday evening and scooting extra close. She did everything in her power to tick Tanya off and succeeded in doing so.

Tanya proceeded to drink heavily for the rest of the evening before eventually wandering home, I of course had to stay a little late and handle a Trinsican distress call and some paperwork.
Apparently Stirling and Kendall have been causing a little trouble in West Trinsic and in the absence of any Duchy Guardsmen, the fellow whom I can barely understand requested our assistance.

After a lot of chasing, we finally apprehended one of the four and handed her over to the Duchy and I arrived home to deal with outstanding papers. Floria took the opportunity to inform me that she had unintentionally used poison during the skirmish and was willing to accept the prescribed punishment.
Giving the order to have my eldest flogged was not the greatest feeling in the world but she knew exactly what she was getting into.
I didn't want to watch though, so I stepped into the office, only to find Louisa staring me down. She seemed a little upset, so I queried what was wrong thinking it was something to do with the issue that had arisen over Tanya suggesting Cordelia, her and the children get together some time.

Apparently there was no issue, or at least not one of immense importance as she shoved her tongue down my throat without saying a word.

http://img517.imageshack.us/img517/817/291008va2.jpg


She then blamed me for the entire occurrence, saying that I couldn't do this to her again and that if it happened anymore then she'd resign. Her justification for kissing me? She saw me stood there.
I hope she shows a little more restraint in future or our working relationship is going to be very very brief.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

30th day of the 10th month

I've woken up to a few odd sights in my time but none more so than the view of a gigantic black skeleton towering over the graveyard. It would seem that someone somewhere thought it'd be funny to invade Yew with odd shadowy creatures, little green men and floating swords.
We were taken a little by surprise I'll admit but I think we've grasped how to beat them now, despite the fact that projectiles seem to empower the creatures rather than harm them, which is a bit of a bugger.

Tanya spent most of yesterday in a mood with me, apparently ridiculously paranoid over the situation with Louisa. She expects me to use my authority to ensure Lou leaves Yew, I'm not quite prepared to do that, which led to her ranting and raving at me about how I'm irresponsible and put my own needs before everyone else's because by keeping her around I'm endangering us all.
Emily refused to go to sleep, so I ended up bringing her with me and she's now curled up in my lap on the floor of the office. Lou came in a few minutes ago and seemed to delight in discovering that Tanya and I had argued and was happy to increase the 'danger' by kissing me again. She then attempted to steal my journal, despite my claims that it was classified information. I managed to fend her off though, in all these years the defences of this blasted book have only been breached three separate times and I won't allow her to have a second look.

http://img507.imageshack.us/img507/9676/301008ne7.jpg


My legs are going a little numb now, which is surprising when you consider that I probably weigh about seven times what Emily does and yet she still feels like a sack of ore. If she doesn't wake up soon then I think I'll have to find a way to travel without the use of my lower limbs.

The paperwork is stacking up again; I keep expecting it to crash down on top of us both. In some ways I wish it would, with some of the things that were said last night, I'm in no mood to face Tanya and being drowned in reports and orders seems preferable to going home and being accused of adultery and all.
During periods of crisis, I usually try to find alternative issues to focus upon; however this is not quite what I was looking for.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

31st day of the 10th month

Well, I was apparently very irresponsible bringing Emily to work with me, as I could have at least left a note.
I'm sure she's right but at three o'clock in the morning I was barely awake, let alone in my most responsible of moods.
It would seem there have been demon sightings in the town centre, although no patrols have so far confirmed this. The shadowy creatures are becoming more daring but as their advances grow bolder the efficiency of our tactics increases to match.
Whilst we can fend off their attacks, we know very little about who or what these creatures are and so our intelligence gathering will have to double if we're ever to drive the threat from Yew.
Apparently similar invasions are popping up across Sosaria but we appear to be the only ones special enough to receive an invasion of shadows and little green men.

http://img525.imageshack.us/img525/7691/311008hf4.jpg


Leo's apparently had the amazing idea of trying to seduce Louisa to supposedly get her off my back and get himself laid. Whilst I admire his belief that he can punch above his weight, I'm not quite sure who he thinks he's kidding in believing he'd have a chance in hell.
I told Lou what he'd said and we had a good laugh about it, whilst I felt increasingly guilty at spending that much time near her and then returning home to say that 'I barely see her' and that 'I haven't done anything'. Truth be told I haven't done anything other than be kissed but all I have to do is stand in the same room as another woman these days to feel as if I'm going to be labelled as an adulterous manwhore.
Alas, it would seem she's very much committed to moving to the Abbeyview apartments, perhaps if I could be bothered to intervene I could find a way to halt her in her tracks but right now Tanya's whining is serving more to piss me off than to drive me to find a solution.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

1st day of the 11th month

I'm not perfect and maybe the Guardian costume Tanya wore was more suited to me than that of the angel I was impersonating but I'm pretty sure the guilt I'm feeling right now is somewhat misplaced.
Yesterday during the Halloween party I nipped home to check on the children, to find Lou sat downstairs apparently waiting for us to return after sending Floria home.
Let me make this clear - I didn't do anything, which considering my penchant for female Waywatchers and my inability to control myself around Louisa is pretty impressive when you understand that she was stood there dressed as a Waywatcher and was tossing innuendo and suggestive remarks at me like I throw verbal abuse.

http://img65.imageshack.us/img65/6290/011108ri2.jpg


Alright, she kissed me and maybe it took me a second longer than it should have done to pull away but I did pull away and for me that's a bloody turn-up for the books.
I rejected her. I'm not leading her on, I'm not pretending that one day in the near future we'll run away together, I stopped her and I left.
In terms of my willpower this is simply amazing and yet I still feel like I've not just been kissed but that I've kissed her back, then thrown her onto my marital bed and banged her senseless for three hours whilst Tanya wonders where I've gotten to.
I could have done that and I didn't and why? I suppose that's where the problem lies, I didn't do it because I didn't want to, I didn't do it because I shouldn't. I did it because I'm tired of being blamed for being the source of everyone's heartache and for once I wanted to appear as 'the good guy' and feel all that being 'the good guy' entails. Self-respect, validation and control. So being 'the good guy' effectively made me feel the same as I always do I suppose.

I really shouldn't explore my feelings like this, my self-loathing has increased tenfold but I suppose I can look back on yesterday fondly:
Annwyn won third place wearing effectively what she wears every single day, Madsen dressed up as a gypsy and actually looked less like a pikey than he does in his uniform, Larynda came as herself and I met a bloke who actually thought he was once a Goblin King. On top of that I managed to persuade Tanya to wear red leather and I wandered into my home to find the woman of my dreams decked out in the greatest uniform ever conceived.
Now if only they were on good terms and more willing to get to know each other a little better whilst I watched, I could die happily tomorrow knowing that I had seen and accomplished everything I could ever wish for. Joining in would just be the icing on the cake of life.

- Dart

[Louisa Dart]

340 Copper awarded to Bladius Dart.
40 Copper awarded to Tanya Dart.

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

3rd day of the 11th month

Annie's persistence is driving me up the wall, no, strike that; she's driven me through the flaming wall. Her determination to become a Sister of the Avatarian Church has led to my adorable little girl evaporating into this over-zealous wretch who constantly criticises my own sins. She fails to understand that if I wasn't as sinful as I apparently am she wouldn't bloody well exist.
Yesterday Louisa convinced me to attend mass in Cove with her and Annabel, I gave Annie strict instructions to ensure she kept her mouth closed, her head bowed and her judgements to herself and what does she do? She spends the entire mass raising her arm to ask the Templar questions and even donated grapes as a gift for him to eat. Everyone else is 'awwing' but I'm too busy trying to rip my fricking eyes out of my head so as to avoid having to bear witness to anymore of this torture.

http://img47.imageshack.us/img47/4431/031108cq7.jpg


It would appear we have a serial killer on the loose, he's been hacking up corpses and dumping the remains in and around the Keep. There might be a single killer or there might be multiple ones but a 'Happy Jack' took credit for our two latest findings. I've raised the alert and scheduled more patrols for the surrounding area but we have next to nothing to go on other than pure speculation.
Louisa seems to be in something of a mood with me, yesterday I spent half of the day stood in her office going over paperwork with her and only once did she crack a smile. If this is how our working relationship is going to continue then I might sack her because it's too weird.
There's something odd about her asking if I want to make the size of my phallus my security question answer and not grinning at all whilst suggesting it. Then again she did also suggest my 'childhood sweetheart' or my 'soulmate' as alternative questions so maybe she was trying to be serious and the dimensions of one's member are actually used in the world of finance as passwords.
We agreed that she should be able to ask me anything and know if it was the correct answer, although I'd hope she would recognise me anyway. However, in this line of work I suppose you're only ever one step away from horrific facial scarring and having to wear a plate helmet even in bed or having a sneaky wytch impersonating you to steal your wages. Yeah, wytches are pikeys.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

6th day of the 11th month

I don't really know what's changed in the past day or so to alter my feelings on Tanya's pregnancy so dramatically.
I'm not quite sure why I'd convinced myself I wanted no further children anyway but I'm quietly delighted that Tanya's pregnant, even if the present situation is far from perfect.

http://img84.imageshack.us/img84/9831/061108qr9.jpg


Lily was apparently caught with a boy in Cordelia and Radek's house whilst babysitting.
Cordelia didn't bother to listen to Lily's story though and instead sent her home before running to the tavern to announce the unsavoury deed in public.
As far as I'm concerned Lily's alibi was legitimate and I'm more inclined to believe her statements over those of a woman who faints in a line-up and shortens everyone's names to the point that she sounds like some sort of half-brained urban gangster.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

8th day of the 11th month

Yesterday had to be one of the worst days in a long time, from Tanya overreacting to a joke and slapping Annwyn, to Tanya playing the poor pregnant victim and inspiring Annwyn to confront Louisa and throw her down the ladder into the treasury.
I was absolutely enraged but all that anger dissipated upon walking through the bedroom door to find Tanya curled into a ball atop some bloodied sheets.
I knew instantly what had happened but I like some stupid blundering idiot broached the question and was greeted with sobbing and the deluge of Tanya's self-loathing.

Somehow we ended up arguing and I found myself carrying a sleeping Foley to Louisa's, where I now am, perched upon the edge of her bed with her head resting in my lap.
I shouldn't be here but Tanya's demands that I leave her alone and take 'it' with me, left me with little in the way of potential refuges. I'll leave as soon as she awakes.

http://img231.imageshack.us/img231/1163/081108av2.jpg


The other evening I was approached by one of the ladies from the orphanage and asked if I had any children's stories to donate. I didn't but I promised I'd find one or write one and having a line of guardsmen was certainly one way of achieving that, even if everyone's suggested contributions involved bodily fluids or bold political statements.
The adventure we constructed was pretty limited but hopefully the children will enjoy it and the pictures we painted might entertain them. Obviously I'm no story-teller but I'm positive an imaginative and charismatic matron will be able to turn our tale (http://www.grd-europa.co.uk/forum/showthread.php?t=737) into an inspiring epic.

- Dart

[Louisa Dart]

120 Copper awarded to Bladius Dart.

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

14th day of the 11th month

It would seem that my weeks get progressively worse.
After being punched, slapped, plated, spat and shouted at I've been left with the entire clan to babysit until Tanya returns from her self-imposed exile.
She feels that in order to finally recover she needs time away from all of us, no matter how long that'll take.
We parted amicably, with me promising that I'll prove I'm worthy of her trust, I'm not quite sure how that's going to work having had Louisa visit and spend most of her week in and around the house, even when I'm home and the children are all in bed.
I don't really know what to do about it, whilst it's nice to have some adult company and more specifically Lou about. I think she's expecting this to develop into a permanent fixture. Moving in next door is one thing but she's spent barely two nights there since signing the lease. I keep using the excuse of Lily not being exactly over the moon about the situation to get her out of the way, it's not really an excuse though, as I do want her around I just don't ever see it being plausible for her to be, at least not whilst I'm married to Tanya and Lily's still living at home.

http://img88.imageshack.us/img88/7074/141108wm2.jpg


Morana turned up on Monday to apologise for his behaviour on Sunday, I can't really say I noticed his 'behaviour' being anymore inappropriate than usual, I haven't really had much to do with him other than him begging me for my permission to date Aries Harper in Britain, me calling him a 'self-righteous prick' in the middle of the Church and our 'discussions' during the talks leading up to the Minoc Accords.
He seems harmless enough, so I had a kick out of making him feel as uncomfortable as possible by accepting his apology, then offering him a drink in the tavern.
Wilkes and Madsen thought it necessary to balance out my goodwill by attempting to maim him though. Twats, wouldn’t know subtlety if it snuck up on them and poured poison into their ears.

- Dart

[Louisa Dart]

120 Copper awarded for the various events condensed to one report.

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

17th day of the 11th month

This is the second time in a week I've clashed with the Church over matters relating to Covians, the first of course was with our own Western Chapter and then yesterday with their Northern Chapter as we arrested Kas Valentine after the pathetic 'Not guilty' verdict issued at his unrelated trial.
The evidence was stacked and yet the old goat of an Inquisitor stands up there and declares him 'Not guilty'.
I had in mind exactly what we would do if this took place but I couldn't believe it would become necessary upon hearing all the evidence.
No doubt I'll be reprimanded or worse. I've never had a fantastic relationship with the Church, not since my somewhat indiscreet actions as a teenager and I can't imagine pasting Father Azriemek with a war hammer back when I was a Sergeant exactly boosted my image. That issue was never again mentioned thanks to the intervention of Father Salrathian but I really need to stop provoking them at every turn. We have Valentine for now and ultimately that's what counts.

http://img227.imageshack.us/img227/4544/171108nj9.jpg


Louisa spent most of yesterday pressuring me into telling Tanya not to come home. I understand her concerns and on some fundamental level I do wish I wasn't shackled to Tan but I don't regret marrying her, I probably regret not marrying Lou first so that Tanya had never been an issue. That probably doesn't make a lot of sense but none of this has ever made sense, no matter how many numerous contradicting explanations I've come up with not one has fit perfectly and not one has left me feeling any better. They're always reasons but never solutions.

I'm going to visit Tanya later and see what happens. I can't believe I'm even entertaining the idea of telling her not to return, I'm not even sure I am, I don't know what I'm doing.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

18th day of the 11th month

When did I become so damn transparent? She opened the door and it immediately struck me that I didn't want to end it but she knew like it was written all over my face. She's stood there looking the best she has in a long time and I barely eek out more than six syllables before she's suspicious of my unannounced visit.
How can she go within a couple of words from being delighted to see me to being hurt and enraged, I have no idea, I'm not even sure what I said.
Oh no; I remember a few choice words used during our heated debate "I've been really trying but sooner or later I'm going to slip-up!" what an excellent point to make Bladius. Of course I can't possibly see how she could deduce from this extraordinary example that I had already 'slipped up'.
I'm usually able to talk my way into and out of any woman's pants but apparently I can't even talk my way out of a sticky situation with the infinitely gullible Tanya without blundering about like a sixteen year old faced with his first corset. It's as if I reached her inn room door, ran a quick inventory check and found I'd left the ol' silver tongue at home, by then I'd already knocked on the door and thrown myself to the proverbial lions as she opened it. Anyway, I'm not sure what happened as the majority of the ensuing verbal mauling is still something of a blur to my frazzled mind.

I managed to stagger back to work and set about taking three hours reading a pile of reports I could probably have managed to devour in the space of twenty minutes on any normal day.
Louisa eventually persuaded me to join her in the tavern. I wasn't in much of a social mood but she tried her best to make the evening pleasant, which to be fair she always does. She made nice with everyone, even apologising profusely to Annwyn and attempted to maintain the ongoing charade of her being my sister-in-law, even if she occasionally forgot herself and whispered something suggestive into my ear or unconsciously played with my hair in full view of every single nosey bastard in the entire Militia.
I also took the opportunity to pay Cordelia back for her accusations against Lily by jokingly claiming that I'd seen Graham kissing the dung farmer's young son. She went off on some pregnant hissy fit in regards to how what I'd said was 'disgusting'.
So it's alright for her to make unfounded accusations in public about my daughter but it's completely unacceptable to suggest that her son had taken a liking to a shit-stained farm boy.

I had the Besiegers beat Valentine to near-death in the woods. Whilst I'm sure we'll somewhere along the line live to regret his likely survival, Sineal seemed to enjoy the concept of the child-murdering bastard living on in unimaginable pain. Works for me.

http://img217.imageshack.us/img217/2124/181108iq0.jpg


In an effort to put Tanya out of my mind, I invited Lou back to the house with the intention of ragging her senseless but ended up laid side by side as I embarrassingly admitted how I was feeling in regards to the day's events.
She was surprisingly sympathetic and understanding and I realised yet again that I've never given this woman enough credit. Even though I've always loved her I've never quite believed that she actually genuinely gave a crap about me, maybe I just never bothered to notice the years of waiting and the innumerable declarations of love, maybe I was always too busy trying to get what Tanya could never give me.
Maybe I bought into the idea that she was nothing like I kept telling myself and everything like Tanya and Floria had convinced me she was. Maybe I was right all along, even if I stopped believing it myself.
No, I always knew she was perfect for me; I just never wanted to commit myself to someone who I had no possibility of ever in a million years getting over.
What's worse? I've just placed myself in a position where I'll have to do just that with Tanya. I'm going to attempt the impossible, knowing full-well that I have a greater chance of becoming King and giving birth to triplets than I ever do of forgetting about my wife.

At least the children haven't reacted badly yet but then I haven't quite gotten around to breaking the news to them.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

23rd day of the 11th month

That was exhausting.
I'd actually forgotten it was my birthday until Lily walked in holding a box and of course all the children spent the day awkwardly fussing over me.
By the time they'd calmed down and I'd managed to settle them for the night, the day was practically over, as is always the case on the days where I'd like some time to myself.

http://img221.imageshack.us/img221/2060/231108le1.jpg


I shouldn't complain, it's always nice to know that you're loved I just made a few crucial mistakes in allowing them to get over-excited and then ended up knackered out by early evening. However, I did spend the remaining few hours of the day with Louisa, experiencing an atmosphere far more relaxed than that of any I've felt with Tanya. I don't really know why, as if anything Lou was trying harder to make the day more memorable.

Anyway, back to the mountainous stack of paperwork caused by having a day off.

- Dart

[Louisa Dart]

160 Copper awarded.

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

25th day of the 11th month

We'd parted amicably. Neither of us really wanted to part at all but despite our calm and considered conversation on the matter I had to take the plunge, I can't help but feel I've made a horrible mistake but the fact remains that I've spent the vast majority of my time with Tanya worrying over her health and dealing with her rarely justified jealousy.
Defiling the kitchen in one final act of lust/romance/stupidity was probably far from the best course of action we could have undertaken but it was necessary, I think.

http://img239.imageshack.us/img239/1159/251108ox8.jpg

Probably wasn't a good idea to tell Louisa either but I thought I'd been conned into another honesty policy. This turned her mood for the worse and before long she was exchanging barbs with Sineal and provoking Annwyn into blurting out everything she's ever learned about my private life. I'm sure Tanya will delight in knowing that her supposed friend used her miscarriage as ammunition in an argument, Annwyn as always exudes class.

Anyway, the 3000 Copper Tanya had stolen from my bank box was for Rose who stopped by for her quarterly visit. I've given up keeping track of that girl and as harsh as it may sound I've given up believing a word that falls out of her bloody mouth.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

28th day of the 11th month

The language barrier is a remarkable thing. It would seem that merely speaking a foreign tongue grants some the belief that they can simply turn up, make clichéd threats and the rest of society will bend over like a Trinsican Duke.
It takes the piss in all honesty, especially when they're beaten pretty damn handily every single time they grace us with their culturally superior presence.

http://img75.imageshack.us/img75/1905/281108zo9.jpg


I'm happy to say that things have been pretty calm at home, everyone has been on their best behaviour and in fact the most drama since Monday came in the form of fighting a perpetual wave of easterners last night.
Eventually despite the fact that the patrol as a whole killed upwards of 300 of the little bastards, it became apparent that for every five we cut down a further twenty would appear to take their places.
It must be good to have an unlimited supply of semi-competent soldiers available; it's a pity for them that a patrol consisting of Floria, Fraser, Longshot, Annwyn, Young and a McCormick proved to be more than a match for anything they threw at us.
That's got to be pretty demoralising but then again I imagine waking up every morning and being too short to look at yourself in the mirror is pretty soul destroying as well.

- Dart

[Louisa Dart]

210 Copper awarded for the events ran by you mentioned in this log.

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

1st day of the 12th month

I had thought everything was going to be alright for a while but it would seem that despite wanting to 'keep up appearances' Tanya has no intention of being civil when not in public, in fact she admitted yesterday that contrary to our agreement the other day we cannot be friends.
I'm a little confused really but then it's hardly surprising that a woman would change her mind and even less shocking that the same woman would go from telling me to treat Louisa better than I had treated her to screaming, shouting, ranting and raving at the top of her voice about the injustice of the entire situation and hurling abuse at her perceived rival when she's not even in the room.

I sometimes wonder if I would have been better off in life if I'd pursued a career in the clergy but then you have to consider that I couldn't even keep to my marriage vows, let alone one of celibacy.

http://img147.imageshack.us/img147/7246/011208xg6.jpg


Anyway, Walker won the Champions Tournament after beating Fraser 2-0 in the final. The second round of that fight was perhaps the most entertaining battle I've seen in a long while, mainly due to the fact that the finish literally came down to whoever landed a solid hit which after about a half a dozen attempts from both parties ended up being Sineal.

I won 100 copper from Madsen though, which made the excessive preparations for the event worth the effort. That's 100 copper less that Madsen can waste on half-breed harlots and 100 copper more that Tanya can waste on pointless little wagers designed to make me suffer.

- Dart

[Louisa Dart]

100 Copper for the events ran and noted in the log.

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

12th day of the 12th month

Finally a moment to myself and what fantastically worthy news item do I have to write about today? Nothing. My valuable time hasn't been consumed by weird and wonderful happenings, or particularly noteworthy expeditions. I suppose I will merely use this entry as reference for future weeks or months.

http://img228.imageshack.us/img228/7175/121208pj7.jpg


To do (or not) list



Purchase flame retardant armour.
Never rely on Fraser for subtlety.
Do not leave a full quiver of arrows out in full view of temperamental and worryingly calculating young children.
Kaboom does not stimulate the brain, nor should it be left near a stack of reports leaning precariously close to a naked flame.
Depend on the Militia to reel off every expletive in the Britannian language that begins with 'P' before realising the spied upon object might possibly be directly in front of them and in huge quantities.
Leave a Footman behind, especially if rescuing them from the jaws of death involves being chased by a small army around the neighbourhood in which you grew up.
Singing "Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah" is neither clever, nor becoming of a man of my stature especially when the recipient of said abuse has probably been harbouring some sort of resentment towards human-kind for the past seven thousand years.
Cheering after having hauled your bruised and battered carcass around the corner of a building should be reserved until you are completely certain that the enormous scaled beast stalking you has given up and gone home.
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?


- Dart

[Louisa Dart]

50 Copper awarded.

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

14th day of the 12th month

So I'm sat playing with Foley and his wooden bricks and as usual it's a race against time to build the highest tower possible before he comes ploughing through, arms waving, huge grin on his face and giggling mischievously. I notice that I'm becoming more and more adept at building a structurally sound tower in a limited amount of time.
If I can do that with the infant equivalent of a battering ram bearing down on my handiwork then surely the Militia should be able to put up a functional roadblock under very little pressure. You would think that years of roadblock building tradition would have evolved into roadblock building talent. They can all put up roadblocks that's a given, anybody can stack a few crates with the right resources but how would they perform whilst being constantly attacked and struggling to meet a deadline? Evidently not very well.

http://img218.imageshack.us/img218/4655/141208ko7.jpg

I didn't really expect much from them, I had a feeling that the women would spend most of their time hoarding crates and trying to build amidst a backdrop of male guardsmen maiming one another and that's pretty much exactly how the evening ensued.
You can't have particularly high hopes for a Militia whose newest recruits believe that the harp is a percussion instrument.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

12th day of the 1st month

Well, it's been a while since I had a moment of privacy to jot down my thoughts; things have been a little hectic as of late.
The days prior to Avatarmass were loaded with epic battles with half-dead scaleless golden lizard creatures, who delighted in toasting our entire patrol before we eventually trudged home defeated by the bastard.

http://img80.imageshack.us/img80/3317/bl01gb2.jpg


I also explored the strategic abilities of the Militia's finest and was hugely disappointed when the four teams spent most of the exercise invading one another's islands and making nonsensical deals.

http://img57.imageshack.us/img57/8114/bl02yh9.jpg


A pairs tournament saw the competing pairs demonstrate a disturbing absence of knowledge in the Militia and life in general.

http://img61.imageshack.us/img61/1955/bl03ue2.jpg


This was followed up by another pairs competition, in which Walker and Fraser came back from the verge of defeat by winning the final round convincingly, mainly due to their surprising ability to paint faster than anybody else.

http://img78.imageshack.us/img78/7809/bl04lf5.jpg


Preparing the men for an inevitable war saw them practicing pursuit tactics, which brought to my attention the Militia's deficiency in dealing with targets possessing a knack for long distance running.

http://img78.imageshack.us/img78/8533/bl05zg5.jpg


Walker ran a drill testing us all on our ability to follow orders under extreme circumstances. This generally involved chasing or being chased around and suddenly having to change the person we were chasing or being chased by. I'm sure Walker wouldn't appreciate my gross simplification of his complicated training.

http://img147.imageshack.us/img147/3326/bl06sf4.jpg


I ended up participating in one of those nest raids which was successful for the most part, even if it consisted of us having to try and find alternative routes around a mountain range. Happily dealing with a skeletal wytch only to turn around and find yourself flanked by almost thirty liches was something of a surprise though, although after having to battle our way through endless waves of floaters they were a welcome change.

http://img78.imageshack.us/img78/8586/bl07tz2.jpg


We were informed by a crier that Magincia was under attack by the Undead, so wanting a closer look I dragged Fraser, Brown and Ertwink to look around. However when we weren't being ambushed in the streets by hooded shadows we were spending the best part of our remaining lives combating a heavily armoured officer of the invading army.

http://img57.imageshack.us/img57/6059/bl08ju0.jpg


Orcs turned up yesterday and demanded we offer them tribute or they'd eat us. You can imagine how we responded to their delightful request. Later we witnessed an epic battle for consecutive one on one victories, with Walker managing a colossal 14 inside the smaller arena and Wilkes managing a hefty 8 within the larger arena. Annwyn, Joseph and Damon were the only others able to score a victory.

http://img66.imageshack.us/img66/5247/bl09gh3.jpg


I have a little something planned for this evening but hopefully I'll be able to cram in the finishing touches between cleaning up after Tanya's morning sickness and my normal paperwork. An impossible task to be sure.

- Dart

[Louisa Dart]

500 Copper awarded for the events contained inside this report.

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

19th day of the 1st month

It's been an up and down week to be sure.
From tackling the midnight muffin cravings of Tanya to battling creatures who bear more than a slight resemblance to areas of the female anatomy the past seven days have been very eventful.
I've redecorated our bedroom, stumbled around in the middle of the night preparing baked goodies. We've delivered aid to civilians caught in a civil war, posed as orcs to capture Covians and thrown them into a watery abyss. I've battered a Vesperian for daring to tarnish our recruitment banners, replaced my entire suit of armour twice and refused a pardoned Longbane a return to the Militia. We've also annihilated the Vesperians on the streets of Britain and perhaps most memorably of all I've watched an elf announce his rise to the throne of Britannia, listened to the chants of abuse directed towards the imposter and then have been left pondering our next course of action.

http://img145.imageshack.us/img145/5310/180109as3.jpg


I suppose all I can do is take each day as it arrives. I still have a job to do and all this recent development does is drag us closer to the inevitable, whatever that may actually be.

- Dart

[Louisa Dart]

120 Copper for events and this report.

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

30th day of the 1st month

Despite all the wacky conspiracy theories Walker can fathom, Team Grey is strolling towards Sunday in the best possible position. I'm a little surprised how Team Gold with its numerical superiority has managed to not only blow a 2-0 lead to tie 2-2 but then beaten the hell out of the odds to go and lose decisively 2-0 the next evening with an even larger numerical advantage.

The two farms are up for grabs on Sunday and losing possession of even one of those could lead to a nasty food tax on a team's wages, however maybe both Wilkes and Walker will see the benefit of not turning our food production centres into a warzone and will focus their attacks elsewhere. Who knows? Wilkes clearly has some sort of clever strategy in mind, having been absent for both team tasks so far, I'm sure losing a team member was all an intricate part of his devious plan.

http://img509.imageshack.us/img509/5788/300109gd7.jpg


The capital has gone quiet in regards to the throne; although I have to say I'm still somewhat taken aback by having had a conversation with a mouse. Rather typically the Trinsicans treated this phenomenon as if they'd wiled away many an hour chin-wagging with their hamsters, although I suppose spending your lives surrounded by half-cat half-centipedes prepares you for 'intelligent discourse' with every unnatural horror under the sun.

The mouse's explanation for having learned to speak? Having practised.
Apparently there's hope for Oldar yet, although I think Bob has a far greater chance of being able to communicate on an equal footing with the bastard midget.
However, I'm not sure the poor creature would appreciate the blunt force trauma required to reduce one's intellectual capacity to the point that you could chat with Oldar for any length of time without wanting to leap off a bridge.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

7th day of the 2nd month

It would seem that some clever bugger's been forging threatening letters in my name and sending them to Irvyn.
As much as I enjoy angering the eunuch Duke, I can't say I'm overly bothered about Trinsic's foreign policy and certainly not enough to threaten him in writing.

Funnily enough Irvyn informed me that when I came to visit him he could guarantee safe passage. I'm not exactly sure who I'd be requiring protection from but I appreciate the fact that he won't waste his teenage guard force in a vain attempt to irritate me.

http://img201.imageshack.us/img201/4415/070209dy0.jpg


We joined forces with the volunteers of the Bloodguard and Nathan Hawke yesterday, tracking and slaying three crimson dragons. I was led to believe that our assault would be against those behind the attacks, not a bunch of unfortunately coloured lizards, so I was somewhat disappointed when the evening dissolved into racing around Sosaria in pursuit of the next colossal newt.
Everyone performed well enough and I can say I'm happy with the result even though we lost a boatload of personnel on a pointless voyage across a Minocan bay.
All those thought lost washed ashore eventually anyway so the entire operation resulted in zero casualties, which is a rather depressing result when you consider the force consisted of people such as Annwyn and Kros.

Better luck next time.
Anyway, I better get going. I'm 'working in Britain' tonight after all.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

15th day of the 2nd month

I'm glad to see the fate of Sosaria is in such well-dressed hands. Granted the Bloodguard and their sycophant pals from Trinsic and the various banking institutions across the world seemingly have no concept of basic tactical theory, yet they do understand that any army must look fit for the occasion.
Unfortunately it would appear that they're going to be a little too caught up dazzling the enemy into submission with their impressive array of tightly fitting bodices and sarongs to realise that the on-rushing hordes of demonic beasts are in actual fact too colour-blind to differentiate between a green velvet cushion and a scarlet silk brocade.

What does it matter though? If you raise protest at the glaring inadequacies of the war effort then you're told to leave the room, as you 'don't have to be present'. That's the problem though. We do have to be present because we are seemingly the only ones involved in the planning process who have ever seen combat on a large scale. Many of these volunteers may be dangerous with their enchanted armaments but the simple fact of the matter is that without all the wytchery, they'd be as useless as your greenest Trainee and ten times as hot-headed.

http://img5.imageshack.us/img5/3113/150209rq6.jpg


I might have in a moment of absolute insanity made an enormous blunder in regards to tonight's over-hyped Royal Ball.
I may have (I did) possibly, slightly told Tanya and Louisa that I would attend the ball with them both. It's beyond me how I'll find a way out of this one, short of incapacitating one of them for the duration of the evening.
That's not actually the worst course of action I've considered today.

- Dart

[Louisa Dart]

350 Copper awarded for the events and content of the Log.

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

28th day of the 2nd month

So I've been handed yet another ultimatum and yet again I have no intention of actually making a decision, instead I'm going to weasel my way out and deviously concoct a scheme whereby I am allowed to not only have my cake but also eat it.
I wish one day I could wake up and hate either one of them, which would of course make the entire decision making process a lot simpler. There's a ton of other variables to consider anyway, so a cut and dried decision would never actually function as it was intended.

It's odd that I can only ever be completely straight with my enemies but can continually cheat, deceive and destroy the two people who matter most. I can't even begin to imagine why that might be but it's definitely the case.
Anyway, one thing is for certain that by Monday evening I will have lied through my teeth and made promises I will never have the opportunities to keep just in an effort to buy a few more slices of the aforementioned cake.

http://img218.imageshack.us/img218/3937/280209w.jpg


I'm such a well-adjusted individual!
Anyway, I think we've avenged the cowardly little Vesperian ambush now, although I've yet to receive an accurate report on any the hostile encounters with Cove or Vesper where I've been unavoidably detained. Reliable contacts as ever.
You'd think with three relations in the Waywatchers I might on occasion get wind of some useful information but unfortunately the only wind I ever catch from the Waywatcher tower has usually been blown out of Walker's arse.

- Dart

[Louisa Dart]

350 Copper awarded for the events contained in this entry.

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

7th day of the 4th month

I haven't had a moment to myself in a long while to even sleep for any reasonable length of time, let alone consider recording my frazzled thoughts. Since fragile little Evie was born I've made countless journeys to and from the healers whilst Tanya and I communicate through meaningful stares, glares and silences. My weasling out was a little more extreme than I had anticipated but at least I am now despised by everybody who matters. I have taken a step to resolve the matter once and for all, even if it was possibly far too late.

http://img217.imageshack.us/img217/5573/sofar4.jpg

A lot has happened, so much so that I can't for the life of me remember each individual detail I would have liked to have recorded.
As much as I appreciate the potential economic benefits the impending war can bring and how the men are desperate to continue from where we left off at the Minoc Accords, it would be nice if we could enjoy a quiet period of growth without battling our way through crisis after crisis.
Still I miss the explicit satisfaction of unrestrained and justified violence against the hypocritical butchering bastards that plague the North. If only there was an avenue for vengeance without being portrayed as the evil transgressors. However, I would have to say that I don't actually care for the opinions of those who condone the actions of child murderers and condemn our attempts to bring them to account.

Anyway, it would seem Tanya is hell-bent on hiring a nanny, so that'll be another enormous expense I'll have to cater for. Can bet she'll look like the rear-end of a manure cart too.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

24th day of the 4th month

So the Militia is seemingly back to a respectable size and strength, which is rather typical now that the likelihood of combat is significantly decreased. Not that it would make a darn bit of difference when you consider our replenished ranks are made up of incompetent juniors and rookie guards who stutter when addressing small children.

These elaborate methods of keeping 'everybody' happy are getting tiresome. Being forced to commit to irreversible outcomes purely because Louisa threatens the unthinkable is no way to live. I have literally reached a point where I have no plan of action, no possible idea of how to weasel out or around the current predicament. As usual I have thrown myself into my work and for better or for worse completely ignored the numerous issues at home.

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Lily's growing up and has taken to talking of marriage, seemingly she still has her heart set on Uni-Ball for a husband which causes me no end of distress. Annie managed to make herself pass out the other day from placing a bag over her head in an effort to drown out my arguments with Tanya.
I can't even remember the last time I spoke to or even saw Francis or Ben, my life currently consists of tip-toeing around Evie, travelling to Skara, arguing with Tanya, or getting blown up on Minocan bridges. Of course these are all minor in comparison to the amount of time I spend ascending the paperwork mountain that has accumulated on my desk.
I'm months behind on wage payments, all because that bloody woman won't return to work unless Tanya's out of the picture.
So I can either do away with my wife and resolve my paperwork problems, or continue this charade and drown in timesheets.

You'd have thought pulling out of Minoc and Altmere would have made everything a thousand times simpler yet apparently for every countermeasure there's another heap of inked misery just waiting to smother my momentary joy.

- Dart

[Louisa Dart]

300 Copper for some of the events detailed in your sketches.

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

3rd day of the 5th month

A new house is in order, either that or we somehow have to find a way to rebuild our current abode to the point that we have enough space for everyone concerned. I can't honestly see a point in going to all that trouble; Tanya and I are hardly in marital bliss right now and if it wasn't for her head injury at the beginning of the week I probably would have spent every evening in Skara.

Lily's been something of an emotional wreck this week, whilst Annie's been poking her nose into everyone's business, so this combined with Tanya's endless pleading for me to 'try again' has driven me to the safety of my office on more than one occasion.

Of course there I'm overwhelmed by Madsen's bleating. Clearly his life is so devoid of meaning that the prospect of following me around all day, reading my mail and generally clamouring for any tiny scrap of responsibility is the only thing the idiot has going for him.
His endless whining led me to conduct a brutal drill the other night, where Leo conveniently found himself labouring to complete the jobs he was born to do; polishing and scrubbing the possessions of his betters.

We should create a separate rank structure just for people of Madsen's ilk, however he would have to work his way up the ladder.
Trainee Whipping Boy sounds like an appropriate title for him at this stage, although maybe he could one day advance to such lofty heights as Rookie Latrine Cleaner or Veteran Spud Peeler.

I suppose I shouldn't complain; he is willing to work. Even if his 'willingness to work' has my heart sinking every time his name fails to materialise on the week's casualty list.

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Vance managed to convince himself that pretending to kill Rhoen was a good way to teach the lads about ignoring distractions and focusing on the job at hand. If anything I think it further underlined the fact that Vance has apparently long abandoned being merely a somewhat over-enthusiastic guardsman in favour of becoming a full-blown psychopath.

I'm thinking of cutting my hair. Probably won't get around to it or will have someone talk me out of it but I fancy a change, at least temporarily.
That sounded a little too man-lovin' for my tastes, I better go blow a few things up and impregnate a couple of wenches so as to compensate for that momentarily blip.

- Dart

[Louisa Dart]

150 Copper for the events pictured in your log.

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

16th day of the 5th month

I should have just gone with them, the few pointless papers I was busy attending to could have waited an hour or so.
A simple gesture and one that would have saved my children from growing up without their mother.

I don't know where else to look. I've spent hours trudging around the surprisingly vast Yewish woodland in pursuit of her and can't for the life of me find a single scrap of evidence that could lead to any conclusion at all.

I've told the children that Tanya's gone away for a while, I'm not exactly positive that's the right thing to do but ultimately I'm not quite sure how to break the news of their mother to a bunch of four year olds.

http://img196.imageshack.us/img196/739/160509r.jpg


What more can I do? As if things weren't bad enough, Walker's tried staging some sort of rebellion against the church like the indiscreet pillock that he is and as a result we were forced to execute a trainee, only days after Smit battered Nigel Brent to death in the Keep. This is exactly when I need to be spending more time at work.

I suppose I should be grateful Louisa learned to cook.

- Dart

[Louisa Dart]

150 Copper for the events ran and pictured in your log.

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

19th day of the 5th month

Purgatory.
That's what this is.

How can I even begin to start planning for the future when I can't even reach a conclusive answer to a fundamental question?
I don't know whether to stay calm and positive for the children in the hope that she'll wander back through the front door or shut myself away for a fortnight and mourn her death.

Should I take a few days off? Is that what people do? Do they keep stringing their children along on false hope when really they need to be allowed to grieve and move on? Do they abandon all hope immediately?

This isn't something I can just forget about or lie my way around; I need to do something.
I just don't know what.

http://img217.imageshack.us/img217/4286/190509.jpg


I'm rebuilding the house to accommodate everyone in accordance with Tanya's plans before she vanished. I'm not sure I should be doing this but the combination of work, children and this little project is helping to steer my mind away from the looming dilemma.
Hopefully by the time the building is complete and the decorations are finished I'll have a better idea of what it is I need to be doing. Either that or I'm sure the increasingly insecure Louisa will edge me closer to a decision.

In the mean time I suppose I have to pretend like nothing's amiss, as if this hasn't even registered and all is as it should be.

On a happier note: Gumby is dead and Lily's doing brilliantly at school. Perhaps she really has matured enough to be a guard.
I just can't lose her too.

- Dart

[Louisa Dart]

90 Copper awarded for events.

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

26th day of the 5th month

This has been a bad week but in the interests of not driving myself into depression I'm going to avoid covering all the hugely negative aspects of the past few days. I've watched a small child bleed to death,

Somehow 166,666 Copper has vanished out of the incomings box within the Treasury. I've searched high and low and with Louisa's help attempted to decipher the books countless times.
I suppose the most obvious suspects are her or myself and Louisa for all her extravagant expenses would never steal a million gold from the Militia. Even if she did I can't imagine why she'd bring it to my attention in the first place. I wouldn't have noticed had she not pointed it out in her financial report after all. Plus, since she moved in both myself and my bank account have become brutally aware of every time she does go shopping, although admittedly it's far more rewarding than when ever Tanya splashed out.

Still, the accusations will fly and despite the fact we now have enough in the Treasury to pay both wages and for bandages, I'll continue this restriction for the remainder of the week not because it is in any way a financial necessity but because having seen just how the little bastards live, it's become apparent in my mind that they need to suffer in preparation for what is to come. Then again, having seen the inside of Vance's house I can't imagine how much more grim we could make his life. In fact as a fellow human being I feel almost responsible for making his meagre existence a tad more pleasant, not that the miserable bastard would appreciate it.

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Having only just recently been packed away to Britain, Francis is already running riot. That child is beginning to irritate the living crap out of me, which I suppose is why he's been sent to Britain to begin with.
I guess the worst part is that all the aspects of his personality I cannot stand are the ones passed down from me. If I was really that annoying I can understand why my father beat me as religiously as he did.

Since she's apparently determined to immerse herself in militia life, Louisa's come up with the crazy scheme of me taking her to visit 'Orc Fort' as she referred to it. Apparently if I include Lily this could go a long way to building some bridges.
So effectively I have to pay out for two ridiculously protective and specially fitted suits of armour and give both of them some basic hand to hand combat training for what equates to a merry little jaunt into the foaming jaws of death.
I can't believe I've been talked into this!

- Dart

[Louisa Dart]

100 Copper awarded.

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

2nd day of the 6th month

Argh! It's so incredibly frustrating.
If she's not outright dropping me in it, she's blatantly avoiding the answering of a question which of course makes it even more incriminating.

I know she would love to be honest about everything and as fantastic as it would be not to have to remember every intricate detail of every fundamental lie, I don't really think leaping out into absolution is quite the best course of action when Tanya's not even been missing a month.

http://img2.imageshack.us/img2/8427/020609.jpg


Anyway, the campaign process is well underway and it seems to be a straight four-horse race with Smit's slave-based imperial policies lagging behind.
He seems to have got it into his unreasonably sized head that Yew has the tools to embark upon a rampage of bloody conquest.
Regardless of whether it does or not the concept of eviscerating the rest of Sosaria and forcing its population into slavery isn't all that appealing. Smit will find (or probably not based on general consensus) that Yew is plenty large enough as it is for the style of administration it currently adopts and more people and more territory would simply lead us down the slippery slope of reach exceeding grasp.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

10th day of the 6th month

So they say that desperate times call for desperate measures.
The threat of William Smit being elected drove the people of Yew to vote for a virtual unknown in Brooker and I suppose we can safely assume that a crisis has been circumvented. Unfortunately I can see this David fellow causing a good few pickles also, that's why I voted for good ol' Kain.
Hopefully the left-leaning Brooker's domestic conquest can be tempered by the geriatric at his side.

http://img99.imageshack.us/img99/4083/100609.jpg

Of course whilst we've narrowly evaded that disaster another looms on the horizon. It seems others have finally cottoned onto the fact that this Casca bloke might be a tad devious.
It's been a long time coming but with Vesper having crushed the Royal Guard in the North now seems like the perfect time to make our move, although whether our 'friends' will see it as a necessary step remains to be seen.

More importantly the aforementioned jaunt will result in a brief respite from Lily and her seemingly endless succession of problems that require me to spend a disproportionate amount of time with her. Meanwhile Emily has started calling Louisa 'Mummy' which isn't something I'm exactly rushing to advertise to the rest of Tanya's loyal little troops.
Perhaps we can send Emily away until Ben and Lily's fanaticism has died down and it's safe to even be seen talking to Lou without being accused of sacrilege.

- Dart

[Louisa Dart]

200 Copper awarded for the events within your log entries.

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

22nd day of the 6th month

It's odd how particularly lacking in enthusiasm I have been these past few days, despite dealing a decisive blow against Casca and removing him from his seat of power I feel the situation remains the same, at least for Yew.
Really what does any of it change? We'll be back at war in a few days no doubt, a war that seemingly never ends no matter how many crushing victories we amass and a war that makes monsters of those of us who simply honour our oaths and heroes of those who mutilate children.

Although I suppose it is difficult for any individual to gain a reasonable perspective on life when their opinions are warped by the ramblings of the imbeciles surrounding them.
I find it unlikely that certain elements of the press could write anything remotely objective when all they can discern from their lofty perch is the lining of Middlethorn's cloak, the rather desolate landscape of the Duke's pants and when they sleep at night the cozy confines of his caboose.

Ah well, what does it matter what one worthless rag prints? Anybody of any importance will realise those who played a vital role in this week's successes and perhaps it is rather telling that Nathan Hawke had to be reminded by the Duke himself to mention Trinsic alongside the long list of contributing states.

http://img221.imageshack.us/img221/9341/220609.jpg


The week has been a depressing grind for the most part, only interspersed with elements of domestic torture and the odd splashing around in Arrow Point Bay searching for a misplaced oar, after Louisa's oddly conceived dawn fishing trip.

I suppose I should drag myself out of this office and stretch my legs before Grindhouse has us sod about playing 'musical chairs' in The Deer. Whatever happened to just sitting and drinking?
Seemingly now you need to be prepared to orbit your seat for a period of time upon a visit to the tavern, fantastic.

- Dart

[Louisa Dart]

100 Copper awarded.

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

8th day of the 7th month

I suppose the intervening week has given me ample opportunity to calm myself, no longer am I likely to drag everyone off on some foolish jaunt in pursuit of revenge.
No, in fact I have taken to the plotting and scheming only ever reserved for my attempts to continue my seemingly never-ending infidelity. Since such devious planning is no longer required in my personal life, I can apply it to my professional.
Whilst it is likely I will never be content with whatever punishments I can inflict upon Vesper for Tanya, I can rest easy in the knowledge that I will make the worthless bastards suffer.

http://img219.imageshack.us/img219/413/080709.jpg


Life at home is a great deal quieter than it was previously. Perhaps the somewhat conclusive evidence of Tanya's body has tempered everybody's mood. In some ways I suppose it has affected even Louisa, whilst the continual visits and requests for private talks from Tanya's supposed sister make her jealous and suspicious of my actions (I suppose I do have form) the quiet that has fallen over the house has done a great deal to soften the atmosphere of all to one of weary resignation.

Anyway, there is much to do.

- Dart

[Dalla]

150 Copper awarded for log content to:

Bladius Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

18th day of the 7th month

I assumed I required the Church's permission to remarry, at least so soon after Tanya's death but I get the distinct impression that Northwode was offering me advice rather than permission when I broached the topic just the other day.
No matter, all that remains to be done is to search for a suitable wife; fortunately (because there's hardly a line forming outside my door) the perfect candidate is at hand!

http://img217.imageshack.us/img217/271/180709.jpg


Anyway, a very slow week has drawn to a conclusion and I for one am very glad.

- Dart

[Dalla]

80 Copper awarded for log content to:

Bladius Dart.

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

13th day of the 8th month

The day is rapidly approaching where I'll finally suffer a lapse of restraint and kill Madsen. The man is insufferable, one moment you can pretend he's a normal, passable individual as he discusses something to which the concepts of the female anatomy are completely foreign and then suddenly he'll have abandoned the sanctuary of a neutral topic and plunged headlong into territory that he knows will provoke my ire.

Apparently he intends on marrying one of my 'babies' and considers this subject to be one of continual hilarity, whereas the idea of condemning one of my daughters to a life with Leo Madsen borders alongside perpetual torture.

http://img219.imageshack.us/img219/1037/wowsid.jpg

Anyway, after last night's events Cove is free, at least for the moment. My head continues to throb after what I can only assume to be the latest attempt by the Collegium to blow up The King's Deer resulted in me shooting the bomber dead, only to be thrown into a table by the ensuing blast.
Clearly he'd imagined the explosives would pack a bigger punch, either that or he really did want his legacy to the world to be nothing but a small black mark on the tavern floor.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

22nd day of the 8th month

Some little bastard drew comparisons between myself and Madsen the other evening. I'd like to say that I'm completely oblivious to whatever similarities might exist but with him constantly lurking within close proximity to my backside, I suppose determining whether you're addressing my buttocks or Madsen's mug has grown increasingly more complicated.

Ignoring the rapid reaction required to fend off a sudden Vesperian invasion of Minoc, it's been a fairly quiet week. In fact up until Thursday night I would have said it had been acceptable, that was until I walked in the front door to hear Lily informing Louisa that she should mind her own business and "go die", which of course is just what you want to hear after you've just spent the evening with a gathering of individuals suggesting you do the very same thing, only with a great deal more active encouragement.
So Lily has another 6 days to prove she can be anything but a spiteful little brat to her entire family, which judging by the rant at her baby sister last night would seem to be an impossible task.

http://img196.imageshack.us/img196/9498/210809.jpg


Anyway, apparently there are peace talks next week. Lord forbid a war ever reach its natural conclusion without some mediator demanding the complete abandonment of your principles in exchange for a worthless peace.
My understanding of 'peace' is that when a treaty is signed, the attacks stop but apparently in Vesper 'peace' only works one way.
In fact I'm going to propose that a fifteen foot wall be built along the Vesperian border, I can't see why they'd object.

Regardless, I have far more pressing matters to attend to, I need to think of something incredibly romantic that I can not only prepare but execute sometime today. So far I'm drawing a blank.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

29th day of the 8th month

He had his warnings, he made his promises and just like I always said he turned out to be out for one thing and one thing only. The fact he ran at the mere sight of me confirms that he knew what was coming and I was only too willing to oblige.
If I ever see that boy again it'll be too soon and should he 'wash up' anywhere in the near future, I hope it's as a corpse. Lily'll be fine without him.

http://img215.imageshack.us/img215/315/270809.jpg


This week has been eventful but for the most part I've steered clear of any excitement.
Apparently though I need to learn to control my temper, which is odd as I think I've been rather restrained this week.
I just can't win, can I?

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

7th day of the 9th month

Were it not for Madsen the emotional punching bag, I might have been forced to wallow in self-loathing after the putrid filth tossed in my direction yesterday evening.
Thanks to Louisa's remark about my wondrous bed chamber talents, some gutter-minded tart visiting the market took that to mean that I was nothing more than a glorified gigolo.
I've been so deeply scarred by this event as to make my self-esteem practically eviscerated by the callous disregard for my feelings.

Alright, perhaps that's a slight exaggeration, perhaps I'm not concerned in the slightest. However, it can at least go some way to justifying to my own conscience the continual humiliation of Leo merely for my own amusement.
Alright, perhaps that's a gross exaggeration, when does anyone require justification to degrade Madsen?

http://img198.imageshack.us/img198/834/020909c.jpg


Morana was in an apologetic mood yesterday evening, at least he was after both he and Madsen were publicly scolded for their petty bickering. It is as if he thinks maintaining the pretence of goodwill makes the inevitable back-stabbing from Cove any less obvious.

- Dart

[Louisa Dart]

400 Copper awarded for log and events.

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

12th day of the 10th month

I'd thought next time I found the time to write an entry that my correspondence would be dominated perhaps by the bizarre arrival of the man-bunny, or a lifetime fallacy, perhaps the ongoing bombing campaign or the ridiculous over-sensitivity of Skara Braens but no.
You see, despite having found the time to write a journal entry there is pretty much one solitary item that dominates the agenda and this took place just yesterday evening within the throne room of Castle British.

I've never been a man who frequents the brothels or gentlemen's clubs of our great nation, I've especially never been too fond of the idea of leering at a naked woman with no prospect of doing anything more than ogling.
So it was with great personal discomfort that I witnessed our gracious Queen who has already begun to gain a reputation for the outlandish stripping routine she quite openly displayed at the Trinsic Moot, quite willingly shattered the illusion of a long-winded and pompous coronation ceremony by oiling her own sovereign orbs in full view of the audience.

http://img50.imageshack.us/img50/8587/150909.jpg


It made for an interesting evening out, however I must admit to being slightly more disturbed than I was aroused; being that it was a man of the cloth who proceeded to deliver unto her a rod of authority. Judging by the reactions of certain besiegers I was however in a certain minority.

- Dart

[Louisa Dart]

50 Copper awarded.

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

26th day of the 10th month

So in spite of the seemingly continuous combat this week I managed to make it up the aisle on Saturday afternoon relatively unscathed. I had at one point wondered if there'd even be an aisle to hobble up, what with the ridiculous lengths I was forced to go to locate a member of the clergy with the authority and capacity to do anything other than make us all significantly poorer.

http://img196.imageshack.us/img196/1940/261009.jpg


Anyway, with the 'Sixty Sixth War of Vesperian Aggression' resolved, we can prepare in earnest for the sixty seventh. It pains me to think that there are some in positions of authority who are delusional enough to believe that they'll simply pack up, go home and abandon the idea of ruling over 'West Vesper'.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

13th day of the 11 month

You would think that a more relaxed atmosphere and some much desired time off would have made the last few days even partially bearable and you'd be right, unfortunately I've also spent a significant portion of the last week worrying over Lily.
Whilst I can't deny the positive impact her departure has had on the rest of the household, I'm sure my personal temperament would be a great deal improved if I wasn't left riddled with guilt.
Hopefully immersing myself in work yet again will allow me to forget even temporarily that I haven't heard from her in days.

http://img197.imageshack.us/img197/6105/011109.jpg


I've just settled down to my work to find that Aiden's decided to call it a day on an illustrious career and Wilkes has returned from the dead. Normally I'd consider it an improvement if we were able to trade an incontinent old man for a guardsman the right side of forty but in this particular situation I'm not so sure we can consider it a positive turn of events.

- Dart

[Radek Wilkes]

100 Copper awarded.

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

2nd day of the 12th month

Madsen is in the market for a pen pal, specifically female, blonde, under thirty and with 'curves'.
I suppose there's no harm in aiming ridiculously high especially when you yourself are such a fine specimen of manhood. Yet if you are a certain Mister Leo Madsen one must ask yourself if there is indeed a point where having 'standards' becomes little more than an excuse for your continued lack of female companionship.

http://img26.imageshack.us/img26/7575/301109.jpg


A great deal of time has been spent attempting to identify Leo's 'positive' attributes but who would have thought that anybody could be so devoid of talent or agreeable traits? Is it any wonder, when even an eternal optimist like myself cannot divine even the faintest hint of quality, that womenfolk the world over are continually repulsed by him?

This will require a great deal of effort on my part. Yet I have the perfect candidate for a correspondent in mind already.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

11th day of the 12th month

It is difficult to believe that the young man I spent hours scathingly attacking yesterday evening could possibly be the same whose wrinkled and discoloured newborn form I cradled years ago.
I can't help but think that he could have been so much more and that I suppose amplifies the disappointment to such a crushing degree as to make our relationship almost untenable.
He is my son and I will love him unconditionally but I struggle to understand how, even when his spirit has been broken, his defiance eroded that he still finds ways to disappoint me and can still against all odds find ways to shame his family.

He's not a stupid child, nor a malicious child but he drives me absolutely insane.

http://img27.imageshack.us/img27/3856/031209.jpg


I've sent him back to Britain; he can spend Avatarmass in the 'comfort' of the barracks there. Louisa can protest all she bloody well likes but it's her and Tanya's endless coddling in my absences that has caused this.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

16th day of the 12th month

It was only just yesterday as the sickened individual on the other end of the communications crystal remarked on the Walkers' son and then Louisa being all home alone that I truly realised just how personal this insurgency has become.
The incidents have been strewn out so as to appear somewhat isolated amongst the backdrop of violence and cryptic correspondence but when you take each given example and place them in order alongside one another it becomes apparent that this is more of a vendetta, more of a personal grudge than simple indiscriminate attacks.

http://img9.imageshack.us/img9/117/blad01.jpg


I suppose for me personally I cannot pass off the injury or kidnap of three of my daughters as a mere coincidence and to simply label them as such would seem foolhardy, especially when evaluated alongside the use of Francis as an unwitting (read: stupid little imbecilic) delivery boy and the seemingly endless stream of deliveries addressed to myself.

http://img136.imageshack.us/img136/6779/blad02.jpg


Or perhaps it is intended that we begin to believe that it is personal, perhaps we are supposed to become emotionally invested in this campaign of terror. After all our clouded judgement and absence of objectivity has us pointing the figure at one another and blowing countless leads in pursuit of revenge.

http://img138.imageshack.us/img138/330/blad03.jpg


For now I'll look back over old reports and the original evidence and attempt to find links between what we know now and what we thought we knew then.
If this 'Autumn' is the same Autumn I had imprisoned in the Waywatcher tower a few years back then it's rather clear just who is behind the plot. That said, I can't believe based on my previous experiences that she would be capable of such things.

http://img138.imageshack.us/img138/7765/blad04.jpg


I have to wonder whether anybody who can drive their agents to commit suicide through the most brutal manner possible so as to avoid continued interrogation or incarceration can ever be stopped. That's fanaticism on a level that I cannot even begin to understand. There's dying for a cause and then there's what Mister Wells subjected himself to.

http://img689.imageshack.us/img689/3457/blad05.jpg


On a lighter note if I ever finish sifting through my paperwork I plan to put the Avatarmass decorations up before everyone comes home this evening.

http://img189.imageshack.us/img189/8966/blad06.jpg


It doesn't help that I'm so damn thirsty. I'd just nip to the tavern if it wasn't for the fact that I can see myself shattering my spine just trying to get inside.

- Dart

[Louisa Dart]

140 Copper awarded.

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

5th day of the 1st month

Whilst I failed to see the humour (I assume he must have been joking) of Julian Paen's incredibly unsubtle attempts to blackmail me into delivering his desired verdict, it did allow me to happen upon an idea.

The Guardsmen have performed abysmally during this entire debacle and in all honesty the glaring incompetence demonstrated throughout the ranks has not been isolated to the investigations and subsequent arrests during this bomb plot.
I will be launching a review over the next few days so I can begin re-structuring the Militia in order of competence, unfortunately it seems rather necessary.

http://img19.imageshack.us/img19/1217/050110.jpg


Fortunately Summers escaped. The evidence was circumstantial, even if she is a compulsive liar and coward, yet Paen having the audacity to attempt to blackmail the Guardsmen, could not go unanswered and ultimately it seemed like the worthless young woman was a worthwhile sacrifice merely to put yet another Church puppet in his place.
Compassion prevailed though and whilst I have since doubted the wisdom behind giving the unspoken order to let her escape I believe it was the correct decision.

Father Malarc summoned both myself and Paen to the Church where I retold my version of his attempt to blackmail but when given the opportunity to destroy Paen's future within the Church, I stopped short. Time will tell whether this was a mistake.

- Dart

[Louisa Dart]

125 Copper awarded.

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

1st day of the 2nd month

There is no uncomplicated manner in which you could explain how utterly insane the last few weeks have been but I suppose it could be surmised that if an unlikely event could potentially have taken place over the past few weeks it invariably has and the consequences have often been dire.

Despite our loss yesterday in the war games, I am satisfied with the performance. We were for all intents and purposes so severely outnumbered that the fact we won even one of the three rounds was so bloody heroic that bards should be singing our praises for centuries to come.
I was quite frustrated however at a brief occurrence; after the cease had been called and I was yet again the only guardsman left standing, I had begun duelling one of the templars.
His chivalrous brethren were apparently quite happy to allow this to continue until it appeared as if their man would fall, of course when this came about I was no longer fighting one man (which was rather consistent with the entire course of the evening, since at one point I had at last count 11 enemies snapping at my heels) but practically their entire order.


Sadly for them I am convinced that had I had time on my side I could quite easily have dispatched them all in a flurry of brutal ingenuity. Still, as it became apparent that I was going to humiliate this strangely inept knight no matter how many blue cloaks I had attempting to stab me in the buttocks, they suddenly became aware of the fact that the 'battle' had come to an end and pleaded for a discontinuation of combat.
Bollock-munching shag-puppets.

Upon our return to the Keep, myself and Madsen managed to find ourselves explaining to Louisa how she is not physically capable of defending herself or the children should anything ever occur. As usual my darling wife was less than willing to accept criticism of any sort and decided she was going to enlist to prove me wrong. Somehow this led to her announcing her gargantuan cup size to the world as a craftsman rather all too eagerly sized her up for a uniform.
This craftsman whilst laying upon the bottom step of the interior stairs of the office (after I had thrown him down I'll admit) then must have overheard us discussing Lou's 'condition' whilst he struggled for consciousness.
Now, it would appear he has gone around screaming to all and sundry that she is pregnant.
Absolutely fantastic! So much for keeping that quiet.

http://img704.imageshack.us/img704/6358/200110.jpg


I will be keeping a close eye on Madsen after he kicked Avera down the dormitory steps. Apparently she attempted to kill him first but judging by his recent intense dislike of the little girl I have to question whether his 'reactionary kick' was really all that innocent.

On a completely unrelated note: Clara has apparently refused to sign the papers I had delivered. Seemingly a little bit of co-operation merely to sweep something under the rug is too much to ask. Of course she hadn't the nerve to hand me the shreds of paper in person but instead sent our beloved daughter around to drop them by in her stead.
Unlike her I am not afraid to tackle a problem head on and I suppose I will have to take a trip down memory lane today so as to resolve the matter effectively.

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

A slight depression upon the bottom of the rickety wooden door had many months ago given way to yet another merciless barrage of juvenile kicks to reveal a jagged gap between door and floor.
The bleary eyed gaze of his father only deigned to explore this corner of their cramped lodgings when he was far too intoxicated to even notice, let alone comprehend the damage. However, the shadows cast beneath the frame of the door allowed a young, blue-eyed boy an extra moment to steel himself for what was to come.
Then as the dimly lit hallway beyond plummeted into an ominous smoky blackness, the door would swing open with deceptive precision and a quiet creak. As the child within forced his own eyes to remain awake and alert, he would sit up to greet the stumbling but purposeful silhouette as it passed through the doorway and towards his bed.
There was always a hopeless struggle and a desperate fight which provoked a sinister brutality in his father but the boy would have it no other way.

This time the child would land the first punch, launching a stinging blow to his father's jaw. The satisfaction of having dealt even this ineffectual response was overwhelming, even if his father's crushing reply was enough to send him spiralling to the ground. Perhaps one day the drunkard would grow to respect the boy's defiance, perhaps even regard him as his own, and perhaps even cease the endless torment of his stepson.
Either way the knowledge that he could and would resist at least in some way was liberation of sorts; after all his own resistance was the only choice he could ever make each night.

If anyone had cared to observe through the doorway, through the portal to violence and abuse almost always ignored by the other residents of the house, then they would have seen as the child fought desperately against him, as he was shoved down, his trousers gripped and torn free of his bruised and scratch-marked legs.
Yet that would be all they could discern before the door swept inwards to its own frame, slamming with a short, sudden and final thud.
A noise his mother had learned to tune out.

And the dream had always ended in the same way. He would each night eventually drift into a restless sleep only to be awoken an incalculable period later by the finality of a shutting door. He had grown accustomed to it as one grows accustomed to any constant in life. He had even learned to awake with steady breaths, the kind that rarely provoked suspicion from the sleepy but perennially inquisitive form curled within his arms.
He would carefully roll her to one side, sliding his limbs with surprising elegance from beneath her, then climb from the sweat-soaked sheets to the firm wooden floorboards.
The subtle glow of dawn would still be well hidden by the over-bearing gloom of the night even as he finished washing and dressing for the day ahead.

The dream was just that and no longer a grim actuality, the fact that it accompanied him into every enveloping night was nothing more than a minor nuisance and as far as he could tell of no relevance to his life as it stood today. It meant nothing and as such he had never once seen it necessary to breathe a word of it, or its basis in reality, never to those who would claim to love him and certainly never to those whose respect and obedience he commanded above all else.
It was a lonely existence but an essential one nonetheless.
Yet as he now stood within his office, gazing down at a report of yet another depressing failure he could not help but wonder whether a less tainted child could have grown into a stronger man and one infinitely more capable of handling each passing string of crises.

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

6th day of the 2nd month

Annie has been stood here for most of the day apparently chastising the rest of the Militia for their various sins.
For some reason she's wandering around in a trainee uniform, much to my chagrin.
Apparently her mother has given her permission to sign up and seemingly my condemnation is no longer worthy of acknowledgement.
I would argue it out with Louisa but after witnessing her uncanny and untrained ability to massacre the bullseye with a bow and arrow, I am rather concerned about what might occur should our peaceful conversation turn heated.

http://img695.imageshack.us/img695/5507/060210.jpg


Jokes aside; where has my perfect little girl gone and why has she been replaced with a firebrand preacher?

- Dart

[Bladius Dart]

The roiling sickliness within his stomach lurched yet again whilst he sat before the 'delicious' meal his wife had painstakingly prepared. The efforts she had taken could not simply be ignored and so with great trepidation he unsteadily pressed the prongs of the fork into the poultry, whilst its anaemic appearance had unnerved him the taste of the flesh itself reassured him that it was indeed cooked, at least partially.
Taking great care to meet his quota of appreciative sounds whilst chewing, he glanced upwards to acknowledge her with an appreciative smile.
The process continued for a while in repetition as she observed him like an expectant hawk, seemingly anticipating a chink in his armour, yet years of masking his true feelings would surely allow him to disguise his disgust on this occasion.
As if in response to the over-confidence a shudder of nausea sent a spiral of tension up his shoulders and a pained expression crept over his features, a desperate attempt to shield his revulsion failed as a powerful wave of queasiness again jerked upwards into his throat.
The chair clattered noisily to the ground as he rose suddenly and then stumbled from the room, the walls seemed inconsistent and nebulous and did little to assist in his ascent up the stairs and through the hallway.

Yet he could go no further before an explosion of vomit erupted from the pits of his stomach. His teeth clamped shut, trapping the vast majority of the bile in his mouth, before a second swell of the liquid forced him to expel or choke.

Then has he knelt upon all fours, panting for breath amidst a puddle of his own filth, the wretched moment passed.
Yet a feverish night curled in a hard backed chair was all that would await him.

[Clarence Darling]

210 Copper awarded.

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

14th day of the 3rd month

I have neglected writing in this journal for a while and to say that my life has been devoid of the means or opportunity to pay it proper attention would be an untruth.
If I am honest even now I am unsure what to say, being able to express your thoughts and feelings on paper should be liberating, yet I can only see this serving to provide a constant reminder, bondage of a sort. Enslavement.

I have been awake most of the night, poring over paperwork that could be ignored for another day, another week, another eternity, so irrelevant and insignificant in the grand scheme of things that nobody would even notice if it were to simply vanish. Well, I suppose that too is a lie; I would notice. These miserable mundane documents are all that prevent me from fully drowning in thoughts dominated by the events of the past few months.
In this time I have been granted an award not truly deserved, it has been returned to its box and stuffed deep into the gloomy depths of a drawer. I have told nobody of its existence, for what does it really symbolise? A token sympathetic gesture, not earned, not required, not demanded. Such worth do I attach to it that I would trade it in a heartbeat.

http://img163.imageshack.us/img163/3861/060310.jpg



I would trade it away for but a moment more of my son's life, an opportunity to swallow pride and make amends.
I would trade it away for a daughter whose innocence and naivety remained intact and not forever tarnished by what she had witnessed.
I would trade it away for a wife who would not seek to hide her face from the world, who would set foot outside the front door without assuming she caused revulsion and disgust, who would not throw herself into days of endless chores around the house as if to prove her worth to me now that she is, by her own estimation, scarred, as if I had only ever valued her for her appearance.
I would trade it away for one single night of dreamless sleep.

- Dart

[Radek Wilkes]

75 Copper awarded.

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

29th day of the 3rd month

Remarkably despite the surprise of full-blown labour, the delivery of twin baby boys and the accompanying sleepless night I have awoken feeling refreshed, this is perhaps the first day where I have not immediately wakened to the crushing reality of recent times.

http://img651.imageshack.us/img651/4747/250310iom.jpg


Of course instead I awoke to the burrowing torture of not one but two newborn cries, oddly this served as a welcome relief to the gloom that has descended upon every morning since Louisa imparted the knowledge that Rhoen was dead.

Yet even writing the above has succeeded in chipping away at the gloss of Drew and Dominic's birth. When will I learn?

- Dart

[Radek Wilkes]

50 Copper awarded.

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

22nd day of the 6th month

I should not be here.
I can in fact imagine a thousand other places I would rather spend tonight. I would much rather be curled up with my wife, my real wife.
I should not be here, laid beside a woman who I cannot remember loving, pity is not reason enough to stay here, even after fending off her clumsy advances.
I should be at home, with Louisa. Whilst others might not appreciate her, whilst others might only have witnessed the front and the façade my criminally insecure wife presents to the world, I know who she is and I make a mockery of our marriage vows and I make a mockery of her every single moment I remain here beside Clara.

And yet my daughter lies upstairs, her skin a sickly silver hue. I lost her once and I cannot lose her again. Yet this woman, this female who I have seen less than a handful of times since I was twenty years old, this my former wife who even now seems bizarrely attached to a set of redundant vows, she would prevent me from ever seeing Jessica again, even should Jessica recover, she would poison her against me as she has her entire life.
I cannot allow that and yet should I stay, regardless of whether I kissed or made love to this woman or not I will have broken Louisa's trust just by being here upon this bed beside it.

http://img708.imageshack.us/img708/7915/220610.jpg


Perhaps if I leave now for Yew and return before Clara awakes in the morning, perhaps then she will think little of my absence, I need only take Jessica to Yew for treatment, then the pretence that I can even stand being near to this woman can be abandoned.

Or I could just take Jessica now...

- Dart

[Radek Wilkes]

100 Copper awarded for the various events ran, shown in the most recent log entry.

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

7th day of the 8th month

Despite the sweltering heat of the past few weeks and yet another gruesome discovery yesterday evening, I must admit that life is good, at least for me as long as you ignore that my sixteen year old daughter is balding.

Home life is stable and at times serene and even the odd bout of possessive stroppiness on Louisa's part makes me at least feel appreciated deep down even if I can only manage to roll my eyes or admonish her for behaving like a clingy child.
That said she has seemingly come around to the idea that I should spend time with those children of mine unfortunate enough not to have either been born to her, raised by her or developed a healthy relationship with her; namely Lily.
In fact I'm rather stunned by her efforts to appease Lily, although it is quite clearly entirely for my benefit and I'm not foolish enough to pretend that either of them have any intention of becoming anything resembling friends it was nice to hear her suggesting that Lily join us for dinner, or that she come with us to Moonglow. I suppose really whilst none of this would seem very significant to anybody other than me, it makes a nice change for two of the most important people in my life to not be at each other's throats and even though yesterday evening everything blew up in my face as I managed to piss the two of them off for entirely separate reasons, I'm pretty sure if I can just manage to toe the line myself, everything will eventually fall into place.

Yet if I believe that then I'm a bigger idiot than I ever was a cynic.

http://img818.imageshack.us/img818/5765/070810.jpg


Anyway, it's times like this that I must rely upon either my charm or my bank balance and whilst I'm positive I could charm my way back into the good books, a little showering of gifts never hurt anyone but my bank manager.

- Dart

[Radek Wilkes]

100 Copper awarded for the various events ran, shown in the most recent log entry.

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

29th day of the 12th month

*A brief paragraph has been scratched into the paper before being scribbled over into an indecipherable obscurity.*

http://www.grd-europa.co.uk/fivemonths.png

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

17th day of the 2nd month

It comes, apparently. Which has made it all the more crucial that I can get everybody I can to safety whilst I have the chance.
Louisa won’t leave me here to face the music alone and intends on remaining by my side until the bitter end. I’m not quite sure how to accurately describe how I feel about that. Of course I want her around but if we are all going to die in a horrifying and painful fashion, I don’t want her to share the same fate.

Fortunately the Solen Tunnels have provided me with the perfect opportunity to lead Emily and Evie to relative safety. Whilst it took the best part of the day to do so, we made the journey through the tunnels from Yew to Minoc and took a passenger vessel from Vesper to Nujel’m, where they’ve been reunited with their brothers under the care of Clara. Whilst it fills me with dread to know that in the event of our deaths she’ll likely adopt Thomas, Emily, Foley, Evie, Drew and Dominic, this plague has hardly presented us with an array of options.

http://img208.imageshack.us/img208/321/emilyd.png


It comes finally; let’s hope that it doesn’t take quite so long to f*** off again.

- Dart

[Leo Madsen]

50 Silver awarded

[Bladius Dart]

Another child and another addition to his mounting list of failures, not quite a cause for celebration, not quite gripped with the very same excitement as she. In fact nothing but guilt and apprehension as his fingers stroked the swelling bump of her belly.
A father did not strike a son if theirs was a bond born out of love and respect, nor did he resent every word and every action of his own blood. Too great were the expectations he had placed upon Francis since the day he was born. Even before Rhoen’s death was Francis his true first born son in all but name. Yet as each son failed to meet the criteria set but never spoken, the burden was lifted and transferred unto the next.
Both Rhoen and Francis had sensed the detachment and Benjamin had never once sought to close it, nor was it his obligation to shoulder, but instead his father’s and one Bladius had struggled with since Francis had emerged from Louisa’s womb, bawling tears and flailing his vernix shod feet. Benjamin had been oddly composed and perturbingly hushed, yet both had ceased to be his sons the instant they became men. He could not translate the warmth and affection he had shown them as boys into anything resembling respect and acceptance.
He sought a son who he could rely upon to replace him when he was gone, to ensure his mother and his sisters never wanted for anything and yet he trusted neither to deliver. He had put his faith in Thomas, Foley and even the twins - the little ones with their garbled speech and their stumbling gait, he had placed his hopes upon the shoulders of children and it would crush them as it had Rhoen, Francis and Benjamin. He trusted none, when only now he realised that he should have trusted them all.
Too late to repair? Perhaps, yet few feats were more worth attempting.

[Nathaniel Hawk]

+25 Silver awarded.

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

3rd day of the 2nd month

I found this buried beneath a pile of correspondence the week before last. It’s definitely seen better days – now lovingly decorated with flowers and pink hearts.
A lot’s happened over the past year, most of which I would quite like to forget. I’d agreed to quietly slip from notice, to spend more time with the family and to retire with grace and humility. In exchange for a smooth transition of authority and the continuation of Yew’s current powers, I agreed to the “occasional visit to Britain” in an advisory capacity.


http://img35.imageshack.us/img35/920/replaced.png



I have advised and advised and advised, waiting patiently for Yew to be restored to its former glories, instead, I have returned to find it in revolt, with only the most dedicated of guardsmen on duty. My ‘replacement’, if you can call her that is some half-dressed harlot.
Since the agreement was never fulfilled on their part, I’m willing to bet that I’m no longer legally obliged to fulfil my end of it.
I’ve got a feeling that past glories might be beyond us now but I’m also pretty confident that we can once again be safe, steady and secure.

Or I might be wrong. Might be a laugh finding out though – especially when someone else is running around with my badge.


- Blad

[Bladius Dart]

Captain's log

5th day of the 2nd month

What the @~*$ have I let myself into?
There are nutters setting fire to the woods and buildings and foreigners shooting, stabbing and spellcasting at anything that moves.
The 'Captain of the Guard' has been replaced three times since I returned, each time with a bigger airhead than the last.

http://img821.imageshack.us/img821/8412/psychoticrioters.png


Apparently it's better to arrest these rioters than kill them though, for some reason it's more productive to have overflowing cells full of brooding, violent thugs than a few corpses.

Geniuses.

- Dart